E-Day+1

graylayer02 (imported) wrote: Fri Jun 14, 2013 12:49 am My thermal regulation improved within hours. I'm no longer sweating all the time, and cool weather feels cool.

Whoah, hot flashes. I take that comment back.

My clothes smell like girl after that though, which is nice.

E-Day plus 6.

Nothing really new to report. My initial impressions were confirmed--I LOVE estrogen. My mood is a lot more balanced. These patches start to act funny after a few days though.

It feels like the good parts of the 'old me' (sense of adventure, sense of humor, energy) are back but not with the bad parts (aggression, serious mood swings, being 'all over the place' even more).

It's nice not to worry about obtaining E anymore. I can be patient for a while, let it do its work, and concentrate on life.

My coffee consumption is way down and I drink less wine already. Chocolate tastes as good as ever.

Another laser session this evening. This is getting old, fast.

In general, the sun is shining on me. Plus, literally, the sun is shining on me. (Not always good--laser and suntans hate each other.)

Cheerio,

-GL

Hi y'all,

So I've boyfailed twice this week. And I suddenly have A cups and my face is already much fuller. Seriously. (I have witnesses as to the latter.)

Yesterday a group of guys walked past me on the street. I was in full-on guy mode. One of them said to the others, "That's a guy." The others: "Nööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö."

Emotionally, no contest. E is niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice and I'm all smiles and giggles.

My sex drive has been getting rewired. I'm basically bi (or pan) now. This does NOT mean that I develop sexual attraction toward kitchenware, but rather that I am attracted to people of more than two genders. And this is very much like a puberty, where I find myself attracted to random people from whom I draw some kind of vibe.

These hormones are acting VERY quickly on me. It might be because there was nothing there before, and so I don't have to go through the usual wait as testosterone works its way out of my system and estrogen into my system. Either way, the conference circuit in the coming months might get interesting. It's looking like full-time later this year.

Girl becoming in progress:) sounds good that the mood is finding a home.....

Yep. I'm at a point where people don't recognize me in girl mode, despite my having gong out with these same people in girl mode 3 weeks ago. I get far more weird looks in guy mode than in girl mode. Now to somehow miraculously work on my voice, which is stuck at 'construction worker'.

Other than that, I'm letting things remain on autopilot for the next few months before I move on to my next big subproject.

I'm going to scale down my involvement here again.

Hi all,

Letting you know I'm still around. I'm coming up on the 4 month anniversary of hormones. At this point I don't pass as either major gender in any systematic kind of way. It's been nice to sort of sit back and let this happen. Going forward, I'm sort of scrambling to improve my clothes and voice and overall presentation (plus documentation--a huge headache) so that I can make the changeover official. I have gotten my voice to improve somewhat; it's gone from 'construction worker' to 'fem guy'. My overall presentation and physical appearance get me 'clocked' a lot but I don't get much overt harrassment. People seem to take my sort of androgynous-femme thing in stride so long as I project confidence.

With E, I find that my body and mind function together a lot better than they used to. I've heard the analogy of being in a pre-transition state as like trying to run Windows on a Mac--it can be done but it ain't pretty. I agree with this analogy. I do think that hormones and whatnot should be more easily available than they are, without requirements as to gender presentation. The German standards of care are particularly horrific--one year of 'real life test' before even beginning hormones--and with having to maintain the wrong name at that. This was not possible for me; while my own way of going about things was rather nonlinear, I had to do what I had to do. I still don't entirely identify with the gender binary or the linear trans narrative, but I do know which side of the gender binary I'd rather be seen as residing on.

I'm guardedly optimistic about the future. There's a LOT that can go wrong in the future but a lot that can go right.

Hey Graylayer, glad to see you back among the eunuchs, your sense humour and prose are a welcome tonic.

And, I'm full-time now as a woman. That was easy.

A quick note on going full-time.

Within about ten seconds from starting hormones this past June, I began to feel better. The dysphoria--the increasingly horrible attacks of self-hatred, of wanting to jump out from my body, or of my body wanting to jump out from me--vanished. I often had dreams during this period where I was being chased by a dragon. If I summoned the wherewithal to wake up, I could end the dream and wake up in reality. The dragon chasing me would vanish, and I would wake up a bit dazed but alive. Nothing a shower and coffee couldn't solve.

The beginning of the end of the middle of my transition was exactly like that. Waking up after a bad dream.

Within a week of starting hormones, I was noticing physical effects. Things were beginning to reconfigure yet again, after they had reconfigured the first and second and third and fourth times. I traveled quite a bit over the summer; after the travel ended, I returned home and lost about 5 unwanted kilos. I continued laser hair removal, growing my hair out, working on my voice.

My coworkers figured out by this point what was up. Coming out to them was the most anticlimactic thing since the Cubs last lost a playoff game. I quickly lost the ability to 'pass' as male. When I was checking into a hotel under my legal (male) name, under a male presentation, I was ma'amed the entire time. They even apologized for the 'typo' involving the Mr. in front of my name. Every time I was sighted in the men's room in airports or at conferences, the men would run out in panic.

Some people began to think that my eyes have migrated about a foot downward, that I had no understanding of how airports work, and that I couldn't possibly be able to lift a 12-pound bag. If I'd pass them on my bike, their penis would fall off. If I had known this, I would have found a much more efficient way to get rid of my penis a few years ago.

I even began to get catcalled. "Hey, that was sexist. Wait, that was sexist. Cool, that was sexist."

This sort of stuff turns one into an instant feminist of a sort.

What with my increasing inability to present as male, I made plans to go full-time. My inner monologue had switched over to female names and pronouns well over a year ago. I informed all of the important people in my life, pushed the androgyny yet further (eyeliner at work!), flew to the US once to file the name change paperwork, and again flew here two weeks ago to defend it. By this time I was being read as so not-male that I had at least three major altercations with airline and airport officials who thought that I had stolen some guy's boarding pass and passport.

As of last week, I legally exist. I have no reason to present as male anymore. Maybe if I need some more facial hair removed (likely given how regrowth works) I can 'downgrade' to something androgynous, but this craptacular charade of being a man is over.

The nightmare is over.

I pretty much knew all along that this would happen at some point So do you actually identify as female now, or are you just presenting that way because it is easier? I know in the past you have mentioned not identifying with either gender, so that is why I'm wondering. In any case, I am glad that you have found where you are supposed to be!