I'm posting this here because I will write some of my personal views about this season. At the same time, I do not intend to make this a religious or political argument. Someone here recently sent me a PM, noting that I describe a lot about my views of Chicago and downtown. At the same time, I give few details about what I actually do for a living. This is exactly my intention, although I was glad to give some specifics of my work life in a private response.

From what I write about my experiences in churches, positions I have held as a church organist and choir director and references to God people might draw conclusions about what I believe that are incomplete or even inaccurate. I'm not concerned about this. As with my job description, I deliberately leave out specifics about my personal religious beliefs. Some of you might be very surprised by what I believe and do not believe.

What I will say is this. I respect everyone's beliefs whether they happen to be based in Christianity or not. I do not view anyone else's faith, whatever it may be, as less valid than my own. I can relate to those who have no faith, too. For a time after I was assaulted, I truly felt the absence of love and believed there could not be a God. Certainly not a loving one.

With that in mind, I wish everyone the best for the holidays and the new year. For some, the best can mean that they make it through what can be a difficult time. There is the expectation that one will be happy, or should be, when this may not possible. So I left out "happy" from my wish to all. What I hope is that everyone is able to find some peace in their lives.

This is a link to a Jethro Tull song, from their album "Songs from the Wood." I was introduced to this song by a someone who is now a trusted friend:

"Ring Out Solstice Bells" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3woM079L_4)

My first day at my new job went very well. It was a much better experience than my first days at my downtown job. Several friends who work in fields related to mine predicted this would be the case.

My new work environment is very cool. It's in a western suburb, and while I miss downtown, I get a great view of the city from the 8th floor I'm on. The work spaces are very open. Everyone is very helpful. There are a lot of free 'goodies,' including Starbucks coffee, fresh fruit, bagels, oatmeal for breakfast, snacks and soda.

My commuting time is now, at most, one-third of what it was to get downtown. Plus, I do not have to pay to park.

For the recruiting agencie's background check, I had to disclose my former male name. When I did, there was no problem and the young woman helping me simply stated, "It's fine as long as you disclose the name change up front."

On the other hand, no one at this new company knows I am transgender. For this job, I decided not to tell anyone. This goes against the advice of my gender therapist. I haven't seen her in 4 - 5 months, so we never discussed the specifics for this job.

At the end of the day, I spent time speaking with a male contractor about my age. We had attended several meetings together earlier in the day. He mentioned that the men at these meetings (I was the only woman) treated me better than they ever did him. He's been there about a month. He definitely thought this was because of my gender.

I am really pleased with my new work ID photo. I look a lot like my favorite aunt. I may post that photo here for a few days.

I'm working on a huge e-commerce web project for.....I will not divulge the company here.

My new boss told me that I could get hired as a permanent employee. The company has been expanding quite rapidly for the last several years. If I am not offered a permanent position over the next 3 - 6 months, this project will give me more great experience to add to my resume.

There is the possibility that, should I still be a contract employee when GRS time arrives in mid-April, the company will want me to continue to work. I was pleased to hear that after three months, they will allow contractors to work remotely from home. After a 2-week recovery, I should be able to do this.

Danya,

Glad to here that it went so well at your new job. I hope that you are able to become permanrnt there if you decide that is what you want.

Since they don't know that you are transgender how are you going to justify the time off for your surgery in April. Also, are they going to be accepting of it?

Okay..here's my prediction...You'll be practically running the joint within a year or so...Those lucky bastards...They're going to find out about you shortly and thank their lucky stars they got you...Way to go! smooches dragonfly

I will respond to Mac and Dragonfly another time. Tonight, I'm a little upset. I broke up with 'X.' Speaking with Erica Ann helped a lot and I will be back to normal soon. Right now, though, I am hurting and feel like a fool. I should have accepted the reality of things in our relationship long before tonight.

A friend from my days in upstate New York once told me "dating and finding the right person is like going to the park; you have to go through a lot of crap before you get to the swings."

"X" and I had a lot of fun times together. Last night, I thanked him for that and wished him well as he pursues his career goals.

Our relationship was my first since transitioning, so I learned a lot. I have a much better idea of what I want, where I am willing to compromise and mistakes to avoid next time. If there is a next time.

Unlike "X," I don't feel I need to be in an intimate relationship to be complete and live a full life. I may never find the right man. I am open to possibilities but not desperate.

This is the last time I will mention "X" here.

I arrived home this evening, having spent a relaxing and fun Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with Erica Ann and her family. I am blessed to have both Erica Ann and her spouse in my life. They are part of my chosen family.

This morning, we went to the same church we attended last year. The music was very fine. When the introduction to the sung responsorial psalm was played, I noted to Erica Ann that this was the same musical setting they used last year. I loved it then and I did again today. As often happens when music moves me, I started to cry. My tears were not those of sadness but joy.

