Reading through your last few days, hon, you are suffering what we all suffer. I swear it is a total commonality among TS to feel worthless. But then, when you have no social identity you can rely upon, yeah, it's easy to feel worthless, useless, meaningless, etc. It's just another form of pride actually to feel as though others deserve resources that you need more than you do.

Also, this issue about your wife, why do you feel it necessary to tell her you are contemplating suicide? Is that going to help anything, or just hurt her intentionally?

The path you are on is HARD...and it's hard enough as it is to not hurt people with what you engage in. Be strong, be cautious what you share with whom (information is a powerful weapon) and never quit. Trust me, sweetie, I wanted to quit lots, but somehow continue on.

On to faith. WHY are you equating your transition with the cessation of your faith walk? I don't get it. You reminisce about how great it was to serve God and do missions and walk the walk of Jesus, to have a Christian marriage, etc...like it has to STOP now that you chose to unify your spirit with your body. I do NOT concur with that reasoning. I believe you need to be looking forward to far GREATER things from God and your relationship with Him!

Truth is, the dynamics of iniquity, I believe entirely, can twist the flesh so badly straight from the twisting of the spirit so that a girl's spirit is born in a boy's body and vice versa. Iniquity differs from sin as it is the genetics of sin, the predisposition towards a certain type of sin, or the twisting of your spiritual DNA. Don't abandon your faith thinking your transition betrays it...or that your faith is a hindrance to your transition. What people say is not what God says. Please remember that, sweetie. Don't hurt yourself....rememebr your worth through God and Jesus Christ, and YES!!! He DOES still love you with all His heart.

::

(bump, to let you know I'm still around. My diary entries for the past two days are just a bit too emotional and not worth posting.)

Hi all,

Doing better today. It's been a bad week. Even started praying for death again. Silly me -- I was trying to fight transition again.

Thanks for your call last night, Erica.

Something Mom said which rubs me the wrong way: "You get to have your fun now, while your wife and child suffer." Hmm...let's see: I prefer death over transition. If transition is fun and I prefer death to transition, that means death must be pretty fun, too -- right?

One of the continuing bright spots in my awful week was how the Lord encouraged me with a particular song: "Child of the Father" by Cheri Keaggy. Often when I was down, the tune started playing in my mind. The whole song is meaningful, not just the title. Here are some of the lyrics (edited):

I am a child of the Father.

It means I'm loved and I'm spoken for,

It means I'm wealthy in heavenly things,

It means I'm redeemed and forgiven,

It means I'm holy and blameless and free,

It means I'm Yours forever.

The blessings that are mine overwhelm me all the time.

And I ask myself: Is transition okay with the Lord? Well, how does my conscience feel when I take hormones, remove body hair, wear plain women's underwear or a nightgown, or purchase make-up? Conscience feels fine. If transition weren't okay with the Lord, I think He would have bothered my conscience by now.

No, my problems with transition are more practical: Don't want to go to all that trouble, don't want to antagonize people, don't look forward to awkwardness on the job, don't want to live under the tyranny of "passing."

The Lord brought another tune to mind this week, "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner. When I looked up the words, this passage brought tears:

Now this mountain I must climb (transition?),

Feels like the world upon my shoulders. (sure does!)

...

In my life there's been heartache and pain,

I don't know if I can face it again.

Can't stop now, I've travelled so far, to change this lonely life.

Yes, transition is a deliberate move away from loneliness. The alternative is withdrawal, the loner's path. That's where I was headed this past week. Even wanted to withdraw from family. How healthy is that?

GENDER IDENTITY

Love this quote from Jan Morris, an MtF who transitioned in 1973:

I had once surmised that [the desire to be female] might be an impulse common to all male persons. Though friends of both sexes vehemently deny it, it still seems to me only common sense to wish to be a woman rather than a man -- or if not common sense, at least good taste.

