I spent this afternoon and early evening visiting two places 'we' had frequented during our time together. My intention was to reclaim these as my own, solo spots. I had a great time all by myself.

1. Garfield Park Conservatory in Chicago, a series of large, beautifully landscaped greenhouses. There are some huge, old palm trees in the main room that are gorgeous. The holiday flower show is in progress. There is no admission.

2. Downtown - I miss it now that I am working in the suburbs. I took the 'L' to save on parking. Once there, I walked for about an hour.

I spent the early evening on my own for an early celebration of my birthday. It was very relaxing. A pina colada helped. I do not drink often but usually make an exception for special occasions.

I'm going to list some things I learned from my 7-month relationship. If you read these, you may decide that I am indeed quite foolish! That's OK. I was foolish in a teenage girl sort of way. If there is a next time, I want a relationship that is on a totally adult level, with room for child-like playfulness.

If anything I write sounds like a put-down of my ex-boyfriend, that is not my intention. I realized some time ago that he grew up under much less than ideal circumstances and that he has little clue as to how to maintain a relationship. I thought I could work with that. I offered to go to therapy with him. He didn't want to, saying he could teach the therapist a few things.

1. Any man (or woman?) in my future needs to be confident in who he is.

2. This person must not be intimidated by any of my real or perceived accomplishments.

Items 1 and 2 - I do not want to continually reassure someone central in my life that he or she is good enough for me. All the reassurances in the world did not help in this relationship. The other person must come into the relationship feeling capable and an equal, whatever type of job they hold or do not hold. Their educational attainment does not matter either, if we are a good match.

I frequently told 'him' how happy he made me. He did, much of the time. I also told him why this was so. I enjoyed the unabashed way he had of singing publicly and poking fun at art he thought was absurd. There were other good things, too.

3. This individual needs to reach the point of respecting me and believing that what I say is valid for me.

4. I did not tolerate disrespect in this just ended relationship and I will not in future ones. If I feel there is hope, I will work through such issues as they come up.

5. I will lead my own independent life whether I am in a relationship or not. I am quite happy displaying my inherent femininity, but not at the expense of giving up important parts of myself.

6. I expect a certain level of maturity for a relationship to be successful.

7. I have, rather reluctantly, concluded that for a relationship to be worth the effort, I would need someone who is at ease exchanging ideas and with independent thinking.

8. Bringing up the ex-spouse and ex-girlfriends on a regular basis is not acceptable. Nor is comparing me to one, or more, of them. If a man, or woman, truly feels I am like one of these people with whom they were unhappy then it is best they move on. The sooner the better. I discussed this every time it happened, thinking I had gotten my message across. I was wrong.

9. NOTE: I am not starting a political or religious discussion here. I'm merely speaking about my relationship. No matter how strongly one disagrees with the teachings and politics of the church one attends 'religiously,' expressing disagreements in the middle of a church service just doesn't work for me. When the congregants are asked to raise their hands to bless new Sunday School teachers, loudly hailing the fuhrer is way out of line. Even if the intent is 'to show that the emperor has no clothes.'

I value expressions of dissent and our freedom to do so publicly. I encouraged my ex-boyfriend to write to public officials, seek them out in their offices, work for political causes he believed in and so on. Even though his views were very different from mine. But publicly agreeing with a protester who compares our current president to someone who has committed major crimes against humanity just doesn't fly with me. Ever. If this happens even once in another relationship, I will end it on the spot.

10. In any future relationship, I need to feel free to express my deep emotions about music, art and other things. Without the need to frequently reassure the other person that it does not matter to me whether he or she has this same deep connection with the arts. This issue came up every few weeks, even though I spent wonderful times with the ex at pop and country concerts and had a blast. 'He' saw my emotions as a weakness while I felt strong and most fully myself at these times.

11. I would wish that anyone in a relationship with me would have an appreciation for cultures and people around this very small planet. And tolerance for those with differing beliefs.

12. Questioning my patriotism because I take more of a world view of things is not acceptable. I always agreed that we live in a dangerous world, so I was and am not naive.

There were many good things in this relationship, but on my end it was based on the heady rush of a first love. I am glad I had this experience. He wrote back to me that he feels the same way. I am also glad this is over.

Beautiful....as is the writer..Love the photo..You have great teeth..hehe

dragonfly

Thanks for sharing that with us. It has been so wonderful watching your story unfold over the years. Your new avater looks amazing! Thanks for posting!!!!

kennath7 (imported) wrote: Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:23 pm it it good to see that you are well , great photo , hope your holyday seasion was a blessing for you

Hi Kennath7,

I am doing very well. I'm glad you like my picture. I scanned it from my ID badge, which meant I had to do a lot of work in Photoshop to make it at all presentable. That's why it is not in sharp focus. In this photo,

Danya (imported) wrote: Thu Dec 23, 2010 8:45 pm I look a lot like my favorite aunt

did many years ago. She is long gone. I still remember her many kindnesses to me. She was the lone person in my family who encouraged my l

butterflyjack (imported) wrote: Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:55 pm ove of music from the time I was 4 or 5 years old.

