There is a lie between us and they say the truth shall set me free. As many of you know I was castrated by a cutter. After joining and understanding how risky my path was to become a eunuch I did not tell of what went on before that day. I mentioned my fear was to be taken to the hospital where I worked for care after my castration. Because I had already received care.

My cutter had sent me a video of a castration he had performed. A young man I was working with at the time watched it with me. We watched it several times when he announced with some confidence that he could do it. I had a crush on the young man and found him quite handsome. I am not sure if it was my desperation to be a eunuch combined with a desire to have him between my legs but I said yes to him. To this day I think his motivation was simply because I wanted it and seemed to need it so much. The two of us gradually brought home all we would need to perform the castration.

My sister was out of town and I was pet sitting. We arranged to do the cutting during that time. The painters plastic drop cloths covered the dining room table and the carpets where the surgery was to be performed. I had brought goggles and facemasks to protect my friend since I did not know my HIV status at the time. He numbed me better than the cutter and began to open my scrotum. He had my scrotum open and began to open the inner sac. As my testicle was exposed he hit a bleeder and he used one of the cauterizers we had brought to stop the bleeding. When the blood spurted it hit him in the center of his forehead and he went very pale. I was afraid he was going to run out and leave me. At that point I told him to just put it back in and sew me up.

What was strange is I was scheduled to go to work the next day and somehow thought I would be able to work. The swelling and the drainage frightened me. I tossed and turned wondering if I should call 911 to take me to the ER. I finally fell asleep and woke up with one of the largest scrotums I had ever seen. I called off sick from work that day. As the swelling continued the sutures would rip out and I would have to resuture my scrotum. Since my body was numb to me at that time standing in front of a mirror and shoving that needle through my flesh was no big deal.

After about 12 days of swelling, draining and becoming pale enough to be called Casper I asked a urologist some questions and told him I had a problem. We went into a closed area and he examined the mess I had made of my scrotum. He kindly believed the lies I had told him while he decided how best to help me. I went to his office the next day and he provided me with very good care. During the next three months he packed the wound with sterile iodoform and dressed the wound. I wore a scrotal support under my underwear. He packed my scrotum three times a week while he and I were both working at the hospital. He would have me paged to assist him and we would go down to a surgery suite where he would have already covered the windows and prepared the supplies. He thought I was very stoic since I did not react to the pain but due to dissociation I was numb.

After I healed I told my cutter what I had done and he was not sure he would perform the castration. I was very upset at this point since one of my testicles was no longer protected by the inner lining and felt odd most of the time and I did not want either one. I had to send him pictures showing my friends incision and placement. Once he saw the pictures he felt he could do it and months later on 12/06/97 he came to Ohio to castrate me.

Luckily all went well and I did not need to receive months of care again. I was also working part-time at a pharmacy where I could pocket antibiotics. I have mentioned the length of time I had drainage but I am not sure if that was from the botched first attempt or something about me and not taking the time off needed after surgery.

I would like to thank Dr. Mike for his care and friendship. May you rest in peace. One of my greatest regrets was not moving in with you when you asked. I was not sure how many moving vans it would have taken to move all my emotional baggage to your home. Oh and during the days you were patching me up I was afraid my asshole rapist/stalker would follow me and I did not want him in your world. Of course you better than I could have taken care of that situation.

To the EA I have no more secrets. I felt foolish using a cutter and felt even more foolish to let someone try just because they watched a video. This may better show my level of desperation.

Thanks for sharing that took a lot of courage and at the same time it allowed a part of you to heel in side

I often look back on my journey and realize the blunders I went through to get where I am at today

You are a very lucky person, and I wish you the best

Well done for sharing with us all just what you went through,and the risks that come with letting someone who has no medical training do a castration.

Let us hope that your story will help those who are thinking of going down this road,and should it stop just one person from going there,then it will have been worth letting us all in to what pain you had to endure.

I am glad to read that you have got what you wanted,and that you are now doing a lot better.

Thanks Kennath7 and Chemcast Scot for your posts.

All this happened before I had a computer and was aware of the Eunuch Archive. I hope my sharing will help someone decide how not to do things. Tugon did it this way so I should do the opposite. Seriously the work done here on the EA is such a great resource for many who are struggling with our many issues. Since like most I now promote the safest and sanest way of doing things I thought I should post the risks I took to achieve my goal.

I am glad to have the opportunity to hear a little more about what you have been through. I know that you did have to take many risks to achieve your goals, and I am very glad that you have been able to do so. You have come a long way, and it is definitely important to share your story with others so that not only will they hopefully stay safe in whatever decisions they make, but also so that they will know they are not alone.

