Hildy, I must say, your posts are excellent. Thank you!

I had not considered that either. Yes, you're right, now that I'm thinking about it, an awful lot of this very well could be that I am still trying to accept myself, and as such I am constantly looking for feelings which validate my feelings of transsexualism... when I feel feminine I want it to make me feel happy, and when I feel masculine I actually kind of want it to make me feel depressed. So that would be a good reason why this "masculine" bout has felt so terrible, is because I just came off of a huge period of doubt. My mind was REALLY fighting strongly against that doubt, knowing that I was still transsexual, but trying to find something, anything, to re-validate these feelings. (There was just this voice in the back of my head screaming, yelling at me, saying "NO!!! You are NOT going to quit!!! That is NOT who you are!" despite having lost the emotional motivation.) And as painful as this week has been, the sheer and utter depression really has mentally re-validated my desires for femininity, making me feel like it's okay to embrace my desires again because of how terrible feeling masculine made me. And likewise, during my periods of feeling feminine, I artificially inflated my own happiness in order to validate these same feelings.

So yeah... the conclusion is the same. I am transsexual. On a very deep level. And I can tell this not because of feelings, not because of external motivators, not even because of moods, but because on a very fundamental, deep down level, I have always felt female, and known that that was who I was. The rest is all just me looking for ways to validate these feelings, even to the point of severe depression.

So with that said, I suppose the next step is to accept myself. Accept that I am female, that this is the plain and honest truth that I have always known deep down, and just always see myself that way, not because of how I feel, but because it's just who I am. Quit looking for things to constantly prove it. And that includes hormones. I don't need low T levels, or high E levels, or the feelings that come with them, in order to be a girl. And I need to quit viewing these masculine feelings as a threat to my femininity, or the estrogenic euphoria as a validation. Because I realize now that this is not what gender is about.

(Kind of funny, I'm doing the same thing that cis-guys do. They're constantly doing things in order to prove their manliness, because they believe that certain feelings are a threat to the identity that they have deep down. I never did that. But now I am indeed doing things in order to prove my femaleness, because I have been believing that certain things are indeed a threat to the female identity that I have deep down. HA!!! Never thought I'd catch myself doing something like that. And yet I have been, for the duration of this ENTIRE blog. Hell, that's the reason why I write in it so much. Because I am indeed still looking for validation.)

Anyway, yeah... I feel REALLY good now. I do know who I am. I am Carrie. A girl. And I am going to embrace that identity, stick with it, and quit worrying so damned much.

Again, thank you, Hildy, both of these most recent posts have been VERY helpful. And I think my therapist has been picking up on the same thing, sensing that I really do know deep down who I am, but it's just a matter of dropping the pretense, and accepting that self fully that I needed to work on.

-Carrie

(Side note: I have a feeling that tonight at work is going to be great! I feel ready to face the world again, instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself.)

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 12, 2013 10:43 am I am constantly looking for feelings which validate my feelings of transsexualism...

Note that the "constantly looking" bit is a feeling of transsexualism in itself.

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 12, 2013 10:43 am Kind of funny, I'm doing the same thing that cis-guys do. They're constantly doing things in order to prove their manliness, because they believe that certain feelings are a threat to the identity that they have deep down. (...) I have been believing that certain things are indeed a threat to the female identity that I have deep down.

Quite a lot of the more insecure cis girls do too, trying to "prove" their femininity with knowing the difference between fuchsia and hot pink, or proclaiming that a certain way of speaking or reasoning, which they obviously have, is really female. Heck, look at any cis girl just entering puberty: putting on garish amounts of make-up, wearing excessively feminine clothes; you'd almost think they have something to prove, eh? I even know a couple of adult cis women (late 30s, early 40s) who are like that!

But your identity is not how you manage to validate yourself, it's the fact that you even find that important!

Like how I always felt really depressed when somebody "out-femininitied" me (is that even a word? anyway, it is now!), especially when guys do so (somehow I know a lot of feminine guys; wonder why that is), as if that proved anything! No it doesn't. The fact that I find that by doing that they somehow steal away my identity does!

And honestly, you have nothing on me: I spent years doing this! (fuck)

Also, you cannot prove to other people who you are, you can only show them. Same as with cis people, really, it's only the scale that's different.

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 12, 2013 10:43 am I do know who I am. I am Carrie. A girl. And I am going to embrace that identity, stick with it, and quit worrying so damned much.

