You look great Carrie...Love your eyebrows...soft arms..shapely legs...Soon to be a yummy...Smooches Jackie

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 25, 2013 9:58 pm OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH THREE, DAY TWENTY-SEVEN:

Man... I had a rough day today. And tonight was the absolute roughest I've ever had in terms of whether I'm sure what I'm doing is really what I want or not.

Don't get me wrong, I've had doubts before. But usually I realize that these doubts are just me being a coward, being afraid of how other people will perceive me once I have actually transitioned. Until now, that was pretty much the only source of my doubts, and I was always able to brush them off because I realized that they had nothing to do with what I myself wanted, they were just based on social fear, which I was not going to let control me and keep me from getting what I wanted.

But tonight, for the first time, I had a genuine doubt that was not just about whether others with their social prejudices wanted me to transition or not, it genuinely was the first time that I've ever doubted whether I want to transition or not. And you know what triggered it? It was something absolutely horrifically scary to me, something that I NEVER expected that I would experience.

I've lost myself.

My sense of self, my sense of just what makes me me, I've now completely lost it.

Let me explain. Pretty much EVERYTHING about the self that I've always known, the self that I've always identified myself as, was based around gender dysphoria. Based around finding ways to subtly express it, based around ways to indulge the fantasies, and based around ways to cover up the pain. EVERY single one of my old hobbies, the things that I used to be able to say were the things I loved doing, from poker to video games to roller coasters to writing, were all just escapes. They were things that I used to take my mind off of my gender issues, and pass the time in a little personal bubble where I didn't have to worry about it. For so long, my self-image was about just accepting the way that I was, because I was stuck with it. My religious beliefs were based around how God "cured me," and about trying to find new reasons every day to convince myself to keep following God and to not follow through with my "unholy" desires. Seriously. My ENTIRE life was about trying to get over my gender dysphoria. My entire concept of self was based around these things.

A few days ago, though, I started realizing something... something that should be the biggest joy of my life, and yet ended up being scary as hell. You know what I realized? I'm cured. I am not feeling gender dysphoria anymore. At all. I don't have to dream about what it would be like to be a girl anymore, because hell, now I can just do it in real life whenever I want to. I don't have to feel bad about my hairy body, and thick skin, and sex drive anymore, because those are all gone. I wake up every single morning, look in the mirror, and it actually makes me happy instead of depressed. I don't have to y

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Thu Feb 07, 2013 6:54 pm earn and pine for actual emotions now,

because I have them. F[q

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 22, 2013 8:48 pm uote="cheetaking243 (imported)" t

ime=1357730460]
or the first time in my entire life, I
[/quote]
am actually happy with who I am. Seriously. My dysphoria is gone. Completely.

So the question is, what the hell do I do now? My ENTIRE life, my entire concept of self was based around this dysphoria. And now that it's gone, I don't even know who I am anymore. Because that self that I have always known, whose hobbies all revolved around finding ways to ignore my gender issues, he's gone. I don't need those things anymore, nor even enjoy them, because the core reason why I did them in the first place is suddenly gone. And suddenly, I don't know who I am anymore. EVERYTHING that I used to use as a way to identify myself, to place myself amongst the masses of humanity and say "yes, this is me, this is what I like and this is how I act and this is what gets me through the day," now I can't say those things anymore, because they aren't who I am, and what I like, and how I act anymore. And as such, I have completely lost myself. I don't have a self identity anymore.

I REALLY felt down tonight. And it's because of this exact reason. I felt like a lost little kitten or something, so far away from home, in some new place that seems unfamiliar and scary, and like all the things that I have ever known, the things that I have always recognized as being "home," they're not there anymore.

So tonight I genuinely started questioning whether this really was what I wanted or not. On the one hand, I have reached my goal. I'm cured. I seriously do not feel gender dysphoria anymore. But on the other hand, now that it's gone, I'm realizing just how important that gender dysphoria was to my concept of self, and to my very self-identity.

It really feels like I'm standing at a crossroads right now. Down one road is the path that I have always known. It's a cozy place where, even though it is often painful and uncomfortable, I know who I am, and I know what makes me me. Down the other road is a completely new path, one where I have no idea where it will lead me, and one where every single new step will be into a life that I have never even dreamed that I would experience before.

On the one side is my old self... Charlie. A self that knows who he is because he's been that way for the entire 14 years of his adult life, plus all of the experiences that he had as a kid, and plus all the ways he's learned how to act and behave, and who has a lifetime of revelations about where he can find purpose and what makes him tick.

