My life

[Danya (imported)]

I forgot one thing that I meant to add, and it may sound superficial, but you look wonderful! You look so different from tho other photo that you shared with me last year and I mean that in a REALLY good way.

Thank you for the compliment. I don't think it sounds superficial at all. When I saw the new photo I am using here now, I was surprised at how good it came out. Especially considering it is from an ID badge. I won't leave it up long, though.

I think the other photo you mention was

on the personal web site I had

for a time, although I

may have used it here, too. I totally agree with you.

It's funny, but I think I still remember your first avatar. For some reason I remember you, your story, your avatar but I can't remember your original screen name... lol. I think your first avatar was a photo of the inside of a vase or glass. I remember you changed it after I asked you what it was and I said it looked like

the riflings of the inside of a gun barrel. lol.

I remember that photo. I

t's one I took of the inside of an antique wine glass.

I hope you find peace with everything soon. I guarantee you that there are men who enjoy a woman with a strong spirit and great talent. Do what you love and enjoy because that is where you are most likely to find someone who appreciates you

r loves and interests.

Your friend,

Stacy Hightower

Sometime soon, I'll write about a book I'm reading that describes why men prefer strong women.

Unlike most companies, perhaps, the one I now work for does not have New Year's Eve off this year. Instead, we have Monday off. This works out perfectly, because that's when the Art Institute starts offering free weekday admission for an entire month. I need to be downtown anyway that evening to see my HRT doctor, so I'll spend much of the day at the institute. I'll take my camera along.

I am over 'X.' As a close friend explained, and I agree, I do not miss him. I miss having a man to do fun things with. I'm not necessarily talking about the bedroom here, either.

In addition, I have a suspicion that the higher dose of estrogen I am on with injections may be too high.. Estrogen can worsen depression. This was never a problem until I switched to injectable estradiol. I started to notice I wasn't feeling myself last weekend. My 'treatment resistant' depression is considered in remission, with medication. For the last few years, I've gotten used to being free of depression. What a wonderful feeling. This was what gave me the freedom to deal with my gender identity.

It may just be that I've been so upset about 'X' that I'm feeling temporarily down. Time will tell.

I'll speak with my psychiatrist about this before work today, and discuss it Monday with my HRT doctor. I may need to go back to pills. If I do, I won't be thrilled about it but my emotional well being is the most important consideration.

Hugs,

Danya

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Strength, compassion, intelligence...and beauty...The complete package, I'd say....smooches dragonfly

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

I must say that as good as your avatar looks it doesn't look as good as you do in the flesh. --FLO--

[Danya (imported)]

Strength, compassion, intelligence...and beauty...The

complete package, I'd say....smooches dragonfly

I must say that as good as your avatar l

ooks it doesn't look as good as you do in the flesh. --FLO--

Hi Dragonfly and Flo,

Both of you are fine gentlemen. Thanks for the compliments.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Very recently, like this morning , I wrote the I am over 'X.' Yeah, right! I'm not, although I'm spending time reading all kinds of articles on dealing with the emotions of breaking up. If I can believe the writers, this is a difficult time whether or not you are the one who chose to end the relationship. Seems reasonable. I still expect that I should recover quickly, say by later tonight!

One site made these suggestions, to which I have added some comments:

- Do not text or call your ex I've already broken this 'rule.' He wrote me an angry email. I hoped to end things on a more positive note, so I sent an understanding response. He wrote back with some kind words of his own. I feel very good about this. I already mentioned that I handled our breakup very poorly.

- Make friends outside of your inner circle if they are also friends of your ex I'm working on this, but it takes time to make friends. This one cannot possibly help get me back to normal by later tonight.

- Start making plans for your future I already spend too much time planning for my future!

- Take a vacation with friends or family Hey, if I don't work, I don't get paid. Besides, with continuing steep transition expenses, I cannot afford it. I may go to Minnesota Sunday and Monday, but not for fun.

