I'm posting this in part because there's still much ambiguity involved in the very tentative outreach of my Texas relatives to my new self. So I am in a kind of limbo with them that could go on for years with no genuine acceptance of me. Yet there would still always be the hope that someday they will get things right. Despite my sister-in-law's terse response six weeks ago that she needed more time to write a sensitive letter, I have heard nothing more. I have had no response at all from her husband, my youngest brother.

I have written a lot to them, although not since their last tepid email, giving them many details of my new life. By 'their last tepid email' I'm referring to my sister-in-law directly and inferring that my brother agrees. I have also explained to them that I know this can be hard for families and I gave them resource information to help them. Some time ago, I wrote in a blog post that 'I Want to Abandon My Family'. Now I feel more that I really don't want to abandon them but I now understand more fully how some families react to a transitioning relative. That reaction indeed may never change at all and it's no one's fault. It is simply the nature of humans beings.

The healthy thing for me to do is to start letting go of them. Some trans folks have waited and tried for years to gain acceptance that wasn't clearly there, in some form, from the beginning. In some of the stories I've read, there are ambiguous hints at acceptance, as in my case. My Texas brother, who has said several times over the years that I raised him, has not spoken to me or written me directly about my transitioning. It's been about 3 1/2 months since I first told them I am transgender. The simple fact is my life is moving on and it's moving on without them. To get on with my new life, I need to "grieve, let go and never look back" as Lynn says in the quoted text below. My Texas family needs to do the same.

In my last email to my Texas relatives about seven weeks ago, I explicitly gave them permission to let go of me. I stated that I knew one or more of them were likely having difficulties accepting what is happening in my life. The one thing I wanted them to know was that 'I am very happy' and whether they ever accept me or not I could handle it and they need not worry about me.

My visit with my West Coast brother a while back was painful because he rejected me totally. I indicated to him that if things ever changed in his thinking, I'd be open to hearing from him. The reality is, his complete repudiation of who I am ended up being very useful for me. I clearly know how he feels so it has been easy to let go of him. In his case, there was never much closeness so my grief was minimal.

My life is certainly changing, I am gaining new friends and in a very real sense a new family that loves me very much exactly for the woman I am. I am fortunate to have so many supporting people in my life, both online and off.

What I'm pasting in here is part of a long essay by Lynn Conway on her own experience with family being unable to deal with her transition. While I am technically 'pre-op', it's very clear that Lynn's comments apply to my situation as well as to her own 'post-op' status. The thing that impresses me is that she in no way blames her family for their lack of acceptance. She gets it, as I do, but it took her many years to reach the healthy point of letting go. Of course, she was much younger than me when she transitioned. I have no intention of allowing myself to be held back with false hopes of clear acceptance. The website URL is

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed May 07, 2008 5:13 am : http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/

TS/TS-IIIcde.html and the quoted text is from section IIIC. I highlighted the text in red. The blue text is a comment I added.

>>>However, TS women must remember it's not their fault that such things happen, nor is it their family members' fault. Instead, these rejections are caused by deep aspects of human nature being acted out under extremely trying circumstances. What we witness is an almost animal-level reaction to something that seems incomprehensible to close family members.

The more successful that a TS woman is in her transition, the more superstitiously emotional and profoundly shocked a reaction she may get from her family. This should not be surprising, being a natural reaction to witnessing one human being disappear forever and a completely different one replace them.

Try to put yourself in their shoes. Think how you would feel if a beloved son or brother of father transitioned. It's a terrible quandary for family members, especially if they didn't have a clue this was coming. Some family members may try hard to still "see the boy" in the transitioner and cling to the past, and thus alienate the new girl. Others will suddenly "don't know this new person who seems to have killed the boy", feel grief at the loss of their loved one, and feel great anger at the "stranger" (the transitioner) for making this all happen.