What I found was what really helped with that was stopping trying to pass as a guy in my head. I'm me, I don't have a guy mode, I have an incognito mode; there is never a guy in the space I occupy, just a girl who happens to look like one.

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 12, 2013 10:43 am Again, thank you, Hildy, both of these most recent posts have been VERY helpful.

Always glad to help

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 12, 2013 6:15 am Transward, I really do appreciate the support, and the attempt to make me feel better.

.

.

.

In a way, I guess that I'm glad that this is happening, because it is once again giving me a little taste of what my old life was like, reminding me of exactly what I was so desperate

[quote="cheetaking243 (imported)" time

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 12, 2013 6:15 am =1360406760]
to escape from in the first place. And

it is DEF
[/quote]
INITELY making my convictions to transition much stronger. And despite how much it sucks

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 12, 2013 6:15 am in the time being, this is going to be a VERY important feeling to remember. Be[quote="cheetak

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Thu Apr 11, 2013 10:52 pm ing243 (imported)" time=13656057

60]
cause it's probably the last time that I'm

EVER going to feel this masculine "dull gray drear" mindset again. So remembering what it's like, and remembering this little taste of the life that I came from in the first pla
[/quote]
ce, will be very important once I start getting used to the feeling of mental clarity again, reminding me of why I can't ever go back there, despite any doubts that I might be having.

When testosterone attempted to commandeer my life, circa age 13, I observed an impairment in what I deemed clarity of thinking. When, at age 47, testicular testosterone, along with testicular whatever else, parted company with me, mainly because of my evaluation of cancer risk based on family history, The impairment of clarity of thinking very quickly fled from my life. I have previously referred to the mental effect of testosterone on my as a form of mental fog. No way would I entertain choosing to go back into that sort of foggy thinking.

Perhaps it will be of some help to you to know that what you described as 'this masculine "dull gray drear" ' very closely resembles the way I might also describe that "mental fog".

Because of a bunch of circumstances, I was quite sex-hormone free for some time after my orchiectomy, then an endocrinologist of international repute at an internationally renowned major-major research university determined that putting me on a combination pattern of conjugated estrogen and progesterone, in the manner of a typical female hormone cycle. When I got sufficiently into the usual female menopause age range, that endocrinologist stopped the hormones and put me on a form of alendronate for bone strength maintenance.

For me, when testosterone mostly went away, I only noticed what I experienced as improvement. No hot, or cold, flashes, no distress of any sort because of dramatically reduced testosterone.

I guess one way to be sure that one is somewhere in the transgender realm may be, as I find it to have been for me, life becoming better.

Yeah, I got more "curvy" and some aspect of my mind asks, "what took so long?" What do I reply to that aspect of my mind about its question? Something like, "Important choices are wisely not made in haste nor in procrastination."

The expectations of other people may be problematic. At a Chicago Gender Society meeting many years ago, another member asked me, "Why don't you cross-dress." To which I replied, not intending to be funny, "What makes you think I am not cross-dressed now?" (For lack of funds for a fancy wardrobe, I suppose it is fair to regard me as a form of MtFtE who cross-dresses as though an M.

I choose to life true to my actual life, and choose to not be enslaved by other people's misunderstanding of my life or of who I really am.

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 25, 2013 9:58 pm OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH FOUR, DA

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Mon Feb 11, 2013 10:37 pm Y FOUR:

Well, I have excellent ne

ws. Yesterday, for what was the first time in what felt like EVER, I actually had a completely mentally pain-free day at work. For the first time in over a week, I actually felt feminine all day, and felt relatively back in that state of mental calmness, and actually had a desire once again to embrace my femininity and walk toward the future with my head held up high. No, I still am not feeling quite as good as I have in the past, nor quite as mentally calm and clear, but it was definitely a GREAT night, and one that I desperately needed after so many days in a row of feeling like complete and total crap.

