Hormones (estrogen based) take several forms..I take 2- 2mg tablets of Estrofem daily..I believe it's a birth control drug....estradiol...Know any girls on birth control?? See if they have my size...44B ? Jackie

butterflyjack (imported) wrote: Sat Feb 02, 2013 11:27 am I checked out those pictures of yourself...You really are an attractive person..Very feminine...Love your shape..

o (◡‿◡✿) THANK YOU!!!

Know any girls on birth control??

I did look into that possibility, since birth control pills are very readily available, but apparently these pills are almost entirely progesterone-based, with virtually no estrogen at all. It varies depending on the brand, but in general they're not enough to be a form of HRT. The estrogen pills/patches that are generally used for feminizing are hormone-replacement products for menopausal women, including both Estrofem and Climara. They are designed to COMPLETELY replace the missing hormones in someone's endocrine system, rather than just messing with the balance

butterflyjack (imported) wrote: Sat Feb 02, 2013 11:31 am of hormones that cause menstruation like bir

th-control does.

See if they have my size...44B ? Jackie

Sadly, no, the kind that I was looking at only goes up to a 42. Let's face it, most women who have upper bodies as big as ours are generally much better-endowed. So anything with a B cup above size 40 is a rarity. They definitely exist all over the internet, just not generally in mass-market retail stores. (just be glad you're not an A. Those are practically IMPOSSIBLE to find, in almost every size.)

I think you look quite feminine in the pictures. With a little HRT you shouldn't have any problem passing as a female.

Generally, on my orders from Inhouse, I won't see any updates on the tracking until it actually arrives at my post office. It will go for weeks saying it's at the shipping center, then one day it will say it's at my post office. It usually takes a couple of weeks for an order to arrive. I would be a little concerned about an order that hasn't arrived in 18 days.

I have been ordering from them for years, though, and every shipment has arrived. I trust them.

OFFICIAL LACK OF HORMONE-REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY FOUR: (Day twenty-five since I first started.)

Well, if it isn't obvious from the title, still no shipment, and as such I'm still just making it by without any estrogen at all and with only a half-dose of androcur. It's been 4 days since my last estrogen patch expired now, and by my calculations on the half-life of estrogen, my E levels are now down under 3% of where they have been for the last 2 weeks. I'm really getting worried about this shipment. Every source that I've ever heard has said that Inhouse deliveries NEVER take more than 2 weeks. Well, now it's been a whopping 19 days. SOMETHING is wrong. I don't know what, but I'm starting to doubt that I'm going to be getting this shipment any time soon. And unfortunately, I didn't order the backups until last Monday, so the earliest the backup order could possibly arrive is three days from now, with next Thursday or Friday seeming more likely given past delivery times. So in all likelihood, I'm going to be stuck without estrogen or a full dose of androcur for a LONG time. I might even run out of androcur before it makes it, because as of tonight I only have 5 pills remaining. I'm still pretty pissed about this, but I've complained enough about it already, so let's just move on.

On a good note, I felt much happier today. (Probably because I didn't have work, and as such I was able to chill, and just spend the whole day taking it easy instead of freaking out and feeling trapped within my work environment like yesterday. Plus I had a REALLY nice talk with Jenny last night, where she actually complimented me and said that I already look better than one of the transgender girls who's reffing at roller derby bouts, so that added to it also. She's being REALLY supportive! Yay!) Anyway, thanks to having the day off, the biggest goal that I had for the entire day today was to go shopping and find a bra that actually fits me.

