So, I've been thinking, and I'm starting to believe that probably
epression that I was feeling was also just due to the placebo effect... a cumulative effect of everything that's happened so far.
Before it even started this trial, I was expecting that I would experience greater happiness while having lowered T and raised E. So when I started taking Androcur and Climara, I IMMEDIATELY started feeling a sense of extremely-heightened happiness, which was amplified to such a degree that it simply could not have been due to the drugs. And then likewise, when I switched to Spiro, because I knew from the start that it would not be as effective, I was priming my own mind for depression to happen. Again, it's kind of the "self-validation" thing where my mind is looking for any sort of feedback to validate my feelings, and therefore as soon as I start feeling anything like it, I start saying "AHA!!!" and dwelling on that depression, and then because I am dwelling on it, it keeps getting worse and worse. Sa
ositive feedback loop. The more I think about it, the more I recognize the feelings. The more I recognize the feelings, the more I think about them. Until my happiness suddenly becomes so happy that I feel like my head is going to explode, and my depression suddenly feels like there is no hope left in the entire world.
Admittedly, I seem to have a VERY powerful mind in regards to this kind of thing. If everyone remembers correctly, even before I had taken a single pill, just the knowledge that I was embracing my desires as a transsexual began making me feel different... more feminine, and I started feeling some physical changes before I had even started taking a single pill. And likewise now, just the thought that I might be making negative progress has sent me into a self-induced depressive spiral. The same thing happened in high school, and the same thing happened in college. I was VERY good at convincing myself that I was cured of transsexualism, and very good at making myself also feel euphoric about the Christian "happiness." And I've been very reluctant to admit it, but let's be honest, it's the same damned thing. It was just me telling myself that
happiest that I ever have been, and so it became so.
And, well, just based on how quickly I was able to get over these depressive feelings, which felt completely hopeless just earlier today, and then suddenly disappeared as SOON as I felt like I was doing something to take control of it, I'm willing to bet that this entire depressive bout was completely in my head. And so have been all of the bouts of extreme happiness and extreme depression that I have felt over the last three months.
The proof that it really has been working is in the pudding. Based on photographic evidence, which I have thankfully been keeping since day 1, I have indeed made a LOT of feminization progress. So my T levels have indeed dropped, and my E levels definitely are up. And I do still suspect that my T levels have recovered somewhat recently, since for the last 2 weeks I have pretty much seen no further feminization progress. But let's be honest. I'm over-exaggerating it. I am still on an anti-androgen, and I am still on E, and I am still on Finasteride to go with it, so come on, my T levels are still reduced. And they're going to stay reduced. So I am SERIOUSLY overblowing this whole thing. I need to just chill, and quit looking to my moods for validation. I know for sure that I am transsexual now, and I no longer need positive or negative feedback from hormones to either confirm it or deny it. So I need to just chill.
That's about it. Again, I'm feeling pretty stupid. I have seriously been a drama queen during this entire HRT regiment, and as such I have really put myself through a lot of hell. I REALLY should have gone to the therapist first, and been secure in my gender identity before starting this, rather than trying to rely on the hormones to give me positive or negative feedback. The positive feedback does not prove that I am transsexual. But just the mere fact that I was so desperate for positive feedback in the first plac, that does indeed prove it. And so does the extreme degree to which I was fighting against my doubts, saying "NO! I am NOT going to quit!" That also proves it. And now I do know. Now I do have a completely solid foundation to build my new identity upon. And so I don't need this superficial up-and-down moods to prove it anymore.
Anyway, rant over. Now that I believe that
ebo effect, odds are that it really isn't going to be coming back. And I'm not going to keep taking the dutasteride. I don't need it, and I didn't need it in the first place. This is all in my head.
d to do? I need to quit keeping a daily journal, and get on with my life. The whole reason I started it in the first place was to chronicle my moods and my emotional journey as HRT progressed. But well, I feel like it has served its purpose now. All it's doing now is making me check my moods on a daily basis, which gives me that internal need to "prove" that I am transsexual to myself
w. I know I'm a girl, I know that I'm going to keep going until my physical body matches t
just a matter of getting to that goal. I no longer have a need to talk about my moods on a daily basis.
So yeah... I'm going to quit. I'm going to quit journaling daily, quit focusing on my moods so damned much, and just get on with my life. I'm WAY behind on a lot of things that I've wanted to do for a while, I need to get back to being myself and doing the things that I have always enjoyed, and catch up on some SERIOUS writing. This HRT regiment and journey of self-discovery has given me SO much material to work with for my stories, I'm just itching to get back to them.
So, yeah... once again, this is probably the end of my daily stretches of constantly writing these logs. I'm going to scale them back, maybe only do a weekly update, focus on the physical progress and the personal triumphs rather than my moods, and get back to my life.
Again, thank you everyone for your support. Sorry about all of the drama.
Love you all!
-Carrie