So, I don't mean to clog up this thread with another long post, but this might be the last one that I need to make before I officially launch the trial thread next week.

Anyway, today was a very big day for me.

I told my mom, and we had a very interesting conversation on the topic. It went absolutely 100% the way that I had predicted. She was asking me what was going on with my relationship with my girlfriend, and I told her that I was going through a bit of a confusing time, and then proceeded to explain that I was feeling very transsexual recently, and explained fully that I had been feeling that way ever since high school but was too much of a coward to admit it at the time, and only hadn't mentioned it in a while because I was going through a fundamentalist Christian phase where I was trying to suppress it. I apologized for not telling her back in high school because now I realized that she would have understood, and would have helped me, but I was a social coward at the time and was kind of in denial about the whole thing. And just like I predicted, she was not only 100% okay with it, promising that she would support me any way that she could, but it was such a non-issue to her that we were still able to relax and talk about other normal things all day, and still enjoy our day at the beach as if I was still exactly the same person. So that was a really amazing thing, and it was such a relief to finally tell her after years of telling myself "she'd never understand" back in high school for no good reason.

Then something interesting happened... we actually got to have a deep lengthy conversation on the topic. I explained to her that I had never really felt "right" with male hormones in my body... that as soon as I started puberty, the body hair felt wrong, the voice-change felt wrong, and I just never understood the behavior of my male peers at that age. Plus I really didn't have much of a sex drive, often going two weeks without doing anything while it seemed like every other guy I knew was doing it multiple times a day. And she then told me all about something that I hadn't really given serious thought to before. She told me that there are actually psychological studies where when a parent is under a lot of stress during pregnancy, it impacts the child's hormone levels. And while she was pregnant with me, her mother was dying a slow, painful death from cancer, and it was eating her up inside. And she noticed that I was different than other boys almost as soon as I could talk. She told me about the conversations she used to have with her college friend Karen, who had a boy at almost the exact same time that I was born, and while Karen was constantly complaining about how rambunctious Chad was, I was always a lot quieter, enjoying intricate play, always having girls as best friends, and not having the same wildness to me. (I noticed this too now that I'm looking back.) So she speculated that maybe because of the stress she had during pregnancy, I had never really had much testosterone, so once I finally hit puberty and had to experience it, I wasn't used to it, and it felt like a foreign invader to me or something. So if anything, this was just a validation that all of the things I have felt gender-wise throughout my life actually have some legitimate merit, and didn't just come out of nowhere. (Side note: I made absolutely sure to let her know that I'm not bitter or resentful about this, I'm glad that I went through it the way that I did because it taught me so much, so that she hopefully won't feel a need to blame herself for this.)

And all day today after that conversation, I felt like I was on cloud nine. It feels like my true personality is being unleashed. I talked differently, I was more open, I felt much more social and courteous, I was cracking jokes and smiling all day, and honestly I've never been so happy in my entire life. The sun looked brighter, the food tasted better, colors seemed more vibrant, and every single time I saw a girl I couldn't help but think... that could be me. It really could be. In real life! Wow! How awesome is that?

And all day, I was still having those "flashes" where I could just suddenly see parts of myself being feminine. Today, it was my hands. I just couldn't quit looking at them. They already look feminine in shape, and are quite small, so I just couldn't quit imagining what they would look like as a girl, maybe painted with nail polish or something, and how happy that I would be to look down and see something so beautiful and feminine right there on my own body.

With every day, I'm growing more and more confident. That little girl that I've been keeping pent-up inside of myself for 15 years, she's finally being allowed to come to the surface. And she's grown up from a nervous little child who didn't know who she was and why she was there, into a woman who's ready to step forward and show herself to the world.

Side note: now that I know about the hormone-pregnancy thing, and have reflected on what it was like for me to experience teenage testosterone levels for the first time, I have more confidence than ever that the estrogen is indeed going to be like a total revelation once I finally take it, and that it really will give me that sense of self for the first time. Again, I just absolutely can't wait until January 7th. I'm FINALLY going to be myself!!! YAY!!!!! I seriously don't think that I have ever been this happy in my entire life!

Much love to everyone who has supported me through this!

-from Charlie/Carrie/Whatever.

(In case anyone is interested in knowing what I'm feeling like right now, play the song "Only Yesterday" by the Carpenters and imagine that I'm singing it to my new self.)

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 03, 2013 1:21 am Anyway, today was a very big day for me.

