Tugon,

I am at a loss for words right now. Your description of your Paris experience is so wonderfully written that I seem to almost feel what you were feeling. Although I am sure I am not even close to fully understanding what this meant to you.

I am glad you are taking care of yourself and happy you had this adventure.

Hugs,

Danya

Tugon, What a wonderful summary!!! You put a huge smile in my heart. Welcome home.

...

tugon (imported) wrote: Thu Jun 10, 2010 6:49 pm My change occurred when I stood on the Pont des Arts which is a pedestrian bridge over the Seine...

You used the word change several times. I submit that the above quoted extract really was more about where your change was experienced, or perhaps executed might be a better word. The real change occurred when you first opened up from within yourself to give yourself this gift.

I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy for you.

It will now be interesting and exciting to see how you further change your life. This trip to Paris was not a new chapter in your life, but rather an new volume. I know from your writing that you are now open to and welcome these kinds of growth. This is such a wonderful gift that you have given yourself. And you deserve more such gifts.

BB

The apartment seems quiet. Plix has started his next adventure in life. He has a new apartment in the big city. Coming from a big city the small town was not for him. I wish him the best in this adventure and further personal growth for him.

Having your own place where it can become what you want it to be is very empowering. I remember when I left home the final time how nice it was to just put things where I wanted them. When Plix arrived the apartment was set up and I am a little bit anal about the antiques and kitchen. So I know he will enjoy living alone.

There will be times when I will miss him but he is close enough for frequent dinners. Since he is still coming back this way for work I told him he could continue to use the washer and dryer. I am sure he knows he can call me for any help he may need.

I must compliment him for picking the hottest day this year for the move.

Best of luck my friend!

Sometimes I hate feeling human. As I have mentioned before in other posts I sometimes think emotions more than feel them. Tonight driving home from work I had that great eunuch need for touch and affection. I wanted to be held and to feel a man's body against my own.

The negative aspect of these feelings were due to the man I was craving. I was missing Brian. I even began to wish he would call me after all this time. My emotions and body were missing him and my mind was saying "what the hell are you thinking"? I know he was not good for me and can never again be a part of my life. I think he was just the face and most recent memory of those needs.

As a eunuch and not as a Vulcan I can only repress my needs for affection and touch for so long. On nights like tonight I still wish to meet someone not for that great passionate love but an affectionate friendship. Oh well since I am suffering with these feelings I thought I would post them.

Confessions

Well it happened Friday night and carried on thru Saturday. I cannot believe it will still happen from time to time. I have a component of my personality or alternative that I thought was gone from all my healing. Well it took over Friday night. I made several phone calls and sent PM's that did not need to be said or typed. This aspect of my personality says unkind things that I may think but would not say for anything. Well it was quite aggressive. I am sorry for any hurt that I caused. The only good news is it did not order anything on my credit card this time.

I think all the sadness from the Rutgers student's death and my becoming more aware of how many other teenagers have recently committed suicide due to bullying. We have also had a number of rapes in the area and I read the comments made by some of the locals about the victim in the newspaper article. I think from my flashbacks to my being bullied and rape flashbacks that other personality came out to rage. If I dwell on sadness too long strange things start happening.

Then today at work we watched Oprah. Oprah did a show about a previous guest who had 92 personalities and another woman who had 20. I did not feel so bad about my partial personality popping out. Sadly with its appearance others might not be so happy.

Anyway what was of most interest to me was the talk of the death of the original person or the complete and total regression of the original core personality. This hit home for me when I thought about a few aspects of myself. As I have posted before my trouble with emotions. Do I feel things or think how I should feel in situations. How often I lose my emotions or feel empty. Why do I have this bully spokesperson who pops up once in awhile? I also remember the almost disastrous search for my inner child. Is my inner child dead or greatly regressed to where I cannot find it. I posted about a dream where I was a parent to a 2 1/2 year old male child who drowned and now I wonder even more what this may mean.

This is from the original post;

tugon (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 05, 2007 7:59 am The worst dream I ever had luckily has never repeated itself. When I awoke from this dream I was in extreme emotional and physical pain. I did not know if I would be able to go to work that morning. I could not imagine how I would call off from work due to a bad dream. Several people have interpreted this dream in interesting ways.

In the beginning of my dream I was the happiest I had ever been. I was given custody of a 2½-year-old boy. I loved him and was so proud of him. In the dream he did not have a name but he reminded me of some one. I wonder if the joy I felt is the joy other parents feel. I loved every minute with him.

This dream took place while I was still working at the hospital and in the dream I had been talking about how wonderful my son is. Several of the staff I was closest with asked to meet him. One evening I took him in to meet several of my friends and was reminded of a meeting that I needed to attend. The nurses offered to watch him while I went to the meeting.

When I returned to pick up my son the nurses were running around. I thought they have really gotten busy. I was able to stop one of them and ask where my son was. She said she would be with me in a few minutes. Eventually they told me he wondered off and they were looking for him. I began to search for him. I walked into a room with a bathtub in it and saw a towel floating on top of the water. I lifted the towel and discovered my son in the tub. He had drowned.

Immediately I woke up and had to smother my cries with my pillow. I felt broken emotionally and my body ached. I could barely make my body move to prepare for the day. I mourned for him for about six weeks before the emotional pain started to subside. If someone mentioned the loss of a child or a story on TV I could understand their pain. I considered anti depressants but felt funny asking for them due to a dream. I had to remind myself that I never had a child and this was not real. Though for some reason the emotional pain and sense of loss was so incredibly real.

If dreams are meant to be helpful I have not discovered the benefits of this one.