I understand what Jan is saying. Yes, the preference to be female seems like a no-brainer. But I guess that just shows the difference in thinking between TS's and gender-content folks. Good taste? Yes, I think taste/politeness is involved. For one thing, listen to TS's talk about the difference between men's and women's restrooms.

A sad thing: my cross-gendering could have been a blessing to in-laws and others back home. Cross-gendered people are able to see things from both sides and can offer useful insights for understanding between the sexes. We even have an elevated status in some cultures as a result. Alas, gender adepts are not appreciated in the South.

(Hmm...talkative today.)

Last night, examined the progression of my self-diagnosis:

1. Male who was seriously annoyed with perverted appetites/thoughts and sought cure via homebrew aversion therapy.

(*BOOM!* Spontaneous gender shift occurred.)

2. Male who, along with issues above, wanted to be a female. Sought cure via castration.

3. Castrated male who, although perverted appetites were gone, still wanted to be female and now even felt female. Still sought cure.

4. After stacking up evidence, acknowledged transgendering. Cure didn't seem likely. Sought to understand the situation.

5. After even longer search, realized female gender identity. Situation now understood. Stopped seeking cure, started seeking practical measures for relief.

Note that "transgendered" isn't necessarily the same as having a cross-gender identity. The DSM-IV only requires that a patient desire to be the opposite sex, whereas a cross-gender identity means one is the opposite sex inside. Desires, if improper, should be struggled against. But in the case of cross-gendering, it is no longer "desire" and it is no longer "struggle" but all-out war for survival. Which sex should win: the inner or outer?

* * *

Erica,

Yes, the downer conversation with my wife was after we had lunch on Saturday.

By the way: Noticed the physical effects of E stopped when I went down to 1mg/day. Also couldn't tell for sure whether the mental effects were still around. So made a deliberate decision to go back to 2mg/day.

* * *

Unmasked,

Mentioning my thoughts of suicide to my wife was not an attempt to hurt her. No, not at all. I was simply laying things out on the table: her treatment of my TS condition as morally wrong, and of my failed struggle against it as capitulation, make me want to "solve" the problem for her by exiting. That's all I can offer to please her. (She joined in prayers for my death before I came out to family.) She can be manipulative, and her behavior smacks of "tough love." Regardless whether her toughness is intentional or not, I had to exercise self-defense by requesting brief, business-only conversations and stated the reason why.

As for faith: No, I've not giving it up. God is the most important thing/person to me. But the opportunities I once had have been taken away because of GID. I was celebrating what was accomplished. Not sure what the future holds, but looks bleak enough: failed marriage, loss of son.

Terri

Hi Terri,

From you most recent post, it would appear that you're doing a little better yesterday and I'm glad to see your decision on the estrogen. Missed those little physical side effects eh?

Hang in there Girl. As you and I have discussed, transition is a difficult thing, at best, to accomplish. It takes that certain personality that we talked about and you're going to have to be tough Girl.

Don't worry too much about the parents. At least yours are still talking to you!

Hi all,



DID YOU KNOW? This diary is one year old today! I've been blabbing about my deepest, most personal problems on the internet for a full year.

Woke up today feeling GREAT! Been so long since I felt this good.

So -- why am I feeling so good? Not sure. Maybe I'm closer to reaching a peace with GID. Current plans regarding transition: feminize the body (take hormones, grow long hair, remove body hair, remove beard), train voice, and start using my androgynous middle name (Terry) for everything. Stop short of full transition: No 'F' on driver's license and no female presentation at work; use female presentation only on occasion. SRS? Not going to worry about that for now, although inexpensive surgery in Thailand would probably be nice at some point.

Feeling very comfortable with the above plans. Essentially aiming for androgyny. Since my gender identity isn't completely stable, androgyny may be a happy medium. Kate Bornstein, author of Gender Outlaw, said one of her reasons for transition was to gain a stable gender identity. Although she gained other benefits from transition, a stable gender identity wasn't one of them.

Another reason those plans are comfortable is my social life as an "out" TS has been acceptable so far.