I told my mom, and we had a very interesting conversation on the topic. It went absolutely 100% the way that I had predicted. She was asking me what was going on with my relationship with my girlfriend, and I told her that I was going through a bit of a confusing time, and then proceeded to explain that I was feeling very transsexual recently, and explained fully that I had been feeling that way ever since high school but was too much of a coward to admit it at the time, and only hadn't mentioned it in a while because I was going through a fundamentalist Christian phase where I was trying to suppress it. I apologized for not telling her back in high school because now I realized that she would have understood, and would have helped me, but I was a social coward at the time and was kind of in denial about the whole thing. And just like I predicted, she was not only 100% okay with it, promising that she would support me any way that she could, but it was such a non-issue to her that we were still able to relax and talk about other normal things all day, and still enjoy our day at the beach as if I was still exactly the same person. So that was a really amazing thing, and it was such a relief to finally tell her after years of telling myself "she'd never understand" back in high school for no good reason.

Then something interesting happened... we actually got to have a deep lengthy conversation on the topic. I explained to her that I had never really felt "right" with male hormones in my body... that as soon as I started puberty, the body hair felt wrong, the voice-change felt wrong, and I just never understood the behavior of my male peers at that age. Plus I really didn't have much of a sex drive, often going two weeks without doing anything while it seemed like every other guy I knew was doing it multiple times a day. And she then told me all about something that I hadn't really given serious thought to before. She told me that there are actually psychological studies where when a parent is under a lot of stress during pregnancy, it impacts the child's hormone levels. And while she was pregnant with me, her mother was dying a slow, painful death from cancer, and it was eating her up inside. And she noticed that I was different than other boys almost as soon as I could talk. She told me about the conversations she used to have with her college friend Karen, who had a boy at almost the exact same time that I was born, and while Karen was constantly complaining about how rambunctious Chad was, I was always a lot quieter, enjoying intricate play, always having girls as best friends, and not having the same wildness to me. (I noticed this too now that I'm looking back.) So she speculated that maybe because of the stress she had during pregnancy, I had never really had much testosterone, so once I finally hit puberty and had to experience it, I wasn't used to it, and it felt like a foreign invader to me or something. So if anything, this was just a validation that all of the things I have felt gender-wise throughout my life actually have some legitimate merit, and didn't just come out of nowhere. (Side note: I made absolutely sure to let her know that I'm not bitter or resentful about this, I'm glad that I went through it the way that I did because it taught me so much, so that she hopefully won't feel a need to blame herself for this.)

And all day today after that conversation, I felt like I was on cloud nine. It feels like my true personality is being unleashed. I talked differently, I was more open, I felt much more social and courteous, I was cracking jokes and smiling all day, and honestly I've never been so happy in my entire life. The sun looked brighter, the food tasted better, colors seemed more vibrant, and every single time I saw a girl I couldn't help but think... that could be me. It really could be. In real life! Wow! How awesome is that?

And all day, I was still having those "flashes" where I could just suddenly see parts of myself being feminine. Today, it was my hands. I just couldn't quit looking at them. They already look feminine in shape, and are quite small, so I just couldn't quit imagining what they would look like as a girl, maybe painted with nail polish or something, and how happy that I would be to look down and see something so beautiful and feminine right there on my own body.

With every day, I'm growing more and more confident. That little girl that I've been keeping pent-up inside of myself for 15 years, she's finally being allowed to come to the surface. And she's grown up from a nervous little child who didn't know who she was and why she was there, into a woman who's ready to step forward and show herself to the world.

Side note: now that I know about the hormone-pregnancy thing, and have reflected on what it was like for me to experience teenage testosterone levels for the first time, I have more confidence than ever that the estrogen is indeed going to be like a total revelation once I finally take it, and that it really will give me that sense of self for the first time. Again, I just absolutely can't wait until January 7th. I'm FINALLY going to be myself!!! YAY!!!!! I seriously don't think that I have ever been this happy in my entire life!

Much love to everyone who has supported me through this!

-from Charlie/Carrie/Whatever.

(In case anyone is interested in knowing what I'm feeling like right now, play the song "Only Yesterday" by the Carpenters and imagine that I'm singing it to my new self.)