As you can imagine I have a lot on my mind tonight. I know that only a professional Psychologist or Psychiatrist could help me get to the bottom of this issue. Am I real or what is left after a less than ideal childhood?

It is not uncommon to find that things we think have eradicated make a return. Under periods of intense stress, just about everyone's personality will change to some extent. When I am under stress at work, I can become a different person, though I try to keep it inside (since I have to interact with customers, I would probably be fired if I did not).

I can relate to the wondering about whether you are actually feeling something or just thinking what you should feel. A therapist told me I do just that - I do not directly feel emotions but rationalize them instead.

I know you have a lot of dreams that indicate issues that you are trying to work through. You may want to consider keeping a journal of some of these dreams. You might find it easier that way to make connections between similar themes. I am very interested in dreams myself and think they can tell us most of the answers we are seeking from life.

plix (imported) wrote: Thu Oct 07, 2010 6:55 pm It is not uncommon to find that things we think have eradicated make a return. Under periods of intense stress, just about everyone's personality will change to some extent. When I am under stress at work, I can become a different person, though I try to keep it inside (since I have to interact with customers, I would probably be fired if I did not).

I can relate to the wondering about whether you are actually feeling something or just thinking what you should feel. A therapist told me I do just that - I do not directly feel emotions but rationalize them instead.

I know you have a lot of dreams that indicate issues that you are trying to work through. You may want to consider keeping a journal of some of these dreams. You might find it easier that way to make connections between similar themes. I am very interested in dreams myself and think they can tell us most of the answers we are seeking from life.

Plix thanks for your support and understanding. It is too bad we can relate so well to similar issues. I am glad you are my friend and we can share.

Tugon's Life

When I think about my trip to Paris I think about how far I have come since the dark days. From the days where I wanted to hide inside the apartment to the day where I planned and executed my life's biggest adventure. Some may argue that the half-an-hour drive to the motel to be castrated might have been the biggest adventure. Actually it was the end of one life and the beginning of another.

When I total what was wrong in my life and I now see what is right in my current life I am amazed. I do not know if I was stubborn enough not to give up or the strong hope that life would get better. I cannot pinpoint any one thing that might be of help to someone else other than do not give up hope.

Once again I was watching Oprah and Tyler Perry was the guest and he opened up about his abuse. I was hurting for him when he discussed his father and his sexual abusers. What hit home the most is when he could no longer dissociate during the torture and at that point he knew his original self had died. I could relate to what he was saying since I recently came to that same conclusion. My realization was like a moment of clarity when so much made sense. When Tyler spoke of it I found myself nodding my head with tears running down my face.

I began life with a mother who never bonded with me as she was tired. She told me this several times through my adult years. Actually she would state "we never bonded". Well I should have crawled out of the bassinet and given her a hug. Of course as written previously my father was physically, verbally, mentally and sexually abusive. We did not bond in any normal fashion. After moving away from bio dad my mother and sisters would gang up and taunt me. Having no sense of self worth or esteem I was easily bullied from 7th grade up through 11th grade. A year after graduation I got the hell out of town. After 4 years I went back only to meet the man who would physically and sexually abused me for 17 1/2 years. Then I was castrated and life began.

Today I enjoy life! I am happy with me but I still have work to do. I have good friends. I have work that I enjoy. My apartment is a place of peace and warmth filled with art and family heirlooms. I enjoy music playing most of the time. I finally had the chance to see the Pacific Ocean on a trip to California. My love of photography is coming back and I am not as hyper critical to the point where I could not show anyone my pictures. I look forward to adventures and no longer avoid them. I do not let people mistreat me. I am experiencing a sense of pride of who I am today and how I live my life. Sure there will always be bumps in the road but I am strong enough for them.

Cheers to the rest of life's adventures.

It is interesting to read your post and to get to know you

Keep up the good work and all ways strive to move fore ward

Life is temporary but for me as I have posted before I have no sense of future. Therefore it seems incredibly temporary. This lack of a sense of future has always been a problem with achieving long term goals. Why buy a house since I never thought I would have time to enjoy it. Why continue to work hard to graduate from college either time I went. Why save when I want what I want now and may not be around to enjoy it. I may live too much in the present with lots of baggage from the past.

Now that I have been finding some sense of understanding in the thought that I am not my original personality, or maybe the term genuine self is a better choice, does that pertain to my lack of a sense of future? At this point I should mention I enjoy life and I am happy. I am just working on some missing pieces.

Another thought along with that lack of future is how little concern I have for my body's health. I find it difficult to worry about health issues down the road when I feel good today. Sure I am a diabetic, hypertensive and high cholesterol kind of eunuch but again in the moment I want pleasure. Yes oral gratification is very important to me. When you do not see a future you do not see reasons to change behaviors. While in Paris I would hate to admit how many croissants crossed my lips. I do think I ate more snails than I did croissants but it would be interesting to know for sure. Oh and someone was always pouring me champagne.

I feel like I live in my head and my body is just a conveyance to get me from A to B. My body is still numb to some sensations. Do not ask me if it is cold if I just walked in from outside. Chances are I did not notice. I like sunburns and very cold windy days that make your face sting because then I can feel my skin.

We had an interesting thread one time about not recognizing the face looking back at us in the mirror. Several members felt a disconnect from what they saw to how they felt. I am now wondering if that was not true for me due to not being original. The sense of not being in the right body but the body was the right one it is the survival personality that is wrong. I wonder if the survival personality could ever fully integrate with the body?

Please remember these are thoughts for me and are not based on any long term psychotherapy. I also have no training in psychology, just insights into my life. Like many I am just looking for answers on the path of life.