I've seen many women struggle for years in hopeless efforts to "gain acceptance" of parents and siblings who either can never regender them as women - or else can't get over the loss of the male family member. Trying to gain acceptance of such family members is like trying to make real an unrequited love. It just won't happen, and can only make the love-sick person feel even sicker inside. For some of these women, their failure to gain family acceptance causes a deep lingering sadness that hurts their chance for happiness after transition. At the same times, these families grieve for the one they lost, and this grief is resurfaced every time the see the "replacement". In such cases it would be much better to "let go", grieve, move on and never look back. Otherwise the newly transitioned woman will carry a heavy burden for years, and that burden will interfere with her efforts at building self-esteem and assimilating.

I myself fell into the trap of struggling for years to "gain acceptance" by a family member I loved. During the sometimes lonely years of my early transition, I visited my younger brother and his wife and two boys at least once a year. Sometimes it would be for Thanksgiving or Christmas, other times it would be to go on camping or canoe trips. We never talked about what had happened to me. They were very "nice" to me. I assumed they were gradually seeing me as I now was. The visits were usually fun events, even though usually a bit stiff. This went on for over thirty years, seeing them once a year or so, even though there were telltale signs that things weren't right. For example, they spent three weeks each summer at a vacation home in the Finger Lakes area of New York, along with many of my brother's wife's family members. They always raved about how cool a place it was, yet never asked me to visit there - not even once in thirty years. I already knew I was never invited to the summer place to avoid other family members "seeing me". And on and on it went, one tell after another. I just tried to push these tells out of my mind. After all, they were being nice.

Finally in 2000, just as my story was coming out, I visited my brother again. We'd planned to talk about my past, so he'd have a current perspective on the TS condition and treatments, and be better able to interact with the journalist doing the story. Upon arriving, I was shocked to learn that he hadn't read anything I'd sent him. He "didn't really want to talk about it", and instead had gone planned an "outing". All of a sudden everything became clear. I could now see all the obvious "tells" I wouldn't let myself think about before, all the tells that he still saw me as the "big brother" he'd so looked up to years ago. To him I was now his big brother who had had a sex change, whatever that was. To him I was still a guy, and when I tried to talk to him about what had happened to me, it just resurfaced grief that he'd never gotten over.

I wasted a lot of energy over years of trying to gain the "acceptance" of my brother and his wife. They were the only family I had, so it seemed important to maintain that connection. I'd felt a lot of emotion about our relationship during those years, a feeling that they were "there for me" and the I was "there for them". When I realized that they didn't even know me, all emotion evaporated. I felt no loss. I felt nothing except a feeling of stupidity for trying to "gain the acceptance" of people who out of fear, shame and ignorance wouldn't make an effort to get to know me. I let it go. They are now strangers to me, whom I won't see again.

I've heard such stories of non-acceptance repeated over, over and over again by other postop women. Stories of loved ones who can't "see us" as who we are now. Some still see and refuse to let go of the old person, hurting us to the very core of our souls. Others suddenly do see the new person, but don't have a clue how to get to know her - and resent her for killing off their loved one. Either way, the longer we try to "gain acceptance" and grasp for a loving connection with someone like that, the more we give them power to hurt us, and hurt us they will. And they too are hurt by the situation. If you're in one of these situations, it's best to just let it go.

One useful mental trick that can help us deal with the strange and quirky things that happen to us is to remember that "it's all data". One can cope with family rejection and other difficult realities of postop life by simply observing these things unemotionally, "taking notes", and realizing that you are an observer of very interesting ethnographic data [Note by Danya: This sounds decidedly anthropological to me ] about transsexualism and how people react to gender changes. The behaviors you observe are natural reactions to events that seem mystical and inexplicable to most people. Since no one "is to blame" for these reactions, this helps take some of the sting out of things. It can also help you "let go", and not try to regain the love of people who are now lost to you, and instead look forward to bringing new people into your life.

There are exceptions to this old rule of "loss of family". As people become more knowledgeable about gender transitions and less fearful of "what the neighbors might think", some families ARE now able to get to know and "regender" a family member after her transition, especially those who transition while young. It is much easier to regender a girl who transitions when she is young, because there are fewer memories of her as a post-pubertal boy, and fewer forward-projections of her future as a "man".

