Wow the start of the New Year has been a little rough. I hope it does not indicate how the rest of the year is going to be. I may have to stay in bed with Box o' wine at my bedside.

This past Monday my favorite aunt was in a car accident and has spent time in ICU with a brain bleed, broken heel and much internal trauma. Her husband, my uncle, a very kind and gentle man passed away yesterday. I think the strain of worry for his wife might have stressed his weaken heart. After 52 years of marriage they were still very much in love and the poster people for the ideal relationship we all dream to have.

My aunt who my uncle affectionately named "Geraldine Chitwood, Hell Driver" because of her need for speed tried to pass a car on less than optimal roads. She lost control after she returned to her lane. She was hurrying home to be with her husband because with his health issues she did not like to be away for too long.

Thursday we decided to take my uncle to see her and then to the emergency room at another hospital due to his declining health. We welcomed the New Year in the emergency room. Finally about 1:00 am he was in his room. My uncle has always had a great sense of humor and with my odd sense of humor and my cousins observations we had a lot of fun with the ER staff. New Years Day his pressure started to drop and he was moved to ICU. I went to his hospital and other family members went to his wife's hospital to transfer her to his bedside. We were all together when he passed.

Between his sense of humor and her bubbly personality they were a joy to be around. My uncle never said a bad thing about anyone and recently when he called someone a crumbum we knew he was displeased with that person. I think we understood his disappointment in that person with that one phrase than in all the four letter words I might have used. He was not a complainer and after two quadruple bypass surgeries through the years, colon cancer and his last years with Parkinson's he never once felt sorry for himself. My NY's resolution is to be more like my uncle.

Several years ago they invited me for dinner. I always liked them but there had been distance. They asked me if I had anyone special in my life and if so they would like to meet him. Here were these two very Catholic people who were reaching out to me. When I was young they would bring everyone gifts but me. Therefore this new acceptance was a gift that made up for all the others.

Uncle you will be missed but as we began to share much of your humor right after your death the tears turned to laughter. I am glad I was with you and your son on New Years eve and we shared that prayer together. Thank you for your kind words. You of course know I will be there to help my aunt, your wife, in any way I can. Love you.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and your Aunt's misfortune. Let's hope that the New Year improves from here.

Take good care of yourself my friend.

I too add my condolences tugon. I lost my older brother and my mother five and fours ago respectively. Since then I have given all of my black clothes to St. Vincent de Paul because the black clothes reminds me of funerals. Five years ago I also lost two uncles and an aunt so I know how hard having a bad year can be. Fortunately, this too will pass and you can remember both the good things with your uncle and the final day with your uncle: you were there with him and this shows love from both sides. Being a Catholic myself I think I can say, judging from what you described, your uncle is in a better place and, for this reason, you can look up in the bright blue sky and just smile.

Dear Tugon,

I am very sorry to hear of the death of your uncle and your aunt's serious problems after the car accident. I hope she progresses well in recovery.

You know you can call to talk whenever you need to.

Hugs,

Danya

On behalf of the EA, and especially those, like you, that I hold close, my condolences on the passing of your uncle. It is never easy to let go of family. May the passage be joyed with the humor and presence of your uncle.

Thank you EricaAnn, bobberlove, Danya and Kristoff for all the thoughts and kind words. Yesterday at 3 PM we had the Chaplet, at 4-7 PM we had the viewing and at 7 PM was the vigil. Today at 3 PM we had the funeral. After the mass we had the bereavement meal.

As a recovering catholic who comes from a family who are big C Catholics I prayed out of respect but was interested in watching the peace this brought my aunt. If faith is a crutch she deserved one the past few days. Not only for her emotional needs but for her recovery from her accident. I am also impressed by my family who springs into action when someone is in need. We have all our spare times scheduled until she is able to be independent once again. We truly take care of our own.

Now the family sees this little brown eyed boy that no one understood as a loving caring person. It no longer matters that I never liked sports. My quiet demeanor is now considered comforting. In the past few days I have been shown much respect and affection. Are they finally proud of me?