I hope your holiday season was g

ood, too.

Hugs,

Danya

Beautiful....as is the writer..Lo

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Dec 27, 2010 5:32 pm ve the photo..You have great teeth..

hehe

dragonfly

Hi Dragonfly,

Thanks for your kind remarks, as always. As these things sometimes go, someone writes a few words and I respond with paragraphs. By doing this, I am working through my emotions. Not my emotions about you, although you are a sweetheart.

I realized last night, as I wrote about what I expect in a relationship, that I was extremely angry at the 'ex.' For several weeks, I expected our relationship would not last much longer. I gave him his Christmas gift days early, thinking that the end our of relationship would soon arrive. I wanted him to have it no matter what happened.

The thing is, I should have ended this relationship many months ago. Why didn't I? I thought I'd be unable to find another man who would date a pre-op transsexual woman. I also enjoyed having someone in my life after moving to a new state under difficult circumstances. Besides, we did have many fun times together. Along the way, though, I made a number of errors in judgment. While I have certainly made mistakes before, lots of them, I have never made this many about one thing, or person.

Until the very end, though, I was trying to work things out even as they continued to unravel. Something happened the last time we met. He said something very unkind to me that showed nothing had really changed since we first met. I thought he was coming to at least partially understand me and it really seemed like our relationship was continuing to improve. I do not think I ever expected him to truly change, although I may be kidding myself. What I hoped was that with communication and understanding, we could get along better. Any improvement, though, was on the surface only. This hope was but one of my judgment errors. It was based on the assumption that he was open to reasonable communication. He only appeared to be.

When I met him that last evening, I asked him to be gentle with me as I was not in the best of moods and felt a little depressed. I have discussed depression with him a number of times, explaining that it is an illness. I had told him before that all I need at such times was a hug and a few words of support. Then I feel back to normal. I am seldom truly depressed now, certainly not for the amount of time to be concerned. Good medication is a wonderful thing.

He restated his view that depression is a character defect. I thought through our talks that he now accepted that this is not the case. Something complicates his view of depression. His ex-wife was 'supposedly', according to him, depressed a lot. He explained that she used this to manipulate him. Maybe she did. I am not her, however. He's also agreed before that I am not manipulative.

Thursday evening, instead of simply respecting my request to treat me gently, he said I should put on a 'happy face' for the good of our relationship. On several occasions, I've explained that if I have to pretend, to act like I am in a good mood at all times even when I am not, our relationship would never work. I thought he got this, too.

I responded calmly, at first, by asking for a hug and a few encouraging words.

What I got instead was I should just "snap out of 'it'", just as he does. He added that he admits he has a 'chip on his shoulder' about depression. Besides, he cannot 'see it' (depression) therefore it cannot be real.

I told him I could not do this anymore. I would not continue to rehash important things, when he simply cannot seem to get it. He went back to the 'happy face' line, saying that it was for the 'good of us.'

At this point, I'd had more than enough. I started to get angry. He reacted by saying we should go into the restaurant to continue to talk. At last, I realized there was absolutely no point in any more talking and that I had no desire for there to be an 'us.' There was no way I wanted to go into the restaurant with him. I told him I would drive him home. Along the way, I quite freely expressed my anger, with some well chosen expletives and a little explanation of why I was so angry. No one here, or elsewhere, has ever seen me this angry. Some may find it hard to believe that I was actually shouting. It's true. I was so upset because he was so boldly stating that my feelings were invalid.

Despite my anger, when I dropped him off at his home he asked if I wanted to get together the next day! "No, good night," I responded in a cool tone of voice. Then he asked if I wanted to get together Christmas Day. Again, "No, good night."

The reality is, he has many down, moody times of his own. When he has been discouraged about school, wanting to quit, I have listened sympathetically and offered encouragement. One evening at Hunter's nightclub, when I had dressed well for him, as we sat at the bar together I put my nylon-clad legs across his lap. He totally ignored me. I already knew, though, that he was upset about school and I did not take it personally.

So much for my writing a few nights back that I would never mention 'him' again. It really is therapeutic for me to write this.

