I see my pain-management psychologist once a month. At my most recent visit last week, our conversation once again turned to my biological 'family.' He thinks I should continue to attempt to connect with them at unspecified longish intervals. I cannot do that. Every time I try, I am opening myself up for more pain when they do not respond. My chosen family, here and elsewhere, is what's important to me.

I'm losing sleep over thoughts of trying again to connect with those I likely share a significant amount of DNA with. If my discussion with this psychologist were not about these 'bio people,' but rather a similarly distressing 'unrelated' topic over which I have no control, I would quickly call an end to the conversation. I might decide to find a new therapist, too. Repeatedly trying to connect with my siblings is like continuing to pursue an unrequited love. I'm being ambushed by the therapist's repeated appeals to my never verbalized desire to be loved (and, at last, accepted for who I am today) by the sibs. That's not going to happen. Ever.

I will give this psychologist one more chance, only because I found it very difficult to find a psychologist specializing in pain management who was accepting new patients. I will go into the session prepared to cut off any discussion of my genetically-related humans. But if he repeatedly tries to bring the conversation around to my un-family, I will get up and leave (after telling him why.)

It helps so much to write!

Each evening right after dinner, 'D' and I spend 10 - 15 minutes discussing our day and any concerns we have about our relationship. Last night, I described my problems with my pain management psychologist. 'D', who has a bachelor's degree in psychology, quickly responded that I should tell the guy my concerns and then dump him. I agree!

I probably spend far too much time trying to figure out the 'why' behind my reactions on certain subjects. Like my biological family. In that case, however, I know why I react negatively to suggestions that I should try connecting with them yet another time. This goes back to my parents' emotional abandonment of 'little Danya' and the fact that I had to fake it as a child and young adult. I knew I could not let them know who I really was or they would reject me. It was only when my father died that I felt liberated to be me. My California brother reacts to 'Danya' as my father would, only more so. My TX brother is, perhaps, more accepting. At least he would not reject me verbally. He would simply refuse to talk about my life as it is. His wife is his gate keeper. She wants to filter what he hears so minimize the chance of his learning anything that might be the least bit uncomfortable to consider. Six years ago, I concluded that there was no way 'Danya' would be accepted by either brother unless I pretended to be my pre-transition self. I cannot do that.

They know that I am always open to hearing from them. The door is open, all they need do is walk in. Perhaps as they grow older, they will view me differently although I doubt it.

E...

Danya (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 14, 2016 12:43 pm They know that I am always open to hearing from them. The door is open, all they need do is walk in. Perhaps as they grow older, they will view me differently although I doubt it.

That is all you can do. That's all I can say.

However "they" want to live is up to them. It isn't your fault or your burden to make them change.

I know that hurts because I have some relatives who never seek out the family and never phone or call or even send Christmas or birthday cards.

I know this sounds rough but it took me a long time to understand that.

There is a world out there that simply flows around us and that we need not interact with.

This is not a simple thing to put into words. I know it but I have never said it:

Our lives are like boats in a giant ocean. They are on their own journey. I know that is a hackneyed metaphor but you can no more change parts of the real world than you can change the paths of the other boats on that metaphorical ocean.

My Mother used to assemble the family for holidays and it was torture to get the gang together. It was like some did not want to be there and tried hard to make it impossible. I will not invest the emotional energy to get them all together. Some of them have not spoken to me since my Mother's funeral and it is like they don't want the family or the brothers and sisters they were raised with.

I can't change that and I won't try. I do wonder and think about it but I leave that emotional baggage to them.

I can't take that burden on myself when the actions are theirs.

I don't know it that helps.

Dave (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 14, 2016 10:02 pm That is all you can do. That's all I can say.

However "they" want to live is up to them. It isn't your fault or your burden to make them change.

I know that hurts because I have some relatives who never seek out the family and never phone or call or even send Christmas or birthday cards.

I know this sounds rough but it took me a long time to understand that.

I don't know it that helps.

Thank you for taking the time to share your own experience. It does help, a lot.

I think I am back to a realistic view of my biological family. At the very least, I feel at peace about them and their lack of communication.

Danya (imported) wrote: Fri May 28, 2010 7:58 pm __________________________________________________ _________________________________

As I moved from place to place, renting a room in people's houses, from early 2010 through late 2012 I gradually gave up a number of possessions. This included leaving behind a large number of classical music CDs that I treasured. I lost the energy to keep moving it all. My birthday present from 'D' was a gift certificate for Amazon. I used that to replace many of the CDs I'd left behind including the complete solo piano works of Brahms. These arrived today. I'm in heaven listening to some of these now. I'm still hopeful that someday my pain will lessen enough so that I can again play Brahms.