Good for you Cheetaking..(what does that mean, and what IS your name?). I love positive people and you sure fit that description smooches Jackie

^"Cheetaking" is actually the name of a Pokemon that I invented back in 8th grade. I had a childhood club called the Wildcats, and we each picked a favorite cat to represent each of us, and mine was the cheetah. So when I invented my own set of Wildcat-themed Pokemon as a middle-schooler, mine was "Cheetaking." (the "h" had to be dropped because Pokemon has a 10-character name maximum.) And I liked the name so much that I have used it as a screen name on just about every website I visit since then. (And the 243 is added because, when I made my first e-mail account under the female alias "Carrie Farray" back in 9th grade or so, that e-mail address was "MeowMeow243," so it's a throwback to that.)

As for my actual name, I don't really feel like I know yet. I have always called my female side "Carrie," but for some reason this new feminine expression doesn't feel much like "Carrie" anymore. It doesn't feel like an alternate mary-sue-ish persona like Carrie always was, it just feels like the same me, albeit potentially with a body that makes me feel happier and better able to express myself. So I guess I don't know. I'm still "Charlie" for now, but I'll tentatively say "Carrie" for my feminine side just because I always have, but I'm not sure about that because it doesn't feel like Carrie anymore, so that's why I added "whatever." You know, I'll cross that road once I get there. Honestly, I really don't care if my friends and family keep calling me Charlie. It's actually becoming an increasingly-trendy girls' name anyway in recent years, so I don't feel any real hurry to change it at the moment. Maybe this will change once I get deeper into this, but for now I'm fine just posting all three because I don't really know yet.

BTW, I think you're missing a "" at the beginning of that there post... ;p

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Sat Dec 29, 2012 9:59 pm I feel a lot the same way. I'm definitely not very girly. I still like sports, and I hate the beauty industry with a fiery passion, as well as the restrictive nature of traditional femininity. Honestly, when I imagine myself as a girl, it's more of the geeky type, with fangirlish interests and nerdy loves, dorking around with my friends. I guess to some degree it's the freedom that I want. I want to be able to decide for myself whether I feel like being cute, bubbly, pretty, and feminine, or whether I'm feeling awesome and feeling like kicking butt and taking names. As a guy, I really can't do that. As a girl, I could. I actually have always really identified with "awesome" girls like athletes and rockers and the like... girls who kick butt and take names and look great doing it. So while I'm not 100% girl, being a girl would indeed allow me to be 100% myself instead of only about 50%.

A lot of women aren't feminine in the stereotypical way described. There are a lot more ways to be feminine than to be masculine - just look at the variety of clothes women have access to, and compare it to that we men have. In the past, psychologists who oversaw sex changes insisted that intending transsexuals had to be very stereotypically feminine and to desire a 1950s housewife kind of existence, but that's not so much the case now, particularly as the way women behave has changed. Not all women use a lot of make-up, anyway, and there are a lot of women who won't use it because it's full of gunk and crap and not healthy.

Cheetalking243,

You might want to check out this site:

http.//groups.yahoo.com/group/tsdoityourselfhormones

There are plenty of people there who can answer your questions and help you through everything.

Good luck on your transition.

Dee

You know how I said I might not have to post anything else until the actual trial started, because I felt like I'd gone as far as I could go conviction-wise?

Well, you can throw that right out the window, because I have yet another long angry rant/epiphany to follow.

Tonight was one of the worst nights of my entire life in terms of how I felt about my gender. Before tonight, I had actually been thinking in the back of my mind somewhere "you know, if I can feel this unbelievably happy with myself just by deciding to go on hormones, maybe I really don't need them in the first place. Maybe I just needed to be honest with myself." But after tonight, you can officially throw that theory out the window.

Tonight was the rehearsal dinner/party for my childhood friend Sean's wedding (which is tomorrow.)

You know, it's so easy for me to forget how little I have in common with other guys my age, until I'm absolutely surrounded by them. Sean is a Navy guy, and a bunch of his friends were at this party.

This ended up being a scene straight out of one of my stories. It was the first time in a long time that I had glimpsed "boy world" again, where the whole point of life is to look tough and macho, emotionally-stoic, and show off how tough and macho you are to just about every single one of your friends.

So there all these guys were, sitting and dicking around with each-other with jokes and constant swearing, drinking way more beer than they needed to, in general having that tough "swagger" about them in the way they presented themselves, lumbering around as they walked, making broad gestures with everything, striking "dude" poses for the cameras, making rude remarks and dirty jokes, and talking in a way that was confident and tough and loud.

