Bagoas (imported) wrote: Wed Apr 20, 2005 8:03 pm
I was 15 when I realized that I am homosexual. The attitudes in my family and my community caused me an intolerable burden of guilt and led me to desire to be castrated to ride myself of my "unnatural" desires.
Wow. I'm confident that my inner desire for castration came about because of a similar circumstance. I grew up in a small rural midwest town in a large catholic family. Around 15 years old, I had intense shameful feelings of being gay and because I grew up on a farm with cattle, I knew all about castration. I just wanted to stop it all and be "normal". I finally overcame that shameful feeling when I went to college, but the desire continued as my sex drive always felt out of control and I started doing things that were a little on the dangerous side.
What's strange is now that I killed my sex drive with a shot of Depo Provera to get things under control, I'm beginning to really miss that crazy intense horniness that occasionally over takes my common sense and gives me tunnel vision. Can we say damned if you do and damned if you don't?
DrewR (imported) wrote: Mon Apr 04, 2005 11:21 pm
I don't want an orchidectomy myself. I want a guy who had one.
My earliest memories, 5 or younger, were of wanting to be sexually intimate with a eunuch. Amazing, isn't it, that the instinct should develope before I knew about sex or eunuchs.
Wanting to be "fixed" (like i was broken before. right?), I would like to know more.
Becoming a eunuch never entered my mind until a year ago, when my wife and I stopped having sex. She lost interest due to menopause, and I started feeling like a boor on top of her when she was being dutiful. Plus, I was tiring of the chase: she has chronic fatigue, with little energy for sex.
Even before that, I had been suffering occasional waves of impure thoughts. These were periods of 3-6 days where addictive sexual thoughts would consume my mind and interfere with sleep. Some nights I didnt sleep at all.
Starting around October, the occasional wave turned into a 5-MONTH wave (nightmare). As a result, I tried every way I could think of to diminish my sexuality. Utter failure -- you just cant fight hormones. I hated my genitalia, and started hating male characteristics. We had considered resuming intimacy, but interestingly enough -- the girl in me sided with my wifes situation(!) and I disassociated from my genitalia. I considered the hairy stuff ugly and wanted to be rid of it.
Castration appeared to be a way out. I discussed it with my wife. After a period of fasting and praying for both of us, I declared (still not finding relief): Either I take a trip to Philly or start wearing ladies underwear again (after an 18-year hiatus). I could have gone either way, but my wife voted for Philly. Indeed, I had peace about it, and Jesus words about cutting things off that cause sin played a big role.
The trip to Philly was wonderful! Dr. Kimmel operated on me on April 6th this year. With the loss of libido, my dysphoria about male equipment has just about evaporated. Not that Im thrilled with a penis. The thing just doesnt distress me as much anymore. My desire for female things has pretty much gone away, too.
As a result of this entire experience, my mental identity has shifted from being a man to something inbetween the sexes. Im not going for SRS, but Ive gained a distaste for certain male characteristics and am glad to be divorced from them.
I wish I could discuss these things with close friends/family, but Im afraid its just too far out of their experience. And, honestly, if I were in their shoes, I wouldnt understand either.
Although my wife and I dont have sex anymore, we are snuggle bunnies. Its all the better now since I dont poke her when we spoon.
For me it all started very slowly. At age 12 i learned what castration meant. Physically. With puberty I started to have mixed feelings about castration. It felt very exciting when I thought about ancient castrates. Yes, I read books about roman eunuchs. At the same time i didn't like things that happened to me at puberty. I got hairier, voice broke etc. When I was 16 I suddenly realised that castration was something for me. But of course I was too shy and cautious even to think about that seriously. Only castration fantasies in my mind gained much more strenght. My curiosity grew too of course step by step. When I was 24 I started to think about being castrated much more seriously. I knew that one day my testicles are being cut off. Only I didn't know the exact date. There is certain criteria that must be met before I can give up my balls. but generally, it all started with puberty.
