Just two cents worth that has mostly been echoed.

Talk to your doctor about doing a female hormone "balance" of Testosterone and Estrogen. You might find that a doctor who does Bioidentical Hormones and works with a compounding pharmacy can mix up the right mix that will help. I know you probably don't feel keen on having "any" testosterone but its important to know that natal women have Testosterone. Just not a lot. Its the proper "mix" that makes everything work right for women.

Re: Attraction to women. So, your lesbian? Is there anything wrong with that? Frankly I don't think so. I know we live in a fairly homophobic world but is being Gay the problem? Talking about that to your therapist might be a good idea. The meds thing? I don't know. Whatever you do be the squeaky wheel. Squeak and tell the doctors whats working. Whats not and don't accept anything less then a solution. If your doctor can't figure it out don't be afraid to seek another opinion.

Dear AL2L,

I wish I had noticed your post sooner so I could have joined the others who have offered their support, advice and good wishes. Please don't ever feel concerned about posting here, no matter how down and negative you are feeling. I am concerned that we have heard nothing more from you.

You have experienced depression much of your life. Now it is worse. Depression is not something one can just decide to 'turn off', although you may be able to say "I am not going to give in to despair." You need help to get through this difficult period of your life.

I am a transsexual female and have been full-time for 9 months. I am happy for the first time in my life, but I have known deep despair at other times. There was a period of 6 - 8 weeks after I was assaulted when I was severely suicidal. As I teen, I often thought of suicide. For much of my childhood until two years ago (age 55), I suffered with major depression. It was only when my lifelong depression eased that I was able to face the fact that I am transgender and take effective action that then led to my happiness. Transitioning can, from what I read, relieve symptoms of depression if they are related to gender dysphoria. Transitioning, hormones and surgery cannot, by themselves, relieve depression related to other issues and causative factors. Others have made suggestions on what may help you.

I don't know how many physicians and/or psychiatrists you have seen as you sought relief, over the years, through medication. As with any other difficult illness, finding the provider who finally hits on the treatment(s) that works for you may take more effort and time, unfortunately.

As for the treatment of depression, I am not an expert. I will say that I tried many antidepressants and combinations of drugs over several decades. None of those were more than partially effective. I got lucky, though, and a psychologist I was seeing referred me to a local psychiatrist with an excellent reputation for treating all types of depression. He prescribed an MAOI patch that totally alleviated my depression.

I know you have tried many antidepressants. It sounds like you cannot wait, though, until you luck out (as I did) and more or less stumble upon someone who can help. Your depression has worsened. I recommend taking a very active approach in finding a different doctor who finds the meds that are right for you based on your current status. I know this is difficult when you are depressed. Perhaps you can enlist the aid of family or friends.

As I said, I am not an expert on depression. From what I read, I will say that 'atypical depression' seems to be, in reality, the most common form of this illness. The 'atypical' refers to symptoms that do not always match what one might expect for a depressed person. Depression of any kind can be difficult to treat.

If you don't already have one, I suggest finding a good therapist. A psychiatrist you see for medication may or may not help you with the mental work that would help ease your symptoms. My own experience, which may be unusual, tells me that psychologists and social workers often make better therapists than psychiatrists.

When you are feeling so down, it can be extremely difficult to envision a time when you will be better. Still, it is important to stay active and participate in life if you possibly can. Get out with friends, take a long walk, go to a movie, exercise and do anything but sit alone at home. Getting out with people and staying active can help your symptoms. Even if you get nothing more than temporary relief, you will at least get an idea that your life can improve. And going about the normal routines of daily life - even if that means nothing more than getting out of bed, showering, taking care in how you dress, going to school or work (or volunteering), returning home, eating and getting into bed - is something you can, I hope, view as something to be proud of. Despite your low spirits, you are able to make it through the day.

There was a time in my life, immediately after I was assaulted and nearly killed, when I felt that I could not handle the pain of living another day. I'm very glad I was able to hang in there to reach the point I'm at now. It was extremely difficult for me to hold on back then, so I am not minimizing your struggle.

Life can be beautiful again or, as in my case, become truly beautiful for the first time ever.

I wish you well and hope that one day you will find that you are at peace with yourself and who you are. Happiness may then become more common for you, and arrive in unexpected and wonderful ways.

Peace and blessings

Hugs,

Danya

Thank you for everyone who took the time to write me. I'm not really doing any better although I have tried changing meds and spending more time with the few friends I have. Everything continues to feel wrong and I cannot find any relief. It has gotten to the point where there is nothing I enjoy. I even talked to my parents about going into rehab for my addiction to Rx drugs I was put on for my anxiety / depression and they encuraged me to stay on them. I feel as though I'm already dead. No emotions, no desires, no love but for the drugs that calm me. I've tried adjusting my hormones, meditation, exercise, but nothing seems to fill the hole in my soul. I really just want to die and I hope it comes soon. I'm pretty sure my current ritual of doing a xanax/amphetamine speedball 4 times a day will eventually catch up to me.