In hindsight, I have my suspicions of why he behaved so poorly that last evening. I base this on several things he said in the few days before this. I think he was afraid of losing me but did not know how to talk to me about it. His insistence that I put on a 'happy face' may have been to reassure himself that everything was, after all, fine. He'd alluded to his fears two days earlier. He thought he had to do all kinds of impressive things for my birthday to keep me happy. He was willing to do anything I wanted to keep the relationship going. Including arranging a dinner cruise on Lake Michigan. At that point, I asked him when I had ever indicated that expensive things mattered to me. He answered, "Never." I told him he need do nothing more than give me a card and a $5 pair of earrings. I've always told him I do not care how much money he makes. He never believed me, saying he did not understand why I did not go out with someone who was 'successful.' His definition of success was money and lots of it. That's near the bottom of my list.

Whatever was at the root of his behavior, I still have a lot of empathy for him. I know that he is hurting and, like many of us, is fearful of the unknown. He seems to be more fearful than most. The world is changing in ways he does not understand. This does not excuse his frequently poor decisions and actions. I still believe that he, like most people, wants to treat others well and do the right thing. He just has no clue how, and I now totally understand that I can not get him to that point. That saddens me. I might wish I could easily dismiss the whole experience with "to hell with him," but I cannot. I am, however, over him.

I will likely always wonder how he is doing. Hoping that he succeeds in his life goals. Over the fall semester, I put a lot of effort into helping him with his studies. I know how hard he is working to get through school under difficult circumstances. But I will never get back with him. While there were times he made me very happy, this relationship had to end because there were far too many other times when his behavior was appallingly bad. I need, and deserve, more of certain things he cannot provide (see my last post on what I now expect from a relationship, including mutual respect). A book I am reading says that unconditional love is great in a relationship, but only after the conditions for a good relationship are met. I wholeheartedly agree.

Now, although I will not be silly enough to make another prom

JessicaH (imported) wrote: Mon Dec 27, 2010 8:02 pm ise, I think this ends what I will say on this subject. I made mistakes in this relationship, too. I have learned a lot from those. My first mistake was

not putting a halt to this relationship much sooner.

Hugs,

Danya

Thanks for sharing that with us. It has been so wonderful watching your story unfold over the years. Your new avater looks amazing! Thanks for posting!!!!

Hi Stacy,

As always, you are a sweetie. Thanks for your kind words.

Hugs,

Danya

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Dec 28, 2010 8:43 pm Hi Kennath7,

I am doing very well. I'm glad you like my picture. I scanned it from my ID badge, which meant I had to do a lot of work in Photoshop to make it at all presentable. That's why it is not in sharp focus. In this photo,

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Dec 28, 2010 8:43 pm 3097500]
I look a lot like my favorite aunt

did many years ago. She is long gone. I still remember her many kindnesses to me. She
[/quote]
was the lone person in my family who encouraged my love of music from the time I was 4 or 5 years old.

I hope your holiday season was good, too.

Hugs,

Danya

You look great in that photo. Best wishes in your new job and with any future relationship. You deserve the best of both.

Wow...what an unloading, sweety...You just might be one of the kindest people I have ever known...and you suffered because of it, this time.

I sensed that behind a lot of this acceptance of X's shortcomings, was a need for some affection...even if it came with some flaws....I'm so glad you've emerged from this relatively unscathed (at least on the surface)...You deserve much better...so much better...

If you'd put those nylon covered limbs over my lap, I couldn't be responsible for my reaction...Gawd that sounds erotic..

As ever, be well and Moocho Smoochos....dragonfly

While I did notice that you taled about "ex" after you said you weren't going to talk about "X", I was happy to see that you did since I could tell that it was a difficult thing to go through for you. It is an important part of your story and the hurt and dissapointment don't just go away when you decide that you can't put anymore of yourself into a realtionship that you know is not going to work out, even if you do love that person.

So again, thanks for sharing that very personal follow up to your story. I'm sure it has been an incredible experience to have had your first relationship as "yourself" and now you know what you are really lookin for and even more importan, "what you're NOT looking for." When we end dead end relationships, we make ourselves available to finding someone else who will treat us with kindness and respect and possibly true love.

You are a wonderful lady and any man would be lucky to share your life with you. You are so incredibly talented and interesting which is not very common with most people. I'm honored to call you friend and I would love to meet you sometime and spend a day just talking with each other (well, maybe a little shopping in Chicago.. lol. )

Take care and keep your heart open to others and you will find the man that love and respect you and set your heart on fire. Just don't go looking for it or you will never find him! Unfortunately, it always seems you have to give up on finding the right person then they jsut drop in your lap!

Hugs, Stacy

Or...put your legs in one's lap...Hehehe Nice missal Tracy...

smooches dragonfly

To be fair, at least as fair as I can be, 'X' thought my need to explain things to him showed I did not accept him the way he was. While I did not accept some of his behavior, and told him so, I may not have been entirely accepting in other ways. I'm too personally involved to understand everything that went on between us. I wanted him to understand me. I thought I had a fair understanding of him, but that was presumptuous.