There is some very important lessons for families here: Families have great difficulty in regendering a close family member who transitions as an adult. It is just a fact of human nature and of the way our minds work, of how we remember someone's gendered past and project ahead their gendered future. Therefore, if at all possible families should strongly support a TS girl's early transition. This way they are much more likely to end up having a daughter, and knowing that daughter, after her transition. In cases where a close family member transitions as an adult, it's best to be very honest and forthright with them, and tell them if you are having difficulties seeing them in their new gender. That way you give them the option of moving on, and not being hurt year after year trying to hold onto a connection that is not meant to be.<<<<

Post #121.

Thanks, Danya. The author you quote seems to be very astute in her perceptions, thoughts, and conclusions. You do well yourself in your own explorations. I admire your ability to sort through the wheat and chaff, seemingly so much more effortlessly than most who take the same path - many crawl this path, others amble; you seem to sprint. What I find interesting is the approach in letting go after the failure of "regendering" in the mind's eye of the person you are dealing with. So much of that same approach is valuable in other areas of life, and ought be remembered by many. It would save much pain - life would need less Bactine, and have more joy.

Again, thanks.

kristoff wrote: Tue May 27, 2008 4:36 pm Post #121.

Thanks, Danya. The author you quote seems to be very astute in her perceptions, thoughts, and conclusions. You do well yourself in your own explorations. I admire your ability to sort through the wheat and chaff, seemingly so much more effortlessly than most who take the same path - many crawl this path, others amble; you seem to sprint. What I find interesting is the approach in letting go after the failure of "regendering" in the mind's eye of the person you are dealing with. So much of that same approach is valuable in other areas of life, and ought be remembered by many. It would save much pain - life would need less Bactine, and have more joy.

Again, thanks.

Hello Kristoff

It means a lot to me that you so clearly understand what I am getting at in 'post #121' and I appreciate your kind remarks. Of course, there are times of questioning and even some doubts along the way. Not doubts about transitioning but questions about the ultimate cost. There are losses inherent in any major life change. By honestly examining my feelings, though, I am able to find a path to where I need to be.

-Danya

This afternoon, I had my first appointment with a physician who has extensive experience prescribing hormones, and monitoring their effects, for members of the trans community. She used only her first name to introduce herself (none of this 'I'm Dr. so and so') which immediately earned her extra credit in my book! This woman was one of the kindest doctors I have ever met. We spent 40 minutes simply talking about my life. It was obvious she really cared.

She wants to get some blood work done, since I was last checked nearly three months ago. I'll take care of that tomorrow morning. Next Friday, she'll do a physical. If everything turns out fine, as it always has, she will start me on a low dose of estrogen then. This is exactly the way I wanted to start out.

She had hoped to schedule me for the last appointment next Friday, so we could have all the time we wanted to talk. That one was already taken.

Hormones are powerful medicine and the long-term effects of HRT are not well understood. I have a number of questions I will ask the doctor next week to be sure I am comfortable with the way everything is being handled.

The week has been going very well. The only problem, versus my male days, is I have to get up much earlier to make myself presentable for the office. This morning I tried on four combinations of tops and slacks before I was sure what I wanted to wear. Then there's the makeup and other things.

I've posted elsewhere that, as a man, I never liked jeans. Now I find I love them! There's no explaining some of this

I could always type reasonably well. Over the last several weeks, though, my typing speed has skyrocketed. Well, perhaps it hasn't been quite that dramatic, but close!

This is really interesting and I don't have an answer for why this should be so but it is obvious. It used to be that professionals recommended that transitioning woman switch out of typically male careers like engineering into what were then typical female careers like secretarial work. I have no intention of being a secretary, unless it's something like Secretary of the Treasury!

The fact remains that my typing speed is now much faster than only a short time ago. I actually know why, at least in part. Now I keep all of my fingers lightly brushing the keys. This is to keep from damaging my nail polish and my increased rate of typing is merely a side effect of that effort. As a man, I tended to pound away at the keys and this slowed up everything.

Kristoff refers here to the Lynn Conway text in post #121 of this thread.