You know, there was something about my mindset today that I find really hilariously ironic. The feminine feelings in my head are definitely fading. I don't have that sense of girly happiness, that same sense of alertness and spontaneity, or that same sense of feeling motivated to do things that are feminine. And yet, at the same time as my mind has been slipping back into "dull grey drear" mode where I just don't care about anything, my self-identity has never been more feminine. There were just some REALLY weird things that happened in my mind today, where I had to actually remind myself "woah, slow down there, girl, don't forget that you still have the body of a male." Like when I was imagining bra shopping at Macy's, suddenly I noticed that it didn't seem weird to me at all, it just seemed like something that I, being a girl, naturally did. It took a moment before it occurred to me "oh, wait, I'm still a guy. I'll be a guy in the women's bra section. That should be awkward or weird." But it wasn't. I don't think I've EVER felt so confident about my femininity. When I got to Macy's, I didn't hide, I didn't pussyfoot around, I just went right there, even asked the clerk for help when I couldn't find what I was after, I didn't make a single excuse, and I didn't feel the least bit shy about it. (And no, I wasn't wearing the wig, so it's not because I was in "girl mode." I wasn't.) And when I was calling a local hair-removal clinic to ask about how much a full-face treatment would cost, for the first time to ANYONE I was just able to come out and say "I'm transgender, so that's why I'm looking for this," and she actually kind of chuckled and said "Ah, okay. One of my ex-boyfriends was transgender, so I know what you're talking about." And she even got to explain to me that the hormones might lead to some complications with the laser. I'm really proud of myself in this regard. It's like I've finally accepted who I am on the inside, and I'm not ashamed of it anymore.

I spent most of the day at home in "girl mode" with the wig on once again. And I still just can't get over how that wig actually makes me read my own face as being female. I must have been looking in the mirror like every five minutes today, smiling each and every time I saw myself. And this mental image is still just staying with me at every moment, and it's now how I see the true me. I SERIOUSLY thought about going outside in "girl mode" today. That's how confident I'm feeling all of a sudden. If it weren't for my lack of a female voice, I might have. Hell, I might even just go ahead and officially transition once I have the voice down. I never realized how happy being a girl would make me. And I actually feel kind of stupid about this. Maybe one of the reasons that I waited so long to do this, and never pursued it more actively in high school, is because I never had a "girl mode" before. I never had the clothes, I never had the time or money to experiment with wigs and female clothes and the like. So although I spent all of high school knowing that I felt more like a girl, and wished that I could be one, I had no concrete evidence to back it up, just hunches. But now, actually having a "girl mode," I am just completely blown away by how much more I like myself, how much more this "girl mode" makes me feel like I'm seeing my true self for the first time, and how much I like this true self. I seriously suspect that if I'd had access to a "girl mode" in high school, I would have transitioned YEARS ago. Looking like a girl really is like a complete revelation, one that completely shattered everything that I thought I knew about my self-image and catapulted it into a new state of existence. I am ready to transition. Seriously. I had originally thought that maybe it was still at least a year or so in the future, but now I'm thinking more and more that it may be mere weeks away. And as far as I'm concerned, the sooner the better. I truly have found myself, for the first time in my entire adult life.

In regards to how the bra shopping went, it was a complete 100% success. After Jenny kindly loaned me a couple of her old Bali bras to try out, and I liked them much better than the cheap Fruit of the Loom bra that I bought at Wal-Mart a while back, I decided that it would be great if I could find it in a 42 instead of a 40. And I did. And they're amazing! Anyone else who is bra-shopping, I highly recommend the Bali Comfort Revolution line. These things are SO soft and stretchy, they actually feel really good around your chest. I bought both a generic XL one, which is designed to fit sizes 40DD, 40D, 42C, and 42B, and I LOVE it! I'm wearing it right now. I also bought a padded bra in a 42B as well, which really helps make my bust size look more feminine while I'm in "girl mode," and two of those as-seen-on-TV "Genie Bras," which again are designed for a variety of sizes, to go with it. (Those admittedly aren't as comfortable as the Bali bras, but they are a heck of a lot cheaper, at $10 each instead of $35 each.) So as of tonight, I officially have a set of bras that actually fit, and are actually really comfortable, for the first time ever. I plan to start wearing them every single day. (After all, I'm going to have real boobs soon, so I might as well get used to it.) And they REALLY make me feel more feminine. It's fun to have that little extra intimate pair of underwear down there, something else private and just for you.

