As a eunuch I was always looking to the past for the cause of my need to be a eunuch. I now feel that dealing with my gender issues of male to eunuch were separate from my abuse issues. I am not sure how to put this in words but I think being eunuch is now a more positive state since I no longer think it was based on tragic events of my childhood. Since my gender is a unique part of me I think I can take greater pride in myself since it was not created in a dark time. Certainly there may be a little overlap but one did not create the other.

While watching the third episode of Oprah where she was helping men who were abused as children I gained some insights. I listened to the men talking about how the abuse had affected their lives. Much of what was said I could relate to but not all. Wow 200 men in one room with many of the same feelings, struggles and inabilities that I have. From the first episode where it was only Tyler Perry opening up to Oprah, then the 200 sharing the devastation of their lives and finally spouses and significant others talked about the difficulties in relationships. I was finally able to see my abuse as a separate entity with all its own issues.

As was discussed on the show the abuse leads to inferiority and worthlessness. This is what kept me trapped in years of abuse. Again nothing to do with my desiring to be eunuch. When I think that from childhood to 41 years of age there was someone physically abusing me and 46 years of age until I stopped all the verbal abuse. I was even able to convince my mother to stop calling me sissy, fat ass and whale.

One of the most interesting points for me was when a gentleman stood up and said the myth that men who have been abused will become abusers keep many of us silent about the abuse. That struck me because I avoided much contact with my niece and nephews since I heard it so many times and I never wanted to abuse. Then I looked into my heart and realized I was not an abuser. Sure I can get tired of people and their issues but to abuse, that is not me. Working in health care you would not want someone to think you might become abusive.

I am pleased I saw all the shows. I have a better understanding of me and a greater pleasure being a eunuch. Now I know what I have to work on has nothing to do with my gender. I am more free to enjoy my uniqueness, living in the middle between male and female.

One of the joys in caring for the elderly is being exposed to their old prejudices. A client today mentioned that he thought his son's housemate "was a queer". I thought about mentioning that the person who just washed his back and butt was a queer. Of course I was not in the mood to do CPR so I kept my mouth shut. I wonder if he knows his son is gay and why two of his great grandchildren have two mothers. It is tough at family gatherings to swing a dead cat and not hit one.

I find it frustrating when I am giving very good care to someone and if they knew I was gay I might be fired. I have been fired from jobs for being gay. Now when I get close to people and the thought that their old prejudices could totally change their opinion of me I am saddened.

I am proud of all the actors, musicians, politicians and others who have come out and I will be proud of our men and women in the military when they can come out after Don't Ask Don't Tell is repealed. Next time I have him in the shower for me it will be don't tell. Nothing worse than an old, soapy, sudsy and angry man in the shower.

but the look on his face after you tell him will be priceless

kennath7 (imported) wrote: Sat Dec 04, 2010 7:51 pm but the look on his face after you tell him will be priceless

Thanks Kennath, he is an old Navy man and if he drops the soap he comments that he learned in the Navy not to pick it up. I would like to reassure him that I am a catcher and not a pitcher but not sure if he would get it. Yes that look would be priceless but that gasp for air and stopping of the heart might effect my income.

I would think that rushing to the TV to watch the Nate Berkus show might be a clue. Nate, Nate make me redecorate.

I just noticed it is after midnight and now 12/06/10. Thirteen years ago and several hours from now I would nervously wait in a motel room to meet my fate. My day to become a eunuch.

I find it hard to remember the old me or at least how I felt in those days. I do remember my behaviors and I am glad they are behind me. What a day that was to be. A friend of mine was with me and he had a friend of his with him. His friend broke out in a cold sweat and I thought he was going to pass out. I guess not everyone enjoys a surgery. Since a man had opened up my scrotum and was fairly involved in what he was doing I did not want his friend passing out and taking focus from me. I am not normally self involved but that day I did want to be the center of attention.

After surgery his friend went and picked up some pizzas and my friend left. I enjoyed a few pieces of pizza and some diet pop to drink. His friend left I think wanting to distance himself from the somewhat illegal activity that just took place.

The day was not the fantasy I had imagined for such a life changing event. I blogged one time about becoming a eunuch as being similar to becoming a vampire. A vampire gives up daylight and a eunuch gives up some of the passions of a human life. In my fantasies the man to remove my testicles would be handsome of face and handsome of heart. My cutter was neither handsome nor kind. He did get the job done.

Today I celebrate the new me. Actually I have enjoyed most of the past 13 years. I have healed and life is good. Of course as always I need to thank the EA. I found the EA several years after my castration and reading others experience helped me define the new me. thefraj and Jesus reached out to me and support from others gave me a sense of community. Since those days I have enjoyed the kind responses, reputation points and Private Messages from members. I do not know if my posting has helped anyone else but it has helped me to share. Thanks to those who have read my ramblings.