On the other side is my new self... Carrie. A self that, for all practical purposes, is a newborn baby. She will have to learn to do EVERYTHING new again... how to talk, how to walk, how to act, how to behave, how to make friends and carve out her own niche in the social roles of life, and she has completely no idea where her purpose lies, or what makes her tick, or even just who she is. Because she has only been alive for a grand total of about a week.

I really don't feel like this is a "transition" anymore, where the only thing that changes is my appearance and my gender. I feel like this is a matter of life and death. Because before this started, my entire life was based around my gender dysphoria. And this new life where it is actually gone, actually cured, and I actually have the chance to live my life with a clear mind, free to do what I want instead of obsessing over it all the time, has NEVER existed before. And I don't know who I am yet in this new reality. So really, this is a matter of life and death... a matter of one life dying and a completely new life beginning.

Basically, my choices are as follows... right now, I'm basically dead. It's like a near-death experience. And God is giving me the option. I can either go back to the life that I just left, which, although it was often painful, is a self that I know, and a self that I'm familiar with, and a self that has already learned who he is. Or I can leave that life behind. Let that self die, and he will never come back, and I will be reborn as a girl. It will be a completely new self, one that I have never experienced before, and one who will have to go through all the learning steps of life all over again, all the steps of learning who she is and carving out a self-identity for herself.

That is the decision that I'm facing.

And as much as I want to say "Just call me Carrie!" and leap into this new life of total uncertainty with open arms, it's a harder reality to face than I thought it would be. I never expected that I would have to lose myself in order to have a chance at finding myself. And this new life, and this new state of mind, is downright scary. Quite ironic that what I always prayed for in high school was that I could just be reborn as a girl. And now that that opportunity really is here, I'm not so sure anymore.

Anyway, that's all I have. It was a very long night of thinking.

I need to do some more pondering.

(And my God, I am suddenly able to do a LOT of pondering. Without my gender issues or my sex-drive clogging up my mind anymore, my mind just feels almost completely clear. I have had SO many revelations over the last few days, and done so much thinking, it's crazy. So I may not know who Carrie is just yet, or what her goals in life are, but I must say, she is one hell of a thinker, and she sure does come up with some truly mind-blowing revelations when she thinks about them enough.)

Anyway, that's it. Just wanted to share this train of thought while it's still fresh in my mind.

Till next time!

-Carrie

Cheetaking243, let me be the first to shake your hand. All these thoughts you are having are very real, and it’s quite relieving to see you’ve taken the time to weigh everything up.

Carrie has clearly been your source of inspiration. Everyone here can see the improvements you’ve made for yourself so that she might be revealed, but even if it’s not yet time you have also improved Charlie to a point where he can also be happy. She doesn’t have to leave you, she will still be there to help you express your thoughts and take joy in ways you never thought before.

Although you have made significant changes to yourself in many respects, you haven’t done anything permanent yet. So until you manage to resolve these uncertainties of who should live and die, ideas of surgery should be seriously placed on hold and considered without doubt.

I wish you luck on whatever path you decide to take.

Carrie do you want to live with pain for rest of life?, I know your deeply tied to you religious beliefs and you know you can believe all you want and thats ok I respect you there.

For me at least the inactions and literal stagnation of organized faith have for many yrs held me back. Religion is a construct made by man to find easy answers to the unanswered. It provides a false sense of comfort for those who are afraid of the exploring the unknown.

This leaves religion exposed as a mechnism of control by those who are craftier to take control over you.

Religion = blind obedience

spirituality = free mind

let your mind free, detach yourself from what others want from you, take a walk outside to your nearest strip mall. Look at every bored person which in essence are repeating their actions on a daily basis

This is what a strictly obedient society wants from you. Shut up , take it, don't like it = too bad.

I think a life of mindless servitude for others is a form of hell and enslavement thats serve those of higher standing and corrupting psitions. Iv'e personally had enough of it.

You can still question about a higher purpose, whether god exists or not...........while living your life adhering to perform good.........not what others tell you is good.

Set your mind free and explore the unknown. You only live once. You don't know whether you'll live after you die, whether a soul exists or not, etc....

There has never been quantitative proof of this yet . So why bother wasting the life you want to pursue away?

Its bc your afraid. Fear has always been the goal of organized religion. However today more and more people are catching on to this artificial construct. It's why the catholic church no longer has the grip it use to hold on society. People has smartened up.

I belive your smart not to fall for the dogma and deception.

And from previous conversations with you carrie your right , I have lots to work around the organized indoctrination of false values that were taught to me as a child. Takes a lot of will power and a brain to filter out all the crud taught to me by brainwashed folk.