My husband "D" and I recently returned from a very relaxing warm-weather destination vacation. We chose this spot in part so that "D" could check it out as a possible place for a move. I've been there before and like it. Now "D" does, too. My pelvic pain was greatly reduced in the warm weather. Feeling very relaxed likely helped. too. We won't make a move/stay decision until late this year or in 2017. I've told several medical-type folks about how well I did on this trip. Every one said we should consider moving to this spot for an improved lifestyle.

We have reasons not to move. We continue to make new friends here, we both like the church we attend and I'm starting a new business that may perform better here.

Danya (imported) wrote: Fri May 28, 2010 7:58 pm __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________

I'

ve abandoned my latest idea for a scientifically-oriented business because it is too deadline driven. My pelvic pain is unpredictable and there are times when I need to spend a day or two in bed to get the pain under control. The new business includes something I am passionate about: trans* advocacy. At the suggestion of a friend, I have applied for membership in WPATH (The World Association for Transgender Health). Perhaps naively, I'm going for full membership, which seems to mean you have significant experience working with trans* folks in some capacity. My experience is being a live and breathing MtF trans* woman and advocating for trans* inclusion in several church-related organizations. I'm also a co-author on one of the papers mentioned on this site that describes Standards of Care for those with a Eunuch gender identity. The new business will be driven by my self-imposed deadlines rather than external ones.

Just got an email from WPATH. They're notifying me that they have my application. I should allow 4 weeks for my application to be reviewed. I'm hopeful that if I don't qualify for full membership I will be offered supporting membership.

Danya (imported) wrote: Fri May 28, 2010 7:58 pm __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ______________________________________________

Almost two years ago, I started pestering the pastors of my church to add a specific welcome for trans* folks to the existing welcome statement. That includes sexual orientation but no mention of trans* folks or gender identity and gender expression. An early result of my advocacy is that the church added gender identity and gender expression to their non-discrimination statement in the hiring manual. After that, they added trans* health benefits to the employee medical plan. I've led two forums on trans* lives. Both were very well attending and well received. During late February to late March, I led a series of five book studies on what it means to be transgender. The congregation will vote on the suggested welcome statement (including gender identity and gender expression) soon. The changes are expected to easily pass.

I am very pleased with how all of this has worked and my role in creating this change.

Danya (imported) wrote: Fri May 28, 2010 7:58 pm __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _________________________________________________

When I spoke with a friend yesterday, I felt very low on energy. Turns out I'd neglected to take my testosterone supplement! :-\ Without it, my T level is lower than that of natal women of a similar age. While I am not happy with the increased body hair growth caused by the T, I need to use it much more regularly.

My application for WPATH membership was approved in one day! WPATH had indicated the application review time would take four weeks.

Congratulations! Good news, indeed. --FLO--

Danya (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 08, 2016 7:23 am My application for WPATH membership was approved in one day! WPATH had indicated the application review time would take four weeks.

Congratulations. Welcome aboard. I'm sure they immediately saw your qualifications and how you could add to the organization.

Uncle Flo (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 08, 2016 7:43 am

JesusA (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 08, 2016 8:16 am Congratulations! Good news, indeed. --FLO--

Congratulations. Welcome aboard. I'm sure they immediately saw your

qualifications and how you could add to the organization.

Thanks Uncle Flo and Jesus!

Over the last week, I was reminded of something important for both my life and the success of the new business. I need to get out and meet with people. I'm much more social now than before I transitioned. Getting out for a book club this morning was good. I also need to meet with folks who are interested in the (eventual) products of my business. Not only to network but also to learn. If I stay home all week I get cabin fever and my work suffers.

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Apr 06, 2016 11:38 am Almost two years ago, I started pestering the pastors of my church to add a specific welcome for trans* folks to the existing welcome statement. That includes sexual orientation but no mention of trans* folks or gender identity and gender expression. An early result of my advocacy is that the church added gender identity and gender expression to their non-discrimination statement in the hiring manual. After that, they added trans* health benefits to the employee medical plan. I've led two forums on trans* lives. Both were very well attending and well received. During late February to late March, I led a series of five book studies on what it means to be transgender. The congregation will vote on the suggested welcome statement (including gender identity and gender expression) soon. The changes are expected to easily pass.

I am very pleased with how all of this has worked and my role in creating this change.

Wonderful to hear. My church that accepted me in 2000 as a member despite knowing I'm transgender, ordained me an Elder in 2001 despite knowing I'm transgender had it's last service this past Sunday. The Presbytery closed us because we were so small. Now my wife and I have to find a new church but we've been invited to another church where the pastor has called for transgender acceptance from the pulpit during a sermon.

Congratulations on the WPATH acceptance.