What fueled this feeling was really an epiphany that I had yesterday afternoon, one that I believe has firmly cemented my identity as transsexual for, well, pretty much ever. And that epiphany is, it is actually not the feelings of "dysphoria," and the feelings of disliking my body and my feelings of wishing that I were female, that make me a transsexual. And the reason why I was able to let myself have so many doubts, is because these feelings are NOT consistent. They did not start in the first place until I was in about 7th grade, I was indeed succ

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 12, 2013 8:22 am essfully able to temporarily ign

ore them for a very long time between like 2008 and 2010, and I'll admit, there are indeed some days where I really don't feel that bad about who I am. But there is something deeper. I've known for a long time that there is something deeper than that. Because during that period of doubt early last week, I still had this passionate urge deep down inside of me that said "NO!!! You are NOT going to quit!"... something that, deep down, kept pushing me on, and just knew deep down in the very core of my being that I was indeed transsexual, and that I could NOT let doubts stop me.

And, well, here is what that thing is. It is not the "dysphoria," and not the desire to change, which are variable and which do fluctuate. It is something that has NEVER changed, and actually goes back even further than that. It is this feeling that I have, and which I have ALWAYS had, of, for some reason, identifying myself with the female gender. THAT is what makes me transsexual. For some reason, I have always seen myself in this way. Let's see, how can I describe this feeling? I guess it's like a feeling of sameness, a feeling of kinship and closeness that I have always felt with the female gender that I never felt with the male gender. Even as a kid, I felt this. My female friends were always the friends that I felt the closest to, felt like I could tell my secrets to, felt like I could do ANYTHING with, and the ones that I really latched on to, while I didn't feel the same kind of feeling with my male friends. They just felt "different" in some way. Starting in about 5th grade, whenever I looked at a girl, there just started to be this kind of a feeling of identification... a feeling that I really felt like them, deep down, and identified myself with them, while again, I did not feel this same feeling with guys. They were just friends. Where with the girls, there was just some sort of core reaction deep down that made me feel closer to them. And this feeling has NEVER gone away. Even during my period of religious fundamentalism, where I was NOT letting myself embrace any transsexual feelings that I had, I STILL had this feeling of identifying myself with the women. When I saw the women, there was just this exact same feeling of closeness and kinship, this feeling that I really can't explain that told me "that is me," while I have NEVER felt this same feeling around men. Even when I am going through my biggest periods of doubt, this feeling of identifying with the female gender is still there. Deep down, even when at the top of my mind I am having doubts and questioning whether I really want to transition, I still constantly feel that feeling of identification, and whenever I see a woman something deep down tells me "that's me."

And the cool thing is, unlike my actual feelings of gender dysphoria, this feeling started WAY earlier. As early as 2nd grade, if not sooner, I was feeling it. I remember specifically that we were doing a school play about careers, and the teachers went to great lengths to include a lot of messages of "girls can do that too" when discussing things like firefighting and police work and other stereotypically-male careers. And I don't know why, but there was just something about that mindset that I identified with... something about it that made me want to say "Go get em, girl!!!"... something that made it feel more personal, while at the same time all the other guys were groaning and rolling their eyes. And during that exact same play, they also had a segment about male ballet dancers, a guy defying masculine stereotypes, but I just didn't have that same kind of reaction or identification. And this "identification" really got serious by about 5th grade or so, while again my actual "dysphoria" didn't start until like 7th. I specifically remember in 5th grade just how many girls in our class I felt comfortable talking to, felt close to, felt like I understood them, while I increasingly felt less and less connection with my male friends as they started getting all uber-masculine and "too cool for this" thanks to puberty. And I believe that it is THIS feeling, this deep down, unchanging feeling, that constantly tells me that on a very core level that I am female, and that my very self-identity is female, that makes me transsexual. And it was this feeling that pushed me to keep going.

And here's the REALLY cool part. This exactly matches the definition of gender that I have increasingly heard about. Gender identity is not based on feeling "wrong" or "right" about the gender that you are in. Because there are many women who hate being women, and yet are very clearly not transsexual. And there are a lot of people who feel body dysphoria just like I did, and yet are not transsexual. And there are a lot of people who cross-dress, and who have the same desires to act feminine and wear more feminine clothing like I did, and yet still are not transsexual. And there are indeed a lot of people who think that they are transsexual and yet end up not being, because they feel like they're becoming someone that they're not. And this is exactly why I have been having so many doubts. But NONE of these things are what makes someone have a gender identity. No. Gender identity is something much deeper, and much less conscious than that. It is not something that you can rationalize your way into, something that you can change depending on your moods, it is just something that you know. And this is EXACTLY what I have always felt in relation to the female gender. There has always just been something about it that I have identified myself with. And unlike the external symptoms, which have indeed come and gone over the years, this female self-identity has NEVER changed. It is just how I have always viewed myself, on a very core fundamental level. THAT is what makes me transsexual. And it is what makes me just as much of a girl as any other. Because it is not something that I had to realize, something that I stumbled upon when I was 13, something about me being a guy and yet "feeling wrong." It is this very same unchanging self-identity, the same feeling that any girl who was actually born with a female body has from a very young age, which tells me who I am. And guess what? That also means that I have NOTHING to prove. I am a girl. Albeit, one who was born with a male body, but a girl nonetheless, just as much a girl as anyone else. And likewise, just like any other girl, I don't have to do anything to prove that I am a girl. I can do whatever the hell I want, act however the hell I want, dress however the hell I want, and none of those things make me any more or less of a girl. Because that identity cannot be changed, and never will be.

