plix,

What I meant on the estrogen topic is that Terri sh

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Mon Oct 30, 2006 6:06 pm ould not discontinue the estrogen

use because of the minor side effects she has experienced. The body needs time to adjust to the type of estrogen and the dosage. The only way this is going to happen is through continued use.

I am in full agreement with you on the entire estrogen topic. One should not even begin to think about taking estrogen without being fully versed and knowledgeable on it's effects. If Terri has the slightest doubt in her mind, she should discontinue it immediately.

This is what I'm talking about when I say I'm wondering. Terri appears to be having a very difficult time committing to a firm course of action. This week the GID is intense...the next week it's moderated. She is very much "back and forth" on the whole issue. She appears to be afraid of something. Maybe this is why, after so many sessions with the therapist, that she has not be given the letter of recommendation to see a doctor about hormone therapy. Maybe Terri's therapist is not entirely convinced that she is truly GID.

I know that my therapist wrote my letter after my very first session with her, but that's me.

Hi all,

Currently on a low dose of estrogen (Climara 25) and doing great mentally. (Took your advice, Erica, to let my body get used to it.) Seems my gender issues have moved to the back burner and aren't much of a problem. Still shaving body hair, keeping beard shaved, and growing out hair. But seem to have found a happy medium.

I have finally achieved -- with the help of estrogen -- the EUNUCH CALM.

Erica and Plix: You question whether I am really TS since I'm doing so well nowadays. However, I don't think there's much question about it, if one goes back though my diary. Relief didn't come UNTIL estrogen entered my system. And when I came off estrogen for a short while, gender issues moved to the front burner again.

As I explained to my brother, there's another aspect to taking estrogen, a TS aspect: If I gained this sort of relief from an anti-depressant, it wouldn't be the same. That would be so BORING -- and I doubt such relief would be possible via an anti-depressant anyway. There's just something about knowing I have estrogen in me which brings satisfaction and peace. Also, anti-depressants have a host of side-effects, not to mention withdrawal effects. If estrogen is what brings me relief and enables me to function, breast development is something I can happily live with. (Also won't get too much on the low dose.) As you surmised, there is an internal struggle. In my case, I can't justify full transition except for pyschological necessity. Similarly, I can't justify boobies for boobies' sake. But if my "medicine" (estrogen) has feminizing side-effects, that's alright with me. As you recall, I wanted to sample estrogen to see how it affected me mentally, plus I saw transition as a psychological necessity back in August. Estrogen now makes transition unnecessary in my case. From a practical standpoint, $15/month for estrogen beats the pants off $6000 for electro, $15,000 for SRS, untold dollars for gender therapy and endocrinologists, voice training (and constant use of an affected voice), employment risks, rejection by family, etc. I was willing to go thru all that to avoid depression and be functional again, but estrogen (combined with castration) provides sufficient relief.

HEY! Maybe I'm a castration "success story" after all!

Wife still treats me as though I have cooties. Even though I'm doing so well (thanks to estrogen), she said she will have to pray about whether to visit this area and my family for Christmas, even though all time I'd spend with our boy would be supervised by her. She asked, "You WILL wear long pants all the time, right?" Oh, horrors! Bryan shaved his beard, is wearing his hair longer, and has no leg hair. Horrors! WHO KNOWS what damage this could do to a 6-year-old?! [/sarcasm off] So it's unlikely we will ever get back together.

* * *

Details about my experience thus far with estrogen:

- Still experiencing short bits of dizziness when I change orientation (e.g., lying down, getting up). Interesting that I didn't get that with oral estrogen. I wonder, "What's the difference?" Still prefer the patch so as to avoid the blood-clot risks of pills.

- Noticing some bits of blood sometimes when I blow my nose. Not concerned since nosebleeds came easily as a child, and I seem to recall some of this anyway when the weather is dry and cold.

- Nipples are tender. Not checking daily for development since I know it will eventually come.

- The GID chatter in my brain, which once was pretty constant, has been silenced. I'm pleasantly inbetween genders.

Terri

bryan (imported) wrote: Sun Nov 05, 2006 8:20 pm Erica and Plix: You question whether I am really TS since I'm doing so well nowadays. However, I don't think there's much question about it, if one goes back though my diary. Relief didn't come UNTIL estrogen entered my system. And when I came off estrogen for a short while, gender issues moved to the front burner again.

Terri

Dear Terri,

I guess what I'm really questioning is the level of GID.

From your most recent thoughts, as described, I'm beginning to wonder...how much of your experience over the past two years can be attributed to true GID or how much of it could be as a result of your castration and the resulting hormone imbalance that was brought about by the surgery? Could it be a combination of both?

