MONTH THREE, DAY THREE:
Wow... two months. It has now officially been a full two months and two days since I started on testosterone-blockers back on January 8th of this year. And a mere 7 days from now, it will officially be two full months on estrogen as well.
Wow... it's hard to believe that it's only been two months. It's hard to believe that, for FIFTEEN years before this, I was putting up with an endocrine system that felt wrong in every single way, putting up with testosterone masculinizing me against my will, putting up with emotions that weren't mine, and a body that wasn't mine, and that was my daily reality for so long. It already feels like it was a whole lifetime ago. When I look at the videos that I made on week one of this trial, it's reached a point where I seriously do not even recognize myself. I can't believe that that was me, and I especially can't believe that that was the me that I was seeing and listening to for my entire adult life. I honestly can hardly even remember what it was like to be that person, nor do I want to. And you know what? Two months ago, I never expected that this simple little "trial" that I decided to do with hormones would change my life so much. And yet it has. In every single way imaginable.
Yeah. It's been two months now. Two months of estrogen, two months since I've had testosterone controlling my life, and two months since my female self was finally freed from her mental prison after being trapped there for fourteen years. And after two months of physical changes, I am starting to feel like I really am now getting to the point of no return. The things that are happening to me now, they are starting to feel very much permanent. Everything has been minor up until now... a little nipple growth here, a little "feeling" different up there, some softer skin here, but as a whole it still just felt like changes that were being tacked on to a core body that was very much the same. Well... that is now starting to change. And that is the reason why I decided to do this entry today. Because I've started to be able to feel something absolutely amazing happening.
Right now, for the first time ever, it feels like my ENTIRE body is suddenly starting to change. The very way that it "feels" on a minute-to-minute basis is starting to change. And it's the absolute most amazing feeling that you can possibly imagine. I can literally feel my own body beginning to change genders. And it's not just a few external changes anymore, it feels like
on a core level, from the inside out, as though every single cell in my entire body is now
estrogen. Now when I put on my work uniform every day, I really do feel like it's a completely different body that is slipping into them. Every single thing that I do is starting to feel different. My skin feels completely different from head to toe. My cheeks feel different. (SO SMOOTH!) My arms and legs feel different. Somehow, the very core of my inner being is starting to feel female. And physically, for the first time ever, I'm starting to feel like a girl. There's just something about the way that I feel that has suddenly completely changed. Everything about me is starting to feel more pleasant and soft, more clean, more calm, more nice, more shapely. And that is just how every part of my body is starting to feel, from head to toe. It really is like I can feel my body's physical gender changing right there under my consciousness.
And you know what? This feeling is SO COOL!!! And I just can't describe in words how happy I'm feeling all of a sudden. As this new feminine feeling is starting to wash all over me, and I'm now for the first time starting to physically feel like a girl, there is just this tingly happiness that comes over me. I really can't find a good way to describe it, other than to say that it feels so "right." In every single way, it just feels like my body is finally becoming the way that it was meant to be in the first place. And it's almost like, as the estrogen is permeating every single cell, those very same cells are saying "Thank you!" It's starting to be that whenever I think about the way that my body feels, it just feels like there's this immense happy bubble that rises up from the pit of my stomach until it just fills my whole body with beautiful clean air, and there's this immense feeling of pleasure all over, a pleasure that says "YES! This is what your body was always meant to be!"
So yeah... I have officially reached the point of no return. Because the deeper I'm getting into this, the more I'm realizing just how transsexual I truly am. The more and more that things feminize, the happier with myself I get. And the physical changes are finally reaching the point where I can look in the mirror when I have my wig on, and I don't even see a guy in a wig anymore. All I see is a girl. And it actually makes me come close to crying sometimes when I have to take that wig back off, because it feels like I'm going back to being a self that's not the real me anymore.