And as one final note, I do have a physical update to report. After a week and a half of pretty much feeling completely uninterested in anything sexual, I finally did climax again this morning. And honestly, I really don't feel like ANYTHING has changed down there. I still got an erection just fine when I wanted to, it was just as hard as normal, it was just as easy to reach orgasm as normal, and if anything, it felt better than normal. (This was a really good one.) And yet there is definitely something that is different. The liquid that finally did come out when I reached orgasm barely even looked like sperm anymore. It was yellowish, and almost completely liquid, and barely even translucent. So it's clear that the androcur is indeed still keeping my T levels down low, even at half-doses. And my sexual-response cycle feels COMPLETELY different than before the trial. Today right before I got into it, there was NO tension whatsoever. Almost none of that "have to release" feeling. And once I was done, there was almost none of that normal "refractory" feeling. I almost felt like I could have just done it again right there if I wanted to. (I didn't try, because I felt plenty satisfied with just one, but that's what I felt like anyway.)

Man, this entry was just all over the place today. (And honestly, it feels REALLY weird to talk about having guy parts now. Because my new identity is definitely a girl, and as such I've REALLY felt like those things are out of place over the last few days. It was FREAKY when I was playing with them this morning, like there was just this disconnect where they felt like they were someone else's. And when I looked in the mirror, still having the wig on, they just looked completely out of place.) But anyway, it was a day with many small things to talk about, and no real overarching feelings to tie them all together. It was a confusing day, and a lot of stuff happened, but emotionally I'm pretty much back to being in "meh" mode, so it feels more like a list of things that I did rather than some greater experience that taught me a big lesson about myself.

Anyway, till tomorrow.

-Carrie

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ) ♫･*:.｡. .｡.:*･

EDIT: Oh, man, I don't know what just happened, but all of a sudden about an hour after originally making this post, I just hit a total brick wall of depression. Suddenly my "anger" response came back out of nowhere, and I broke out into a fit of yelling at my PS2 for no adequately-explained reason. I can't drum up any enthusiasm to do anything fun, and I'm just right back into "dull gray drear" mode where every little thing annoys me, and I just can't seem to drum up any significant happiness. NO!!!!!! DAMN IT!!!!!! I thought I was past this! I NEVER wanted to experience this AGAIN!!! WHY, GOD, WHY????? Why do you torment me so? I swear it, once this stupid shipment finally does arrive, I am NEVER going back to these stupid male hormones that are now taking back over EVER AGAIN!!!!!!! Why the hell are you putting me through this? I know who I am. I finally knew for

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 22, 2013 8:48 pm the first time in my entire life!

And now you've taken it back away from me and thrown me right back into "dull gray drear mode." If this is a "test," like I thought it was, then I quit. Bring the real me back, damn it!!! This isn't funny!

(I'm going to crawl into bed and go cry now...)

Sorry that I am getting so far behind on this thread.

Cheetaking, your pics show that your femininity is coming along well, and one day I am sure that you will be able to pass as female. You look happy in those pictures, and that's the main thing.

I hope that your current anger can subside quickly.

Thanks everyone who made comment about estrogen and its unlikeliness to assist most men with happiness. I agree that it would be unlikely to assist me, but then again, one just never really knows when it comes to 'mileage', and I wouldn't say never to ever giving it a go. I think that anything tried for less than a month is likely to not do any long term damage, unless it's an addictive pill. But anyhoo, for now I just see what happens; see what the universe has in store for me, as they say. My happiness levels are reasonable at present.

I think you need to try and take some comfort in the knowledge that your meds are on the way, whether the first replacement order or the 2nd one you placed last week. In the meantime you have gained a lot of certainty from the trial as well as from the unfortunate delay in getting more meds. You've also found that Jenny is there for you, willing to help you, and apparently do whatever else BFF's do for their girlfriends. So there are some non-chemical positives that will still be there for you when the meds finally arrive.

