Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Despite all that's happening, I'm experiencing "the peace the surpasses all understanding." So I know I'm on the right path.

Told wife of transition decision. Time for the bridges to start burning. She is going to tell our employer so that she may remain in the organization. (As a consequence of said notification, I will probably be terminated immediately without a chance to wrap up loose ends. Leprosy, you understand.) She wants to initiate divorce proceedings immediately. I won't get any visitation or custody rights, and our boy will go to her sister and brother-in-law in the event of her death. I am not going to contest the arrangement so that there may be peace; a constant tug-of-war which includes religiously-charged slander would only do more damage to our boy. She does not want child support lest I build an indirect case for visitation. Like I have said previously, this situation is little different from a death in the family. Thank goodness for mail and telephone.

If I get the time tonight, will compose and mail "coming out" letters to my family. We have a family vacation coming up in three weeks, so the issue must be aired soon. Otherwise, I would have to fumble and mumble when folks ask why our marriage is over.

"And the flames from the bridges that were burning that night illuminated the overcast sky with an eerie orangish-red glow, so bright it cast shadows a half-day's journey away, according to some witnesses."

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

July 15th ADDENDUM:

Considering how the past 5 days have gone, the quote below from Grace and Lace is worth repeating. Now that I have officially crashed, pretty spectacularly in my opinion, it all rings so true.

http://members.aol.com/gnlnews/

lives.html

Perhaps, had I met an early death from an accident or some disease, I would have never come to the crisis point in my life that essentially every transsexual eventually reaches. The repression, the continual striving to appear "normal" and the incredible psychological burden to maintain such an elaborate façade over decades of one's life eventually leads all of us to a point where it is impossible to go on any more. We become so depressed and despondent, some even to the point where we think we are losing our very grip on reality, that there is no longer any real "choice" any more. If we do not acknowledge who we are inside and attempt to deal with it some positive way, then our only other option is death. That is why there is such a high incidence of suicide amongst the transsexual population. That is also why so many intelligent, highly motivated, professional-type people end up transitioning in their late forties and early fifties- they have gone on for so very long, trying not to fail all of those who depend on them. But we are all eventually worn down and become unable to repress what we have always known about ourselves from an early age. So we "crash" in one way or another, some more spectacularly than others. But then we begin the long process of resurrecting our true selves from the ashes of our old false identity; a painful course of action for not only ourselves, but also for our families, friends and nearly everyone associated with us. The only reason we go on through such an excruciating and complex process called "transition" (involving hormone therapy, gender counseling, hundreds of hours of electrolysis (for M to F transsexuals) and, for most, multiple surgeries) is that there is no alternative, other than psychological (or a literal) death.

How do I feel? I'm doing just fine. No suicidal thoughts whatsoever. Even prayed for safety on the road today. All this without taking my medications! Why so good? Because I know the cure is on the way. Plus, the female formerly trapped inside has forcefully made herself known to the outside world. Wife's brother got FULL disclosure last night (and he still hugged me at the end). The coming-out letters are stamped and ready to go. A significant part of GID pain is having to keep the condition secret. You know what I say? (Watch out! Gonna be forceful here for the first time in this thread.) I say, "F*** those depression meds! Just let the lady out!"

Terri

[BudleyBare (imported)]

For Terri Briana,

Congratulations on your birth, and I am so relieved to hear the message from your written words. I was very concerned about you, and started saying prayers for you. It appears there was an answer from on high. There clearly will be more issues, but it sounds like the worst part is behind you now.

[plix (imported)]

Now that I've heard good news from you, I am not so worried anymore It seems like everything is coming together, and I am extremely happy for you. I am definitely looking forward to watching the next parts of your story unfold.

*Hugs*

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

I'm outta here. Won't be online again until Thursday probably.

Thanks for all your love and concern,

Terri

[tugon (imported)]

Terri,

I am glad you are becoming your true self. Coming out is a brave act. I will pray that one day your son will have the love and understanding to seek you out. If I can do anything please let me know.

