Late onset (yet always there)

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Terri,

Haven't heard from you in awhile and I'm getting concerned again. Are you okay Girl?

Please post up for us or give me a call when you have the chance...just to let us know you're still out there somewhere.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi Erica,

Thanks for checking up on me. Things are fine here. Still taking antibiotics. The abscesses have finished draining, thankfully. Was in major pain Friday until a big clog came out of one.

Continuing to pluck beard. The results are so satisfying. Got a magnifying mirror to make it easier to see my throat hairs.

How is GID angst these days? Still shooting for androgyny. And I ask myself, "Why is presentation so freakin' important?!" But I couldn't stand to cut my hair short now. And it's so nice not seeing beard shadow. When I consider toning down the external changes to average male appearance, I can sense myself wanting to isolate -- or die. (The latter is my all-purpose solution for impossible problems, if you haven't noticed already. )

When I come off the antibiotics, I'll have to decide [again] whether to take estrogen. At the moment, I'm feeling rather genderless. Have the antibiotics dried up whatever estrogen my body was producing? I still tear up watching dramas, but not feeling girlish.

So -- there you go: not much to report.

Oh...one more thing. Spoke with my wife a few nights ago. Told her I had written a story for our boy. It's about a Christian family around 200 A.D. in which the husband contracts leprosy. With Divine healing not coming, he must head off to the leper camp, thus separating him from wife and child. My wife's response was, "Don't make it personalized" (i.e., don't make it obvious it's an allegory for our situation). To make a long story short (sorry this isn't making sense): what I sensed in our conversation is our boy is going to grow up with the normal (i.e., sheltered) view of transsexualism, which puts us TS's into the freak category. Consequently, when he eventually learns the truth about me, he will respond with disgust. I don't have a good feeling about that.

That's all for now,

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Seems we have a bit of a purge going on. Removed my toenail polish. Shaved face to prevent further plucking for at least a few days. (The plucking gets obsessive after awhile.) Been sticking with boy underwear for a week or more. Won't re-start estrogen just yet. What's going on, you ask?

I'm learning how much time, pain, and effort is needed to feminize a male body. (Just talking hair-removal at this point.) Approaching it from a Christian viewpoint, it's hard to justify the inordinate expense/waste of time. However, I freely admit how contradictory/hypocritical my thoughts are in this area. I've wished for death many times in this ordeal, yet death is the biggest time waster of them all.

For the moment, it appears I'm headed for the loner path: just get a job, live alone, go to a conventional church and don't get too close to anyone. Stay closeted. At least I have family and Erica nearby. When I've contemplated this path before, depression doesn't wait very long before clobbering me.

Deep down, I think this purge is an effect from the antibiotics. Just been feeling genderless the past 10 days. HEY! Maybe antibiotics are a CURE for GID! Maybe GID is caused by BACTERIA! In any case, we'll see how I'm feeling, say a week from now. (Took last antibiotic pill this morning.) Actually considered taking progesterone again to maintain these effects until I recalled that P deadens emotions and consequently removes enjoyment from life. (Think 'PMS'. Progesterone shuts down estrogen production.)

If depression clobbers me again, then I'll have to conclude the time/pain/effort to feminize the body is a necessary medical expense.

Really starting to comprehend the rejection from my wife. Who cares if I start feeling male again and we get back together? Her 'conditional love' would last only as long as I'm feeling male. If GID came back, then I'd be on the shit-list again. Also been feeling let down by the church: they don't know how to handle GID. Can't blame them, really; GID is really hard to understand. Been praying for guidance because I DON'T KNOW what I should do. What's best: the time/effort necessary for an androgynous appearance, or a path of relative isolation?

Here's a bit of honesty: I'm not immune to childish feelings. At times, I feel like playing the man so that my wife will feel like she should take me back. But I'd tell her, "I'm still not feeling male inside." Seems like what would fuel my ability to remain in male-mode would be the hurt/anger I've felt over her rejection. I know -- the feelings aren't very Christian. I'll work on it.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

UNSENT LETTERS

There are things I write to my spouse which never get mailed. Here's one from Oct. 7th:

I fear for the day when [our boy] hears the truth and says, "Is that all? Is that why Daddy wasn't there?"

Is that why Daddy's chair was always empty, always bare?

Is that why Daddy didn't see me growing up?

Because he liked his hair a bit long?

His toenails painted, or a teal nightgown?

My friends, they wouldn't have seen,

So it really wouldn't have been,

All that big a matter.

He didn't do all he should have done:

No one pushed me to ride my bike,

And he didn't make a swimmer out of me.