Today I am a male to eunuch transgender and as a eunuch I am at my happiest. I hope everyone can achieve their dreams to be their happiest. Peace.

Thinking back thirteen years I am thinking about how my body looked in those days. Or should I say what 13 years without T has done to my body. There are times I miss how the old body looked. I do not miss how the mind acted with T. I would certainly choose now over then.

Weight gain was something I dealt with both pre and post castration so it is no surprise I deal with weight issues today. The difference is in where the weight has shifted. Oh those fat upper thighs are much fun. My thighs certainly do not look as male as they once did and men's pants can be a little tight in the thigh area. In the past when I gained weight I was more of an apple and now I am an apple and a pear. My butt also looks more feminine.

In the past I had physical jobs and worked out frequently. I would enjoy riding my bike so I was in better shape. I was never heavily muscled but would attract some attention. One day at the hospital after changing from my scrubs to jeans and a t-shirt I remembered I left something at a nurses station. When I went up to retrieve it a teenage girl working as a unit clerk said "wow you're buff". A lot of the muscle is gone and some of my strength and I think today I might hear "wow you're puffy". Again it has been worth it.

Body hair is another attribute that fades over time. I still have some on my chest and lower back but it is very fine and not readily noticeable. Hair on my legs is very fine and difficult to see. I was rather hairy during my peak years. Not as much as some but more than I wanted. Pubic hair is definitely in the feminine delta pattern. Sadly the hair in the ears keeps growing.

As far as breast development I will know for sure when I lose weight. I think I might have had a little but with the weight gain it is tough to tell the difference between breast development and fat. Skin is softer and drier much like a post menopausal woman. Due to shrinkage my penis is retracted much of the time unless coaxed out for some fun. I used to think about penectomy but most times it does not look like I have one. My empty scrotum is drawn up and again I see no reason in having it removed.

I should add that I was castrated 41 and I am now 54 so my body would be going through changes as part of the aging process. Of course the changes from aging and a natural decrease in T my body would have not changed as much as with castration.

For those considering castration without T replacement I wanted to share the changes in my body. Effects may vary for you. As we love to say your mileage may vary.

Wow what a great time. No not New Years Eve but New Years day celebrating my uncles life and remembering his death a year ago today. As I mentioned in another post we combined our New Years celebration with a Mass and celebration of my uncle's life. The Irish Catholics had a good time today.

Three o'clock we descended on my aunt's house with much food and lots of wine, beer and flavored vodkas. Pork and sauerkraut in the oven to cook with mashed potatoes being prepared on the stove top. Lots of appetizers to enjoy while the food was cooking. Lots of talk and memories over the sound of corks opening and ice being dropped in glasses. Busy exchanging many of my uncle's favorite expressions.

We had been talking and laughing so much we almost forgot to watch the time. It was time to eat the main meal along with a little more beverage to keep the mood going. Next of course time to head to church. I was so glad when they brought out the incense since the family had just feasted on pork and kraut and mashed potatoes. Gas with all those candles lit could have been a problem.

After dinner we went back to my aunt's house to have a few more drinks and conversation. A neighbor of hers brought the local paper and we pulled her into the party. Her glass and plate were never empty. She kept saying she just stopped by to bring the paper. I told her we all knew how much she helped during those times and she was family, so enjoy. We drank, laughed and she mentioned this was better than sitting home alone. I told her anytime you see our cars gathered she is welcomed to join us.

Something dawned on me today. We may not be very good at the holidays or birthdays but when someone needs support we can rise to the occasion. I think much like my work I can be more supportive of someone in pain than to celebrate the day to day events. Today was a perfect example of how the family can pull together. Sure your birthday might be forgotten but if you are down and out everyone will be there to support. I am happy to be reminded of this today.

The only comment to cause curiosity this first day of the New Year was spoken by my sister. Someone mentioned domestic violence and she said that was not a part of our lives. I was surprised by this since we had spoken of the time dad pushed mom down the stairs and I had shared what dad had done to me. There was violence growing up and I wondered how she could block it.

I think now in her adult state she thinks of life beginning after we moved away from dad. She is right that life became safer for all of us after our escape. I just did not know she chose to ignore the first eight years. That may be easier to do when you are not the victim but the observer. Of course I have read that witnessing abuse is psychologically as bad as going through it yourself.

I have to say this living in denial is not good for my sister's mental health or ability to get along with people. I think her facing up to the past might help her be happier today and I may mention that again this year.

Some times the hardest thing to do is to face up to your past

chemcast scot (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 03, 2011 9:18 am Some times the hardest thing to do is to face up to your past

I agree facing the past can be tough. For me I have felt I needed to sort out and try to understand my past. I needed to build a stronger foundation to grow and move forward. I have found more happiness and greater self love than I ever thought possible. Yes it all came from my facing the past. I would like to help my sister find a new level of happiness.