It also would seem to be a good time to find and informed consent clinic that will prescribe hormones to an adult without making them go through all the psychological hoops first. OR find an endocrinologist who can prescribe and supervise your medications. A Gender Clinic/Shrink would also be advisable.

It sucks to have to wait, but they will get there, and best try and focus on the positives you've discovered this last month.

{{Hugs}}

Okay, so before I start writing this, I just want to let everyone know that I am purposefully splitting today's entry into two separate entries. The emotions that I felt during the two distinct parts of today were SO far apart from each-other that trying to combine them into one entry somehow just would not do these emotions justice whatsoever. As far as I'm concerned, this was two separate days, even though it all happened within one cycle of the earth's rotation. So I'm going to start off with the "lack of hormone-replacement log" part of it, during the part of the day where I felt so absolutely miserable that I can hardly even describe it, and then the next entry will be the "hormone replacement log" part of it, where this mood abruptly did a complete 180 for no adequately-explained reason. So here goes! Hold on, because this first part of the entry is REALLY terrible. You've been warned. This started off as one of the absolute worst days of my entire life.

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Sat Feb 02, 2013 7:39 pm OFFICIAL LACK OF HORMONE-REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY F

IVE: (day twenty-six since I first started)

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold." That is a quote by the great JRR Tolkein, written for the ending of the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, for when Frodo returns to the Shire after his unbelievable journey, and yet even though the Shire has been saved, he realizes that he can never go

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 14, 2013 11:36 pm back to the way things were before

his journey. His journey has completely changed him. There is also a brilliant scene in the Lord of the Rings movies, where the four hobbits are sitting at the Green Dragon, and all around them are the sounds of merrymaking hobbits, hobbits who have never had a care in their lives, going about things as normal. And the four heroes quietly clink their mugs together, clearly feeling a sense of heaviness as they realize that they can't really relate to that kind of mindset anymore, that after all they have seen and been through, that they will never have that same kind of innocent carefree glee back. Why do I bring this up? Because that is what I have really felt

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 31, 2013 8:45 pm like today.

These past three weeks have D

EEPLY changed me. For the very

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 09, 2013 10:21 pm first time in my entire life, I

have experienced true happiness. I have experienced what it's like to have a true sense of self for the very first time, what it's like to FINALLY feel like I was starting to like myself, and feel like the thoughts in my head were correct, and my personality actually matched the thoughts up there. What an AMAZING experience. It's been three straight weeks of almost consistently being the happiest that I've ever been in my entire life. And what an absolutely AMAZING thing it was to finally have a "girl mode" for the very first time. But now, five days without estrogen later, it's completely gone. Today, I realized that I was starting to once again feel almost exactly like I had felt for virtually every single day of my life before I ever started this trial... "dull gray drear" mode. A "meh" mood where I just couldn't seem to get excited about anything, and where I no longer had that sense of self, and once again felt "masculine" in the brain, where I just didn't seem to care about anything, and slog through life. But although this mindset is familiar, and is the same as it always was, it is not the same. I used to be able to put up with it relatively well, because I didn't know any other mindset, and had never really felt anything else beyond my little zone of mental familiarity. But now being back in this mindset, it feels like absolute torture. Because now I HAVE experienced true happiness. And I HAVE experienced something different... a true sense of self, a true feeling that my mind finally was working right. And as such, I've realized that now I can never go back to the way things were. Now that lack of emotion that I had become so used to, feels like I'm emotionally dead inside. That lack of feminine happiness feels like all of the life and vitality has been sucked out of me. And I'm feeling so completely and utterly depressed now that I can't even recall what that happiness felt like, let alone how to get it back. Being back in this mindset suddenly just feels completely hopeless, completely life-sucking, and like absolute torture every single minute that I still have to be stuck in it.

