Hi Bryan! I know what your talking about. Every once in a while I feel like that. Thinking of ways to end that uglyness down there. What is it for, I don't need that. Its in the way, I want smooth ,not that. Hang on, it will pass. Direct your thinking somewhere else. Jesus works for me. I watched a program one time how people wanted limbs amputated and wondered why someone would want to do a thing like that? Be in a wheel chair ect. I am disabled and wish I could walk and run like I once did. The Holy Spirit quickly pointed out that : what would be the difference? What I want and what they want? Hugs, Leona:)

Hi all,

As expected, staying off peanuts has allowed libido to go back to nil. (Ditto for morning missles.)

MEN: If you are looking for "natural male enhancement" like that advertised by "Bob" on TV, don't overlook the power of peanuts.

After a one-month break, I'm back on estrogen. Depression got really bad over the last few days: too many tears, little ability to cope, and too much death-envy. You know things are bad when you want cars to collide with you or you look longingly at funeral homes. (Estrogen is wonderful stuff, except for not allowing me to sleep on my belly due to breast discomfort.)

Open letter to my estranged wife: When I think of you, these words keep running thru my mind: "I'm not good enough [for you]." You are "protecting" our boy from me. I'm afraid when all is said and done and he has grown up, you will discover you weren't able to protect our boy from the damage caused by an absent father -- an absence you insisted on. [end of letter]

My boss made mention of my hair today: "Looks like it's getting to be haircut time." I was momentarily at a loss for words and turned red. How do you tell your boss, "I'm female inside and my goal is to push hair length to the limit"? I fumbled for words. He was in a good mood and just said, "We don't want to trample individuality. All we ask is you keep it neat." And as an appearance-conscious female [inside], that truly is my goal and I was able to reassure him about neatness. Trouble is, my hair is at an awkward length: it wants to flip up around ears and eyeglasses since there's not enough weight past those points to hold it down. If it hung straight down, it would reach my earlobe; however, my hair is naturally wavy. I use an ordinary conditioner...any beauty tips you can share?

Started looking into laser hair removal for my face: $1300 for a regimen of six treatments (free thereafter). It wouldn't do anything for gray hairs, but it would get rid of beard shadow (a big male cue). Plucking isn't killing off as many hairs as I had originally hoped, yet beard shadow continues to bother me.

Terri

Hi all,

Musings on gender #1: Vanity vs. Attention to One's Appearance. Before the Oct 2004 gender shift, I believed women to be vain. Why spend so much time on appearance? Nowadays, I consider men to be deficient (generally speaking) by their lesser concern. As I've said before, it seems testosterone makes one less sensitive; attention to one's appearance is one of the affected areas. How has this change played out for me? Even in temperatures as low as 5 degrees (F), I now avoid wearing a hat lest I get "hat hair." (Besides, fluffing the hair during styling helps insulate the head, right?) Plus, I use either styling gel or hair spray to avoid windblown hair. More effort is spent matching colors of clothes.

Musing on gender #2: Adolescence and Maturity. If we go thru the wrong kind of puberty (i.e., female identity but male hormones), does it lead to permanent immaturity? Back when I was homeowner, mowing the grass and doing other homeowner-like things, there was a sense I was play-acting. Like I really wasn't a mature man looking after his household, just 'me' in the role. After my gender issues leaked out, my wife observed an immaturity in me. I've never seen myself in the role of respected community pillar or that sort of thing. Fortunately, the immaturity carries over to appearance. Although I'm 50, my boss says, "Young man, get in here" when he wants to see me.

Musings on gender #3: Gender Presentation. I think what makes people uncomfortable with transsexuals is when the gender presentation is mixed, i.e., strong cues of both genders. Kind of like musical dissonance or colors that clash. What are one's options then? (a) Only male cues, (b) only female cues, or....(c) as few gender cues as possible (i.e., androgyny). Although androgyny can mildly disturb observers, it doesn't produce the strong reactions a mixed presentation does. What do you get with as few gender cues as possible? "Boy." And people don't complain about a boyish appearance.