By the way, how was your first week on the new job? I sincerely hope it went well for you.

Any ideas on a possible place to relocate yet?

Oh, I also keep looking for your avatar...no sign of that photo yet.

Keep us posted girl.

Hi all,

Probably won't be updating this diary much more. Any lows and anguish are a repeat of previous episodes. Don't want to present a rehash of the past. If I don't update it for awhile, you can assume I'm doing okay. (And if I'm not doing well, it will be my own fault for not taking estrogen.) Appears I've hit some kind of stasis. If I take estrogen (say 2mg/day), then I do well mentally. If I stop, then depression returns and death becomes more appealing than life. However, as discussed previously, there is an internal struggle. Although feminization of the body is appealing and what I want to see in the mirror, realized I was hoping death would come before the changes would cause a problem publicly.

Ah! -- we see it again, my all-purpose solution for difficult problems: death. (But I was thinking this after I had tapered the estrogen dose, so I was already entering the depressed frame of mind again.)

It appears 2mg/day is sufficient to provide mental benefits whereas 1mg/day is not. So I'm asking myself what to do: use estrogen as an anti-depressant and accept the feminizing side-effects (even though I'm not transitioning), or do I accept a lower quality of life and learn to live with a depressed state? (If you haven't been able to tell yet, I have a bias against high-powered prescription medicines. Anti-depressants are mysterious things which do I-don't-know-what to the brain whereas estrogen is common, something found in all women, and an obvious remedy for low hormones.)

Didn't go to my TS support group last week. Why not? When I'm on estrogen, GID isn't much of an issue. I already don't "dress" for the occasion. If my GID is so mild, people will wonder why I'm even there.

Plucked my beard again. Only took four hours this time to clear most of the face. (Didn't do light hairs nor the neck.) Hairs came out a little more easily this time; chin hairs weren't anchored like before. Surprisingly, time spent plucking is actually quite enjoyable; I listen to the radio, each minute's results are satisfying, and it's hard to stop.

On other fronts: The new job is going well. Looking for a different apartment, one closer to work. Think I'll live alone to avoid revealing gender issues to a roomie. Relations with my wife are cordial but not good/healthy. She hurts me in ways she doesn't realize; makes me feel like an untouchable by not wanting me to see our son at all.

Terri

P.S. to Erica: The reason I haven't posted a picture is I don't like what I see -- not feminine enough. Besides that, my smile in each is kind of goofy. Maybe when my hair is longer (although that won't help my smile ).

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Mon Nov 06, 2006 10:13 am I'm beginning to wonder...how much of your experience over the past two years can be attributed to true GID or how much of it could be as a result of your castration and the resulting hormone imbalance that was brought about by the surgery? Could it be a combination of both?

That very question plagued me from October 2005 until June 2006. Only then did I realize my behaviors before castration were those of a high-intensity TS. As I had told my wife before castration, "One of the things I'm dealing with is I want to be a girl!" I thought the desire to be a girl was a paraphilia and would go away as a result of castration. Imagine my disappointment when it resurfaced 3-4 months after castration. I think professionals would attribute the 3-4 months of relief from GID as "placebo effect."

Hi all,

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Would you believe I actually have my dad's approval/encouragement to use estrogen? Told him how I had shied away from it and the depression returned. He said to go ahead and take it. As an anti-depressant, it's fast-acting; only takes 2-3 days to start working.

I move into a 1BR apartment December 2nd. Looking forward to furnishing/decorating it.

A man held a door open for me yesterday. It gave me a glow for the day since it means my appearance may be getting confusingly androgynous. It probably helped that I was carrying my black lunch sack which looks a bit like a boxy purse. (And "purse" it is: contains a mirror, hairbrush, tissues, and will have lotion soon.)

Been working on my voice during commutes and recording samples at home. Feel like I've made some progress.

Recent insights: Now that I realized I'm transgendered, it helps me understand my past. Never got excited about [male] clothes; figured I just wasn't fashion-conscious. Certain patterns from past sheets, curtains, and dinnerware have left strong, warm impressions/memories. I have enjoyed furnishing/decorating, but attributed it to an "artistic flair." Back in my teens and 20's, wore my hair longer than most my age.

Another insight: Seems like some folks with GID are able to stifle it as long as they stay busy/preoccupied with life. For instance, I didn't have a serious problem until I started telecommuting. Too much time alone, too much time free from distractions, too much time unsupervised. Two people on another board didn't have serious problems until one took a forced sabbatical and the other retired. Makes me glad there's so much to learn at my new job. I figure boredom would only leads to gender distress. You know how smart children can become discipline problems in school if they are bored and not challenged? Well, the same applies for adults in the workplace. Although I had started off as a good telecommuter, I became less and less productive as GID took it's toll.

