I was a fairly soft boy when I was prepubescent. Meaning I hated sports, I liked to play dress-up, and I enjoyed playing with girls because they played at more my speed. Though I am not gay or trans gender (not sure if that matters), I knew other boys had a metal in them I did not. From a very early age I knew I did not want to become a man. I was very happy staying a boy. Until I was 15 and started puberty, I actually liked my body.
At age 12, I came down with a rare malady (at least for Caucasian children and children over 5) called Kawasaki's Disease. It is an illness very much like the Mumps or Scarlet Fever. I causes a rash over the hands, feet, and groin. One of the many symptoms I developed was Bilateral Orchitis. (swelling and fever in both testicles.) Poorly diagnosed, my fever, and the disease lasted for well over 2 months. I was wrongly prescribed steroidal medications that exacerbated my problems. I think my doctor was much more concerned with the rash, than any of my other symptoms.
The result of which, was my youthful erections, that I had been enjoying until then, stopped. They did not return for almost 3 years. I was quite literally 1 day shy of my 15th birthday when I finally had my first ejaculate. I can remember the day clearly.
I have only in the last few years, really come to understand what had happened to me. My testicles were damaged during my long fever. I was already rendered sterile. If my parents had known what was to come and been kind, they should have castrated me shortly after my fever. They didn't know, so I forgive them.
Once my testicles had grown enough to again start producing testosterone, I finally began puberty. My time without puberty was a happy one. I had many friends, and I didn't miss being erect, or playing with myself. (though I admit I did, I didn't "need" to. I found I could have fun while it was soft too.) Between 12 and 15 I had a lot of confusion about why everybody was developing except me, but I did not have the problems I would have, once puberty did start.
Starting puberty was the start of deep depressions and a lifelong struggle with my body image. I have a radically reduced sex drive, but I definitely have one. I have much less body hair than others, and my arms, hands and shoulders still look like a prepubescent's. My body developed ugly hair in many places. I say ugly hair because my pubic hair is not as thick or as curly as other peoples. My very few girlfriends found it ugly, as did I.
My voice deepened just enough to drum me out of choir. I could never have been professional, but I was passing, and enjoyed it. I have since actually had to train my voice to sound more masculine. It is a constant effort.
The real problem was the enormous mood swings I endured, causing my very conservative family to resort to getting me *gasp* therapy. To say the least, that therapy was a complete waste of time. Therapists were not equipped to help a boy like me. Frankly I didn't make it easy. I didn't even know what the hell was wrong with me.
I know now. I was going through hormone peaks and valleys. As my only half working testicles would produce a bit of testosterone, then drop off again. I was going through the hormonal depression of a castrated man, then getting the T back, then losing it again. I was off my freaking nut. (no pun intended.) Fortunately, the hormones have settled down over the years. Though I still have occasional bouts of depression, they are less severe.
My penis has remained quite smallish. About 4 inches erect. You can see how this caused me problems with the ladies. I have uneven body hair, and only need to shave every few days. My beard doesn't come in thick enough to grow a mustache, but is does keep coming back. I have the look of a man younger than I am. Only my grey hair gives away my real age.
Perhaps I should have been started on HRT at age 12, but I don't think anyone actually knew what was wrong with me. I'm not sure HRT was even an option in the medical community at that time. I certainly didn't talk to my conservative parents about anything going on 'down there.'
If someone had told me the problems puberty would have caused for me. I would have agreed to be castrated. If I knew what I know now, I might have done it myself.
Nobody told me I had two ticking time bombs in me. I would have much preferred to remain a boy, and avoid puberty all together. Maybe it would have been even harder for me, not developing at all, but at least I wouldn't have had to deal with the crazy mood swings that lasted well into my thirties.
I am sterile, and have been all my adult life. I've only recently discovered this fact, and gone looking for the reasons why. It has answered a lot of questions for me that I've wondered about for a long time. I've only begun to process it very recently. Despite that, I've wished
for a long time. Since I learned such a thing could be done, I've wished for it.
There are definitely times I think the castration of a child is warranted. In my case I think it would have been a kindness.
Sorry for my long rant. Thanks for reading.
. Now i'm 20. More often i think i'm ready for it. 
But i'd like to be done by someone, rather than to do myself.