And the more and more I am realizing this, the more and more I am realizing that my feelings of dysphoria, and all of the hardship and turmoil that I went through, was merely a symptom of this... a way for me to validate my identification with the female gender. And I've been trying to do this for my entire life. As a kid, I didn't have to, because, well, gender for kids is pretty much incidental, and I had enough female friends that I never felt out of place. In middle school, my whole issues with body dysphoria were not the REASON why I am transsexual, but merely a symptom of it. (And up until now, I wasn't looking at it this way. I thought it was a cause. But it's not. I'm not transsexual because I had body dysphoria, I had body dysphoria because I am transsexual. It was merely a symptom, and the "wrongness" was just one way of my mind trying to validate its female self-identity in the midst of a physical reality that was moving increasingly quickly away from that self-identity.) The mental "fog" that I have, really is just because, on a very core level, I feel wrong. And likewise, this is why ALL of the physical changes, every single little thing that has become more feminine about me, has felt SO right. And there's no reason to self-validate this by making myself uber-happy, because it goes much deeper than mere conscious emotions. It really is because my body is starting to [quote="chee

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Mon Apr 08, 2013 11:38 am taking243 (imported)" time=1357728780

]
feel "righ

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 05, 2013 2:10 am t" for the first time,

[/quote]

and actually match this s

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Thu Feb 07, 2013 6:54 pm elf-identity. And this is why I am still

smiling like a little sch

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 22, 2013 8:48 pm ool girl every single time I look

in the mirror. Because, for the first time in my entire life, my body really is actually going to match my gender identity.

Now I have a hold on this. And unlike the old things which I used to validate my transsexualism, which I have already listed, this is not something that can be doubted, or something that can be taken away from me. It is a solid rock, something that has NEVER gone away as long as I have been alive, and something that never will go away either. It is something that has always told me who I am on a very core level, even as early as when I was a very young kid, possibly as early as age 4 or 5, since pretty much all of my preschool friends that I was close to were girls too. But I digress.

Like I have said many times before, my name is Carrie, I am a girl, and nothing is ever going to be able to change that, and I no longer need anything to validate that. (And this is probably the very last time that I am ever going to have to say this. Because although I have always known this is the case, I was still looking for things to validate it. But now I know. And it is not a reason that can change, a reason that can be taken away from me depending on moods, anymore.) Honestly, that's it. I finally do know exactly who I am, and why that is who I am. The rest is just a technicality... a change t

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Sun Feb 03, 2013 11:39 pm o finally make my body match that

self-identity that I have always felt.

That is all.

-Carrie

d=(´▽｀)=b

(Side note: 2 days down, 6 days to go... not that it matters as much anymore. As long as I can stay in this mood, everything will be fine.)

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 25, 2013 9:58 pm OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH FOUR, DAY FIVE:

I hope everyone is happy to know, today was another great day. That state of mental calmness has returned, and I really felt like I was at least relatively close to being back to my true self. There were a couple of moments where I almost had bouts of anger, and the stresses of the day almost consumed me and made me want to scream, but the feelings mercifully didn't last long. And you know, admittedly, there still isn't that same sense of euphoria that I had for so long, but it's not bothering me as much as it was when I first lost it. My mind feels like it's somewhere between my pre-hormone mind and my zero-testosterone mind. I'm still feeling a bit masculine, a bit "meh," but there is still a good sense of calmness and definitely still ZERO sex drive. But unlike in previous days I'm not letting those masculine feelings get to me anymore, and I'm focusing on what I know now is my true gender identity instead. And man, I am LOVING that mindset of embracing my female identity. I just felt absolutely great for most of the day, enjoying the feeling of androgyny, enjoying acting feminine, enjoying the weird looks that some people were giving me. (And I did get a LOT of weird looks today. My appearance looked VERY feminine today for some reason, and I just constantly caught people giving me double-takes, and even outright staring, as I was walking by and as I was talking in my soft-toned higher-pitched voice which is sounding increasingly feminine with every single day.)