And as all of this was going on around me, there was little old me sitting there in one of the chairs introspectively, playing with the ends of my fingers in a shy feminine manner, legs close together, just feeling like a wallflower instead of an active participant. Every thing they said, every way they acted, it felt so alien to me. And I noticed that there was pretty much nothing even remotely masculine about my mannerisms. I walked like the women, I talked like the women, I sat and behaved like the women, and I pretty much didn't have ANY of those broad masculine gestures or behaviors in me. I didn't feel like acting like a "bro" like the other guys, I just felt like having pleasant conversations with the people who I knew there. And this is what most of the women at this party were doing, while the guys were out dicking around and being all macho.

I just felt so wrong as it was going on. The more I thought about it, the more I felt like a girl... not just a feminine guy, not just a guy who wanted to be a girl, but a girl. My mannerisms, and my natural inclination toward behavior, and the things that I actually felt like I understood the logic and the thought process behind as I watched others, they aren't like a guy at all. They're unmistakably feminine. And I couldn't help but once again start thinking about how much more I would feel like myself if I could be a girl. I felt like playing with the kids who were there, or carrying a cute kitten around, something like that. Or even acting cute... just smiling and keeping my arms pointed in, and adding an occasional remark or a sweet laugh when the guys crack jokes, then talking to the other girls on the side. THAT was what I felt like was right. It was what my personality wanted to do right then.

Not to mention, every time my mom took a picture it felt like such a huge let-down. I always looked so awful. That fatty masculine jaw, I hate it. My thick eyebrows that cover up my eyes when I smile, I hate them. My fatty stocky frame that makes me look like some kind of big lumbering animal most of the time, I really hate it. I couldn't stop imagining myself as a girl, and how much happier that would make me feel about myself. When my picture was being taken, I wanted to do cute poses, I wanted my smile to shine, and I wanted to look radiant and happy and like I had a personality. But with every picture, despite thinking that I was giving a bright smile and a happy pose, the feeling that I had inside was pretty much 100% different than the picture that eventually turned out. In all of them, I looked masculine, not the least bit cute, my smile didn't radiate at all, my eyes looked closed, and my smile looked emotionless and fake every single time. I really had that sense that what I have on the outside doesn't match what I have on the inside.

Again, this was like a scene straight out of one of my stories. And I felt just as miserable as the characters in my stories all over again. All night, I felt like crying. I felt like going outside and screaming. I felt like doing ANYTHING that could get rid of that knotted pit in my stomach that kept telling me that this was all wrong, and that I couldn't keep on living like this. It's that kind of feeling that I only get when I watch other guys my age, and watch their behavior, and I realize how much I'm different from them.

I've realized... I'm not just some abnormal guy who likes feminine things, I'm not just a guy who dreams about being a girl, and I'm not just girlish. I AM a girl. Everything about my life that is even remotely masculine in terms of how I present myself, it feels wrong. And everything about the way that the girls act, and the girls present themselves, feels like the way that I naturally want to behave. It's so easy to forget when I'm just going about my normal life, always around my girlfriend and all of her friends, and really don't have much masculinity around me. But now that I've once again had it right there in front of me, it's made me realize just how different I am from them, and how I really am not even a part of that world. It's an alien landscape to me. I have never understood masculine behavior, and never will. I do understand feminine behavior, and that is what I naturally want to act like myself. It's true. I was born in the wrong body. I'm not a guy who would rather have a vagina than a penis, I'm a girl just happens to be 6'3" tall and was born with a penis.

So, yeah, this was NOT a fun day. For better or for worse, though, I'm now certain of what my gender identity is... a girl. I'm still on the brink of crying right now as I imagine the terrible feelings of gender wrongness that I experienced tonight. No doubt, if I was taking female hormones right now, I would be bawling my eyes out. (And I WANT to! God, it feels so right when I actually cry when things are bothering me, and so wrong when I feel the pain and feel the tears welling up but nothing comes out.) I haven't felt so miserable in a very long time. For better or for worse, though, now I definitely know that no, I'm not ever going to be truly happy unless I change my gender. Just when I thought that everything was perfect, that maybe this wasn't such a big deal after all, and that maybe I could be on cloud nine regardless of what was between my legs, this party completely kicked me smack in the ass, sending me flying off that cloud so quickly that I didn't even know what hit me. So I suppose maybe on some deep level I'm happy to be feeling this way right now, because it is definitely yet another important step to understanding who I truly am, but by God this was one hell of a painful night. I pray to God that I never have to feel this miserable again as long as I live.