But mere activity isn't the answer. In fact, my wife now confesses she had tried to preoccupy me with some household tasks when I was living at home. It backfired because I felt like a mule and was getting burned out. But, also, the proverbial cat was already out of the bag; GID had reared its head and had to be dealt with. Orchiectomy combined with estrogen has done a lot for me.

It's been pleasant being called 'Terry' at work. Really became disenchanted with the old me, I guess. 'Terry' represents a new beginning, one without testosterone.

Terri

bryan (imported) wrote: Fri Nov 24, 2006 9:15 am Hi all,

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Would you believe I actually have my dad's approval/encouragement to use estrogen? Told him how I had shied away from it and the depression returned. He said to go ahead and take it. As an anti-depressant, it's fast-acting; only takes 2-3 days to start working.

I move into a 1BR apartment December 2nd. Looking forward to furnishing/decorating it.

A man held a door open for me yesterday. It gave me a glow for the day since it means my appearance may be getting confusingly androgynous. It probably helped that I was carrying my black lunch sack which looks a bit like a boxy purse. (And "purse" it is: contains a mirror, hairbrush, tissues, and will have lotion soon.)

Been working on my voice during commutes and recording samples at home. Feel like I've made some progress.

Recent insights: Now that I realized I'm transgendered, it helps me understand my past. Never got excited about [male] clothes; figured I just wasn't fashion-conscious. Certain patterns from past sheets, curtains, and dinnerware have left strong, warm impressions/memories. I have enjoyed furnishing/decorating, but attributed it to an "artistic flair." Back in my teens and 20's, wore my hair longer than most my age.

Another insight: Seems like some folks with GID are able to stifle it as long as they stay busy/preoccupied with life. For instance, I didn't have a serious problem until I started telecommuting. Too much time alone, too much time free from distractions, too much time unsupervised. Two people on another board didn't have serious problems until one took a forced sabbatical and the other retired. Makes me glad there's so much to learn at my new job. I figure boredom would only leads to gender distress. You know how smart children can become discipline problems in school if they are bored and not challenged? Well, the same applies for adults in the workplace. Although I had started off as a good telecommuter, I became less and less productive as GID took it's toll.

But mere activity isn't the answer. In fact, my wife now confesses she had tried to preoccupy me with some household tasks when I was living at home. It backfired because I felt like a mule and was getting burned out. But, also, the proverbial cat was already out of the bag; GID had reared its head and had to be dealt with. Orchiectomy combined with estrogen has done a lot for me.

It's been pleasant being called 'Terry' at work. Really became disenchanted with the old me, I guess. 'Terry' represents a new beginning, one without testosterone.

Terri

Thats great! It sounds like your doing much better. From my experience hormones will do a great job of elimination of depression like symptoms. I went in for a mental health screening a while ago and the person evaluating the answers said "You are remarkably healthy" I said we should have tried this when my testosterone was in the tank. He agreed that I would most likely have scored very poorly for depression and so forth.

I have a theory that the hormones we use "wire" us to some extent. Thus the longer you take estrogens the more you will be comfortable in transitioning. Ok, remember I'm not a doctor and don't even play one on TV. But for me anyway, the longer I've been taking T the more comfortable I feel about my maleness. I think there is some factor that says you have to be lower level wired to know which hormones you take. You Estrogen me Testosterone for example. I urge you to consult with

mrt (imported) wrote: Fri Jun 02, 2006 3:55 pm your Doctor about regular blood testing

so your hormones are at healthy levels and your safe. Be sure to do those annual exams as well.

Happy Thanksgiving my M2F friend. You m2M chum MrT aka James.

Hi all,

Just a short note to wish you all a nice Christmas. I've been doing fairly well. Still have my crying jags from time to time, over little things as well as big. But much more stable than previously.

Still not an ounce of regret over castration. It was ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY or I was going to do harm to myself.

No plans to transition at this point, and yet I'm not depressed. But keep in mind I'm on estrogen (2mg/day), haven't had a haircut since July, and have been plucking my beard since shadow looks so ghastly in the mirror. So I've still got issues. Also, I go by 'Terry' now, except with family.

It's amazing I survived the past year. Thanks for your interest in my ups and downs. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, too.

Terri

plix,

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Tue Oct 31, 2006 1:15 pm What I meant on the estrogen topic is that Terri sh

[quote="EricaAnn (imported)" time

EricaAnn (imported) wrote: Tue Oct 31, 2006 1:15 pm =1162191960]
ould not discontinue the estrogen

use because of the minor side effects she has experienced. The body needs time to adjust to the type of estrogen and the dosage. The only way this is going to happen is through continued use.