I am happy that you are, at last, clearly being treated with respect and kindness. I hope this continues; you've waited so long for it and deserve it.

Hugs,

Danya

As a long time eunuch I find myself still very pleased with my castration. Often I think of what other changes I might like. Before castration was a reality I would fantasize about becoming a nullo and having vaginaplasty. I liked the idea of being penetrated by men without the discomfort I might have receiving anal sex. Today my lingering desire is to have a penectomy.

When I read about a penectomy I still find myself getting excited. Of course I know the desire is mostly just fantasy. For me it is not a need that must be satisfied for body integrity issues but an interest. I am surprised after all these years and with my lower drive that this still conjures up so many erotic feelings. I think I know of some of the motivation for a penectomy and have discussed that in previous installments of this thread.

I took a risk with my castration that I would never take with a penectomy and urethral reroute. I was offered a penectomy and reroute when castrated but even then I had enough control not to risk such a surgery. He brought the catheter and drainage bag with him in the hopes of talking me into it. Castration was enough to deal with at the time. I could not imagine trying to act like nothing had happened and having a catheter and leg bag. In my desire to keep my castration secret I returned to work much earlier than I should have.

Now I must admit that if I won the lottery I would have a penectomy. Of course with the money I would seek out a very skilled surgeon to perform the procedure. This time around I would like proper medical care. I think for years my ideal body image would be like Barbie's Ken. I would like to be tall, thin, good looking and nothing between the legs. Yes I know the only one I can really work on is to be thin. I still enjoy my penis when I am thinking about penectomies but I would not miss it. Unlike others I am not troubled by its presence but would like to achieve that smooth look.

Of course if I had my penis removed I would hate the idea of being incontinent. I have

tugon (imported) wrote: Sun Feb 26, 2006 3:22 pm never enjoyed anyone trying to please me

so that would never happen. I will say having a penis makes it easy to urinate when out in the woods or in a dark alley walking home from a bar. Like castration the fantasies and desires build until obsession and then into action. At this late stage of my life I guess it does not matter if I have a penis or not. I have no intentions of being with anyone so only I will know it is still hanging around. I could go from tugon to allgon.

As I mentioned in my blog I still have erotic dreams. The frequency is increasing and this troubles me. What is most upsetting is the dreams are of me as a sexual addict at my worst behaviorally. The dreams bring the fear of how easily I would regress to the old me.

During waking hours I do not have the desires I have in my dreams. The actions I find sexually exciting in the dreams often repulse me as I remember the dream. Oh and some of the activities did interest me at the peak of my addiction. Luckily having been castrated the dreams do not create fantasies I would need to act upon. Which I am sure I would if still under the influence of T.

Of course I am left to wonder about my brain. Is the addiction or compulsion so hardwired in my brain that I am still the same person I was before? Twelve years without T and the monster still lives within me. I have to wonder why at this time all the dreams are coming to remind me of how I lived my life and what complete control sexual addiction had over me. The most disturbing part is how much these dreams have excited me at first wakening.

The range from being very sexually excited while dreaming to repulsion while awake makes for some interesting mornings. During the day I will sometimes remember romantic periods in my life or daydream about a loving supportive relationship. Then I go to bed at night and my inner slut comes out. There is definitely a difference between my conscious and unconscious mind. Tonight I wish myself sweet dreams.

tugon (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 27, 2010 4:46 pm Of course I am left to wonder about my brain. Is the addiction or compulsion so hardwired in my brain that I am still the same person I was before? Twelve years without T and the monster still lives within me. I have to wonder why at this time all the dreams are coming to remind me of how I lived my life and what complete control sexual addiction had over me. The most disturbing part is how much these dreams have excited me at first wakening.

This fact reinforces my belief that we have more complicated mechanism that creates libido and sexual fantasies. T is only a catalyser for that system.

It seem to me like if one have abstained from any sexual activity long enough then part of non T related mechanism activates that creates these dreams.

For example if one has regular sex and acts to release his fantasies in some form of activity there are no wetdreams at all.

So, that is my thought.