My life

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

Danya and Erica Ann, you both are real blessings. I am so proud of you. I dare not say too much or I will be admonished by one more powerful than I.. But God bless you both.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Danya. This sounds like a very good idea based on the symptoms you have been experiencing. I believe our doctor will agree.

Hi Erica Ann,

I cannot believe that doing injections twice a week at half the dose, instead of once a week, is the one thing I forgot to discuss with our doctor. :-\

I'll talk about my hormone levels, which are still a problem, in another post.

It's quite normal to experience some anxiety when facing major surgery. It was also the first time I ever spent in a hospital myself, but it was not the unpleasant experience I thought it would be and yes this surgery is somewhat painful especially the first few days, but after the first few days the recovery became easier and easier. The recovery period is why I suggested that someone accompany you. You will find that it it very reassuring to have someone with you and for the assistance they can offer with simple tasks like just getting up out of a chair. One other girl who had her GRS the same day I had mine was there alone and it was much more difficult for her. The final outcome is well worth the temporary pain and discomfort.

I am going to assume that my experience will be similar to yours. After surgery, I will have some pain but not unbearable pain. I'm certain having someone there to help is a great idea.

Be careful with that thought. By law they may not being able to share this information, but people do tend to "gossip" especially with what I call "interesting information" if you know what I mean.

I agree with you.

There are always risks in life, but you have faced risks before like the decision to transition and have come through just fine. Taking risks in life is what makes life interesting and worth living.

I have taken a number of rather large risks in my life, generally after giving things a lot of thought first.

The only way I was able to move forward with transitioning was to stop relying on thinking and trust my feelings (or the Force, or.... ). Now I need to trust my feelings, too.

I spoke with our doctor about this last night. Although I'm not certain his opinion is unbiased, I know he says exactly what he thinks. I gave a summary of where I am at in my life, my finances, job prospects, transition and what I want most from life. I told him I would view him as a wise uncle. [Eventhough at times he can talk like a 'wise ass' uncle, which I somehow find endearing.] In light of everything I told him, he immediately responded that my decision to keep my April 19 surgery date makes perfect sense.

We all have our own reasons for wanting the surgery, but the best one I can think of is doing for ourselves. There was a great feeling of finally being "complete" in my own mind when I awoke after my GRS. For the first time in my life my body and my mind were one in being. Do it for you if no one else.

This is exactly what I want, for my mind and body to match. The mind and body do not exist apart.

[Danya (imported)]

Danya and Erica Ann, you both are real blessings. I am so proud of you. I dare not say too much or I will be admonished by one more powerful than I.. But God bless you both.

Hi OneBallBoi,

You are such a sweetheart

. Thanks for your kind words.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

My new employer is happy with my work. Late Friday, my boss told me that he had received excellent reports from people within his group. This was good to hear. At the downtown job, my boss always went to special pains to emphasize that people outside her group were thrilled with my work.

For now, I have no idea if I will be offered a permanent job. I learned last week that the company has a hiring freeze. My boss told us that this very well may be temporary.

Tuesday morning, I will lead a meeting to discuss my work, get feedback and find out ways to help on additional projects.

My new boss also told me that I am "stealth but do excellent work." I in no way think he was implying I am living in "stealth" mode. He meant stealth as 'unobtrusive.' I have always kept a low profile on jobs, partly as self-protection. When I had a higher profile job as a research chemist, I also got more hassle from management. There was no way I could avoid getting heavily involved in laboratory and corporate politics. Sticking to my own work and concerns as much as possible, however, served me well.

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Although my estrogen level is higher on injections and approaching the minimum my doctor prefers for TS patients, he said my testosterone is now too low. It is, in fact, below the test detection limit. This may be why I feel so low on energy. I'm going to get in at least

45 minutes of walking every day to try to alleviate t

="Danya (imported)" time=1292968260]
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Thursday afternoon, I had an ultrasound exam for gallstones. I should find out what's going on by late Monday.

[Danya (imported)]

After giving it some thought, I decided to delete the very serious parts of this post. For the first time, it was not therapeutic for me to write about certain things. What follows is much shorter than the original.

I got the good news last night that my gallbladder is 100% normal. Hooray! No gallstones, no possible need for surgery. I may have a peptic ulcer. After I filled him in on some details, my doctor agreed that if I have an ulcer it may be medication related. We'll find out.

I also spoke with the good doctor, again, about my 'too low' testosterone level. Natal women have some testosterone. Mine is

below the test detection limit.