[Christina (imported)]

Hi all,

I just spoke with Terri on the phone and she would like everyone to know the move is going well. On her way to Philly, Lilac and I plan to meet Terri for chat and dinner tomorrow evening here in town. I will give another update tomorrow.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

I too spoke with Terri last night and given everything she's been through.....she was doing very well. I understand that she even shaved off the beard for the first time in many many years. She's on her way now girls and I'm so happy for her. A new city, a new job, a new life and a new beginning. She is truly a wonderful girl and I'm very proud of her.

She asked that I let everyone know that she'll be off line for a couple days while in transit, but I'm sure we'll hear from her as soon as she arrives safely in Philly. Good luck and God's speed my sister!

[Christina (imported)]

Hi everyone,

Lilac and I just got back from our meeting with Terri. We sat and talked for about 2 1/2 hours over dinner. She seems very happy now, and yes, looks much different without the beard. We could have sat and talked for hours but she still had about an hour and a half left on her drive to Philly. She also sends her best to everyone and said she should be back online tomorrow.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Have arrived in Philly: my new home, my place of exile. Doing pretty well. Still no thoughts of suicide. In fact, had a fantastic time on the piano this morning. (So glad my sister has one.) Could tell the Spirit was empowering the playing.

My parents and siblings have been in communication among themselves about "THE LETTER," which will probably arrive today in their mailboxes. Mom told Dad, then they had a big pow-wow to warn the others what was coming.

Going to see a psychiatrist today to make the family happy. The 1.5 session will cost $250. The main concern is to see whether I am thinking rationally and assess to what extent depression is present. The doctor has seen "at least one" TG before.

No doubt, the gender identity will be probed, so I'm going to prepare for the inevitable question: "Why do you think you're female inside?"

The $250 price tag has one advantage. When things escalate to this degree, you don't hold ANYTHING back. These ARE the "big guns."

Got an insight into this complex situation: As you recall, I had been praying for death. God has, in a sense, granted that request for I am out from under those responsibilities and am "dead' to those back home. But now, instead of taking me to Heaven, God is saying, "You don't have to leave this earth just yet. There are still things you can do for Me, and we need to nurture/repair your wounded female identity."

NOTE: If the above paragraph or any of this post strikes you as irrational, please don't notify Dr. Twohundredandfiftybux.

* * *

Reflections from the trip:

On Sunday night, while preparing to shave my beard, considered whether to trim leg hair as well. But said to self, "It hasn't been bothering me." Then sensed the Lord saying, "Does it always have to be from pain?" Wise words. You can't drive a transition via pain alone. Used the 1/8th-inch trimmer.

On the road, saw a billboard for a Bible outlet store. Figured I needed a new Bible, a women's one. After all, need to nurture this female identity who's been brainwashed to think as a male. I had a real "can do" spirit and pulled off at the outlet mall. Lo and behold, the hotel by the outlet mall had this simple and bold sign: "WHATEVER IT TAKES." Exactly! Whatever it takes to beat this thing called GID. Also got a bookmark with the verse, "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." Even has a purple cord on it (my color).

While sitting down to lunch one day, saw a father carrying his young boy hug-style, and put my head down on the table to quietly weep. Ignored the food and drafted a "final letter" to my boy since it appears I'll have absolutely no visitation (no letters, no phone calls, no gifts). Wife and her family are on a witchhunt. They are inspecting the house with a fine-tooth comb to be sure I didn't leave any revealing messages behind for our son, telling him I feel like a girl inside. That same witchhunt mentaility is driving the "no visitation" policy.

Pondered whether to avoid transition and instead strive for androgyny. But realized that was an escape.

Practiced my voice quite a bit. Voice is my biggest fear.

Bought a purse to hold female toiletry/cosmetic items as I get them. Also got a sleeveless sleep shirt.

I'm finding all of this coming very naturally, like it was meant to be.

* * *

Christina and Lilac: Thanks so much for the time at dinner. Loved finally being able to meet you.

Terri