Post #121.

kristoff wrote: Tue May 27, 2008 4:36 pm What I find interesting is the approach in letting go after the failure of "regendering" in the mind's eye of the person you are dealing with. So much of that same approach is valuable in other areas of life, and ought be remembered by many. It would save much pain - life would need less Bactine, and have more joy.

I post this metaphor because it is meaningful to me. It is, not surprisingly, quoted on a number of transgender sites. It concisely, yet poignantly, describes how those around us can have trouble seeing us after we change in some major way. For many transgender individuals, this is the inability of many loved ones to successfully 'regender' a transitioned family member.

"A beetle fell in love with a caterpillar and she returned his love, but she died and lay still, wrapped in a cocoon. The beetle grieved over his beloved's body. Suddenly the cocoon opened and a butterfly appeared. The beetle decided to kill the butterfly because it disturbed his meditations over the body. He rushed over to her and saw that the butterfly's eyes were familiar--they were the caterpillar's eyes. He had almost killed her, for after all, everything was new except the eyes. And the butterfly and beetle lived happily ever after.

"But you need to look things in the eye for that, and not everyone can do it, and sometimes a lifetime isn't long enough."

--Dmitri Shostakovich

Late last week, I noticed for the first time that some people at work are treating me differently now that I have transitioned. This was interesting to experience and kind of fun, too! Everyone continues to treat me in a professional, business-like manner which is as it should be.

There are a few people who would barely acknowledge my old male self who now are openly friendly. I notice this in everything from how they greet me to the way they may now add 'Best regards' to an email response. The first time I noticed this, I was really surprised, although I should not have been. I had read all about this type of thing happening.

Then there are a very few folks who, while they continue to treat me in a business-like way, are seemingly uncomfortable. One woman was clearly caught unawares when I showed up unexpectedly at her cubicle. She had that 'deer caught in the headlights' look about her!

In general, the people I have frequent contact with have been comfortable with me since my transition day.

Technically, although I have transitioned at work, I have not started the required one-year 'real life experience' needed to get approval for SRS. Friday, I will have a physical exam at the office of the very kind female physician I first saw last Thursday. If all goes well, as it always has before, she will write a prescription for estrogen then. Living full-time in the female chosen gender role and taking estrogen should mark the official start of the real life experience.

I am nearly through half of my third week as Danya at the office. There are no more flowers from caring coworkers, no more congratulations and no more encouraging words. What remains are the normal stresses of day-to-day life both in the office and out. There are certainly moments of shared happiness, too, and the stress is not overwhelming but much of my day is spent in business as usual mode. Overall, my mood is very good.

How I handle these more typical days, and the inevitable heavy stressors of life, will be seen as the measure of my success in the real life experience.

Hormones are all well and good but if I might quote the good Doctor Bowers the real test is when you go out in public in a cute minidress for the first time.

One year is not that long. Once your there it will seem like a blink... I think...

mrt (imported) wrote: Thu Jun 05, 2008 5:08 am Hormones are all well and good but if I might quote the good Doctor Bowers the real test is when you go out in public in a cute minidress for the first time.

One year is not that long. Once your there it will seem like a blink... I think...

Hi MrT,

One year isn't long at all and besides, I don't know that I'll have the money for SRS in a year. Even if there is insurance coverage, many (maybe all?) surgeons require you pay up front first with cash then it's up to you to get your money back from the insurance company. OTOH, I have spoken with trans women who have had good results with surgeons in Thailand. Those charge a great deal less and there's the added bonus of a trip to the tropics. Only time will tell what I ultimately wind up doing.

Having seen Dr. Marci Bowers, I would say she could easily pull off looking good in a minidress. While I would certainly try a minidress in public (like in a dark bar), once maybe, I don't think I would create quite the stir she can. I most certainly look fine in many dresses, though, including a sleek black number I'll wear to a wedding reception later in the month.

I find that I am generally calm and happy much of the time now. Not the mental high happiness of much of my first week transitioning. That was wonderful and exciting but also emotionally draining.

In fact, I am feeling so calm and content I wonder what the fuss of transitioning was all about. . It seems I am able to handle much of my life, including stresses, in a more relaxed manner. I have some down times but I seem better able to cope with these.