And also, last time I mentioned that I was really starting to feel like a girl in my head as well... well, now that has pretty much also reached a critical point. You know how there are a lot of reports of HRT making trans-girls' emotions go completely haywire? They constantly feel like crying for the stupidest reasons? Well, although my emotional responses to things have been getting stronger for some time now, until this week I had never really experienced that hyper-sensitivity. That is, until now. Again, I don't know what triggered it, but as of this week suddenly I've started having those exact same "crying for no reason" incidents. There's a lot of times at work where I have to REALLY make an effort to stop myself from breaking out crying right in the middle of a poker table for no reason whatsoever. Oh, yeah, and when I watched "The Lion King" a few nights ago, it absolutely DESTROYED me emotionally. I have watched this movie literally a HUNDRED times. I've watched it so many times that I can still recite the ENTIRE script from memory. (I was a very obsessive kid.) And yet, in all of those hundred viewings, this was the very first time that Mufasa's death actually hit me on a deep level. It was BRUTAL! I almost had to turn the movie off because I was crying so hard, (real, genuine sobbing with actual tears coming ou
myself watch any more because seeing those scenes of Simba crying and Scar telling him that it was his fault... oh, God, I just could barely watch that. So yeah... that's pretty much where I've been emotionally now. If I was just starting to feel more like a girl in my head last week, now I completely do.
Needless to say, my mind also feels like it has completely changed. It now feels completely female as well. And honestly, I am having a bit of a tough time getting used to it. Because while I got a taste of "female stress" and female emotions a while ago, now they've completely taken over. And I'll admit that I am NOT used to it. As a guy, you are your own best friend when it comes to stress. All you need to do is get away from it all, give yourself some nice "me" time where you can just sit and chill and play some video games in a nice enclosed sanctuary, and the stress just goes away all on its own. And because I am so used to that response to stress, I'm still just naturally trying to use it. But that is not how my mind works any more. Guys may be their own best friends, but girls are their own worst enemies. So every time that I've naturally tried to deal with my stress in a male way like I always did, isolating myself has only made it worse and worse. Multiple times over the last few weeks, I've been stuck in depressive bouts, decided to just chill for a while to try and make it go away, but when I get into my own room, it does not leave me alone. It keeps bothering me and bothering me, and one thing starts making me stressed out about some new thing, and it just spirals completely out of control until all I want to do it lay in bed crying all day. That has happened before. I actually had to call off from work one night because I felt so crappy. And then the most amazing thing happened. I randomly did the exact opposite of what I usually do. Instead of shutting myself inside of my room and trying to ignore the stress, Jenny asked me what was wrong. And so I sat down and had a good talk about it. And suddenly, out of the blue, I started feeling better. And then I went outside, and then I watched some videos of cute kittens, and it was like the stress had never existed in the first place. And again, I have talked about this before, but I'm still having a bit of a hard time getting used to it. I have to remind myself "No. Your mind is female now. Isolating yourself will only make it worse. Get outside. Talk to people. Watch the neighborhood kids playing for a while. Play with the kitties. Do something that makes you feel socially connected, or activates your cuteness receptors. THAT is what makes stress go away now."
And I'm not kidding about this either. I used to be able to deal with stress almost instantly by just chilling. Where now, I've done nothing but chill for three days straight and yet the depressive bout STILL never left me alone. So when I say that my mind feels female, I am 100% serious. I feel like a girl now. My stress response has become stereotypically female, and the very way that I think has become female as well. I'm much better at multi-tasking, feeling like it's much easier to keep track of a bunch of things that are happening at once, and yet at the same time I feel a bit more scatter-brained, less able to focus on one task at a time. (For some reason, I just can't keep track of the pot size in Pot Limit Omaha as well as I used to, and I'm constantly forgetting which table I'm supposed to go to next after break.) Also, I have REALLY suddenly become a social creature. I'm quicker to talk to others, I enjoy talking more, I've actually gotten even more chatty than before, talking longer and longer and longer and knowing when to shut up even less than before. (If you can believe that... so hold on, guys, my entries are likely to get even LONGER and more detailed than they were even before. I know... Lord have mercy on all of your souls. :p) And for some reason, I just seem to have a natural desire to want to talk to people now, and share my experiences, and feel that feeling of kinship and friendship. I just seem to want it more now for some reason, and it feels more natural rather than being a chore like it always was. (I NEVER talked to people a guy. I just immediately slunk over into the corner and tried not to make eye contact with anyone.)
