MONTH THREE, DAY ELEVEN:
GOING PUBLIC:
So, the last time we left off in this story, I was feeling happier than I ever had in my entire life, and I had a whole page and a half full of compliments from the girls at Susan's on how great I looked in my full "girl mode" dress. I really was finally fee
dressed as a girl, for the very
nd after two whole months of HRT and an entire lifetime of wishing that I could, 14 years of wishing that I could, I finally did it for the first time.
So, today was the first of 2 consecutive days off from work for me. I've been feeling like going outside in "girl mode" pretty much ever since about the 1-month mark on HRT, but I just never seemed to actually do it on my days off, and then before I knew it it was back to work and another
chance. Well, last night I pretty much decided that today was the day. As I was replying to all of the amazing encouragement that I received on the "You Look Fabulous Darling" thread, I got really psyched up about going to Goodwill and shopping for some new clothes and shoes completely dressed as a woman, and finally able to shop in that section for as long as I wanted, able to try on as much as I wanted, without having to worry about the judgmental stares of others and the inevitable look in their eyes where you can just tell that they're asking themselves "why is a man shopping in the women's section?"
Well... unfortunately, the Goodwill trip still didn't pan out. I ideally wanted to go early in the day, before the store was too crowded, but I didn't wake up until almost 2 p.m., so that plan was shot from the very beginning. I kept telling myself "It's okay, you can still go even if it's crowded. Nobody will care." But even though I kept telling myself that, I still just kept putting it off and putting it off all the early-afternoon long, and by the time I was finally ready to shower and shave and pluck and get dressed so that I could get going, my roommate arrived home, blocking my car in the driveway, so my mind used that as an excuse to give up. I felt terrible about that... I was cursing myself all night, feeling so stupid, asking myself why I didn't just do it and get it out of the way, and why I always had to be so nervous about it, and why even though I wanted to do it SO badly, and that the real me was never going to even be born until I let her out in public, I still never did it.
Then, out of the blue a few hours later, Jenny said that she was going to head out, and go to the gym for a while. So there was still hope! I could still get my car out. Goodwill was now out of the question, because it was 8:00 at night and they were closed, but I still really felt like I just HAD to do it today, so my new plan was to go to Walmart and buy some steaks for dinner, and maybe go into the women's shoe area while I was there, since I own NO women's shoes whatsoever. (And Jenny's shoes are unfortunately about a size and a half too small, so I couldn't just borrow hers like I did with her old clothes.)
Anyway, at about 11:00 at night, after another three hours of procrastinating, I FINALLY decided "to hell with this. I'm sick of all of this waiting and uncertainty and being afraid and being cooped up in my room if I want to be my true gender. I'm going, damn it!!!" And so I dressed up in my full "girl mode," complete with tight v-neck blue shirt, my lone pair of women's jeans, my shoulder-length "Vera" wig with the little inward flip at the bottom, and a hoodie to keep me warm. And off I went, so excited that I was FINALLY going to be going out in public for the first time ever! I was so excited, and so full of confidence, and so ready...
And then, I saw all of the people coming in and out of the store's front door. And that quickly, any confidence that I had completely evaporated. "Oh my God, there's so many people!" I said to myself... and seeing that crowd made me feel like I was shrinking into being about two feet tall, feeling embarrassed to have even a single person looking at me. Suddenly, all of the things that I had been feeling confident about, felt like they didn't exist anymore. And suddenly all I could think about was my flaws... how my wig clearly didn't have a realistic skin part, and how people were going to be able to tell it was a wig.. how my face was still too masculine... how my back was too flat, and my shoulders too big, and how it was going to be immediately obvious to anyone who looked at me that I wasn't really a girl, and that I was just going to look stupid, and that fear absolutely consumed me, to the point that I actually started crying. "Why does this have to be so hard?" I asked myself. "Why can't I just be completely transitioned now, and not have to put up with this phase where my mind feels completely feminine and is dying to express myself, but my face and body are still too masculine, and people are going to be able to tell. This is so not fair..." And I just whined and whined, and moped and moped, and sat there having no idea what the hell I was going to do. I was seriously contemplating just giving up and going home. Because I knew, if I looked nervous, if I looked afraid, if I was constantly looking left and right at other people to see whether they were staring at me or not, people were going to pick up on that fear IMMEDIATELY, and I was going to have no chance to pass whatsoever. I had to be confident... walk in there like it was just another day in my life, like I always wear these things, like why would anyone be looking at me? I'm just a normal girl going about my daily business. That was the mindset I needed to have. And yet, every single time I even thought about stepping out of my parked car and actually going into the store, my heart just started beating like a kettle drum, and I could feel myself starting to freak out and panic.