Another weird thing that happens on these days where I'm feeling feminine, is that people actually kind of start treating me more like a girl. They seem to feel more comfortable around me, and less respectful of my personal space for some reason. I've noticed that on these days, physical contact increases. More people are like randomly touching my shoulder while laughing, and tapping me on the arm, and touching my hands while I'm pushing them their winning pots. Hell, there was even one guy who actually just outright grabbed me by the arm as I was walking by, and talked to me, and every single time I pulled my arm away, he'd grab it again, and this kept going on until he was completely done talking to me, and I had politely excused myself so that I could go on to my next table. So yeah... this is actually kind of interesting. NOBODY used to do ANY of this stuff to me, for the entire first 3 months that I was working at the casino before starting HRT. But suddenly within the last month or so, out of nowhere, it just started. The more I'm feminizing, it seems, the less and less people perceive me as a big tough guy who probably just wants to be left alone, and the more and more comfortable random people have become with talking to me, and joking with me, and asking "how are you doing?" out of nowhere, and even touching me. And yeah... it's a little weird. Sometimes creepy even. With that one guy, it really was like "Um... I don't know you. Why exactly are you grabbing me on the arm?" (And yet, oddly, this really does make me happy. It really is something that I always wished for. I HATED being perceived as this big tough guy who just wanted to be left alone, and I LOVE that people are finally feeling more comfortable around me, because my appearance has become non-threatening now. It looks more childish, more young, more "nice," more approachable. And as much as people would like to think that appearance does not matter, it does. Because I have seen a HUGE difference in how people treat me because of these feminizing changes. And hell, I've even been making better tips recently for some reason. I have NEVER gotten as many multi-dollar tips in one day as I did today. There was one table where every single hand I was making 2 or 3 dollars in tips. And at one of the high-stakes tables, I even broke my all-time personal tip record, and received a whopping $25 tip from just one hand. So yeah... this is awesome! Occasionally a bit creepy, but awesome!

One thing that I have suddenly found that I LOVE doing, is diffusing tension. Recently, with the changes in my appearance, and the softer tone of my voice, I have become EXCELLENT at calming people down. And I've been doing this a lot recently. Like one night in the cafeteria line, there were like three people all making very rushed and demanding requests of the fry cook all at the same time, and she clearly looked very stressed out. So when it was my turn to place my order, I smiled at her and said in my calm, quiet voice tone "Here, I've got a nice easy one for you," and smiled at her. And almost instantly, I just saw her stress melt away. She smiled, and her body gestures calmed down, and she thanked me, and had a little vent about everyone making demands of her, and I empathized, and again, I could just see that she felt better. That was one such incident. And then there was another one tonight. At one of my poker tables, the last dealer got into a bit of a verbal "guy argument" with one of the players (you know, that male behavior where one feels insulted, so he makes a snappy remark back, and then that results in another snappy remark, and they just keep going and going because they can't let their precious masculine pride be insulted, and have to get the last word in? Yeah, that kind of argument.) In any case, there was a LOT of tension at the table when I sat down. And again, I just smiled at everyone, said my hellos in my calm, soft voice, let the guys vent as they saw fit, empathized when necessary, and the tension calmed down, and every single one of the players were thanking me, and praising me, by the time I left the table. And man... I LOVE this. And I find it ironic that I'm doing it now, because it is pretty much EXACTLY what the anime character in my avatar, Nausicaa, does. And I picked her as my avatar LONG before I gained this skill of diffusing tension and anger. So I think it's really funny that I've actually started becoming like her. And these something about this "diplomat" role, of being the calm and rational one that diffuses arguments rather than starting or perpetuating them, that just feels SO right to me.

I suppose that's all that I have in the mood department to report for today. But there is still definitely something else that I was thinking about that I want to talk about before I call it a night. I am seriously beginning to consider getting an orchiectomy. People did bring this possibility up before, but I always said "I'm not ready yet," and "I need more time to make sure that I'm sure about this first." Well, I'm starting to feel like I am indeed ready, and that I really have reached a conclusion about who I am that is solid enough to base such a permanent, life-altering decision on.