Mac (imported) wrote: Tue Dec 28, 2010 9:06 pm You look great in that photo. Best wishes in your new job and with any future relationship. You deserve the best of both.

Hi Mac,

[quote="Danya (imported)" time

butterflyjack (imported) wrote: Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:49 am =1291614360]
Thanks for the compliment. I

appreciate your good wishes, too.

Hugs,

Danya

Wow...what an unloading, sweety...You
[/quote]
just might be one of the kindest people I have ever known...and you suffered because of it, this time.

Thanks for your kind remarks, Dragonfly. It would have been better had I not been so angry with 'X' that last night. I told him I was starting to get very angry, and he said he'd pay money to see that. He saw and heard my anger, and I am not proud of it. I don't think uncontrolled anger is helpful. It would have been better for both of us if I kept a calmer attitude and ended thin

butterflyjack (imported) wrote: Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:49 am gs with some grace. Instead of waiting until I was ready to crack, I should have parted ways much sooner.

I sensed that behind a lot of this acceptance of X's shortcomings, was a need for some affection...even if it came with some flaws....I'm so glad you've emerged

from this relatively unscathed (at least on the surface)...You deserve much better...so much better...

This is still a difficult time for me. I have no permanent job and some of the benefits that come with one. Economists are saying that for some time to come a higher percentage of jobs than ever will be contract jobs just like the one I have. I may yet move again. I usually succeed at taking things a day at a time. That's not working so far this week. I feel very alone. Tonight is one of the

JessicaH (imported) wrote: Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:13 am rare times I feel like hiding under the covers and never leaving home again. I know, though, that I will get back to my normal self soon.

Yes, I need affection and I hope someday to have a compatible lover.

Hugs,

Danya

While I did notice that you taled about "ex" after you said you weren't going to talk about "X", I was happy to see that you did since I could tell that it was a difficult thing to go through for you. It is an im

portant part of your story and the hurt and dissapointment don't just go away when you decide that you can't put anymore of yourself into a realtionship that you know is not going to work out, even i

JessicaH (imported) wrote: Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:13 am f you do love that person.

Thanks, Stacy, for understanding. I did love him and still care about him; I'm still hurting, too. Writing about the last time I saw him was one of the most difficult things I have done on this site.

So again, thanks for sharing that very personal follow up to your story. I'm sure it has been an incredible experience to have had your first relationship as "yourself" and now you know what you are real

ly lookin for and even more importan, "what you're NOT looking for." When we end dead end relationships, we

JessicaH (imported) wrote: Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:13 am make ourselves available to finding someone else who will treat us with kindness and respect and possibly true love.

What I wrote was so personal I'm a little embarassed no

w. You are correct, this was a dead end relationship.

You are a wonderful lady and any man would be lucky to share your life with you. You are so incredibly talented and interesting which is not very common with most people.

Since I was very young, I felt isolated from other kids because my

JessicaH (imported) wrote: Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:13 am talents and interests were very different from theirs.

Thanks for being so very understanding. I'm not sure many men want 'talented and interesting.' I may be wrong.

For that right man, I will very willingly offer more.

I'm honored to call you friend and I would love to meet you sometime

JessicaH (imported) wrote: Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:13 am and spend a day just talking with each other (well, maybe a little shopping in Chicago.. lol. )

I am very pleased we are friends and I would be thrilled to meet you sometime. There's lots of terrific shopping in Chicago.

Take care and keep your heart open to others and you will find the man that love a

nd respect you and set your heart on fire. Just don't go looking for it or you will never find him! Unfortunately, it always seems you have to give up on finding the right person then they jsut drop in your lap!

Hugs, Stacy

I agree with you. I will go about my life doing what gives me joy. Along the way, just by being me, the right man may just happen by.

Thanks for taking the time to write such a caring response.

Hugs,

Danya

I forgot one thing that I meant to add, and it may sound superficial, but you look wonderful! You look so different from tho other photo that you shared with me last year and I mean that in a REALLY good way.

It's funny, but I think I still remember your first avatar. For some reason I remember you, your story, your avatar but I can't remember your original screen name... lol. I think your first avatar was a photo of the inside of a vase or glass. I remember you changed it after I asked you what it was and I said it looked like the riflings of the inside of a gun barrel. lol.

I hope you find peace with everything soon. I guarantee you that there are men who enjoy a woman with a strong spirit and great talent. Do what you love and enjoy because that is where you are most likely to find someone who appreciates your loves and interests.

Your friend,

Stacy Hightower