I guess you could call me a closet transsexual

[jamesmc (imported)]

Not much of an update but I came sooooooo close to telling my wife last night. We were just lying there and I thought long and hard about it and what the consequences might be. I think when I do decide to do it I will go at it like a fantasy. I know it wouldn't be 100% honest but it would be a way to get it out in the open. This is kind of what I did with my first wife. Something to the effect of........

Hey babe If you could fullfill your biggest fantasy, what would it be? She would tell me hers then I would tell her that I would like to be a women even if it was just for one day. At least then it would plant the seed so to speak for later discussion.

What do you all think of this? Again I know it's not 100% truthfull but at least it's getting it out there.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Jennifer,

Although I have lived alone for 13 years, I was married 20 years before that. I never had a second marriage and I have never been in any serious relationship with another woman. Not even long-term dating. Therefore, I may not have the best advice on this but I am not totally ignorant.

My ex-wife did not like change at all, which isn't so different from most of us. When I wanted to get her thinking about new possibilities for our life, it always went better if I took a go slow, gradual approach. This suggests to me that your 'fantasy' talk may be a good way to start your wife thinking. You could avoid shocking her with too much information that she is not ready to accept.

I suspect others will have better insights. As I said, my experience with women is really experience with one woman.

Best of luck,

Danya

[jamesmc (imported)]

Hi Danya,

I hope that it will then lead to her asking me questions so that I might explain alittle better what I am feeling and what I would like to occur. I guess in a way I would be taking a cowards approach to this but I don't have the courage to go about it any other way as of right now. She has never had a penis so she couldn't possible understand how foreign it feels to have one down there. I hope I can help her to understand. I also hope that she will make the connection as to why I don't want to engage in intercourse with her very often. This would be soooooo much easier if I didn't love her so much. If we were no longer together I could take the nessessary steps to begin HRT and start my transition. I would more than likely move away to another state so I could start anew. I have too many connections here to be able to transition without alot of pain.

I also have another snag in my life that is just adding up more stress. My wife lost her job and we are getting ready to lose our house. (We have only owned it for 4 months). We are making preparations right now to move back to Ky. The job she had was one of a kind for the area so our best bet is to head back to ky where we already own a home (weren't able to sell it so we leased it out). I am taking another position with the company I work with and she is seeking employment with her old employer.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Jennifer,

I don't think you are necessarily taking a cowards approach by introducing your desire as a fantasy. Only you know your wife and how much she can handle.

I am sorry to hear you both have the added stress in your life of job loss (your wife), losing your house and moving. When I was 31 or so, and still married, I was laid off and we had to move to another state for the new job I eventually found. I remember how stressful that was.

I hope things start to look up for you soon.

Hugs,

Danya

[punkypink (imported)]

Hey all this is my first post but I have been lurking on here for awhile reading and learning all I can. I have pretty much known all my life that there is something different about me. I have never felt right about my body or what it looks like. I use to sneak into my parents bedroom and look a magazines my stepdad had and wonder why I didn't have what those girls had between their legs. As the years have progressed I have grown to pretty much hate what I have down there. A little insite to my life.....

I am currently married and have 2 children that live with me. I have always done everything hyper-male (like hunt and fish) to try and suppress the feelings that I have but it has never worked. My wife and I used to have intercourse regularly but now it is maybe once every 2 weeks. I don't like having intercourse with what's between my legs right now. She gets upset when I don't want to have intercourse and I have thought about telling her my feelings. The truth is I love her very much and I don't want to lose her. I know that if I tell her what is going on she will leave me. She married a man not a female. I want so desperatly to finally have the body that matches my mind but I dont' see how I can without destroying my life. Up until now there was only one person on this planet that knows who I truely am. My buddy Richard. He is a homosexual man and is very understanding. I have

had interc

ourse with him on two occasions.

Even though I am not really attracted to men it was such a wonderfull feeling to finally be penetrated. My wife joked with me the other day about getting a sex toy. When I said I would enjoy seeing her use it she said she would like to use it on me. I of course said no way but I really wanted to say I would love to.

I know there really isn't anything you all an do for me bu

t I just wanted to get it out in the open with someone other than my friend. Thanks for listening.

Hi Jenn

1st I would like to applaude you for at least knowing you're a transsexual, and I'm assuming you do know the correct definition of a transsexual. Most transsexuals at your stage often just assume they're crossdressers, which of course is wrong. People think crossdressing is judged by one's physical sex, which of course it isn't. 1stly crossdressers are generally male-identified and enjoy wearing women's clothes for various other reasons. There is a lot of debate about whether transvestites are the ones who do it for sexual gratification or whether crossdressers are, but to nip that debate in the bud I'll use crossdressers here to broadly include everyone who's male-identified but wears women's clothing, and vice versa (f-identified, wears men's clothing).