Basically, I am tired of putting up with this constant guess-work in regards to anti-androgens. And I'm tired of feeling like my body is fighting against the realization of my own self-identity. After this most recent bout of feeling "masculine," which left me feeling that same sense of "brain fog" and that same sens

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Thu Apr 11, 2013 10:52 pm e of bitterness, short-tempered

ness, and perpetual melancholy, I am DONE with testosterone. Completely done with it. I am 100% serious when I say that it has never done ANYTHING good for me. Before I started this hormone trial, the last time that I ever felt "right" in my own head, and ever felt a true sense of self-identity and a sense of "rightness" with my emotions, was back when I was 13 years old. Right before puberty started. And as SOON as it did, suddenly my mind really did feel like it wasn't working right anymore. I just felt like I had lost that perpetual sense of happiness that I always used to have as a kid. And it was replaced by a new feeling that was always feeling incomplete, foggy in the min

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Sat Apr 13, 2013 8:12 am d, and just not ever truly happy

no matter what I did. A[quot

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 05, 2013 1:08 pm [q[quote="cheetaking243 (imported)" time=1365

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nd th

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Sat Feb 02, 2013 7:39 pm

at happiness did not EVER return until just
[/quote]
3 months ago. And for the first time in my entire adult life, I felt that happiness return, and that same sense of self and that same sense of "rightness." And now twice... during BOTH times that I had to cut my anti-androgen doses in half due to various circumstances, I was almost immediately right back to feeling like crap. So yeah... I'm done with it. DONE. I am fully convinced that I never want testosterone in my body ever again, and that the sooner that it is gone permanently, the better. Right now, all that my testes are doing is getting in the way of my feminization, and making the process that much slower, and that much more of a battle as the pills I am taking fight for dominance with the unfortunate reality of my physiology. And now that I really have reached a conclusion on my gender identity, and I don't see any conceivable way that it's ever going to change now, that last barrier, the one of uncertainty, has now been broken down as well.

So yeah. I am SERIOUSLY considering orchiectomy. In fact, in all likelihood, I am going to bring up the possibility during my next therapy session, to see what she thinks, and maybe to inquire some more about exactly what would be required. If I do decide to go for it, it would probably still be at least a couple of months away, because I do want to make sure that the feeling of mental clarity and calmness returns fully once I go on a higher dose of Spiro, and that it really is due to lower testosterone levels with actual blood work first, but yeah, I really am starting to think that this is a legitimate possibility, something that I'll be looking into doing in the very near future if given the opportunity.

I have a lot of things to think about. And I really have reached the point of no return. Right now, I really do not see any conceivable way that I ever go back to just living as a guy. I simply couldn't do it anymore. Because more and more, I'm realizing that that is not who I am. And again, even if it ends up that I don't transition fully, I could never go back to just being a guy. Because this gender-nonconforming, between-genders state where I finally feel like I'm not male anymore,

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 17, 2013 4:18 pm is the first time that I have

felt a true sense of self-identity in my entire life. I LOVE it! And as such, I also no longer see any conceivable use for the male plumbing. And the time might genuinely be very soon where I really do make this completely, irreversibly permanent through surgical removal. And for the first time ever, that it not a scary prospect, but one that makes me feel a true sense of self-identification and happiness.

That's all for today. Things are still looking VERY up!

-Carrie

ヽ(･ω･ゞ)

Damn it, damn it, damn it, mother... f***ing... damn it!!!

Well, for two days in a row I felt VERY happy. I felt feminine again for the first time in over a week, I felt calm, and I felt like all of the doubt and uncertainty was finally over and that I was going to be able to make it through the next week just fine.

Well, you can throw that out the window. The doubt and the uncertainty are indeed still completely over, and I am completely 100% secure with my gender identity now. So that's not the problem. But unfortunately, the feminine feeling, and the feeling of calmness, have once again disappeared. Tonight, I am just having a MAJOR depressive bout. A serious, miserable, nothing-in-life-feels-pleasurable depressive bout. I don't why it started, but for some reason today every single thing that I do just makes me feel like complete and total crap, and even thinking about things that should make me happy, aren't. And my dysphoria feelings are WAY off the charts. Every single time I see a woman today, I feel depressed. And there really is no reason at all for this. NOTHING bad has happened over the last two days, nor happened today. I'm not overstressed from work. I'm not feeling doubts or uncertainty. And yet, for some reason, just completely out of nowhere and for no reason whatsoever, I feel like complete s***.

