Thursday September 30, 2021
I found a workaround that will let me complete this post without any associated concern about getting too personal or involving others. I doubt that I ever discussed this in an earlier EA post.
Many decades ago, I was told by a therapist that I had been an emotionally abandoned child. For some time I doubted this since, after all, hadn't my parents loved me?
Months later, I changed therapists for reasons I will not elaborate on here. Without prompting from me, this therapist also stated that I had been emotionally abandoned as a child. Eventually, I came to understand that this meant I had no childhood whatsoever. Through a lot of talk therapy, I realized what this meant for me. This therapist at one point told me I was a "damaged person." I didn't take his assessment well, thinking he could have found a gentler way to introduce his thought. But I let him know right away that I wasn't "damaged." Turns out, though, he was right.
[An aside: I know it's likely a number of folks here had far worse childhoods than mine; it is not my intention to minimize their experiences in any way. Rather, I seek only to explain, in part, how I was eventually able to move to a place of happiness from a very unhappy time as a child, adolescent, and young adult.]
As a child, I basically found refuge from my parents' emotional absence by withdrawing into myself. With only a superficial childhood friend or two at any given time, my time away from school and studying was spent practicing the piano, gardening, astronomy, and reading. All solo activities that I loved (and still do) but that were not at all good for social development.
I'm going to summarize the remainder of my adolescent/early adulthood years/mid-adult years by noting I had major depression. More details would drag me down.
After I fully accepted the "emotionally abandoned" argument, I decided that I had no choice but to be a parent to myself. Whether or not all psychologists agree with this approach, with enough time it worked for me. I was on my way to being a complete, adult person, not the two-dimensional person one therapist described me as. He was absolutely correct, btw. Because I didn't get who I truly am, there was no way I could open up to others.
It was some years later before I decided I needed to make a major change in my life. That is, come out as gay - a not uncommon conclusion for MtoF transgender folks who are attracted to men. If one is actually an MtoF woman, it's much, much easier to believe you're gay rather than transgender. You can get by without:
awkward talks with your boss and HR about the many changes to come,
changes to your appearance and wardrobe,
name change,
problems with your local driver's license bureau refusing to follow state law in offering you a license with your chosen gender,
Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT),
sex reassignment surgery,
changes to the name on your birth certificate or other important documents
and endless debates over whether there really was a difference between transsexual and transgender identifications. Hey, this was a while ago, folks!
If you'd be interested in any or all of the above, anyway. As if!
At this point in my journey, I barely knew what being transgender meant.
It took me a few more years before I started seeing a gay therapist who I soon asked out for lunch. He politely, and quite properly, refused. :-\ After we spoke for several visits, he did suggest that I might be transgender. I told him I was too old to transition. He shot back with the fact that he had a patient about 10 years older than I who was transitioning. This in no way convinced me that I was transgender, let alone that I should transition.
Amazingly enough, it took roughly another ten years before I fully accepted that I am transgender. It seemed the realization hit me out of the blue. Several good friends here were watching over me, knowing that at an earlier time on EA I thought I was a eunuch and had discussed that transition with a therapist. I will always be grateful for their loving concern.
I eventually transitioned from male to female, traversing the entire list of procedures and steps I listed in items 1 through 8, above. I consider my transition experience an adventure and a high point of my life. People that knew me before I transitioned still comment: "You glow," "You're so happy" (that one seems to particularly surprise folks!). I consider myself very fortunate to have come to this point in my life.
I remain happy with my life. Very few transgender women get married; I have a wonderful husband. Of course, my life is not an endless series of completely happy moments. I have down times but I'm now able to prevent those from hijacking my days.
Anyway, there was the time I first met Kristoff on a cold, snowy winter evening at a Minneapolis something or other (I think it was on Lyndale, Kristoff). I had on what I viewed as a macho leather jacket with a leather baseball hat. Kristoff wasn't buying it.....
Well, I need to save some items for later posts.