Got the most expensive haircut of my life last Saturday: $30 (not including tip). Told the stylist I wanted a feminine style and that "too much 'man' in the mirror bothers me." She layered it without taking away any length. I'm pleased.

I continue to pluck my beard, and resolved 5 days ago to make it a daily routine. That is, I have stopped shaving my face and will resort to plucking exclusively. (Will continue to shave throat, however.) Although discouraged about plucking's effectiveness in my previous post, was recently encouraged at how slowly mustache hairs have returned. In fact, I have quite a harvest of white, downy hairs on my upper lip. (Love the feel!) An epilator can remove them easily should they get too long. It appears plucked hairs grow back thinner and with less color; continued plucking prevents hairs from thickening and darkening.

Have enjoyed decorating my apartment. Came to realize how much I like purples/lavenders/blues. Got some vases and silk flowers. Found just the sort of floral couch I was looking for (out on the curb for free, no less). You don't need to be envious; the sofa shows some wear and had quite a bit of pet hair on it. The sofa's fabric looks similar to this. (http://www.crittercouch.com/GreenFLoral.JPG) Purchased a lovely set of fine china at a thrift store because the pattern was so strikingly beautiful (and the thrift store has a great mission), even though I don't need fine dinnerware. Pattern is Roselyn Dogwood (http://images.replacements.com/images/i ... d_P0000087 136S0003T2.jpg). Placed some of the serving pieces on my shelves for decoration.

Bought a digital camera this evening. Hope to post images in my profile from time to time.

How are my moods? There's quite a dynamic range. Both highs and lows are accentuated, from finding some things too funny, or crying too much watching news on TV. Estrogen would moderate the range mildly but I'm not taking it at the moment. Testosterone would further reduce the range.

That's all for now,

Terri

Hi all,

Spent some time in front of the camera tonight. The results were depressing; didn't see "female" in the pictures at all. Although I thought my hair had turned out well today, it wasn't feminine -- merely male 1970's style. Cried a bit, thinking, "Have I been deceiving myself that I can achieve an androgynous look?" Took a shower to get it out of my system.

After the shower, went back to the hairstyle I had before the recent haircut. To my partial relief, camera results were a bit more ambiguous genderwise. See my avatar for results.

* * *

Would you believe my wife is making mild overtures at reconciliation? I wouldn't have put any weight in it except the Lord brought a song to mind the next day which emphasized "love will surely find a way." She wants us to go through some marriage counseling in May and is even talking about the possibility of moving to this area in the fall.

* * *

Would you believe beard-plucking is enjoyable? Maybe it is an expression of body-hatred, but I get real satisfaction out of each hair plucked. The pain is nothing, honestly. Can't believe how numerous the hairs are! I'll think my face is cleared, then further inspection reveals more. Those "white, downy" hairs on my upper lip actually have dark roots, so they wouldn't stay white for long if I let them stay.

That's all for now,

Terri

hi Bryan, Interesting reading. just curious since you so strongly identitfy with with a female self-image, are you ever attracted to men. Don't answer this if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Hi Estragen,

Yes, I'm mildly attracted to men nowadays. That's one of the ways I knew I had really, really changed inside. Since I don't plan to get involved with anyone, the attraction is simply a matter of amusement, as in, "I can't believe I'm thinking about how it would feel to run my hands thru his short, stubbly hair!" or "Why do I keep looking at that DJ's face on that billboard each day?" When I look at females, the first thing I look at is hairstyle, critiquing it and seeing if I can gain any pointers. It used to be that I would run females "through the mill" while observing them, i.e., looking at them as a male would. That's not the case anymore. If anything, it's the males who get run through the mill, mainly their face and overall demeanor.

Good question.

* * *

Hi all,

Got maam'd this morning at the driver's license facility, by an Indian male (as in the country India). It felt good. Seems like Indian men are the most likely to take my androgynous look for female. I'll know I've made progress when the maam's come from people within my ethnicity.