I asked if this could account for my low energy and down moods. This is when he chimed in with "You seem to be doing fine." C

onsidering everything going on in my life, I am.

He agreed that we probably need to do something about my relative lack of testosterone. So the next time I see him, in a few weeks for blood work, we will discuss starting testosterone injections, at a low level of course. In fact, I will make an appointment for as soon as I can get one. I cannot wait a few weeks. I'm having trouble dealing with feeling tired nearly every waking moment. I feel tired when I get up, through the day, and I no longer experience my 'night person' energy. Too low testosterone in women is also associated with depression. Bingo! This has got to stop, and soon.

[JessicaH (imported)]

I really hope that a little T does the trick for you. It sound like it may very well be the cause of your down mood and low energy.

Big hug, Stacy

[Danya (imported)]

I really hope that a little T does the trick for you. It sound like it may very well be the cause of your down mood and low energy.

Big hug, Stacy

Hi Stacy,

It's always good to hear from you.

I have a Friday evening appointment with my HRT doctor. He let me know the last time I saw him that testosterone HRT would be good for me. When he said that, my first thought was "This is really strange. " Even though I understand the role T plays in natal women. HRT with estradiol I totally get, of course, as a male-to-female transsexual. I know other MtF trans

sexuals. None, to my knowledge, h

as a T level that is below the test detection limit.

When I spoke to my doctor again Monday evening, to get my gallbladder ultrasound results, I brought up the T issue again. He told me that I am effectively chemically castrated. I certainly agreed with that. He added my exceptionally low T level would contribute to low energy and down moods.

I'm just not thrilled about adding yet another medication to my arsenal of [quote="Danya

" time=1292968260]
pills, a patch and an inhaler. I

will do what I must.

Hugs,

Danya

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I saw my psychiatrist early this morning, before work. He is probably 70 or older and seems to be more old school as far as his methods go. Many, perhaps most, contemporary psychiatrists do little therapy. They prescribe drugs and leave the therapy to psychologists or certain social workers.

Mine, though, spends a lot of time discussing life issues. He also has shared some of his personal experience with depression and how he has dealt with it.

He told me I might not need an antidepressant once I have GRS and get to a more stable employment situation. This may be true. On another visit, though, he told me that since I had not undergone intensive psychotherapy starting as a teen and ending in my late 20s, medication was a good option.

After GRS, I will have some sense of completion for my multi-year transition journey. My transition expenses in general will drop dramatically by that time, too. The financial strain will be much less.

I told him I needed to switch antidepressants. He's well aware of the close to $700 cost for a month's supply of my 'miracle' monoamine oxidase inhibitor patch. This is not available at a lower cost through a Canadian pharmacy. Nor is it available as a generic drug.

Sometime late next month, I'll switch to an antidepr

essant I've used before. I am no longer the same per[

quote="Danya (imported)" time=1294649040]
son who needed the miracle antidepressant. Being who

I was always meant to be has given me an ongoing joy i

n life that I did not anticipate. I'm also more confi

dent now. So I am hopeful I will continue to do well.

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In my last post, I initially wrote at length about being an emotionally abandoned child. I've discussed this here before. This time, though, I was delving into things more deeply than I ever have. Either privately or with a therapist. This turned out to be far too painful.

Years ago, a therapist told me there are some things that are best left untouched. Attempting to work through them might not be worth the trauma, particularly if they are not causing major life problems. I agree. As I wrote last night, I was getting into territory I really need to avoid. That's when I deleted several long paragraphs.

As I wrote, though, I realized two important things for the first time:

1. My two younger brothers, the only living members of my immediate family, rejected me after I transitioned. I wrote about this here on my original transition thread. Last night, I finally understood that they were abandoning me for the same reason as my parents. This may be obvious to some who know me, but it wasn't to me. Neither my parents or my brothers were able to accept me for who I am. For some reason, knowing parents and brothers were reacting the same way was comforting. I suppose by linking their lack of acceptance to their own experiences with my parents, they are in a way removed from the picture.

2. Through a lot of therapy, I worked through many issues over never being a child. Briefly, sort of , I was always a little adult and never after the age of 4 or so participated in normal childhood activities. I talked my mother out of committing suicide. My parents actively prevented me from doing girl type things when I was very young. As an older child, there were times when I said things like "I won't run around with my shirt off, girls don't have to do that." As a teen, I rebelled a total of-----once.