Been removing chest hair with Emjoi epilator. PAINFUL. Legs were relatively painless.

Started plucking beard last night. The pain is outweighed by the satisfaction at seeing the really thick/dark hairs come out. Why not wait for electrolysis? I have LOTS of time but little money. Maybe I'm too optimistic, but hoping for no more than 80% regrowth, with new hairs being thinner/lighter. One male on the internet said it took 12 hours over two days to pluck his. Another said he had his waxed, and now uses an epilator to maintain it. Can't imagine the pain of waxing one's beard(!): While plucking hairs on the tip of the chin, I hear/feel a scrunching noise like when a nail is removed from wood. In any case, regrown hairs will be easier to remove.

The beard-plucking may explain my good mood. Or maybe I've hit the right comfort level by thinking about stopping short of full transition . Fulltime is scary to contemplate. And I'm not sure it's entirely appropriate when I still have urges to ride shopping buggies in the parking lot like an adolescent. Maybe it's knowing that boobies are on the way.

What about wife and son? Had an amiable chat with wife Sunday night. She would take me back only if I "felt male" again. That's not going to happen; testosterone would be necessary. If I've had these leanings to the feminine side all my life, how am I going to start feeling male?

Toying with a hypothesis for the "late-transitioner" phenomenon: I liken it to the ocean tide. Before the tide comes in, the beach is clean (pre-puberty). Then the tide comes in (testosterone), and things are okay -- as long as everything is awash in testosterone. But as the tide goes out (i.e., T-levels dip at midlife), ugly seaweed is left on the beach. My point: Things which T brought and made tolerable ain't so tolerable once T starts ebbing away. Just a thought.

Terri

I am highly supportive of these "diaries," yours and Philip's in particular. They are a wonderful means of exploring our own minds and feelings, yet allowing for others to interact with it. More than anything, they are highly instructive, and in many ways, let folks know what they can expect "down the road." Philip's thread, in particular, has drawn more traffic than any other on this board ever, so far as I can tell. Hopefully its instructive and informative benefit is equal to its viewership. Thanks both of you.

K

Hi Terri,

A very happy first anniversary on E.A. to you Girl. I have been an avid reader of your posts since joining the community last December and have shared in both your joys of discovery and your pain.

So glad to see you posting again. When I don't hear from you for awhile I get concerned and start to worry.

I'm also very happy to see that you have finally arrived upon a course of action that you feel comfortable with. That's the most important thing...that being what makes you happy and feeling good about yourself. You of all people most certainly deserve that! Stay the course my girl friend.

As far as plucking the beard...I don't know how effective that's going to be. Sounds as if it could be almost as painful as electrolysis, but with the benefit that you keep getting to do it over and over again. Between the epilator and the tweeser... you have got to be into pain Girl.

Keep the estrogen going and oh by the way....any more tenderness or sensitive in the breast area? Just curious. I know how much you want those boobies!

Hi Erica,

Thanks for the anniversary greetings. Still taking 2mg/day of Estrofem, anxiously awaiting reinforcements in the mail. As far as "developments" are concerned, still nothing definite yet. Not sleeping on stomach anymore due to discomfort. (As though epilating, beard-plucking, and ingrown hairs aren't pain enough!)

* * *

Hi Krister (or should I say 'Kristoff'?),

Thanks for the encouragement/support.

* * *

Hi all,

THE PHYSICAL SIDE

The torture from the Emjoi epilator doesn't necessarily stop when you turn it off. I'm dealing with a cluster of very painful ingrown hairs in my armpit; the elongated red knot is about the size of a large paperclip. Not gonna use the Emjoi on my armpits again. Yes, I am using a loofa now.

Took the head of the Emjoi completely apart last night to clean it. A rather daring operation, and fraught with concern when it came time to put it back together again. Don't see any other way to clean the tweezer parts. It still works, thankfully.