Minutes passed, and I was still just sitting in the car, in full dress, there at the store, but still too scared to actually get out of the car. I pulled into the parking lot at 11:10. After seeing all of the people, I just sat there and waited. The next thing I knew it was 11:20. "Okay, maybe 11:30," I told myself. And the time kept slipping on by. People were getting into and out of their cars all around me, and lots of people looked at me, but never in a way that you wouldn't expect from any other random person that they were looking at. 11:30 came and went, and I still couldn't get myself to calm down or get the confidence to step outside. Then 11:45 came. I was still just sitting in the car doing nothing. And then finally, it was midnight. And finally, the parking lot was starting to clear out. And finally, I started to calm down, and started to genuinely feel like the time was nearing. After nearly just giving up and going back home like 4 straight times, but every time telling myself "NO!!! You're going to do this. TONIGHT! Otherwise you're just going to feel like crap tomorrow, wondering for one more day why you still haven't gone out in public."
And finally, at 12:03, after fifty-three straight minutes of just sitting in the car, I finally took a deep breath, and stepped into the outside world. And after all of this buildup, all of this panicking, all of these nitpicky worries where I was scared to death that various features of my appearance were going to give me away, all of the scary words about how "you're going to get clocked no matter what" going through my head and making me just feel like giving up, the trip inside of the store in "girl mode," my first ever time out in public, ended up being a complete non event. Not a single person looked at me funny for the entire 10 minutes or so that I was in the store. One person maybe looked in my direction a little longer than a normal person would, but when I turned around, they really didn't notice, and just kind of went about their business, so maybe they weren't really looking at me in the first place. One thing is for sure though. Not a single person gave me that double-take kind of look, or that crooked stare, the kind that makes it blatantly obvious that they're seeing something that looks weird and out-of-place to them. And the best part of the night was at the checkout. I've been to this same Walmart a hundred times, and worked at a Walmart myself, so I know full well how the cashiers usually greet people and talk to people and say goodbye to people. And a lot of time when there's someone that you can tell is a bit "off," there's a silence there. The cashiers won't talk to them as much, and there will be this subtle smile that they have where you can tell that they think you're funny. I didn't get that. She talked to me normally, responded to my "hellos" and "thank yous" and "don't worry about double-bagging the meat" as if she was just talking to any other normal c
irst time out dressed. And after months of worrying, weeks of wanting to do it and yet putting it off and putting it off, and a whole day of freaking out about all of the things that were wrong with my appearance, it ended up being a complete non-event. I didn't get a single funny look, not a single person laughed at me or pointed or did that "staring" kind of double-take. And that's it.
So am I more likely to be less nervous now? HELL NO!!! I was still freaking panicking
out of the store, and I didn't feel even one iota less nervous than I was before I went in. Am I more likely to do it again, though? You betcha. Now that the first time is out of the way, and I do know that it's not the big deal that I was making it out to be, I am definitely going to feel much more likely to start doing it more often. And you know, I'm starting to understand that this is a learning process. That I'm not going to magically feel better, and magically "get it" after one, or two, or even three times out. I'm still going to be scared out of my wits. And it is going to take a LONG time for me to start working through that fear, and starting to see myself as actually being a girl instead of a transsexual scared out of her wits afraid that every single person is staring at me. The next few times are going to be rough too. But with enough practice, enough times out, enough slow confidence built up, I'll eventually get over it. And then will be the time to part-time, and once I've gotten to that, full-time. It's probably still months and months away. Because I have a LOT of learning to do. But I really do look forward to it. It's like entering a completely new life, and having to learn everything new again from the ground up.
Here's hoping, and looking forward to the continuing saga of the real-life version of "My Life As A Girl."
-Carrie
(Side note: I did browse around the women's section for a while, but let's be honest, Walmart's clothes SUCK, so I couldn't find anything I wanted to buy. I did get a nice brownish-silver shoulder bag, though, so that should help add to my appearances in the future. That's another thing I was self-conscious about, was being the only woman in the store that didn't have a purse. Yeah... I know... that's stupid, and nobody even cares about stuff like that. But let's just be brutally honest, I have some SERIOUS self-confidence issues. And tonight only served to show me just how bad they really are. To my mind, it felt like every single set of eyes in the store were microscopes fixed on me, and every single person was going to immediately see every single one of my flaws and immediately clock me, no matter how ridiculous I know such thoughts are.)
You're going to do great!! Voice is good, you're definitely gonna pass! Own it!!!"
]) Well, the video I just mentioned made me feel a LOT better about my body shape. My waist has really slimmed down, and my arms are actually starting to look a lot less bulky, and people were telling me that I sounded good and looked good. So, itching to go in public, but not having a single female shirt aside from that cruddy grey v-neck, I decided to give that blue shirt that Jenny gave me another chance. So I dressed up in full-on girl-mode, complete with the exact same jeans, the exact same padded bra, and one of my two new wigs, (this one is called the "Vera" wig,) and decided to see if I looked any better in that shirt and jeans. And... well... God... I'll just let the visuals speak for themselves here. THIS (
" and "Carrie!! you rock those curves! the smile sez it all 
" and "Wow! You look awesome, Carrie 