Okay, that's finally it. If you're still reading this, thanks for putting up with my complaining. I love you guys!

-from Carrie/whatever.

P.S....

HumanFly - thank God that's not true anymore. Because I'm not like that at all. I still like sports, I still like geeky fanboy/fangirlish interests, and I have no intention whatsoever of turning my life into a glamorous pink frilly cavalcade. At heart, I'm definitely more of a sensible midwestern girl type. Still unmistakably a girl at heart, but definitely not adhering to strict cultural femininity expectations.

corningman - Thanks for the link. I've never been a member of a Yahoo group before. Is it a good place?

funny you mention you don't "fit in" with the rest of the guys cuz I feel exactly the same way. That dicking around behaviour sickens me when I have to play along with something I'm not.

But when im in nerd mode with other nerd guys my hatred for my penis(which i associate with a typical male behaviour aka think with your penis) just vanishes. I still have dysphoria thoughts but it's a mixed bags sorta thing.I guess this is where my tomboy feeling arose. I somehow got caught up between the middle of the gender spectrum and you know I like it. It's unique, it's different and lastly its not steroetypically black or white.

Im a hybrid and Im happy

NB = In the furry world my desired transformation would be to become a trans grey lady vixentaur.(part humanoid vixen + part lower half fox, sorta like a centaur except it be vulpine, I I kid you not I actually get euphoric thinking about becoming a vixentaur in my next afterlife ^ ^)

foxytaur (imported) wrote: Sat Jan 05, 2013 11:01 am funny you mention you don't "fit in" with the rest of the guys cuz I feel exactly the same way. That dicking around behaviour sickens me when I have to play along with something I'm not.

But when im in nerd mode with other nerd guys my hatred for my penis(which i associate with a typical male behaviour aka think with your penis) just vanishes.

The hatred I have for mine actually doesn't go away. Ever. I ALWAYS hate my penis, and it always feels wrong, even when the rest of me is at my happiest. The only time that it ever doesn't annoy me is when I'm at nudist camps... and even then, I still deeply envy vaginas every time I see them, and truly feel like that's what I should have. Those feelings NEVER go away. Which is one of the prime reasons that I now am happy to officially identify myself as a girl. There's simply no other explanation for how my own genitals can constantly feel like an obnoxious foreign invader to me. And unlike you, foxy, even when I'm with my nerdy guy friends, (as I've written about,) I STILL don't feel satisfied emotionally. Because I still act way more girly than them. I want to talk, and I want to aww and coo over cute things, and still talk about normal things in addition to our nerdy interests. Guys don't do this. With every single one of my guy friends, all we ever did was play games, and talk about our nerdy interests, and obsess over them. It has actually happened to me several times, where my interests changed and I stopped playing the game that made me become friends with someone in the first place, and then suddenly we didn't have anything in common anymore, and couldn't find anything else to talk about, and the friendship just died. Or if I'm not playing a game with the guy, we just don't have anything to talk about and it just starts feeling awkward. So in that regard too, my definition of friendship and the things about a friendship that make me feel satisfied are unmistakably feminine. I've never been friends with a girl where this has happened, but it happens with my so-called male "best friends" all the time.

And don't even get me started on uber-masculine behavior and "dicking around." I already feel unsatisfied enough when I'm just around normal nerdy guys doing normal nerdy things. Watching young guys dick around and act like idiots... it doesn't just make me feel like a girl and hate my own penis, it feels more like a kick in the face. I don't just hate my penis, it feels like an absolute abomination that I'm stuck with that thing, and I feel like taking a torch to the damned thing just to escape even being associated with it and all of its social implications.

Side note:

Today was my friend Sean's wedding. And it was actually really hard because it started making me feel a bit lonely. The path of a transsexual, especially a big tall one like me, is a long and lonely road. By deciding to go through with this, odds are that I'll never marry, and that I'll never have kids of my own thanks to the prevalent cultural misunderstandings about transsexual individuals in this country. So this really made me re-check with myself, really think about whether I was really willing to give up on all of this potential happiness for the sake of finally being who I am on the inside.

