Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just arrived at my parents' house in the Chicago area. Had an emotional time as I got closer to the neighborhood -- feel like such a failure. Went off to do missions years ago; now I'm back to where I started, and without wife and son.

Picked up a 49yo hitchhiker today. He separated from his wife a month ago. Told him about my split, saying I had "issues" that would remain secret. He said he had two friends with their problems too. As we went along, I revealed my issues. Guess what? One of his two friends is transsexual and "going for the whole thing including the surgery." Small world. The other friend is gay.

On another note: Been looking for alternatives to full transition. Was thinking some of my social goals could be met if my male presentation conveyed to females "HARMLESS -- NOT A THREAT." So, here is an opportunity for you to make suggestions on appearance. Loss of muscle bulk (from castration) is already helpful. Longer, more feminine hairstyle. No beard. (Guess we're talking effeminate, right?) Other thoughts?

Terri

[plix (imported)]

I am glad to hear you made it to Chicago safely. Just remember to keep your needs in mind and do not let others change you to someone you are not. If you really want a full transition, go for it. If you can't be happy any other way, don'

t deny yourself this opportunity.

Somebody who smiles is usually perceived as less threatening. Longer hair can sometimes be perceived as more threatneing, depending on who you ask. General friendliness can't hurt. I don't see you as a threatening person when I look at your picture. May I ask what these social goals you have are?

[bryan (imported)]

May I ask what these social goals you have are?

Hi Plix,

Transwomen find great satisfaction on those occasions when they are admitted into the "inner circle" with women. My desires are no different. What I'm thinking, however, is if I can make enough satisfying friendships with females while in male mode (but "out" as a TS), maybe full transition isn't necessary. After all, transition can alienate GGs and female family members, so that would be counterproductive. I can't expect to reach the "inner circle," but maybe I can make inroads that normal males can't. On the plus side, I won't encounter awkward questions about periods and won't have to invent a personal history as a girl.

There's still a desire for modest breasts and getting rid of Mr. Dangly-Thing. Such things could be accomplished but remain under wraps (i.e., male mode). Wouldn't be able to go swimming at the pool, but can survive without that.

You know what, though? I don't know what I'm talking about. This is all experimental, changing from day to day, all a matter of finding out what is necessary to keep suicidal depression at bay.

* * *

Hi all,

Found a place to live (and signed on the dotted line). Will be living with a female a few years older, plus some cats. Neighborhood is cosmopolitan/liberal. Apartment-mate is aware of all my issues. (Guess I'm a compulsively open person. Terrible at lying.) She was a little concerned when I mentioned depression because a former tenant had attempted suicide. Told her I do fine as long as the female identity doesn't have to be repressed.

Really looking forward to living there. Of the places looked at, it was the only one which didn't have a temporary feel to it. That is, it's actually a desirable place to live, with a congenial apartment-mate, instead of being a place that makes you want to find other accommodations fast.

Terri

[plix (imported)]

Unfortunately I found that even among women who knew of my gender issues, I was not admitted to that prized "inner circle" but was continued to be treated as a man. It is extremely difficult for people, including me, to see someone as one gender when that someone presents and looks like the other.

Don't rush this process. I am always going back and forth probably because I am always doing things too fast. Only a few people need full transition to survive. Most are happy somewhere in between.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Snapshot of latest thinking of whether to transition or not:

1. Putting transition "on the shelf" makes me dysfunctional: unproductive and suicidally depressed. When I put transition back on the docket, I'm able to function again. (Saw a doctor this week. According to the bloodwork, there isn't a chemical basis for my depression. She recommended against an antidepressant since the reason for depression, GID, is so clear. She said I should transition.)

2. Are my struggles from lack of T? After all, depression is a common side-effect of castration. No, I can't take T again. Remember: T was the problem. I had the symptoms of a high-intensity TS and was in danger of self-mutilation. Castration eased the crisis.

3. Should I just "buck up," i.e., put transition on the shelf forever and take antidepressants the rest of my life? I have reservations with this option. What do we think of people who use alcohol or drugs to dull their emotional pain? That's all I'd be doing with antidepressants: dulling my pain. Antidepressants can't change gender identity.

4. I'm obviously conflicted. Part of me wants transition, another part doesn't. Going to have to ponder this area further, to see if I'm being honest with myself. Are my protestations against transition a sham? Is suicidal depression revealing my heart?

5. Two things I've learned: You can't negotiate with hot flashes, and you can't trifle with suicidal depression. So what if I did "buck up" and forestall transition permanently, maybe even taking T, etc.; what happens if it all crumbles apart at some point? What if the antidepressant loses effectiveness, and male-pattern baldness has already set in? I WOULD BE A MESS!