Can a person have more than one adolescence? If we are speaking in the physical sense of growing to adulthood, then no. But if we are speaking in the wider sense, that of changing/growing and searching for one's place in the world, then yes, a second adolescence is possible. That's exactly what I've been going through. The gender shift undid some parts of my original adolescence and I'm trying to see where I fit in all over again. The assumptions which worked previously no longer apply. I need to figure out all over again how I'm going to deal with life. In the meantime, I've been doing little more than "waiting to die."

Terri

Hi all,

Time for an assessment. It's been over 7 months since I separated from my wife (at her request). One of the reasons I moved out was to move to a larger city and "get help." A side benefit of moving out was the opportunity to see who/what I really am. You see, back home, I was unable to assess the degree of my GID as long as wife-imposed gender boundaries were in force. In moving out, I would be free to "be myself" -- whatever that turned out to be. Time for an assessment of just that:

1. Can't handle "man in the mirror": Been feminizing my exterior to reduce dissonance with my inside perception. Body hair is ugly, so I remove it occasionally. Beard shadow (not to mention stubble) is ugly, so I pluck my face. Been wearing my hair in a feminine style. Whenever I see "distinct male" in the mirror, I cringe and adjust my hair to compensate. Could I stop these feminizing measures and just resume an average male appearance? No, my psyche couldn't handle it; I would become depressed and think about gender even more (as though that's possible). Something worrisome is I haven't hit a status quo and there's no way to stop the effects of aging. A feminine man may be acceptable while still youthful-looking, but I'm going to look downright weird as I age.

2. Nightshirt: Used to sleep only in my undies, but now I feel immodest/undressed without a shirt. So I wear an extra-large/extra-long t-shirt to bed.

3. Decor: I really like flowers and floral patterns, especially in lavenders/purples. Much more concerned with appearance of things as I get things for my apartment; used to consider only the function of something, but now I weigh appearance as well.

4. Hormones: Tried estrogen and found it to my liking.

5. Cross-dressing: Haven't done much. Undies have the unfortunate effect of increasing libido, so I stay away. Just having them in my drawer is a comfort, however. My winter boots and hat are from the ladies department. My black lunch carrier has turned into a purse effectively; there's no longer room in it for a lunch. I wear a ladies watch now; found my old metal digital watch too klunky so simply stopped wearing it.

6. Unusual purchases/acquisitions for a male: fine china (floral pattern), floral sofa, sewing machine.

7. Fragrance/lotions: I take note of fragrances more than previously, and enjoy using products with a mild fragrance.

8. Sir vs. Ma'am: Makes my day when a store clerk maam's me, whereas "sir" hurts the ears.

9. Name: Like going by Terry. "Brian" sounds a bit like "sir" -- too masculine.

Conclusion from it all? The gender issues are real and deeply-ingrained. (Big surprise, eh?) But it could have turned out differently. Sometimes when you have the freedom to try something out (at some personal cost), you tire of it soon enough and return to the security/comfort of a prior situation. That hasn't happened in my case.

* * *

Experienced a mild crisis at the office today. It's time to enroll for medical insurance, but I don't want to reveal my recent medical history (GID diagnosis, psychiatric sessions, gender therapy, and estrogen without a prescription). I'm honest, so either I reveal all that or decline insurance. It's a very small office, so I'm sure whatever I reveal would soon become known to folks I relate to everyday. It could even jeopardize my employment, even though there's a state law against such discrimination. (All it would take is the fact I occasionally use a prescription medication -- estrogen -- without a prescription.)

So I'm leaning toward declining insurance.

Terri

That's an interesting bio. Good luck. It does sound like you are finally happy with your self image. The discrimination problem is a major hurdle to overcome - be careful out there!

Hi Terry,

One's personal research into one's true being is a life long pursuit, especially for people like us. It's the consistent search for one's true self and facing the truth about who we are that keeps us going.

The male thing, quite understandable. I absolutely hate it when I get sir'ed. As far as the image in the mirror, mine is finally starting to improve. The hormones are doing their magic. I'm finally starting to get a little prettier...if you know what I mean?

Hang in there and don't turn down that health insurance. It's a very handy thing to have. It's not a matter of lying...you just don't have to give them the whole truth.

Hi all,

REFLECTIONS ON GENDER: WAXING PHILOSOPHICAL

(Sorry for the length, but the conclusion is truly helpful, I believe.)