I'm still going to try absolutely EVERYTHING that I can to not break the Androcur back out before my Thursday doctor's appointment, but it's once again feeling very tempting. I'm only one hour into my shift and already I just want to go back home, curl up in bed, and spend the day crying.

And this is a very "masculine" kind of depression. It's a depression where I'm angry at everything, and feel isolated and disconnected, and I have no patience for people and their crap. It's not the same kind of "feminine" depression that I felt while on Androcur a lot, where I felt weepy because I was getting down on myself, and was questioning myself, while with this kind of depression I just feel annoyed and irritable

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Sun Feb 03, 2013 11:39 pm for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

God... PLEASE just go away, damn it!!! I'm so sick of this! I just want my mind to feel like it's working right again. That's all I ask! I'm so tired of this feeling, so tired of every single day at work being an endurance test of patience, and so sick of feeling this G**-damned mental block where it feels like I can't truly feel pleasure anymore, and I just constantly feel angry and irritated for absolutely no reason.

I want my feminine happiness back!!! I

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Thu Feb 07, 2013 6:54 pm [quote="cheetaking243 (imported)"

time=1360056600]
want that mental calmness back!!!
[/quote]
This SUCKS!!

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Feb 01, 2013 8:47 pm !!!!!!!!! SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh... rant over. Did I mention that this sucks?

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 25, 2013 9:58 pm OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH FOUR, DAY SIX:

Well, tonight I survived what was, by far, the WORST depressive bout of my ENTIRE life. Never have I had to fight against more suicidal thoughts. (And I should mention, I am NEVER going to let myself do that. I refuse to become a statistic, and refuse to become some stupid example of why "this is why you don't mess with hormones" or some stupid shit like that. I have a life to live, damn it, and so freaking much that I still want to do. So don't worry, these are NOT serious thoughts. They are just stupid, obnoxious "what ifs" that I immediately yell at myself for having in the first place, and put them out of my head as soon as they get there. Again, I would NEVER let myself get to that point. I'd sooner check myself into a mental hospital than let myself do something that stupid.)

Anyway, basically at one point today I finally reached the end of my rope, and decided that I was going to have to, for my own sanity, break out the Androcur once I got home. But before making the decision final, I posted on Susan's asking what other people thought that I should do. And although the topic was deleted, because there's a rule there about discussing self-medication, someone did see the message just long enough to PM me about the depression possibly being due to something that I never knew existed before... cyproterone withdrawal. Yes, it does exist. In fact, there are SERIOUS warnings about not stopping Androcur abruptly, for this exact reason. It recommends reducing dosage extremely gradually, over the course of a number of weeks, because the symptoms can be so severe if it is quit cold-turkey, which is pretty much exactly what I did about a month ago. So it's quite possible that my problem isn't testosterone at all, it is my adrenal glands going wacky, screwing with my cortisol levels and my stress response. (Which would make sense, especially considering that completely-irrational thing earlier this week where suddenly, right after a depressive bout, I randomly felt feminine and calm again for absolutely no reason, which simply could NOT have been caused by changes in T considering how fast it happened, but very well could have been caused by cortisol, which varies GREATLY from minute to minute depending on stressors.)

And with this possibility, another possible solution to it has emerged. Apparently, DHT inhibitors like Finasteride and Dutasteride can help to offset the withdrawal symptoms, restoring the adrenal glands to a more normal range of function. So after a whole night of being convinced that this was the night the Androcur was coming back out, it turns out, once again, it's not. And in fact, it's quite possible that Androcur is what caused this whole problem in the first place. So before I mess with my levels of anti-androgens, I am first going to try adding Dutasteride back into my pill regiment for a couple of days, and see if it can help normalize my stress and depressive bouts again. And unlike Androcur, Dutasteride will not mess with my lab results whatsoever since it only stops the conversion of T into DHT, so if it really does solve the problem, I can safely take it until I've had a meeting with my doctor to do the labs and adjust my official prescription doses.

There is no guarantee that this will work, but it's a new possibility that I had not considered before, and therefore it's worth a try before I go screwing with my anti-androgen doses.

