I am now having doubts about attending the Male Survivor seminar. I am wondering if it would be of any help at this point in my life to rehash any of it. I think I have worked through it as much as I can and better leave it where it is.

I asy to know fully how you feel about being in a room full of strangers,and telling them things that you find very hard to talk about,it is easy to just write about what was done,when o one knows who you are.

For i find it easy to talk about things that were done to me,in this way and not have to look at others who dont know me,abuse and adult rape are very tought things to talk about,what ever you decide to do the very best of luck to you my friend.

I am not a hypochondriac but I wonder if I am a mental health hypochondriac. One of my diagnosis for myself is that I think I have attachment disorder. I have trouble with relationships and when rejected by someone I easily write them off. I think from a lack of bonding and early abuse I never developed the ability to attach.

Recently I responded to a facebook post by my cousin's wife. She is super Catholic, super Republican and quotes from Ayn Rand. I responded with Matthew 19:24 and received a letter in the mail from my cousin. He accused me of being disloyal to the family and attacking his wife on facebook. He said that if I did not like them to leave them alone. That was enough and I am leaving them alone. I feel no sense of loss. I do not want to get into much detail but when his mother was in an accident and his father died I was very much there for family.

I understand when I have friends who call me frequently to talk about themselves with no real interest in how I feel or think. I offer advice and thoughts that I can tell are not acknowledged until someone more respected agrees. I know why those friendships end but family can end as quickly. I do have some friends from elementary school and other times of my life that are important.

I guess what I am saying is I feel no sense of loss. I think I should feel more but I often think less assholes in my life the better. When my grandmother died I felt a sense of relief. When my father died I felt a sense of safety and when my mother died I thought no more criticism. I have become happier without the negativity and disappointment from family. Now that my cousin and his wife have unfriended me on facebook I have unfriended them in life.

Or maybe it is my abandonment issues?

tugon (imported) wrote: Thu Mar 10, 2011 7:09 pm Or maybe it is my abandonment issues?

My friend, assholes are assholes, and there is just no fixing them. You simply exercised judgment!

kristoff wrote: Thu Mar 10, 2011 8:02 pm My friend, assholes are assholes, and there is just no fixing them. You simply exercised judgment!

Thank you that means so much coming from you. I tend to think the problem is with me but it could not always be me. You are correct they are assholes.

My role in the family was the scapegoat role. I need to stop continuing this on today. I need to acknowledge who I am and be strong in my sense of self. I am a good person and the non-assholes know this as fact.

tugon. Having people call you and talk about their issues and not seem to care much about your issues says to me that they value you and your opinion and you are to them a solid rock, an anchor.

Those who treat you as a scapegoat are in my opinion envious of the skills, talents, gifts you have. They are so insecure and immature and want so badly to be even half as good as you that the only thing they can do is try to belittle you, drag you down, beneath their level.

It is one of the oddities of life, people who try to destroy others, instead of encouraging and building up others.

Each of us has the capacity to see in others their potential - probably better than we can see it in ourselves. There is nothing wrong, there is everything right about seeing the good in others and helping them to achieve their potential, even though that may make them in any number of ways better off.

People who try to drag you down I compare to those little noseeum bugs. They fly in your ears, drive you to insanity, but you can't see or squish them. But there are many ways to avoid them, on purpose, intentionally, without harming them. If you did not mean offense to your relatives in the letter you sent, but they took offense, then good riddens. Terminate that communication path, find new people, compliment them, help them achieve their potential; life will be better than ever when we stop thinking only about me, myself, and I, and start focusing on others, their problems, and how, whatever little experience, knowledge and skill I have, might be useful in helping someone else out of their doldrums. Doing good for others, turns out, helps feed our well being. Doing no good to others, as in the case of your relatives, turns out does nothing but feed their misery and unhappiness. The choice is so obvious, but so many never catch on. All they do is moan and groan and complain and woe is me, woe is the world, they only see everything bad and wrong in others and everything they do or don't do. For them the glass is not just half empty, it is bone dry. Sounds like you are well on your way to a full cup of good living. Good Luck.

I found this to be interesting.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_po ... s_disorder

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is a psychological injury that results from protracted exposure to prolonged social and/or interpersonal trauma with lack or loss of control, disempowerment, and in the context of either captivity or entrapment, i.e. the lack of a viable escape route for the victim. C-PTSD is distinct from, but similar to, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Though mainstream journals have published papers on C-PTSD, the category is not formally recognized in diagnostic systems such as DSM or ICD.[1]

C-PTSD involves complex and reciprocal interactions between multiple biopsychosocial systems. It was first referred to by Judith Herman in her book Trauma & Recovery and an accompanying article.[2][3] Forms of trauma include sexual abuse (especially child sexual abuse), physical abuse, emotional abuse, domestic violence or torture.[4][5]

A differentiation between the diagnostic category of C-PTSD and that of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) has been suggested. C-PTSD better describes the pervasive negative impact of chronic repetitive trauma than does PTSD alone.[6][7]

PTSD descriptions fail to capture some of the core characteristics of C-PTSD. These elements include captivity, psychological fragmentation, the loss of a sense of safety, trust, and self-worth, as well as the tendency to be revictimized, and, most importantly, the loss of a coherent sense of self. It is this loss of a coherent sense of self, and the ensuing symptom profile, that most pointedly differentiates C-PTSD from PTSD.[8]

C-PTSD is characterized by pervasive insecure, often disorganized-type attachment.[9] DSM-IV dissociative disorders and PTSD do not include insecure attachment in their criteria. As a consequence of this aspect of C-PTSD, when some adults with C-PTSD become parents and confront their own children's attachment needs, they may have particular difficulty in responding sensitively especially to their infants' and young children's routine distress—such as during routine separations, despite these parents' best intentions and efforts.[10] And this difficulty in parenting may have adverse repercussions for their children's social and emotional development if parents with this condition and their children do not receive appropriate treatment.[11][12]