Thought such as omg you wont pass, you have masucline feautures, god will be angry, yout commiting sin (laughs i love this one), etc, etc,,,,

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 25, 2013 9:58 pm OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH THREE, DAY TWENTY-EIGHT:

So, today I've done a LOT more thinking on this matter, (big surprise, right? Man, I do a lot of thinking nowadays. :p) And I think I understand a bit better just what I need.

I've always felt socially disconnected, at least since high school or so. And yet because of my gender issues, I never did anything about this, because so much of my brain energy was wasted on trying to cope with my dysphoria, so I never had the energy to get to know and interact with other people, and I really became a loner over the years.

Well, now I think I've realized what I need. I need friends. Good friends, close friends that I can share life with. What matters to me now has no longer become what I'm doing, but rather who I'm doing it with. I've discovered that I enjoy spending time with Jenny WAY more than I used to, and that whenever I do anything with her, I really do feel happy, even if the actual thing that we're doing isn't normally something that I would like. And when I was doing some internet searches for things that girls can do for fun, trying to figure out what I could do to start living my new life,

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Sun Jan 13, 2013 11:25 pm almost all of the things that I f

ound seemed to revolve around spending time with friends... a resource that I pretty much do not have aside from Jenny. (Seriously. She is my ONLY good friend up here.)

And while I really don't feel like the same material things that I have always liked bring me any sense of true joy anymore... video games, watching movies, sitting around and reading, going to the movies or amusement parks by myself, and honestly pretty much anything by myself, those all just seem "meh... that really doesn't sound like much fun." But the prospect of going out and meeting people, and getting involved with their lives, and going to actual social events, and actually talking to people, and sharing true personal connections... MAN, that felt good when I thought about it, and felt like it would be SO enjoyable and life-fulfilling.

I think that's where the keys to my new life lie. In social connection. In getting to know people, and taking personal interest in their work, and asking questions, and then hopefully in forming personal connections. That's the key. I need to go out and do stuff. I need to go to those writers' meetings and theater workshops, and actually get involved instead of just sitting and watching... really get to know some of the people. (I love artistic people... they're the group [q

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 05, 2013 2:10 am uote="cheetaking243 (imported)"

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that I've always gotten along with the best.
[/quote]
)

And when I thought about this, I realized that transitioning would give me, for the first time in my entire adult life, a chance to have an actual social life, and a chance to have the kind of friendships that I've always wished I could have. Because you know what I want? I want girlfriends! I want that deep, socially-connected kind of connection that women make with each-other, where they can go do things together, and talk together, and

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Sat Jan 26, 2013 8:25 am experience life together, and sh

are their lives with each-other. And I've wished that I could have this kind of friendship for pretty much my entire life. And guess what? Becoming a girl, I really can, for the first time ever, have that kind of female friendship with that feeling of commonality. I can actually get close to other women, and take personal interest in their work, and it won't be forced to have this distance that I've always been forced to put up with because of the whole different-genders thing, despite having always understood and interacted with women WAY better than with men. And men simply do NOT make these kinds of friendships. When guys go do things together, they don't really do them TOGETHER, really experiencing it as two people, they just happen to be occupying the same general region doing the same activity. There's just not that same social connection. I've always felt this distance, always loathed it, and always felt like the few friendships that I had just weren't the kinds of friendships that I wished I could have. And again, as a guy, when you're doing things with friends, the focus isn't on the friends, the focus is on the things... the game that you're playing, or the movie that you're watching, and it's not about having a good time together, it's just about the technicality of having another person to play the game with. There's not as much laughing, or joking, or silly personal stories, or social connection. But there tends to be a lot more debating, opinions, bragging, and bouncing one's own ideas around. And again, I have ALWAYS wished for that female connection instead of the male connection. I really do not "get" men socially, and have never been able to feel the same sense of commonality with them as I alw

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 05, 2013 2:10 am ays have with women.

Well, guess w

hat? This transition has given me, for the first time, a desire to have a social life. I really believe that that is where my future lies. I'm not a lone wolf anymore, I want to be part of a pack. When I'm doing things, and when I'm thinking about things, I don't just want to be doing them and thinking about them on my own, I want to share them with people. I want to share in others' lives, and have a chance for them to share in mine as well. And [quo

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 22, 2013 8:48 pm te="cheetaking243 (imported)" tim

e=1358166960]
a future as a woman would indeed give me
[/quote]
the chance for this, for the first time in my entire life. And MAN, is that ever a happy thought!