- Begin a new hobby like indoor racquetball, darts, swimming

, etc... I may be too old for racquetball, although I always hate it when people tell me I'm too old for inline skating. I don't think darts would do it for me. Swimming? Difficult bathing suit issues with my current configuration. Anyway, I already have more interests than I can keep up with.

- Start journaling so that you can have a place to express your inner thoughts Exactly! That's what I'm doing right now and it really does help. I highly recommend this approach.

- Let go of any resentment or anger you may feel towards your ex I think I have done this. Tossing things he has given me is helping.

- If you see your ex, behave as if you have moved on with your life It is unlikely I will see him, unless we run into each other at Hunters. That may be unlikely. He writes that he is giving up on relationships to concentrate on his studies.

- Stop acting like a victim I'm not sure if I'm acting like a victim or not.

- Forgive yourself I do need to forgive myself. For foolishly thinking that, through (over) communication, I could get this to work. Also, for however I have hurt him along the way. Although he could behave very badly, he is still very human and vulnerable.

Another article suggests:

- Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup and re-energize. Sorry, I've got to make every effort to be very productive on the job. Even more so now when I do not feel like it. This is temporary work. I may become permanent. If it does not I want to have good references from this company. If corporate policy does not prohibit providing recommendations. I am giving myself permission to function at a less than optimal level outside of work. Too bad the writer does not explain the length of 'a little while.' I am not superwoman. Sometimes, though, I feel that I must make a good go at it. These are difficult times. Besides, I always expect a lot from myself. Often this is a good thing. At other points it is counter-productive.

__________________________________________________

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This morning, I told my psychiatrist that I am feeling down and may be depressed. I told him about breaking up and a few things about 'X.' After we talked, he told me "You seem to be doing very well." Huh?? I wondered if he had been listening. I think he meant that, considering everything going on in my life, I am doing well. I agree.

He and I did have a good time talking. I joked about meeting a rich man, marrying and never having to work again. He suggested I dress well, with some expensive looking jewelry that need not cost much at all, and hang out at places like the Art Institute. I told him that was already part of my plan. I'll also use my camera as a conversation piece.

He added that he knew a woman who married a rich man who was much older. Of course, she got all the money in the end. I let him know love was the most important thing to me. "Of course," he responded with a slight grin, "but it doesn't hurt to have money."

Then he mentioned a dominatrix who had once been a client, jokingly (I think!) saying I could do all kinds of things to make very good money. The dominatrix made a lot of money from men who enjoyed her particular brand of attention. This was a win-win situation.

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A slightly older trans friend in Minnesota, who was still working and expected to continue for some years, once told me she wanted nothing more than to be a housewife. Sounds tempting, although I doubt I would be content for long with this. It might be fun to try, though.

__________________________________________________

____________

I have a fervent desire for my life to return to a semblance of stability. Usually, I do not allow myself to think about such a thing. I have no choice but to keep going whatever the circumstances are. Wishing for something that may not happen for some time is a waste of energy. Still, for a year or two, it would be nice to delude myself with the notion that security really exists. Even though a number of my own life experiences tell me this is truly an illusion. I'd still like to live in that illusion for awhile. It would be like going to an amusement park on an extended break from reality.

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Things have been slow at the office because of the holidays. The pace will pick up, a lot, next week. Although the work is temporarily slow, I've been going to many meetings. In an earlier post, I wrote that another contract worker told me I was being treated with more deference because of my gender. A different result of such thinking may be behind what happened today. One of the people I work for told me "You are the perfect person to take notes at all the meetings." I wondered if I had been hired to be a secretary (a career option I have not entirely ruled out, although I'm thinking more like a high level executive assistant) instead of the role I thought I was filling. Either way, it pays well and I'm happy I am working.

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Per the advice columns, I am giving myself permission to be lazy. At least at home. Result: this post may have more errors than most.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

I mean...what is there to say? Your psychiatrist has the easiest job in the world...I think you go there to give her lessons...