My anger is back. In a big way. Last night, while I was playing my PS2, suddenly my anger response to every single little thing that went wrong just absolutely exploded. I broke out into fits of terrible swearing, yelling at the TV, yelling at the inanimate commentators in the game, just feeling aggrivated and irritated by EVERYTHING. And this only got worse this morning. Before I left for work, still feeling absolutely terrible, I actually sang the entirety of the "Uncle Fucka" song from the South Park movie. (which meant that I said the word "fuck" a whopping 31 times. And I was STILL angry even after that.) I was yelling at cars the entire way to work, and at the same time I was just crying out to God in complete and absolute misery, asking Him "WHY???? WHY????? I NEVER wanted to experience this mindset again as long as I lived!!! I thought I was past this! This isn't me!!! This is the exact OPPOSITE of me! WHY!!!??? WHY?!!!!! THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!!!!" And I felt like crying, and felt like absolutely giving up. EVERYTHING annoyed me, EVERYTHING made me feel completely hopeless, and there just wasn't an ounce of happiness to be found ANYWHERE that I looked today. Listening to music didn't make me happy. Watching the snow didn't make me happy. Playing games, and writing, and a hundred other little things that I usually look to for happiness, not a single one of them did me any good today. They all just felt like a chore. I just couldn't escape the feeling of complete and utter depression, feeling like I wasn't myself anymore, feeling so hopeless and bitter about my situation, and just wanting to throw a chair over because I was so upset about this whole thing.

It has been a VERY long time since I've felt this miserable. The last time that I felt this bad was back in high school, and my first few years of college, during which I really did feel like I had no hope at times. And I'd cry myself to sleep, thinking about how there was no hope for resolving my gender situation, no hope of ever finding love, no hope of ever succeeding in school, and every single little thing in my life just made me feel bitter and angry. That feeling was back today. For the first time in at least 7 years.

The only positive thing that I can say about this kind of sheer and utter misery, is that it really does make you think. I thought back, when was the last time I felt this lousy? And I kind of realized something. I used to feel this miserable all the time. And the thing that finally stopped making me feel this way was when I met Jenny. I remember that back when I first started talking to her, I was still an absolute emotional wreck. I remember how nervous I felt trying to explain to her that I had tran

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Sat Feb 02, 2013 7:39 pm ssexual thoughts, and how terrible I felt w

hen I had to explain to her that I was one semester away from failing out of college. And then something happened. She was okay with it. And for the first time in my entire adult life, I felt true love. And just like that, suddenly everything started getting better. I felt like I had a future again. Suddenly I was able to put up with my transsexual thoughts better, and I started getting decent grades in school again, and I stopped relying on playing poker for my moments of temporary happiness. And that happiness has stayed with me all these years. Until, that is, now. Because as of now we're officially broken up. And after 6 straight years of being able to see a potential happy family just around the corner, suddenly now that feeling is gone. And even looking back into high school, I really suspect that the only reason I survived 10th and 11th grades were because I started falling in love with girls, and it took my mind off of my own problems. When you really think about it, I have NEVER been happy in my entire adult life without a romantic relati

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 28, 2013 8:56 pm onship... until, that is, 4 weeks ago.

This hormone trial, where I admitted that I was transsexual and started on HRT, was the first time in my ENTIRE adult life where I was actually happy without a romantic relationship. (She broke up with me about a month before I decided to do it.) But now that the HRT is gone, and I'm feeling so down on myself, now I'm right back to feeling what really is my default state of existence as a guy: complete and utter misery.