I've been rereading some of the posts that I made way back in the old days, while I was still just a confused guy thinking about maybe doing a hormone trial, reading back into the reasons why I did it in the first place, and the entry that I did about the rehearsal dinner for my friend Sean's wedding REALLY reminded me about this social aspect. All night, I was surrounded by guys my own age. And they were dicking around, drinking, making rude jokes, and in general doing that "bro" behavior that guys do. And at the same time, the girls were playing with the kids, talking together, really asking each-other how things were going, and enjoying the chances for those close social connections. And man, did I EVER feel out of place that night. Never in my life had I felt more like I wished I was a girl than during that night.

So, basically, I've been filled with new vim and vigor about transition. I am absolutely sure that I want to keep goi

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 22, 2013 8:48 pm ng forward, because I've reali

zed that the chance that I have before me is one that really could truly make me truly happy for the first time in my life. And as such, I have a new goal in life. Social acceptance. I want to be socially accepted as a woman. I want to be able to be around other women and accepted as one of them, and able to share in the same kind of friendships and the same kind of social groups and discussions as any other woman would. Yes. For the first time ever, I want a social life. That is what would truly make me happy. Not going back to my hermit days where I spent every hour of every day sitting in my own little cave playing poker and video games because they were the only things that I had. No. Going forward, going into a life where I am actually able to talk to people, and actually able to make friends, and actually able to feel like a normal human being without problems constantly weighing down my life. It's time to say goodbye to that old self, and embrace the new.

That's all I have to say for today. And once again, I am back to feeling VERY happy, realizing just how significant of a change this is, and feeling like I need to pinch myself because the prospects are so simply amazing, and things that I had just assumed would never be fixed, are actually being fixed. I have loathed my lack of a social life for years, and now for the first time I really feel like I can actually have one.

I love that prospect, and I really do think that is where the keys to my new self are. And I'm really excited to finally be able to explore it!

Yes, indeed! Time to get out there, for the first time ever, and actually experience life and experience the world!

-Carrie

ヽ（　＾＾）人（＾＾　）ノ

(Side note: this does NOT mean that I am done thinking about this. Needless to say, this is by far the most important decision that I will make in my entire life. So rushing into any decision here is not what I need. I really do need time to think about ALL of the different aspects of this.)

Hey Carrie..You are in transition..That means change. You're really somewhere in the middle, and on the right path, it seems to me..You look great...There is further change ahead...Just go with it..Have fun...You're pretty...Love yourself....Soon enough, others will too...smooches Jackie

Ha! So I was just randomly browsing around over on Susan's transgender board, just randomly looking at other people's posts, and a topic by a late-transitioner came up about what is a common experience among them... going on and off HRT several times before finally deciding to go the whole way. And some of the things that they said are things that sound like EXACTLY what I'm going through right now. And it was at exactly the same mark that I'm at, the 3-month mark. This one that I'm re-posting here was especially scary:

Quote:

"I've been on/off HRT a few times in my life. At 56 I am on it again. The biggest benefit I got has always been the calming. Low dose for several months always helped in a way to reset my brain. Also after a few months, as I often do, I do the "And NOW what?", freak out."

So it's VERY good to know that this feeling is quite common. And it's also once again making me think, what would happen if I decided to stop? End up like the late transitioners? Realize after a while exactly why I started it in the first place, and constantly go off and on it and miss my opportunity and end up waiting until my 50's to get serious about it? HELL NO!!! It may be scary, but I'm becoming more and more convinced that that's all this is... fear of the unknown. But the more I think about it, the more I believe that what lies ahead truly will be better in every way that what I left behind in order to get it.

I also talked to my mom earlier today, and told her what was going on with this "rebirth" mindset, and her take on it was "wow, that's amazing! I'd give anything to feel like that... to have a chance to start a new life and really discover myself again, and try a bunch of new things out. Maybe it's just because I'm 60, so I'm jealous of that youthful opportunity, but I really wish I could do something like that. Go for it, bud! It sounds like a golden opportunity!"

So yeah... again, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to go for it all. And yes, it is a VERY scary thought. I'm already reaching the point of androgyny physically. Within the next few months, I'm going to reach the point where I can't hide it anymore, and where I will start to look awkward as a guy. And once I reach that point, I won't have a choice anymore, I'll pretty much have no choice but to transition. Again, a scary thought. But looking beyond the fear and looking to the life that I really might have afterward, it really does make it feel like it's worth the risk.

Anyway, just wanted to share that.

There is a point that needs to be made. We trans can often be like one of those dumb-blond cheerleaders in high school, whose lives revolve around boys and dating and going steady and getting engaged and planning the perfect wedding. After that perfect wedding you are confronted with "what now?" After you achieve your heart's desire, what is left to to amuse yourself.