Discipline was not his forte -- is that why he was gone?

We rarely played catch, and barely batted ball.

Football? Yes, if I asked him, we did play in the fall.

And good times had we plenty:

Water rockets squirting high, BB's blasting soda cans,

Errands in the truck, pretending we were fliers,

In hot pursuit of Japanese.

Burgers at Hardee's, with notebook, too,

For Wally and Longnut, those well-beloved two.

You ask me, "Was it worth it?" to have him not around?

So that I could live a "perfect" life,

Uncluttered by realities that others stumble through.

Some friends lacked fathers, and that gave us a bond.

But I envied those who still had their fathers home.

I wondered, "Why did he leave?"

Did he find a new mommy? Did he stop loving mine?

Just what was so appealing, he gave us so little time?

It's just as well, I hate him now.

I hate him for staying away all those years.

Didn't he know we'd love him, a little strange he be?

So that's why Daddy's chair was always empty, always bare.

He didn't think we could love him.

* * *

Terri

[plix (imported)]

Don't worry about a little instability during these present times. Keep your eyes on where you want to be and what will truly make you happy. There are options other than transition, if you want to continue further exploration.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Terri,

I'm getting concerned about you again. Your latest posts from last week would indicate that you're going through a bit of depression again, coupled with the fact that you haven't posted up in over a week has me worried.

Please post to let us know you're okay. If you don't....I'm going to call you tonight....just to check on you.

I get worried when I don't hear from you Girl.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

(Thanks, Erica, for your concern. You can still call me tonight!)

Haven't had much to report. Gender issues are mild at present with no depression. Current plans are for something in the "soft-male to androgynous" category. Still plucking beard and chest happily, and letting hair grow out. Haven't restarted estrogen but am thinking a 1mg/day dose would make my body happy. (You know, osteoporosis prevention, that sort of thing.)

With the GID moderating somewhat, been wondering if my GID arose from emotional trauma in my marriage. Is time slowly healing the wound? Recall, the gender shift occurred after wife made herself unavailable in the bedroom. I respected her lack of interest and came to loathe the stubbornness of male desire. Factoring in other things, I believe I became psychologically emasculated.

Is the present path a good choice? Not necessarily. I will tend to be a loner aside from people/places where I'm "out." Realized I couldn't let people at a conservative church get to know me well; don't want to experience rejection again like I did down South. So do I go to a church which welcomes all? DO I THINK TOO MUCH OR WHAT??!

Had my first job interview and it looks very promising. Was scared afterward: "I'll have to produce and carry responsibility regardless of GID and emotional instability. Don't want to fail this time." My self-esteem and confidence have been low over the last few months.

Terri

[plix (imported)]

It's great to hear from you again - it does get concerning when you go a long time without letting anyone know how you are

I've said this before, but don't be pressured into a full transition if that option is not right for you. It's right for very few, and those who seem to have the most success with it have felt extreme GID from very early childhood that has always affected their lives with them knowing exactly what the problem was.

If someone pursues full transition and it is not right for them, only trouble will be ahead. I am concerned about the statement you made regarding the gender shift happening only when your wife was unavailable in the bedroom.

I now recognize my belief that I wanted to be female was caused by a combination of depression, isolation, always being more in touch with my feminine side than most males, and the stumbling upon a TG website.

Think long and hard about this before you go any further. I am not saying you are not TG, but I am saying you have made some concerning statements in your last post that require thorough examination.

That being said, I am still looking forward to hearing about that spiritual turmoil - I'd love to get a call from you

Also, best wishes for the job!

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

The GID is still moderate, and life is improving. Actually had happy times last night and today. The happy time this afternoon manifested itself as intermittent dancing/skipping along the sidewalk while singing a tune to myself.

Realized recently that I've always had an appreciation for lesbian sex: lovemaking unmarred by a male presence. Lets me see how screwed up I am genderwise. Guess I have a low opinion of my birth sex.

Spent a long time people-watching today. Mainly paid attention to women's hairstyles, wondering what sort of styles I should try as my hair lengthens. Still not attracted to anyone of either sex but would be flattered if either sex showed interest in me.

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Terri,

I'm so glad to see that your overall mental state is improving. There is nothing worse in the world than living with depression. I've been there way too much myself in the past.

The interesting thing is that you speak of your GID moderating, yet you're observing and thinking about female hair styles. Very curious and very interesting!

Have you heard back from the company you interviewed with last week? I was just wondering.

I'm looking forward to attending church with you tonight and having a bite to eat after wards. Stay in that "good place" girl. After everything you've been through....you deserve it!