So yeah... pretty much, at about the two-month mark, I'm now starting to feel pretty much completely female, especially in the mind, but now in the body too. And every single day, my "girl mode" is starting to feel more natural, feel like that is the true me, while my "boy mode" is starting to feel more and more wrong. And since I'm definitely starting to pick up some butt fat, definitely have boobs now (They had a SERIOUS growth spurt yesterday, and are really getting sore now,) plus my cheeks have really starting to get smooth and round, and my cheekbones are really starting to become prominent, making me look better and better in my wigs with every single day, my confidence has really started to go up. I'm once again genuinely thinking of pushing my transition time frame up. I have the next two days off, and I've finally decided that I'm going to bite the bullet and dive in head-first, officially buying Dermablend to cover my beard shadow and shopping for some women's shirts, and I'm going to start part-timing. I really do feel like it's time. And I really do feel like it's reached the point where my face is feminine enough that I'd feel comfortable.
My childhood best friend Jennifer (yes, the same Jennifer from my "Me & My Best Friend" story,) as well as some very positive reinforcement from Susan's transgender forums, have been a huge inspiration physically in regards to finally convincing me that I can really do it. Because Jennifer is an ex-basketball player, who played Division-I NCAA basketball for Kent State. As such, she is even taller than me, by a whopping 2 inches. (I'm 6'1", she's 6'3".) And because of all of the weight training and athleticism that she did, she actually has arms that are as big as mine are. (Hell, she actually has wider shoulders.) And when I was looking at some recent pictures of her, I actually have a BETTER figure than her. She really doesn't have any curves, and is very blocky, while I actually have a very defined curve to my waist and hips. And yet, there is NO doubt whatsoever that Jennifer is a girl in her pictures. So if she can do it, so can I. And I need to realize that it's okay, it's no big deal. With the right hair/makeup combo, and the right presentation, I really do believe that I'll be able to go out in public as a girl. And not in some distant fa
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r-off future where I've feminized more. NOW. I'm getti
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ng serious about this. I feel like a girl completely in my head, and my body's beginning to match, so why not? It's just me being myself, for the first time in my entire adult life. I genuinely am starting to feel like I'm ready. And again, as things are feminizing more and more, my happiness and my confidence are just constantly going up. My new life is waiting!
I'm also getting VERY serious about my diet as of now. I've been cheating a lot for the last 2 weeks, and my weight loss has kind of plateaued as a result. It's only gone down by like 2 pounds since my last update. And I went through a HUGE frustration bout this morning where I was getting really depressed about my weight, so I really feel like it's time to get serious. No more carbs. At all. No more cheese, no more onion rings, no more broccoli cheese soup, no more mayonnaise on my eggs, no more sugary salad dressings, and no more fruit. (Yes, that can cause certain people's weight loss to stall, especially girls. And since I have a female metabolism now, well... it's worth a chance.)
Also, in order to make sure that I'm giving my body the absolute best chance that it has to feminize fully, and build all of the new tissues that it needs to build, and go through all of the changes that it needs to change, I have added some dietary suppliments to my daily routine. These three things are:
1. A multivitamin. (Definitely need it since I'm going on a VERY restrictive diet for the sake of losing weight fast.)
2. Fish Oil (Omega-3's are absolutely essential to brain growth and function, plus help with inflammation [awesome at helping me with my work-related muscle fatigue.] And Lord knows I need both of those with all of the achy muscular changes going on, and how roller-coastery my emotions have been of late.)
3. Biotin [this is the big one.] (A seriously important nutrient that is necessary for all cell growth, the production of fatty acids, and has been shown to aid in the growth of healthy hair, nails, and fatty tissues of all sorts. Someone on Susan's has been taking it, and her results are absolutely AMAZING, so I decided to give it a go myself. Maybe this is why I suddenly started feeling so different physically so quickly? With all of the cellular changes I'm going through, this is DEFINITELY something that is likely helping.)
Anyway, I've gone on long enough now. That's what's been going through my head for the last week and a half. (Man, has it really been that long since my last entry?)
I look forward with eager anticipation to every single feminizing change that is going on, I am embracing my new identity with open arms, and I only hope that the time required before I can officially transition will be a short one. I love every single thing about my new female self. THIS is me! And I love it!
This really is what estrogen does. It really is like clicking a switch over from "male" to "female," and every single part of the body seems to respond to it, and it really does change the gender of your entire body, really making you feel like you're a girl from head to toe, even if you don't quite look like one yet. And again, I LOVE IT!!!
Lots of love,
-Carrie
(Side note: THREE THOUSAND WORDS... officially my longest entry ever, by nearly 700 words. Sheesh... like I said, I really am becoming more talkative. And again, may God have mercy on all of your souls... :p)