C-PTSD may have originated from observations of acute breakthrough of borderline personality (BPD) symptoms in trauma victims.[citation needed] This could be diagnosed as PTSD with borderline features, where the symptoms of BPD were not sufficient to sustain a (hypothetical) dual diagnosis of BPD and PTSD. C-PTSD may share some symptoms with both PTSD and BPD.[24] Judith Herman has suggested that C-PTSD be used in place of borderline.[25]

It may help to understand the intersection of attachment theory with C-PTSD and BPD if one reads the following opinion of Bessel A. van der Kolk together with an understanding drawn from a description of BPD:

Uncontrollable disruptions or distortions of attachment bonds precede the development of post-traumatic stress syndromes. People seek increased attachment in the face of danger. Adults, as well as children, may develop strong emotional ties with people who intermittently harass, beat, and, threaten them. The persistence of these attachment bonds leads to confusion of pain and love. Trauma can be repeated on behavioural, emotional, physiologic, and neuroendocrinologic levels. Repetition on these different levels causes a large variety of individual and social suffering. Anger directed against the self or others is always a central problem in the lives of people who have been violated and this is itself a repetitive re-enactment of real events from the past. Compulsive repetition of the trauma usually is an unconscious process that, although it may provide a temporary sense of mastery or even pleasure, ultimately perpetuates chronic feelings of helplessness and a subjective sense of being bad and out of control. Gaining control over one's current life, rather than repeating trauma in action, mood, or somatic states, is the goal of healing.[26][27]

Seeking increased attachment to people, especially to care-givers who inflict pain, confuses love and pain and increases the likelihood of a captivity like that of betrayal bonding,[28] and of disempowerment and lack of control. If the situation is perceived as life threatening then traumatic stress responses will likely arise and C-PTSD more likely diagnosed in a situation of insecure attachment than PTSD. At what point do the complex, reciprocal biopsychosocial responses to prolonged and extreme abuse evolve into BPD? This may depend on the timing, intensity and duration of the abuse and an as yet unidentified predisposition to BPD that results in a reset of the neuroendocrinologic levels of the body[citation needed] in a self-reinforcing pattern recognisable as the symptom cluster of BPD.

However, 25% of those diagnosed with BPD have no history of childhood neglect or abuse and individuals are six times as likely to develop BPD if they have a relative who was so diagnosed[citation needed] compared to those who do not. One conclusion is that there is a genetic predisposition to BPD unrelated to trauma. Researchers conducting a longitudinal investigation of identical twins found that "genetic factors play a major role in individual differences of borderline personality disorder features in Western society."[29][30]

Herman[39] believes recovery from C-PTSD occurs in three stages. These are: establishing safety, remembrance and mourning for what was lost, and reconnecting with community and more broadly, society. Herman believes recovery can only occur within a healing relationship and only if the survivor is empowered by that relationship.

Complex trauma means complex reactions and this leads to complex treatments. Hence treatment for C-PTSD requires a multi-modal approach.[40] It has been suggested that treatment for C-PTSD should differ from treatment for PTSD by focusing on problems that cause more functional impairment than the PTSD symptoms. These problems include emotional dysregulation, dissociation, and interpersonal problems.

tugon (imported) wrote: Sat Mar 19, 2011 7:31 pm Herman[39] believes recovery from C-PTSD occurs in three stages. These are: establishing safety, remembrance and mourning for what was lost, and reconnecting with community and more broadly, society. Herman believes recovery can only occur within a healing relationship and only if the survivor is empowered by that relationship.

I think in my life I have reestablished safety. Of course this is partly from being more private and judicious about who I let know where I live. Safety also stems from being more assertive and recognizing the early warnings that someone is not as they say. I also like myself more so I will protect me. Oddly since I am still troubled with dreams of being raped I find I am handling myself better in the dreams. Maybe my dreams are training me if anyone ever tries to revictimize me.

I remember what is lost but I do not know if I have mourned the loss. Oddly since the abuse started early and continued on for most of my life it had become the norm. I may not know what was truly lost.

I have never found that healing relationship

tugon (imported) wrote: Mon Sep 07, 2009 2:46 pm . My last psychologist told me I need

to find someone who is gentle and kind who can break the mental link I have with sex and violence. I have yet to feel empowered in a relationship. Can such a thing exist? My involvement with Brian and things not being what was promised was not empowering. My one attempt at dating after Brian was not empowering. I told him I have to take things very slow and less than an hour later he wanted to strip down and show me what he had. I bared my soul and not a word was heard or respected.

Now to the brighter side of life. I have attached quite strongly with my dog. I wonder even though not human if he will be therapy. I enjoy coming home to something that is glad to see me. Sure he may pee on my things but he does not piss on my feelings.

tugon (imported) wrote: Sat Mar 19, 2011 7:31 pm Anger directed against the self or others is always a central problem in the lives of people who have been violated and this is itself a repetitive re-enactment of real events from the past. Compulsive repetition of the trauma usually is an unconscious process that, although it may provide a temporary sense of mastery or even pleasure, ultimately perpetuates chronic feelings of helplessness and a subjective sense of being bad and out of control. Gaining control over one's current life, rather than repeating trauma in action, mood, or somatic states, is the goal of healing.[26][27]

I found this interesting since I often asked others to do to me what my abuser was threatening. I have posted before that I thought my mind had twisted to accept the abuse by finding a sexual outlet with others. I hated what he was doing to me but I enjoyed offering others the chance to harm me in much the same ways.

I understand feeling bad and out of control.