One of the problems facing transsexuals is the subjectiveness of gender. We yearn for an objective measure of gender, to either justify our position (and validate our torment) or set us straight. With that in mind, let's examine gender from a different perspective. We usually think of gender in the concrete examples of males and females. This time, let's take an abstract look, characterizing gender in complementary pairs. After all, gender is about complementary pairs, just like positive/negative or heads/tails. This is the same attitude which can assign gender to inanimate objects as in some languages.

(In each pair, the male characteristic appears first.)

NOTE: Don't look at these pairings as oversimplified generalizations. It would be easy to find counterexamples to the generalizations BUT observe that those who violate the generalization may be judged as 'unfeminine' or effeminate. So the generalizations are valid. For instance, men are loud and women are softer. A loud man may be judged as obnoxious but won't be called effeminate for it. A loud woman, on the other hand, will be criticized in ways which subtly indicate the behavior is inappropriate for her gender (e.g., "shrill").

Hard/Rough vs. Soft/Smooth

A man's face is rough and his hands may be calloused. That's okay for a man. A woman's skin is smooth/soft, and callouses are not feminine.

Coarse vs. Refined

Men can use coarse language and tell coarse jokes and will never be accused of acting outside their gender. Women, on the other hand, are considered unfeminine or unladylike for such behavior.

(Do you see where this is going? We aren't defining gender by observed real behavior but rather expectations of each sex.)

Brash/Aggressive vs. Demure

Loud vs. Soft

Abrupt/to-the-point vs. Engaging/Roundabout

Reaching over a distance (slingshots, balls, guns, arrows, missles) vs. Holding things close (hugs, dollies)

Function over appearance vs. Appearance over function

Strong/sturdy vs. Weak/Fragile

Strong/functional vs. Beautiful

Associated with Men vs. Associated with Women

Things can inherit gender by virtue of which gender uses them. Similarly, a man will be judged effeminate for being too experienced with women's tools and vice versa.

Big/Coarse vs. Small/Delicate

I was thinking about this one while picking out a satin nightgown. (I love it, by the way.) As feminine as a nightgown is, it doesn't convey femininity if the wearer appears to be growing out of it. To be on the safe side, I picked out a size 3X. It fits my shoulders without that "wearing my wife's nightgown" look.

Angular vs. Round

Dependable/Stable vs. Temperamental

Active outside the home vs. homemaker

Stretcher vs. Protector

Fathers stretch their children to take risks, whereas mothers are protectors. A father is commended for stretching his children whereas a mother may be criticized as not being protective enough in similar situations.

...

That's a long enough list for now. Assuming the list is valid, we can assign gender to inanimate objects. For instance:

- Flowers are soft, fragile, and beautiful, hence feminine.

- Major appliances are strong and sturdy (masculine) but primarily used by women (feminine), so it's hard to classify their gender.

- Computers: small, delicate, and temperamental; hence feminine.

- Cars: Reaching for distance, hard, sturdy, powerful; hence masculine.

- Clouds: Soft, rounded, delicate; hence feminine.

- Rocks: Hard, sturdy, used by boys in slingshots; hence masculine.

(Side note: If you think it's ridiculous to assign gender to inanimate objects, don't complain to me. Take it up with those whose languages REQUIRE gender for inanimate objects. The idea didn't start here.)

CONCLUSION: If we can assign gender to inanimate objects, THEN WE HAVE DISCOVERED AN OBJECTIVE CHARACTERIZATION OF GENDER! That is, if we can assign gender to flowers and appliances, WE CAN FIGURE OUT OUR OWN GENDER! Don't focus on the specific list because I'm sure there are inaccuracies; rather, consider this overall approach toward gender. By comparing our personal traits with these gendered complementary-pairs, we can see what parts of us are masculine and which are feminine. Taking them all together, we get an overall assessment of our gender.

Terri

P.S. -- I enrolled for medical insurance after being assured of privacy by the agent. In fact, I FAX'd the forms directly to him; thus no one in the office had access to them. So I can get sick now. :-\