This morning the phone rang. A call from South Korea. My young friend in the Air Force called to rekindle our friendship. He apologized for not being much of a friend. I told him after two tours in Iraq and his second time in South Korea he had been busy. I told him that I was always back here cheering him on and I knew I would hear from him again.

I hired him to work with me in patient care years ago and was always impressed with him. He did not have a very good relation with his father and his mother thought of me as a second father to him. We worked well together, worked out together and we shared our pain together. I was castrated 12/06/97 and I began working with him 4/01/98. On 4/19/98 the young man I loved, who died tragically many years before, mother came into the ER. She was released on 4/21/98 with her diagnosis of cancer with mets to the brain. My friend and I helped her to the car and she hugged me and said "you know I love you". The tears started to flow. When I was alone with my new trainee I lost it. This incredible young man heard all the pain and ugliness of my life.

He then shared some of his pains and frustrations and we bonded. He was the one who gave me the name tugon. Today he mentioned he had his dog tugonned. We chuckled over that one. I mentioned that my dog was neutered and since I also was neutered we were still trying to decide who was the Alpha Male. Again more laughter and it was so good to hear his voice again.

I do worry about bonding and attachments with friends but today reminded me that good people that are supportive and caring are the ones with which I can bond. I am glad we are back in contact because I do want to know the joys and be there for the pains of life. I hope his wife does not mind how much I care about him. I am looking forward to meeting her. They are planning a family when he is stationed in England. I have been invited and if they have a child I can be the nanny when they take the train to Paris. I have informed him that he needs to take his wife to Paris while he is so close.

Yes today was a good day.

I have much time to think while walking my dog. We spend about 3 hours of the day treeing squirrels, peeing on bushes and hopefully pooping on the ground instead of carpet. Walking a dog is very peaceful and I recommend it highly.

Today while walking I remembered my second grade teacher Sister Madonna. I remember her working with me to speak above a whisper. One day she was having me give answers to the flash cards she would show. I whispered the answer and she would ask me to speak louder for the class. Finally she showed me a flash card and I stated the answer so loud that she dropped the flash cards. I always liked her.

Years later as an Altar Boy she would be at a Mass that I served. She told my mother that she was proud of me. She died tragically in a car accident.

Today I wonder what she thought of me as a child when I would have wetting accidents in her class. Not from bladder control issues but from trauma. The way teachers are trained today to recognize the signs would she have alerted anyone. Yes I think she would have.

Strange that I would think of her and my wet pants. I guess since I remember few adults that were kind I think of her and John A who used to tell my mother that he wanted to adopt me. He was one of the few adult males that I felt were kind and liked me. He was a gentle man and I enjoyed his visits. His wife would bake all of us cookies but John would slip a dollar in my pocket. Back in the days when a dollar bought something.

I cannot always stay on the positive side of life because positive is fairly new for me. Physical and sexual abuse ended in 1997 but verbal ended in 2002 from the same individual. Nine years with no abuse has been good.

Today at work while the elder couple were napping I thought about my being 55years old. No one is more surprised than me that I made it to this age. In my youth I thought I would hate being this age. Like so many things I was wrong. I guess chronologically you are an age but do not have to feel that age.

I remember in college when I met a professor from another school. We met in my favorite gay bar at the time. We talked and he invited me to his home for dinner. I was flattered and said I would join him on the evening and time suggested. He was a good cook. What was troubling for 19 year old me was that he was 37 years old. Of course now that I am 55 I would love to meet a hot 37 year old. Funny how time changes your perspective.

I do not spend much time thinking about 65 but I hope to reach that age. Like many I hope to have my health and senses to the end. As a caretaker I like taking care of others but I do not want to need care. Psychotherapy excluded of course.

I guess what I think today is life has always been interesting. I am glad I did not miss it.

Well this is new and weird. Recently I have become troubled by human touch. I have had for awhile trouble when someone would put their hands on my shoulders when I was seated in a chair. I would feel trapped and confined. A bear hug with my arms pinned to my side would panic me. Now the slightest of touch is an issue.

As a caregiver touch is very important. A touch can be comforting and reassure someone that they are safe. Touching while assisting with hygiene is mandatory. I can easily do my work but when they reach out for something and touch me I cringe. When I assist with transfers I now dread their having to hold on to me. I am not sure if this is a sign of burn-out or related to my other issues.

This problem with touch is with everyone. A clerk in a store hands me back change and when our hands might touch I cringe. This happens with male or female so I cannot directly relate it to anything. During the morning hours the TV is usually on Let's Make A Deal and The Price Is Right. This morning someone had the chance to win massages for a year and that sounded like torture to me. A stranger touching me for an hour and more times to come. No thank you.

As some of you know I have a problem with nudity. In a healthcare setting I asses the body for skin ulcers and other concerns. Outside of healthcare I do not want to see naked bodies. I remember giving a speech to another member about what I can and cannot tolerate. Neither the member nor my roommate had any reason to be concerned about their bodies but my hang-ups were I did not want to see them without clothes.

I have lived with the nudity issue but the problem with touch is causing greater issues. I am not germ phobic so that is not it. I grew up without being touched so in later years if my mother did touch me I would cringe. A hand through the hair or a rub of the shoulders would panic me. I remember how much I craved being touched after becoming a eunuch but as time has passed I avoid touch. Please do not hug this eunuch.

I love sleeping in on a Sunday but a cold wet tongue in the ear at 5:45AM was to prevent that from happening. I think I have lost control of my home. Yes it has gone to the dogs literally. I even thought this was my week to be in control.