At first I felt like crying, because for the longest time I felt like that was my only mission in life... to get married, to raise a loving family, and I could constantly see that image of future happiness, seeing my future son/daughter all the time in my dreams, and it felt so unfair that this might be slipping away at the exact same time as I felt like I finally knew who I was on the inside. I thought of how happy I was when I first fell in love with my girlfriend, and when I felt that sheer joy as I realized that just maybe that family goal might finally have a chance of coming true. That was the last time that I was happy as a guy. And I wondered, was it really worth giving that up? I thought and thought, trying to come to a final decision. And then as I looked back year by year, trying to determine just what it was that I needed to make me permanently happy in life, I realized something. My gender is like a gaping hole in my life. I've always had that gaping hole in me. It's a hole that has always caused me great pain. And the only reason I've ever been happy with that hole in my life is because I keep temporarily filling it and covering it with different things. Back in 9th/10th grade was when I felt the most miserable, it was because I had NOTHING to fill that hole with. All I had was myself, and I refused to acknowledge the hole that was there because I was such a social coward, so it just constantly ate at me. In 11th and 12th grade, I successfully managed to fill that hole with temporary relationships and then getting into writing my fantasy novel... and as long as I had the love of another and what I thought was a life calling that would give a purpose to all of this gender confusion, I was able to keep it a bit more controlled. My first year of college, I yet again had nothing to fill it with, and spent the whole year completely miserable. After that, I next filled the hole with the excitement of truly being in love for the first time. After that, it was religion. And while all of these things did give me temporary relief, they were like a piece of plywood covering a pothole. They temporarily made me feel better, and they were a good way to pretend that the hole wasn't there, but they never fixed the hole permanently. And I'm realizing, nothing at all can do that except for me to accept who I am and finally change my external gender to match my internal one. Only then can I experience true lasting happiness instead of just a state of temporarily being numb to the pain that's always there, because the hole in my life would FINALLY be fixed

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Dec 28, 2012 9:31 pm . For the first time in my entire life,

I would be truly happy with myself, and not just pretending that I didn't have a problem even though I knew full well that I did.

As soon as I decided to do this trial, and for 4 days after that, that was the first time in my entire life that I had felt that way... awake, alive, absolutely filled from head to toe with radiant happiness, and finally feeling like I was free to be myself. That was the most amazing feeling I had ever experienced. And I'm so glad that I did. It has given me that extra push, that extra little bit of hope that says that this is indeed something that can finally make me happy with myself, and that it's something that's worth fighting for through any hardship. Because when I was that happy, it was such an amazing happiness that nothing else in the world mattered. Wheras with all of the other greatest happinesses in my life, at the end of the day I still ended up coming right back to that feeling that my gender was wrong. So if I can finally fix that, for the first time in my life my default state of existence would be happiness instead of just a dull grey fog where I can only be happy by avoiding thinking about what I look and act like, and suppressing my true feelings.

That's all for today. It was yet another tough day, filled with hard realities, but I still emerged from the other side of it completely convicted that I have to do this, and it would be lying to myself if I didn't.

Side note 2: Oh, yeah, and just as an added note, weddings and any other formal events are almost always when I am the most jealous of girls. Because I HATE HATE HATE men's formal wear. It's boring, bland, pretty much all exactly the same, and hot as hell because all of the layers are so bulky and blocky. And the entire goal of them seems to be to hide everything that you have behind a square clothing frame instead of showing off what you have. But girls' dresses... my god, they're just so radiant! So many colors, so many cuts, so many different ways of wearing them to show off the best parts of your body, so many ways that you can do your hair with them, and the girls don't have to be sweating like a pig while wearing them because there's still so many places where air can reach the skin instead of having 2 layers of fabric over every square inch of your body except for your hands and face. Girls, I don't give a damn how uncomfortable heels are, you don't know how good you have it when it comes to dressing up. I'm so freaking jealous it's ridiculous.

aka Harry benjamin syndrome.

NB = Im not being sarcastic btw. I believe a total sex change is right for you cheetaking

My hybrid personality on the otherhand says a srs is a big mistake for me.

I was reading the transgender and transexual WPATH guidelines and apparently there are different levels of gender dysphoria. some are stronger than others. From what youve described cheetaking yours are very strong. Possibly the strongest.

NB = I guess this means my fractional sinuisodal half is partways idiot .

Suppose F(x) = G(x) + H(x)

Let the G(x) = G(-x) or cosine

function be my male side. Let my H(x) = -H(-x) be my sine or female side. P

If both sinusoidal waves don't respond to half wave symetry.This explains the diverse gender spectrum. Otherwise the sinusoidals would have cancelled with each other following halfwave symetry rule for fourier series waveforms.Leaving the eunuch gender standing as a function where two waveforms completely cancel each other.