Thanks Plix for your post.

I talked about the risk but not much of the physical consequences. I had mentioned the scrotal swelling but I did not share how severe. My scrotum became so large before care by the doctor that I could not urinate standing up. My penis could not be directed to the toilet or urinal. When I would sit on the toilet I had to face the toilet tank and angle my body to urinate.

At the time I had a 34 inch waist but had pants from the time I had a 38 inch waist which I needed to wear to have room for my scrotum. I sure received lots of stares. Of course I used feminine pads to absorb the drainage. When not working I lived in sweat pants until I was back to somewhat normal size.

I took mom to Olive Garden for lunch during that time. I went to the restroom and when I sat down the stitches ripped out. I grabbed some toilet paper and made a makeshift pad for my underwear. Then I went back to the table like everything was fine. When I arrived home I went to the bathroom and grabbed a magnifying mirror. I held it between my legs and was shocked that I could see up into my scrotum. I paged a friend working at the hospital and had him grab me some suture kits. Back home I drove to stitch me shut. Several times in those 12 days I tried to reclose the incision.

Those 12 days were very frightening. I was trying to act like everything was normal. Only missed one day of work. I learned how much sterile packing it takes to fill a swollen scrotum. I was very lucky to receive good care without a hospitalization and without time in the hospital's psych unit. As I have mentioned before I worked at the hospital where I would have been admitted. Most importantly I was never terminated which had also been a great fear. I am still surprised how few questions I was asked. The doctor's focus was on helping me heal. I am glad I did not have to go back to him after my actual castration.

Hi, I found your message most interesting, as I am a candidate for castration, tried chemical cast for a while and loved the effects, except the energy loss. I am 62, my natural T level has dropped over the years, so the change should be less visible. Your testimony shows that exercise is very important to keep the body well functioning. I am retired but keep working for the sake of my mind...and my body. I live in a very large south american city and walk a lot. The hair around my crotch is greyish and much less abundant than before, I don't like hair and shave the area often.

My balls will certainly be gone before the year is out, I'll ask my doc about some HRT to maintain health and bone density, also I'd like to preserve my dick and not end up with a weenee, even if it's just good for pissing. Thanks to chemical cast my libido was gone, at last I was free of my ever demanding balls, and I slept better, the experience is positive, now I know for sure real cast is the next step.

Thanks Patrickchemcast for your response. I have to admit not knowing as much about chemical castration as I might like but physical castration was a great benefit for me. I hope it works well for you.

I checked your profile and it said you were from Paris, France and I wanted you to know I fell in love with Paris in May and June of the past year. I miss sitting on a bench on the Ponts des Arts watching boats travel the Seine.

Wishing you the best.

Valentine's Day is fast approaching and I thought I might rescue a dog. Sure a date would be nice but if I want something young and frisky sitting in my lap licking my face a dog would be the answer. The older couple I provide care for have a dog that provides much entertainment. Helping care for their dog has made me think about getting one for myself.

So many decisions, should I find a male or female. If male I would want it to be neutered. We can flip a coin later to see which of us is the Alpha Male. Maybe I should decide on breed first. I think a medium sized dog that would be fun to take to a park and play games. I am not interested in a dog that would fit in my purse. I would then have to buy a purse. I would want it to be friendly to others unless that other was breaking into the place. I would never want a dog that would bite someone and they would show up on their bike and put my dog in a picnic basket and pedal off to have it put down.

I would like a dog about two years old so it would be house trained. Preferably not a lot of shedding to vacuum up regularly. I would like a dog that likes to play but tires easily like it's owner. I have never enjoyed a biter so my dog should not be one that tries to bite my toes. I do not want a dog who is a gossip. The other dogs do not need to know how neurotic I am or that I cry at Extreme Home Makeover. Or that I try to emulate him when he licks himself. Fido show me one more time how you do it boy.

Oh hell I would have the responsibility of naming him. I am not sure if I am ready for a pet. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

A dog is a big responsibility. You are Master and Commander, and servant. Another life is completely dependent upon you. Pet food is not cheap. Time in each day must be allocated to walk the dog. This must be a problem in snowy cold places. Then if it gets ill, it can be very expensive for health care.

The Great Recession is one reason so many people turned in their dogs to animal shelters; they could not afford to feed or care for them.

Love and devotion are strong binds. One must have an emotional bond with a pet to overlook all of the difficulties of the relationship.

Pretty much like in relationships with people.

Some people would say that dogs are better though.

They don't talk back.

They bounce with joy to greet you when you come home.

(Are they happy to really see you, or just want to be fed and taken outside to pee?)

Good luck.