Seriously though having a dog has been a great addition to my life. It has been almost two months now and we are adjusting to one another quite well. His antics have me laughing often which was needed. He is my personal trainer since we walk several times a day and on average for three hours total.

Even though I was not pleased to be out walking that early my corner of the world was amazing. Everything was softened by the early morning fog. When we walked through the woods we could hear the rain from earlier still dropping from the tree branches. Many squirrels to chase and scents to follow. We rounded a bend and there were two deer to greet us. I made some clicking noises and Corky did not let out one of his hound dog barks and we were able to get quite close. I guess an early morning commune with nature is not such a bad idea.

Now for an hour nap.

As I have mentioned before winds can seem cleansing. Such as the time I was standing on Pont des Arts in Paris and the winds blew some of my past away. Tonight I went for a walk with my dog since the rain had not yet come but I loved the motion of the trees. His leash whipped in the wind and his ears rode the currents. My raincoat was fluttering behind me.

Other than the sound of the wind the world was at peace. There was very little traffic and no human voice to interrupt the solitude. Just the music of the wind as we walked.

The trees are beginning to bloom and many have spring blossoms. The grass is green and growing rapidly. The rebirth of Spring is here. As a eunuch I can enjoy the fragrance of Spring so much more.

As I had mentioned in a previous post I have troubles with nudity. I do not want to be nude in front of others and I prefer them dressed when they are with me. A clinical setting is different of course. Which is why I wanted to mention the older gentleman who posed naked at his patio door while I was walking my dog.

Corky woke me up at 7:15 with a great need to water some plants. I threw on a pair of shoes, my rain coat and of course I was wearing the lounge pants and t-shirt I slept in last night. Half asleep and without any coffee we began our walk. Windy, damp and 41 degrees which made me miss my warm bed. Corky decided to walk between two of the apartment buildings when I noticed motion with my peripheral vision. I glanced over and there he was. All I could think of is you cannot even walk a dog in peace. All I did not think of was to pull out my camera with built-in phone. A nice image to send to the rental office.

Of course with my issues this kind of event creeps me out a little more than it should. I am working hard not to think what he might have done after he had his thrill of exposing himself. The idea of someone achieving pleasure at my expense and against my will is the cause of the very hot and long shower I am about to take.

tugon (imported) wrote: Mon Apr 18, 2011 6:00 am As I had mentioned in a previous post I have troubles with nudity. I do not want to be nude in front of others and I prefer them dressed when they are with me. A clinical setting is different of course. Which is why I wanted to mention the older gentleman who posed naked at his patio door while I was walking my dog.

Corky woke me up at 7:15 with a great need to water some plants. I threw on a pair of shoes, my rain coat and of course I was wearing the lounge pants and t-shirt I slept in last night. Half asleep and without any coffee we began our walk. Windy, damp and 41 degrees which made me miss my warm bed. Corky decided to walk between two of the apartment buildings when I noticed motion with my peripheral vision. I glanced over and there he was. All I could think of is you cannot even walk a dog in peace. All I did not think of was to pull out my camera with built-in phone. A nice image to send to the rental office.

Of course with my issues this kind of event creeps me out a little more than it should. I am working hard not to think what he might have done after he had his thrill of exposing himself. The idea of someone achieving pleasure at my expense and against my will is the cause of the very hot and long shower I am about to take.

Perhaps, playing doctor might help loosen the inhibitions?

kristoff wrote: Mon Apr 18, 2011 8:13 am Perhaps, playing doctor might help loosen the inhibitions?

I probably need to play doctor and have a little human touch. I have two sisters and one brother. My younger sister and I are much inhibited like our mother was. My other sister and brother who are both extroverts are very uninhibited. Of course during the T days the sexual addiction/compulsion blocked my inhibitions. I still tried to wear as much clothes as I could during sex.

I did visit with two old friends and we hugged. The hugs did not cause undo panic. The idea of a group hug is scarey. I guess I have never had much positive touch in my life. Dad used brooms and belts and mom was a face slapper. Neither were affectionate with me.

So yes I need to find someone I can feel safe with and try some physical contact. While I am looking for that person I think I will avoid that patio. I wonder if I had that reaction because he was flashing for his thrills and with no concern for me. Being alone with Brian I enjoyed his undressing because he wanted me to enjoy myself. It was never a crude well here it is situation. I guess there is hope.

I went to Church last night since a mass was being said for my uncle. By all reports the church is still standing this morning. They wanted family to carry the gifts to the altar. Not surprisingly they handed the wine to my sister and had me carry the unblessed hosts. Like I was going to sip on the wine on my way up the aisle. Of course after hearing many coughing during mass I decided not to drink from the chalice. A little body but no blood and no germs thank you.

What was strange for me was that I wished I had faith. I longed for the comfort I thought it might provide. The priest is a very kind and gentle man whom I have enjoyed the few times I have heard him say mass. Oh and for the sake of full disclosure I find him attractive. Today I know that I will not pursue a sense of faith or the priest.

Like so many of my issues that rise up to provoke me the question of faith is one of them. I know what the church wrongly teaches about gays so I could never fully feel like a member. I remember a priest that would come to the hospital to visit the sick of the parish. He always made a point of looking me up and flirting. I was nice but not interested. Then when I would be at church to photograph a wedding or his going away party he never knew my name. Many thought I was fun until they were in polite society and then I became a non-entity. Often people have made me feel like a mo-ped, a lot of fun to ride but no one wants to be seen on one.

Yes I think those memories along with the torment I endured at catholic schools puts the faith issue back to bed. Just needed to sort through some feelings.