So you have managed to identify that you are quite probably trans, possibly like 95% but I'm not a shrink so I can't say for sure. However in general, one of the things we say in the trans community is that if you feel like you're in a body with the wrong sex, you pretty much are trans. Next step is to perhaps actually talk to some psychs who properly understand what it's about, and not those whackjobs who try to "cure" you and make a straight manly man out of you.

From there on, you could probably get advice on how to deal with the issues that might arise, like your relationship with your family, your wife etc.You would also be able to slowly ease into being comfortable presenting yourself socially as female. You could likely get referrals if you feel you need hormones or even an op.

Certainly there's been lots said already. My personal experience of transitioning is that once you get the mind right, everything else will fall into place. My own transition was mostly work on the psychological aspects, with the help of a uni counsellor for a few months. She pretty much helped me get over some mental blocks, and from there on, my own strong determination and will took over. I pretty much look like I do in my display pic nowadays, and have been living fulltime for over 3 years without the aid of any hormones or surgery whatsoever. Sure I guess I got lucky and got some good genes (how good is debatable since they also included the trans gene! lol) but without sorting my mind out I'd never be able to have gone fulltime. So I guess my bit of advice to you is, yes, do whatever you feel you need with the physical aspects, but remember, the psychological aspect is the most important so please do not neglect it. I know so many other fellow TSes who have had so much hormones, surgery etc done and look so perfect that they begin to look fake or plastiky, and yet they dont feel they pass and are forever depressed, suffer from low self esteem and confidence etc. I don't wish you to become one of them.

Right, so good luck with the baby steps, its a long journey but we've all had to start with small steps. I'm sorry to hear about your financial difficulties, but I hope they're sorted out soon enough so that you can finally begin on the journey you want. Hope to see you at the end someday =)

[jamesmc (imported)]

Thank you for writing PunkyPink. I know I have a long way to go. When we get this move over with and I obtain insurance again then I am going to get some counseling. I am moving back to my hometown so I don't know if I will go locally or not. I have been to 2 different ones there in the past for depression but I didn't feel comfortable enough with them to discuss my "secret". I know this forum is far from a psychologist but I have found it to be extremely theraputic. It will be nice to discuss my situation with a doctor though because I know it will be my first "true" step to becoming who I truely am, Jennifer. Maybe they can shed some light on how to better approach my wife. This might be a silly question but would you rather see an female or male doctor? I would prefer a female because it seems like they would be able to relate so much better. One of the doctors I saw in Ky was a female but she was also my best friends mother-in-law. I know there is doctor client privilege but I couldn't risk it. BTW I think you are beautiful. I wish I was that pretty and passable at this point in life.

Thanks again,

[mrt (imported)]

It might be best to Google Therapists who regularly work with Transexual people. I'm not saying your "generic" therapist won't be able to help but an expert can guide you more directly to where you want to go.

Erica Ann might be able to give you some advise on how to approach your wife. I know that she was able to do this with her wife and they are still happy and together post op.

[punkypink (imported)]

Thank you for writing PunkyPink. I know I have a long way to go. When we get this move over with and I obtain insurance again then I am going to get some counseling. I am moving back to my hometown so I don't know if I will go locally or not. I have been to 2 different ones there in the past for depression but I didn't feel comfortable enough with them to discuss my "secret". I know this forum is far from a psychologist but I have found it to be extremely theraputic. It will be nice to discuss my situation with a doctor though because I know it will be my first "true" step to becoming who I truely am, Jennifer. Maybe they can shed some light on how to better approach my wife. This might be a silly question but would you rather see an female or male doctor? I would prefer a female because it seems like they would be able to relate so much better. One of the doctors I saw in Ky was a female but she was also my best friends mother-in-law. I know there is doctor client privilege but I couldn't risk it. BTW I think you are beautiful. I wish I was that pretty and passable at this point in life.

Thanks again,

Thank you Jenn. Don't worry about the doctor. The 1st true step is when you acknowledge theres something about yourself you need to address. The doctor is just a way of paving the road to letting the rest of the world see the person inside. Its not even a must, I never saw a doctor btw =)

When i picked my counsellor I picked a female one. I felt a woman would be able to understand and empahtise better. =)

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Jennifer,

I agree with punkypink. Both of my gender therapists have been women. While I have had no experience with a male gender therapist, my inclination is to go with a woman.

Hugs,

Danya

[devi (imported)]

Well if you happen to be like me and you have three sex chromosomes (XXY) then you are both an XY person AND an XX person. Do not let anybody tell you otherwise. I myself have a twin sister that likes to go out every now and then. I don't do it for sex. I don't do it to pick up anyone. I just do it anyway. Also my singing voice is soprano. So if I want to sing then...

:-\