I did not fit in with the neighborhood and school boys. In fact, I tried to stay away from them. I knew I was not one of them. I could not believe that I was supposed to be the same as the vulgar, obnoxious, aggressive teen males around me. I made no effort to fit in with them. I was not capable of pulling that one off and I was not motivated to try. I got along very well with female classmates and they liked me. They did not want to include me in their groups, though.

I was isolated and my parents left me on my own to navigate 'childhood.' So I made my own very un-childlike world for escape. This isolated bubble I inhabited was centered on playing the piano, with intensity and unchildlike persistence, and gardening. I had a huge vegetable garden and a number of large flower beds. I was very good at gardening, too. Music, plants and flowers were all beautiful things that kept me going.

I really thought his was going to be shorter.

As an adult, people told me how much they enjoyed just hearing me practice the piano or organ and that they wished they could play like me. I thought "You have no idea why I can play this way or the price I paid to get here. What I lost along the way" I have always poured my emotions into practicing and performing music. I can easily draw on emotions of deep sadness and great joy. Both are imporant in music.

I did not intend to go into this much detail. You may find this hard to believe! That's OK. Tonight, I'm leaving out the most painful parts and writing is helping me.

To the point of item 2, at last. Yesterday, for the first time, I realized that while I have dealt with my e

motional abandonment in therapy, I have never gotten

angry with my parents.

Anger can be good for getti

ng rid of some baggage I still carry. My parents are long gone. T

hat does not matter. Accepting and express

ing my anger in private, or with a therapist, would be

a good thing. But only for a limited time. Then I wo

uld need to let go of my anger. To do otherwise would mean I am

accepting the role of victim. I would be g

iving up my very real adult power to run my own life.

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There are other things I want to write about. I don't have the time tonight.

[JessicaH (imported)]

I am glad you are able to work through some of these issues that have been with you for so long. I agree whole heartedly with your therapist that some things are best left forgotten. I think too many therapist try to drag stuff back out that needs to stay forgotten. I was touched in inapropriate ways by my brother when I was about 4 or 5 and he is three years older than me. I have NEVER said anything to anyone and have never even hinted to him that I remember. I don't think it damaged me in any way (maybe some would disagree ...lol) but I was always more worried about WHO put those ideas in HIS head since he was only 7 or 8 years old at the time.

I know he would be mortified if I were to tell him that I remembered and couldnt do that to him. Dragging up that past would only do bad things.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Wow, Danya, I find myself looking back through my life, comparing yours to mine...There are some similarities...

I like Stacy's consideration for her brother's feelings about something he did as a young child...I agree that all it would do is embarrass him, and maybe ruin her relationship with her brother...Thoughtful and kind...

As far as parental wrongdoings; I look back at my dad and mom...mostly with sorrow...We coulda been contendahs...smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

I am glad you are able to work through some of these issues that have been with you for so long. I agree whole heartedly with your therapist that some things are best left forgotten. I think too many therapist try to drag stuff back out that needs to stay forgotten. I was touched in inapropriate ways by my brother when I was about 4 or 5 and he is three years older than me. I have NEVER said anything to anyone and have never even hinted to him that I remember. I don't think it damaged me in any way (maybe some would disagree ...lol) but I was always more worried about WHO put those ideas in HIS head since he was only 7 or 8 years old at the time.

I know he would be mortified if I were to tell him that I remembered and couldnt do that to him. Dragging up that past would only do bad things.

I think you have taken exactly the right ap

proach. It's great you are able to handle it this way.

Wow, Danya, I find myself looking back through my life, comparing yours to mine...There are some similarities...

I like Stacy's consideration for her brother's feelings about something he did as a young child...I agree that all it would do is embarrass him, and maybe ruin her relationship with her brother...Thoughtful and kind...

As far as parental wrongdoings; I look back at my dad and mom...mostly with

sorrow...We coulda been contendahs...smooches dragonfly

I, too, look back at my mother and father mostly with sorrow. Even as a child, I could rarely bring myself to call them Mom and Dad. They were too removed from my life.

I want to make it clear that I know my parents did the best they could by me. I always knew this. That's what makes it difficult for an emotionally abused child to accept the reality of his or her family life. When I was first told I was emotionally abandoned/abused, I responded that my parents loved me. They were my parents after all. I had a home, more than enough food, we went on vacations and so on.

Despite everything, I miss my parents. Partly because I have lost my remaining immediate family members.I also have the perhaps unrealistic idea that my father, if not my mother, would eventually have accepted my transsexualism.