6. Finally, I'm Christian. I need to hear from the Lord what He wants me to do. The evidence thus far suggests He would have me transition. That goes against common wisdom, so I'm going to listen more. Unfortunately, there are probably no objective voices when it comes to transition. Family has a vested interest to keep things together, keep things quiet. Secular therapists see little reason to hold back. Religious counselors don't have an understanding of GID.

I understand the words, "Judge not, lest ye be judged" in a way I never did previously. Before, it seemed everybody was operating by choice, and "me and my people" were the ones making the good choices. Now, it seems people have less choice than previously imagined, and death would be a nice alternative to struggling with moral ambiguities, ostracization, and membership in despised/marginalized minority classes. Guess it's like anything else: A group is good, and membership in the group is good, until the group turns against you. Then you do a re-evaluation.

Terri

[mrt (imported)]

Hi all,

Snapshot of latest thinking of whether to transition or not:

1. Putting transition "on the shelf" makes me dysfunctional: unproductive and suicidally depressed. When I put transition back on the docket, I'm able to function again. (Saw a doctor this week. According to the bloodwork, there isn't a chemical basis for my depression. She recommended against an antidepressant since the reason for depression, GID, is so clear. She said I should transition.)

2. Are my struggles from lack of T? After all, depression is a common side-effect of castration. No, I can't take T again. Remember: T was the problem. I had the symptoms of a high-intensity TS and was in danger of self-mutilation. Castration eased the crisis.

3. Should I just "buck up," i.e., put transition on the shelf forever and take antidepressants the rest of my life? I have reservations with this option. What do we think of people who use alcohol or drugs to dull their emotional pain? That's all I'd be doing with antidepressants: dulling my pain. Antidepressants can't change gender identity.

4. I'm obviously conflicted. Part of me wants transition, another part doesn't. Going to have to ponder this area further, to see if I'm being honest with myself. Are my protestations against transition a sham? Is suicidal depression revealing my heart?

5. Two things I've learned: You can't negotiate with hot flashes, and you can't trifle with suicidal depression. So what if I did "buck up" and forestall transition permanently, maybe even taking T, etc.; what happens if it all crumbles apart at some point? What if the antidepressant loses effectiveness, and male-pattern baldness has already set in? I WOULD BE A MESS!

6. Finally, I'm Christian. I need to hear from the Lord what He wants me to do. The evidence thus far suggests He would have me transition. That goes against common wisdom, so I'm going to listen more. Unfortunately, there are probably no objective voices when it comes to transition. Family has a vested interest to keep things together, keep things quiet. Secular therapists see little reason to hold back. Religious counselors don't have an understanding of GID.

I understand the words, "Judge not, lest ye be judged" in a way I never did previously. Before, it seemed everybody was operating by choice, and "me and my people" were the ones making the good choices. Now, it seems people have less choice than previously imagined, and death would be a nice alternative to struggling with moral ambiguities, ostracization, and membership in despised/marginalized minority classes. Guess it's like anything else: A group is good, and membership in the group is good, until the group turns against you. Then you do a re-evaluation.

Terri

Hi Terri

I have a theory that healthy levels of hormones (male or female) are important for our mental health. I was going through anxiety attacks and all sorts of mental head spinning until I went on HRT. In your case the decision to go with Estrogen/Progesterone or Testosterone is the million dollar question. If your doctor is telling you anti depression meds are not for you - for Gods sake listen! These things can make you not care which is not the solution. If your not with your wife any longer and don't plan to be what stops you from seeking relief with Estrogens and Progesterone? It seems to me that this is worth a trial run to see if it relieves your depression problems. I know that Testosterone worked for me. I "think" getting some hormones into your system will help you as well! And once your on HRT I think mapping out your near future will be much easier to do.

[bryan (imported)]

I have a theory that healthy levels of hormones (male or female) are important for our mental health... In your case the decision to go with Estrogen/Progesterone or Testosterone is the million dollar question... what stops you from seeking relief with Estrogens and Progesterone? It seems to me that this is worth a trial run to see if it relieves your depression problems. I "think" getting some hormones into your system will help you as well!

Mr. T,

Yes, you won't get any argument from me. I would like to start taking estrogen. However, haven't had enough sessions with my gender therapist to get her approval, and the medical doctor I saw this week wasn't willing to prescribe a trial dose. The doctor feared such a prescription would look weird to anybody doing oversight. I would like to try some estrogen, just to see what effect it has on my psyche. Seriously considering self-medicating since gender therapy is currently on hold due to lack of job.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Guess I'm talkative today. Pondered the BIG ISSUES over lunch today. Some insights/conclusions:

1. The suicidal depression is made out of the same stuff of whatever drove me to obsessively/compulsively seek ways to diminish/damage my male equipment prior to castration. Back then, I was like a female who had woken up to discover a penis between her legs. There was anguish then, and the anguish continues -- in a little different way.