So this total depression today has certainly convinced me of one thing: I can't ever go back to being a "normal" guy now. Ever. Because now, knowing what I know about how happy I am on estrogen, and knowing what I know about what my true default mental state as a guy is when I'm not blinded temporarily by the warm glow of love, I really am not ever going to be able to go back to normal. (Love is not an answer, because that is all-too-often temporary. And once it's gone again, I'll be right back to feeling depressed and unsatisfied.) So I really have lost something now. I have now completely lost my old self. That Charlie that I thought I knew for my entire life, that I thought was me, I can't ever go back to being him. My life has been changed forever, and all that is familiar, all that I knew, it's never going to be able to return to normal. There are some hurts that go too deep, some things that time cannot mend. NOTHING in guy mode will ever be able to replace the emptiness in my heart that I now feel because now I actually know what it's like to have that emptiness filled for the very first time. My old self is gone. By taking estrogen, I have taken a step too far. I had thought that if it didn't work out, that I could always go back to normal. But now I know that I can't. Nothing will ever be able to return me to the way that I was before this trial. And no, I really do not want to return to the way that things were, but it still feels like a very deep loss... a self that I really wasn't prepared to give up so soon.

There's no turning back now. I'll never be able to return to the way that my life was pre-hormones. The only thing that is left for me is to keep pressing on, into the feminine unknown, if I ever want to be truly happy again.

So, let this be a dire warning to anyone else who thinks that they might be transsexual, and is considering doing a hormone trial like me. This is NOT to be taken lightly. It is a life-changing thing. You will experience things that you've never experienced before, and your life WILL change as a result. If you're expecting to just be able to quit and go right back to the way things were, I'm telling you, that may not be true. So if you're really not sure about this, not sure that you're ready to completely leave your old self behind in order to gain a new feminine self, please think twice. Because even though I'm totally okay with continuing the HRT and going on until I'm completely female, I really was not ready for such a drastic change so quickly. And I REALLY was not ready for how absolutely depressed I'd feel once I ran out of estrogen and thus had to go back to normal male hormones. And now I know, once this next shipment does arrive, now that I know how absolutely terrible I feel when I'm off of the hormones, I will never be able to go back off of them. I've basically committed myself to a lifetime of hormone treatments now, and there's really nothing that I can do about that.

Anyway, that was today. It completely freaking sucked. I feel like all of the femininity, all of the sense of self, all of the life and vitality, has just been sucked completely out of me. I HATE feeling angry at things again, and I HATE feeling so depressed. These things just aren't me. Feeling these kinds of thoughts in my head is like I'm being attacked by a virus that infects my true mind with emotions that aren't mine. But now I'm stuck with this mind that is no longer mine, until the next shipment of E arrives to finally make it right again.

You've been warned. This is serious business.

-Carrie.

(And no, I do not feel like "Carrie" whatsoever in my mind right now, but at the same time I now know that I'm never going to be able to go back to being a guy again, so I'm using it anyway. I might as well.)

Songs for the day, that unfortunately fit my mood today almost perfectly: (hint: If I were singing these, I wouldn't actually be singing about literal love...)

-"Unfinished Life" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_ocQonZoMI) by Kate Wolf

-"Here in California" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR9R6PEIow4) by Kate Wolf

-"SOS" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvChjHcABPA) by ABBA

-"Goodbye to Love" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jixeE8gkT-s) by The Carpenters

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 25, 2013 9:58 pm OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY

TWENTY-SIX:

And now we come to what is perhaps the most bizarre ending possible to this day.

After a whole day of work where I was feeling absolutely miserable, ready to cry out for mercy, seething with internal anger, just wanting to be anywhere but there, and wanting nothing more than to go home, bury my head under the covers, and cry myself to sleep, something happened.

Suddenly, out of the blue, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, at about 8:00 at night, all of this bitterness, anger, and depression just instantly vanished. Poof! Gone. Like it had never even happened. And just like that, I was right back to feeling almost exactly the same as the way that I felt during the first 3 or 4 days of chem-castration... calm, i

cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 28, 2013 12:29 am n control, peaceful, happy, and a

ble to once again appreciate all of the little things in life. The anger was completely gone, the depression was completely gone, and that masculine sensation where I feel like the thoughts in my head don't belong to me was gone too. I was so happy I could have cried. After three straight days of feeling the most miserable that I've felt since the absolute lowest point of my life, high school, suddenly it was gone in an instant. What an unbelievable relief this was.