Unlike last year, the organ was used today, although it did not have a prominent role. In addition there were trumpets, a trombone, piano and a small set of tubular chimes. I jokingly told Erica Ann that the organist looked to be at about retirement age. I was imagining a potential job opening for me.

Like most years, I did not start listening to Christmas music until about 10 days ago. I soon discovered a Nigerian carol on one of my CDs that has sat unopened for several years. The music was performed at one of the Christmas concerts at my undergraduate college. I'd love to give out a link to the performance from my college but there is none and, more importantly, I would be handing out too much personal information. Yes, I know some of you are thinking "Too late to be concerned about that." Anyway, my admittedly biased opinion is that my school's rendition is the finest I have heard.

This carol is full of a strong, rhythmic, dance-like energy aided by a driving beat on several types of drums. This is particularly evident after the sung, slower introduction. Every time I listen to it, typically in the car, I sway my upper body, shoulders and head. I feel like getting out of the car and dancing. This reminds me of 'sacred dance,' which I first enjoyed during a church service many years ago.

Here is a link to Betelehemu (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8iW9AFr3VY), sung by a well-known choir in Salt Lake City. I'm listening to it now, streaming from this link.

Come February, I will likely drive hundreds of miles to hear the top choir from my college sing on their winter tour. A long time ago, when I was a teen living in the eastern megalopolis, I heard this choir at a concert in...one of those eastern megalopolitan metropolises. I already knew of the choir's reputation. Hearing them in a fine concert hall clinched it for me. I made the decision to go to this school. Back then, when I may have been smarter and even wiser, I wanted to be a music major. I started out as one at the college, too. Although I switched entirely to the sciences by the last half of my second year, I continued to take advantage of the many, frequent music performances at school.

I also continued my piano studies. I became bored with learning Haydn paino sonatos, Bach two-part inventions and similar things. Now, I value these for teaching technique and structure. Still, if I had been 'me' back then, I would have found another teacher more in line with the music I already knew I wanted to pursue.

I much prefer Beethoven's piano sonatas to Haydn's. There is one problem, though. Beethoven's piano sonatas are typically much more difficult to play. Not only are they longer but the music is, measure per measure, more challenging to master. But then, I've always enjoyed a challenge. It's part of that over-achieving thing I have noted. I am also mesmerized by the beauty of certain Beethoven piano sonatas. Nothing Haydn wrote affects me this way.

It was only later, when I took advanced organ lessons that I started to go crazy for J. S. Bach. Perhaps my favorite of his compositions for organ is the Prelude and Fugue ('Saint Anne') in E-flat Major. I learned this during my last stint with organ lessons, about five years ago in the Twin Cities. I had to memorize large sections of the work because it is so complex. On a pipe organ, playing this type of music requires two hands moving over multiple keyboards ('manuals') while simultaneously using both feet to play notes on the pedalboard that are often an entirely different melody from the hand parts. At the same time, one must make frequent changes to the selection of stops that affect the volume and tonal quality. This gets to be difficult.

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Dec 22, 2010 8:51 am __________________________________________________

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By writing about other things, I am deliberately diverting my attention away from the emotions I need to work through over the end of my relationship with my first boyfriend. I have spent time grieving and I am sure I will continue to grieve for a limited time. I realize I had a very rich life before we met. I’m already taking steps to reestablish my very active, single life. I do not like to stay at home and have no intention of moping about. I will return to spending more time on photography and actively looking for a place to play the piano and pipe organ.

At another time, I will write about what I learned from this relationship. It taught me a lot about myself, what I want, when I am willing to compromise and when I cannot without feeling I am being untrue to my core values.

Now I am crying and this is what I need to do, at times. In this relationship, I learned for the first time what it is like to be loved as a woman and to love a man in return. This was a gift.

Hi sweety...So sorry for your breakup...But, as usual, you have this amazing healing strength...Big smooches dragonfly

butterflyjack (imported) wrote: Mon Dec 27, 2010 10:22 am Hi sweety...So sorry for your breakup...But, as usual, you have this amazing healing strength...Big smooches dragonfly

Hi Dragonfly,

Thanks for your kind thoughts. I'm not sure I have 'amazing healing strength,' although I appreciate the compliment. Any strength I have is based on years of learning what works and what doesn't. There are times when I do not feel at all strong. Beyond a certain point, though, I accept that I need to push ahead no matter how I am feeling.

Hugs,

Danya

PS. The low res photo of me will be up for about a week. Then it's back to flower and landscape photos.

it it good to see that you are well , great photo , hope your holyday seasion was a blessing for you