PLEASE get better!!! I am so sick of fighting this battle... so tired of feeling like my mind is constantly at war. I can't put up with this much longer. I already feel like I'm losing my mind, a

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Mon Apr 08, 2013 3:55 pm nd again, this was the worst d

ay of all of them, so it's only been getting worse and worse with every single week.

Please, God, just fix this and make everything right again. I miss that time where my mind was so completely at ease every day. I miss it so much. My very survival has become a battle for the last 2 weeks. And again, this is happening despite the fact that I have NEVER felt so sure of my own gender identity. So this isn't a matter of doubts or regrets at all, it is just completely a chemical battle where something is not working right in my head.

Pray for me. I really am at that point where I need any and all support that I can get. This has gotten way out of hand, and I am SERIOUSLY starting to regret going with DIY at the start.

-Carrie

(>_<。)

Well, DIY is the only option for some of us which is why the law is graciously on our side at least in my country. It's better than killing yourself directly which was plan A for me. I'm pretty sure that abusing high dose cyto in the past has caused me some long term issues (along with one or two others here) and combined with two hours sleep a night at the time due to work commitments, crash dieting, and all the other crazy stuff I do, my adrenals are completely shot. Adrenal supression and growth of the zona reticularis take a long time, though, and you were only taking moderate doses for a very short period. I really hope you don't have problems. It's hell, and the adrenal glands take months or years to recover. Fin/dut might stop the worst of the symtoms but the virilising effects of t on muscle and the impedence of e will still occur. If you're really worried get a cortisol test done by your doctor. Adding dut for a couple of days will do next to nothing - it has a huge half life and is very much a "build up" drug, unless you take a huge loading dose.

Actually, now that you mention it, that part about weaning off of higher doses of Androcur is familiar from reading about it on this very site. I don't recall what dose you were on when you made the switch.

I regret not mentioning the Informed consent clinic to you earlier...however the DIY got you onto the proper path for the long haul and as a starting point wasn't that bad. Now with the proper medical professionals you can continue to feminize under the eyes of your doctors.

I do worry that you are virtually micromanaging every instant of your life to such a degree you are losing touch with how long this journey is going to be. Female puberty takes years, for breast growth, body shape...etc.There is no real way to jump start that process, you will have to go through it like any other girl and have good days, bad days, great days, and shitty days. Its all part of growing up and becoming female.

Your best friend will be your therapist to help you work through all the stages from boyhood to womanhood. Jut remember we are talking years and then a lifetime maintenance dose of E to maintain the Carrie you become.

Patience is your best virtue at the moment. Deep breaths and remember, that if you follow the protocols good things will happen over time. Just let it takes the time to work on you as it should....

{{Hugs}}

Frank

^See, though, the problem is, you're right, most of my depressive bouts were indeed these "female" kinds of depressive bouts, where I was just being whiny and impatient, and freaking out over various things. But this is not that kind of depressive bout. This depressive bout is, on a very deep and core level, I just feel like complete crap, and genuinely feel like I've lost the ability to feel happiness. And again, I do not necessarily think that it is related to T anymore. And yet even after realizing this, I still felt like crap. So something is wrong. I still don't know what, but something has gone VERY wrong on the most basic of levels. One of these drugs has screwed with my head. I have NEVER felt depression like this before. Even when I was a teenager, and I said that I was feeling depressed, it was never because I felt like I had lost the ability to feel happiness. Now I do.

And unfortunately, this morning I am STILL feeling like complete and total crap. God, I just don't know what to do. How the hell can I fix this? Is it even possible that testosterone alone could make me feel this bad? I mean, another side-effect of cyproterone withdrawl is hyper-androgen effects. And I have been feeling that "masculine" feeling for a while, but if that's the case, then why do I still have ZERO sex drive? I'm just so confused. I don't know what to do here. And I just want to feel better. That's all I want. I don't care what I have to do. But so far, NOTHING that I have tried has worked. Not stress-relieving foods like magnesium-rich Nori from the sushi buffet, or even freaking chocolate for crying out loud. Realizing what my gender identity was on the most core of levels that you could imagine didn't fix it, my traditional coping methods for feeling bad such as socializing and watching cute animal videos didn't fix it... NOTHING. I just don't know what to do here. Something has gone wrong on a chemical level up there.