My experience is typical. I have been suicidal at least since I was twelve, suffered from depression, had self esteem issues,failures in relationships and career, etc. etc. All my life I ascribed these problems to being trans, with no possibility (I thought) of transitioning and having to live a lie and hide myself from everyone, particularily my wife. After the end of my marriage, I decided to starve myself to death. Having nothing to lose I sent off for mail order hormones, (thank you Eunuch Archive and Anne Lawrence for the info) and transitioned. I never announced the fact to anyone, just started changing. Oddly enough I found transition was possible, (though part of the reason was I was of an age where even bio-women begin to be invisible, and there are times that, as a woman you want to be visible) I began living as a woman and struck a bargain w/ myself, to stay the death sentence so long as I was useful. I expected transitioning to be a "magic bullet" that by itself would "cure" me. I was hugely disappointed to find that, though I am much happier as a woman, and would not consider de-transitioning, yet I was still depressed, was no better at romance, still spent too many hours of too many days fantasizing about pulling the trigger.

Running support groups I heard similar stories again and again. Trans women centering their lives around transitioning expecting it to magically solve all their problems and finding afterward that they still have many of the same problems, and finding it has made other problems such as relationship w/ family and friends, employment, housing, etc. much worse. We would joke about the group buying anti-depressants by the truckload.

What I am trying to say it, as you move towards transition, don't put all your problems off till afterwards. You are usually paying a therapist for gender letters; use that time to discuss your other problems and a strategy to overcome them. Find a social group you can be yourself with. Remember women are expected to be more socially skilled than men. This can be a lot easier in a city with a large LGBT presence. As you go from GRAM (generally recognized as male) to GRAF (generally recognized as female) unless you are a one in a thousand (like Andrej Pejic, https://www.google.com/search?q=Andrej+ ... 79&bih=463) you are going to go through a period where you will face some ridicule and laughter at your expense. Learn to laugh at them. If you blow up and get angry you are just going to be even more an object of ridicule. And laughter is a more effective defense than anger and usually safer. And a quick, warm smile goes a long way to make you more passable.

Transward

I dont expect transition to solve my issues, and your correct tranward it can amplify them given the circumstances.

I will admit I'm tired of living a lie fabricated by everyone elses expectations for me.

Much like how chinese parents arrage for their childrens weddings, I feel trapped in my surroundings with the binary status quo.

I can show you pics of myself as a kid sitting in a corner eating his jam sandwich. I was kinda an oddball, hung out withsome of the daring rebelious boyish girls and squuemish nerdy guys.(while i witnessed it was the other way around with other guys) Things were kinda much simpler when your kid. Come puberty and boom. tons of male centred and female girly girl antic bs comes into play. I mean it's too much. Its hard when you have mixed boyish and girl feelings. A giant alphabet soup of fuck

I really don't have that cheeleader or jock mentality of dealing with situations.

That is such narrow minded linear concept for me.

I prefer a more spontaneous sinuisodal wave pattern.

And while I do worry about passing its more about wanting to staying butch stealth more than anything. Im not expecting to be a catwalk for a runway (pass go, collect $200, land on comunity chest ....you have won a ticket to a beauty pageant etc...., etc....)

Sorry but life isn't that easy.

I want to pass well to be steath to avoid confrontation from transphobic and homophobic assholes. that is it.

What scares me is the power of social media these days such as facebook and the help of the internet. More douchebags these days are being educated on what are primary characteristics of distinguishing a second type woman from a genetically real woman that its scary.

You have to admit transward the expectations to reach a safe steath zone have been raised.

People now catch on with the large hands, brow bossing, backwards sloping foreheads, index fingers etc....

Thats the worry, thats why trans folk get depressed and turn to suicide when theres no where left to hide.

The proper sequential order should be GRAM>>>>>androgyne>>>>>GRAF.

In my case id feel perfectly at ease somewhere between androgyne and GRAF.

And living in a city thats tolerant and has a huge lgbt comunity is a must.

definetly will be moving to ontario in neartime future or british colombia if i can someday afford it.

Oh yeah transward I remember Andrej Pejic, he starred in a androgynous Toyota comercial and pretty much fooled everyone. Sandly this commercial was banned but it was a step in the right direction P

I really do love Andrej Pejic's look. Hopefully late 20's I can tweak my look surgically to achieve a improved femenine appeal. Hrt will bring me close hpefully but a good rhinoplasty and chin fat removal will do the trick.(fat accumalates way to easy in chin. it's a genetic predisposition even if you are thin as a toothpick)

Still not to sure about the forehead,although looks very smoothlike from front im worried about a slight slant from sideways (very tiny) . again surgery.

Good thing I have no brow bossing

But you can see my paranoia now