So, yeah, now out of the blue I'm right back to feeling like I'm in chem-castration mode, just like it was in the very beginning. Just like it was when I finally decided that I was going to be a chemical eunuch permanently. This feeling, I can live with. No, it's not as happy as when I'm on estrogen, and I don't feel very feminine either, but it's still very pleasant. I'm not angry, or tense, or bitter, I'm just very peaceful and calm and in-control. This is the feeling that I was hoping for in the first place when I started this whole thing, long before I had even dreamed of how unfathomably happy estrogen would make me.

Above all, once again I feel patient. For the last three days, I seriously wondered how I was going to survive the wait until the next HRT shipment arrived, because every single day felt like absolute torture. But now, mercifully, I'm back to feeling like a version of myself that I can handle. As long as I can stay in this mindset, waiting another 3 or 4 days for the next HRT shipment won't feel like any big deal at all. Because I feel very pleasant. (And no, sadly the shipment did not arrive today. I'll be contacting Inhouse tomorrow to report the delay, as it will have officially been 3 weeks then.)

In any case, this sudden return to chem-castration mode made me think about what had just happened to me, and why, and here's the potential explanation that I was able to come up with:

I believe that because I ran out of estrogen AND cut myself back to a half-dose of androcur at the exact same time, that suddenly my T levels spiked back up. (That would definitely explain the random sexual feelings that I had yesterday morning, as well as the sudden "masculine" feeling, as well as the intense bouts of anger that I had yesterday night and today.) But now that it's been a few days on the new dosage, finally my body is adjusting to the lack of estrogen and to the new lower dose of androcur, and the hormone levels are once again leveling off. So now it's back to a stable reduced level, and as such I'm back to feeling like the pleasant chem-castration mode instead of the angry, tense, severe-mental-gender-dysphoria feeling that has only ever happens to me when my T levels are the highest. And if this really is true, this has only further solidified what I said in my other daily entry for today, which said that I'll never be able to go back to my old self again. Those hormones are now not only an annoyance, but downright unpleasant. They just don't belong to me anymore. Having T back in my body legitimately felt like it didn't belong there... it felt like I was a girl trapped with the wrong hormones in my body.

So that's it. I hope the last entry didn't scare you all too much. I'm back now, and feeling MUCH better.

Thank you all for putting up with my constant bitching over the last 3 days. That was an absolutely terrible experience that I never want to have again as long as I live. But mercifully it is over, at least for now.

Love you all!

-Carrie

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ) ♫･*:.｡. .｡.:*･

Wolf-Pup (imported) wrote: Sun Feb 03, 2013 10:39 pm It also would seem to be a good time to find and informed consent clinic that will prescribe hormones to an adult without making them go through all the psychological hoops first. OR find an endocrinologist who can prescribe and supervise your medications. A Gender Clinic/Shrink would also be advisable.

Holy crap! I didn't even know that such a thing as informed-consent clinics even existed! Well, that's an encouraging sign for sure. Maybe I can just go the "normal" route after all. Thanks a lot for giving me the terminology I needed to find out about these places. (And I have found one that is at least reasonably within my area, about 2 hours to the south, in Columbus. Plus it had a VERY encouraging testimonial.)

Thank you so much!

I just read your events and emotions from todays log. Thankyou for being so open with us.

I like to try to see things as happening for a reason, and these extreme difficulties that you are being put through via the slow shipment could be to make you EVEN surer of what your future HAS to be; one with taking female hormones. You have been reminded of your hatred for you male self, a self that is not really YOU, perhaps for this reason. And so that when these meds do arrive, you will have an even greater appreciation for the happiness when it flows through your body.

It is relieving to hear that your latest diary entry reveals a return to some calmness. You certainly deserve this after what you have been through. We have our fingers crossed that the estrogen will arrive to you VERY soon.

Writing helps too though; well I think it does. To release thoughts of frustration, negativity is a positive. And always remember that on here, you have a number of sounding boards.

Yay - for beating the blues, even without your meds.