The continuos waveform F(x) btw represents universal gender fluidity ^ ^

Hail the almighty math, for it makes no mistakes

foxytaur (imported) wrote: Sat Jan 05, 2013 8:01 pm aka Harry benjamin syndrome.

NB = Im not being sarcastic btw. I believe a total sex change is right for you cheetaking

My hybrid personality on the otherhand says a srs is a big mistake for me.

I was reading the transgender and transexual WPATH guidelines and apparently there are different levels of gender dysphoria. some are stronger than others. From what youve described cheetaking yours are very strong. Possibly the strongest.

I'm not sure. Because over the years I've become so good at hiding it, and my personality type is so good at suppressing pain and still feeling happy regardless, that a lot of the time it's really hard to figure out what I want. I'm VERY good at adapting to new life circumstances and still being able to shrug and say "meh... whatever..." and get on with my life even when extremely terrible things are happening. Not much phases me. I'm almost always in a state of mind of not feeling regret and not feeling anxious, but just trying to enjoy the moment. And this happens with absolutely everything in my life, so I've been able to do the same thing with gender over the years. So despite these thoughts constantly being there, I'm really good at shoving them aside and thinking of other things because I don't want to let myself get depressed, especially since I went through a Christian phase where every single time those thoughts came to me I "rebuked Satan" and said a prayer to get him out of my head. So after so many years of that, it is really hard to know what's real and what's not, because I've never given myself permission to face these thoughts head-on.

When I think of Harry Benjamin, I think of someone who can't even stand to live in their birth gender any longer, and it interferes with their life so much that they can't function anymore. Or someone who, even since they were a little kid, always wanted to be the other gender. Where with me, it's more like a constant lingering annoyance that I'm able to ignore with varying degrees of success depending on how happy the other parts of my life are at any given moment. Because I've become so good at hiding it, and so good at pretending that it's not there, I've been able to still live a relatively normal life and still experience happiness in many things. If it weren't for that extreme uber-happiness that I felt when I finally decided to do this hormone trial, I might not have ever realized that I was living in a kind of dull grey fog in the first place. It was only then that I was able to look back and realize that I had been shoving my transsexual thoughts aside so much, because I was so used to doing it. That is what opened my eyes. So in a way, although ever since puberty I've always known that I hated my penis, have always been unsatisfied with male peers, felt like I should be a girl, and those thoughts never go away unless I personally shove them aside, I'm so used to ignoring those thoughts that most of the time I can still put on a happy face and function just fine, only having occasional fits where the thoughts are so overwhelming that I start feeling depressed.

So although I definitely fit the first two criteria for GID (Long-standing and strong identification with another gender, and long-standing disquiet about the sex assigned or a sense of incongruity in the gender-assigned role of that sex,) I don't fit the third. (Significant clinical discomfort or impairment at work, social situations, or other important life areas.) Because I'm so good at ignoring pain, that only comes in short bursts, like at yesterday's rehearsal dinner. For the most part, I still have a pretty much normal life that is not significantly negatively impacted by my constant transsexual feelings. So again, although every single one of the thoughts that I have matches GID and the whole Harry Benjamin classification perfectly, my lack of significant impairment over it makes me question whether I can really be classified as that or not.

You know what? Now that I think about it, I think it's probably because my female gender identity is definitely a more ambiguous female rather than a girly-girl, somewhere just to the right of the dead middle on the gender spectrum. While my male body and behavior is feminine enough that it's just to the left of the dead middle on that same gender spectrum. So there is definitely a gap there, and I definitely see myself as a girl, but the gap between my true self and my physical self isn't wide enough to cause me significant discomfort except in a few key areas like clothing and appearance which make it impossible to move any further to the right as a guy. (If there was a chart that lined up masculinity and femininity side by side on a combined scale of 0-10, with the lower end being masculinity, the higher end being femininity, and 5 being neutral, I'd say that my physical self is a 3 or a 4 while my true self is a 6 or a 7.) A lot of transsexuals try to mask their feminine tendencies by engaging in uber-masculine behavior, or want to be really girly, which both result in a huge gaping void between their true selves and their physical selves (either like a 4 to a 9 or a 2 to an 8,) but with me I'm not afraid to express my feminine side as a guy, and I don't plan on being very girly as a girl, so that gap is much smaller, and thus it doesn't bother me as much as it bothers most transsexuals. Yeah, I think that's it.