Everyone sees me as so successful and in control and my type A personality and my obsessiveness with work. But without love or any hope of feeling ok I truly have nothing. I've never felt so worthless and unfixable. I'm a castrated drug-addicted transsexual who has everything and nothing at the same time.

I'm leaving this group. Please don't comment any further on this post because I will not be here to read it and I don't want to waiste anyones time. I wish you well.

aLie2Live.

Just wanted you to know if you do check back in there are still many who are concerned for you. I hope you find your way through the dark days to more happiness. Peace

My feeling about your state of being is that your problem is spiritual and emotional. In essence is has little to do with the drugs you take or don’t take or the state and format of your body.

I would try something like joining a choir or a meditation class.

Adios all the best in your efforts to find equilibrium.

Lesley (imported) wrote: Mon Mar 09, 2009 1:45 pm My feeling about your state of being is that your problem is spiritual and emotional. In essence is has little to do with the drugs you take or don’t take or the state and format of your body.

I would try something like joining a choir or a meditation class.

Adios all the best in your efforts to find equilibrium.

I totally agree with Lesley 100%, she needs to try something different quit trying to get others to fix her and fix her herself. Sounds like some life long issues.

chilli-

I think everyone who responded to this writer had good things to say. And they showed they cared by taking the time to write.

I am myself a very spiritual person and that fact has helped me get through much of my life. My own experience is that, at times, people need help if they cannot find their own way. That may come in different forms. I doubt that there is one answer that works well for everyone.

Sometimes I have been able to help myself, at other times I haven't. When I have sought therapy, I've considered myself fortunate to find a therapist who was also spiritual.

Mostly what I feel now is some despair of my own. My own response to this writer took a lot out of me. I can tell myself that it was beyond our collective wisdom to help this person. At least we tried. Nonetheless, I feel a sense of loss that 'Despair' signed off while still feeling so hopeless. I know what that feels like.

I wish everyone peace and joy in their own lives, whatever path they take to reach that point.

I know how you feel what happend to me to make my hormones all messed up was not something I choose.

It is difficult to try and keep things in line and going after you have issues like this.

We need to look on the bright side things could always be worse.

DHEA can be helpful sometimes 25-50 mg a day

Pregnenolone can also be very helpful at 25-100 mg a day depending on the person.

notalife (imported) wrote: Fri Mar 06, 2009 5:26 am I sympathize with you, I am pretty much a non voluntary "castrate" as I recieved my problem thanks to some medical problem that should have been prevented(my testicles have shrunk to nothing and I have probably no testosterone in my body)

I am also not someone who will take medication and testosterone therapy for personal reasons

what a nightmare this has been pure nightmare

I have also suffered a tough childhood but was able to overcome it and was able to find a peace and meaning to life and it was awesome, and this happens and it is hell

I dont know what to tell you other then I sympathize with you, absolutley pure hell, the worst part is no one can really relate to me on the same level

I can relate due to suffering a similar condition hope to hear from you soon.

notalife (imported) wrote: Fri Mar 06, 2009 5:26 am I sympathize with you, I am pretty much a non voluntary "castrate" as I recieved my problem thanks to some medical problem that should have been prevented(my testicles have shrunk to nothing and I have probably no testosterone in my body)

I am also not someone who will take medication and testosterone therapy for personal reasons

what a nightmare this has been pure nightmare

I have also suffered a tough childhood but was able to overcome it and was able to find a peace and meaning to life and it was awesome, and this happens and it is hell

I dont know what to tell you other then I sympathize with you, absolutley pure hell, the worst part is no one can really relate to me on the same level

aLie2Live (imported) wrote: Sat Feb 21, 2009 12:41 am What I realized though after 10 years of procedures and pills and treatments is that I'm no more at peace with myself than when i was that 5 yr old kid questioning why I hated my body so much, why I felt so different than everyone, and why couldnt I just be happy being me. The worst part is that I'm only attracted to women. And although I had been dating women before the procedure, after its been nothing but embarrasement and heartache. I feel ruined and I feel responsible for what I have become. It's a horrible thing to live with..the feeling that you will never feel ok. I'm in my 30's. I cannot imagine feeeling this way for even another 5 years.

aLie2Live

So ask yourself what would give you peace (and now death is not an option)? Try volunteering at your local hospital or charity and give you a chance to make new friends.

So hear is a mind twister...your a man trapped in a womens body? Does that Make you straight or a lesbian? :D all kidding aside...

As humans age we change, and grow in different ways. I cant imagine being 80 someday (currently 50 but feel 80 most days) your thinking changes every day. Plant a seed of hope in your brain and hold on to it, give it water and let it grow. The redwoods did not grow in day and neither will your seed, but if you take care of it then it will tall and proud.