I'm thinking about your discussion of your inability to take up swimming , because of swimsuit issues...Mmmm , how erotic is this? I secretly want to paint your toenails and give your tootsies a little massage...How does that sound? Gawd....Way to handle this situation...Moocho smoochos, dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

I mean...what is there to say? Your psychiatrist has the easiest job in the world...I think you go there to give her lessons...

I'm thinking about your discussion of your inability to take up swimming , because of swimsuit issues...Mmmm , how erotic is this? I secretly want to paint your toenails and give your tootsies a little massage...How does that sound? Gawd....Way to handle this situation...Moocho smoochos, dragonfly

Hi Dragonfly,

The only reason I see my psychiatrist is for medication refills. We always have a good conversation that runs over into his next scheduled appointment. I've had a lot of help over the years working through my problems, so I consider myself lucky that I can get by on my own now.

I won't comment on your fantasies. You can enjoy those in the privacy of your own home.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

'X' and I are on good terms now. We are communicating solely through email, which is fine. I 'untossed' the things he gave me that I had thrown in the trash. After a few difficult days, I am back to normal. I no longer feel down or depressed. This is good news. It means I will not have to reduce my estrogen dosage.

We will not date again. I may, however, help him with his organic chemistry and microbiology homework during the Spring semester. I am pleased he made an appointment with another specialist to look into his dyslexia.

My new job is going very well. The people here are generally much less uptight that those at my last assignment. Although I miss being downtown, working in the suburbs saves me $70 - $90 a week in parking fees.

Earlier this evening, Erica Ann called. She told me about the New Year's Eve party at Hunters nightclub. I had no idea there would be hors d’oeuvres, and champagne at midnight. Now I plan to go and have a great time. Who knows, maybe I'll run into that cute, young doctor I danced with some months ago.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Why you brazen hussy...Hehehe teach that young scamp a thing or two...Make his new year memorable...smooches, happy new year dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

Why you brazen hussy...Hehehe teach that young scamp a thing or two...Make his new year memorable...smooches, happy new year dragonfly

Brazen hussy?? At times I might wish I were such a woman. I think I quoted part of The Eagles Song Take It Easy once before. I'm much more interested in my sexuality since I transitioned. I like to imagine myself as the young woman referred to here:

"Well, I’m a standing on a corner

In Winslow, Arizona

And such a fine sight to see

It’s a girl, my lord, in a flatbed

Ford slowin’ down to take a look at me [Although I seldom think about what might have been if only...I enjoy imagining myself as a young, buxom blonde women. My hair is blowing in the wind as I turn to look out the window at a very handsome young stud...er, man ]

Come on, baby, don’t say maybe [I'd love to have a man say this to me. It's a nice fantasy that plays into my wish to be an object of a man's desire.]

I gotta know if your sweet love is

Gonna save me [Talk about stereotypical male come ons. Perhaps this young man even believes that a quick role in the sack is going to 'save' him. I suppose men can be just as delusional as women ]

We may lose and we may win though

We will never be here again

So open up, I’m climbin’ in, [Taken literally, at least in my view, this means 'open you Ford's door because I'm coming in. Get ready for me.' More to the point, the guy is telling the young woman to spread her legs because he's about to climb into her! - lyrics like these never interested me before I transitioned. I could not relate. Now I can.]

So take it easy"

I doubt that I will ever be a hussy. If I behave like a hussy now and then, I probably will not report it here. You never know, though.

What I would like is to feel entirely free to express who I am in all aspects of my life.

Because I transitioned, I am happier than I ever expected to be or could imagine being. Does this mean I am totally free? After all, I very publicly changed gender roles while on a job. The company made a big to-do out of the whole thing, including interviewing me. I don't know how I could have been more open about my life.

I am not totally free, though, and like everyone else there are still things that keep me from reaching my full potential. Now, though, I have a clear idea of my largely self-imposed restrictions. Knowing I successfully transitioned gives me confidence that I can accomplish other things in my life that I might have thought too difficult just a few years back. I'm still a work in progress. I hope to continue growing in all areas of my life.