2. If I were male inside, it would be silly/foolish to have pain over not being a female. But since I am female inside, the emotional pain of having a male body is real. The pain stems from physical aspects (ugly male body), social aspects (excluded from female circles), and role (would like to take care of children). Normally it would be wrong/misplaced to suffer suicidal depression over unattainable things. Advice would be: "C'mon! Don't dwell on what you can't have. Move on and get a life." However, the combined experience of TS's and our relationship to suicide says something else is happening besides mere desire.

3. I would like to fulfill my vows by being a husband and father. But not at the expense of my personality. I am unwilling to take lessons in being male.

4. Although I was willing to sacrifice my own desires in order to be a husband and father,... Let's stop there right there and examine the words. Being a husband and father is supposed to be fulfilling, yet I considered it a sacrifice? Yes, and a sacrifice I couldn't bear for long, since I was longing for death. So it is a sacrifice I am unable to make because death becomes strongly attractive under the circumstances.

* * *

So much for the brain. Let's look at the heart:

What are my dreams? To be female on the outside. Also, to take care of young children as a female.

Do I want to transition? YES. The only thing that holds me back is an assortment of fears: fear over employment issues, fear over passing, fear over ostracization during the awkward inbetween stage, and fear over voice. Obviously, I'll have to overcome my fears because they aren't reason enough to avoid transition.

* * *

An observation: You know how one likes to be noticed by members of a particular sex? Realized today I would like to be noticed by men. This is so weird. Attention from a female wouldn't do a thing for me.

Terri

[mrt (imported)]

Mr. T,

Yes, you won't get any argument from me. I would like to start taking estrogen. However, haven't had enough sessions with my gender therapist to get her approval, and the medical doctor I saw this week wasn't willing to prescribe a trial dose. The doctor feared such a prescription would look weird to anybody doing oversight. I would like to try some estrogen, just to see what effect it has on my psyche. Seriously considering self-medicating since gender therapy is currently on hold due to lack of job.

Terri

I hope you will not self medicate. Those of us (And you soon I hope) that are on HRT have to be closely tied to a Doctor who understands hormone treatment. I don't know so much about estrogen and progesterone but taking testosterone can be bad news if you take too much or already have any cancer. Costs of medications are a curious thing. Female HRT is not super expensive and always ask the doctor about "samples" and explain you are between jobs. Some of the companies that sell meds have a plan for people who need help. And lets face it any company that comes to your rescue with Estrogen and Progesterone now will probably have a customer for life. Its not like you can stop (nor can or would I) I really don't know if hearing this helps. But all my mental issues of anxiety, stress and just pissed off mood burned off like a fog when I went on HRT. I assume your feeling just crappy and such. There IS a light at the end of this tunnel. When you start on some regiment of HRT it will make a huge difference for you. *I think. So don't give into depression and NEVER get self disctructive. You are a young person with a long life to live. Hang in there. Your just getting your "Menopause" out of the way now

[plix (imported)]

I am not going to tell you not to self-medicate because I know that for some self-medication is the only option. I know how irritated I always felt when people who could afford out-of-pocket private medical care would tell me that self-medication is wrong. I have self-medicated on and off for over a year, and without it I would not have been able to take hormones.

That being said, if you are going to self-medicate, understand there are risks involved. Technically there are mild legal risks, although I have never heard of a case where they were enforced (in the case of E self-medication, anyway - T is far more difficult to accomplish and carries more serious legal risks).

But the most important are the health risks. If you choose to purchase from a foreign pharmacy, choose one that is known to be reliable. There are many scams out there, and many who deliver fake or incorrect and possibly dangerous meds.

And even the correct medication and dose can be dangerous. There are serious health risks involved even with using E under medical supervision. Some of these are liver damage, blood clots, stroke, heart attack, and others.

They can be fatal. I have heard of cases where people self-medicating have died or came close it. Perhaps your doctor would at least be willing to monitor you. If not, you'll have to consider whether you are willing to take the risk. There is more risk for you than for me because you are much older.

Do plenty of research. I did not go into self-medication blindly. I had looked up reliable information on dosage and methods. Oral is the most dangerous and the other methods (transdermal, injection) are less dangerous. Taking a low-dose aspirin daily can help reduce some of the risk of clotting.

Basically, don't take these risks lightly, but also realize that for some this is the only option. Do what feels right for you and not for anybody else.