I am in full agreement with you on the entire estrogen topic. One should not even begin to think about taking estrogen without being fully versed and knowledgeable on it's effects. If Terri has the slightest doubt in her mind, she should discontinue it immediately.

This is what I'm talking about when I say I'm wondering. Terri appears to be having a very difficult time committing to a firm course of action. This week the GID is intense...the next week it's moderated. She is very much "back and forth" on the whole issue. She appears to be afraid of something. Maybe this is why, after so many sessions with the therapist, that she has not be given the letter of recommendation to see a doctor about hormone therapy. Maybe Terri's therapist is not entirely convinced that she is truly GID.

I know that my therapist wrote my letter
[/quote]
after my very first session with her, but that's me.

I think you make an excellent point about hormones. For me going on HRT had a few fairly quick changes. More energy, mood improved etc. But the memory / mental process and the sex drive too a lot longer. This might be some form of recharge? Or repair? I don't know but the full effects take a while and while I don't have any experience with estrogen I don't see why it would be any different.

Hi Terri,

Are you out there girl? I know you're on dial up right now, but post up for us once in a while and let us know how you're doing. I for one miss your posts.

Hi all,

Since Erica requested, I'm happy to oblige.

Peanuts are off my diet for awhile. I have no doubt now that they help my adrenal glands produce testosterone. I had been eating peanuts regularly in the evenings, and even though I've been off estrogen since Dec. 23rd*, I've been emotionally stable (with a few notable exceptions in private) and even got some libido yesterday.

(*Don't get me wrong: I like estrogen and have a four-month supply of the good stuff -- transdermal Climara -- in reserve. You see, life on estrogen is too good mentally/emotionally sometimes. I like to take breaks to get in touch again with life-without-hormones. Life on estrogen is amusing at times: body odor is distinctly different, like that of a female. Without hormones, on the other hand, deodorant is rarely necessary.)

About that libido... A

bryan (imported) wrote: Wed Jun 14, 2006 10:07 am fter the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift,

my libido had morphed into a hatred for my male equipment (and wanting any sex to be in a female role). Castration was effective to the point of stopping self-harming behaviors. When libido returned yesterday morning, I contemplated returning to another pre-castration behavior: tucking Mr. Penis with Crazy Glue. When I realized what was happening, I simply masturbated so I could get on with life. Libido and I just don't mix.

I would not make a good transitioning transsexual due to a fatal catch-22: ladies clothes are arousing. (In that respect, my case would probably make good fodder for those who support the notorious autogynophile theory.) Although I sometimes hate my male underwear to the point of wanting to rip it off, wearing ladies underwear -- even just plain white cotton ones -- results in annoying erections. Although libido has been unplugged (via castration) and I'm not donning the underwear for sexual reasons, the response is still there. Makes me want to cut the thing off (but I won't*). No wonder my TSism lay hidden by TVism all those years I had testosterone. What's a TS to do? Lay off peanuts, for one thing.

(*My parents got a kitchen knife set over Christmas and offered it to me in front of others. I turned it down, saying my solitary 3" paring knife was sufficient. The others were incredulous and said, "Take it!" I still refused. Even though all present were aware of my gender issues, I didn't want to tell them large knives make me think of suicide and/or do-it-yourself penectomy.)

Got ma'amd yesterday in a store, by a young female clerk no less. Made my day! The longer hair is having some effect. Also, I've continued to minimize beard shadow by regular plucking. What I see in the mirror is important. If I see "feminine," I'm happy. Even if I see "boy," that's okay. If I see "MAN," I go "YUCK!" and play with my hair till things are okay again.

In a prior post, I claimed we can discover something about who we are by noting what we take pride in. In other words, "we take pride in who we are." One symptom of the gender shift is male pride vanished. I no longer have anything to prove as a male. I don't identify with males and don't want to align myself with them. But you know what? That male pride got replaced by female pride. I didn't realize it until today while folding laundry. In the past, I figured folding a fitted sheet the proper way was an arcane waste of time. Now I take time to do it well. After all, my pride is at stake. At a family dinner last night, the men were taking pride in their knowledge of Chicago's grid system, knowledge the women at the table lacked. I happily confessed to a niece my dependence on MapQuest for getting around.

Saw my wife and son over New Year's. The visit was good, but -- to make a long discussion short -- I still have cooties, at least in my wife's eyes. She reiterated that I'll have to wear long pants on future visits, even in hot summer weather, if I keep my legs shaved.

Speaking of which: shaved body hair today and felt "nice and clean" as a result. Body hair is ugly to this TS.

Terri