How's the beard-plucking, you ask? Gave up after clearing my face (down to jawline). Got about 15% of the throat done before calling it quits. When I saw the results, I cried wearily: face looked so good (=feminine) without any shadow, but it took so much effort and pain, and the results won't last long. Spent about 7-8 hours over three days.

If you ask me, beard hairs are over-engineered! The roots are WAY stronger than necessary. I couldn't BELIEVE the effort required to remove some of them (nor the SOUND some of them made!). If a beautician were doing the work, she'd have to put her foot on my chest and use both arms to get sufficient leverage. (Okay, so I'm exaggerating. Just wanted to leave you with a word picture.)

Since I'm currently on the androgynous path, beard-removal doesn't have to be perfect. Hoping 2-3 hours of plucking per week will tame it sufficiently. Time will tell. If the expense of electrolysis can be avoided, all the better.

THE INTERNAL SIDE

Still wish I could push the "self-destruct button" on this errant missle. Life back home was simpler and fell within societal norms. My spiritual life is going thru some turmoil now. The established guidelines don't work for everyone. So what are the others supposed to do? I'm out of my comfort zone and don't like dealing with moral uncertainty/ambiguity.

Still feeling rejected by wife and cut off from my son. Her standards are TOO STRICT. She's "protecting" our son from his own father. I would have to "feel male" to be accepted again. The whole situation makes me feel worthless: loss of family, loss of respectability, loss of a meaningful job.

Watched TV at Mom's while doing laundry today. Asked myself, "How's my gender doing today? Has it shifted toward the male side at all?" Considering I chose to watch babies get delivered on Discovery Health then watched a movie about a woman searching for her birth mother, I'd say I'm still in the 'F' zone. (Shed a few tears with both shows.) When Mom came in to watch the evening news, I cried over two of the stories, both involving deadly harm to children. Although I'm on estrogen, I'm still crying more than women.

Terri

A warning about plucking: If you do it, you risk distorting the follicles and making future electro you may desire much more difficult. This could result in more cost and time. When I started electro, my electrologist said she could see I had not tried to remove the hair by any other epilatory method and that this would help speed up the process. Anything that removes the hair by the root qualifies as a potential problem, including plucking.

May I ask you to go into more detail about the spiritual turmoil you are experiencing?

Hi all,

I'm convalescing. Saw a doctor Friday about the infected ingrown hairs. I have 5 abscesses; 2 are average boils, 3 are whoppers. Now taking antibiotics and applying warm compresses.

The medication says it can make birth-control pills less effective, so stopped taking estrogen for the time being. Didn't want to waste my precious supply. Plus, not feeling very feminine right now. You ought to see the goop which comes out when I drain the whopping abscesses: deep-magenta blood, beige pus, and yellow bile. How bad does the abscess in my armpit look? It originally looked just like the one on this informative page: http://www.finlay-online.com/photoquiz1.htm. Be sure to first click on the image to enlarge it. Next, picture it with an ugly, weeping ulcer in the middle. Then picture if barfing, with a streamer of purple/beige goop coming out. Now you have the idea. Not very feminine.

One abscess is two inches above my left nipple. Was trying to drain it Friday evening. Having no success, I got bolder and more experimentive with a needle. Scared myself when I was able to stick a needle in ONE FULL INCH without any resistance nor sensation. My mind raced to worst case: expensive diagnostic tests, cancer, mastectomy. Nurse was able to reassure over the phone me the next day.

Haven't been writing much in my diary during this convalescence. Wrote some thoughts down, but they were private.

* * *

Hi Plix,

The electrologist I saw in Philly said the same thing about prior hair removal. Guess I really didn't care; electrolysis seems so far off at this point. Figured it was worth experimenting with plucking, especially if mere androgyny is my goal. I always thought SRS was the main expense in transition, but electrolysis is huge all by itself ($8000?). I'm a thrifty person and also don't like spending money on myself, so electro just seems so distant.

Regarding spiritual turmoil: it isn't TG-related but involves a controversial topic which would cause thread drift. I'll give you a call sometime.

Terri