Hi all,

One of the COGIATI questions is sticking in my mind (and not because it involves death): "You are about to die. In your last moments, you are presented with a choice. You can be buried and remembered as a man, or buried and remembered as a woman. Which do you choose?"

When I took the COGIATI a year ago, I didn't care; being remembered as a man seemed most accurate. But now I understand the significance of this question because I do want to be acknowledged/remembered as a female. I no longer feel like a man. Indeed, there seems to be a mental wall when I try to put myself back into that frame of mind. I want my family (parents/siblings) to know I'm actually female inside. ("That's why I've always been a little different...") It has taken years to realize the cross-gendering, but now that understanding has come, there's a yearning to assert my true identity.

Thanks for listening. This diary has been good therapy over the months,

Terri

Hi! I have replied below.

Hugs, Leona/ Ed

bryan (imported) wrote: Sat Jul 08, 2006 11:15 am Dear Leona/Ed,

Your post can stay as far as I'm concerned.

"A man's spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?" (Proverbs 18:14)

I'll admit I'm born again, miserable, and honestly searching for God's will. Living out what would seem to be His will makes me long for death -- so something is amiss. I believe part of the issue is determining one's gender identity. If the answer comes up "female," that rocks the boat and can't help but impact one's marriage.

Prior to becoming Christian at age 30, I had many perversions. Of all the perversions there are, I probably had 70% of them. In all that time, I never had any sexual interest in a male.* And the perversions are gone. However, when my wife cuddles on top of me, I hug tight and imagine she is a male and me a female. On the rare occasions when we've had sex recently, it has a lesbian-ish feel and I do as little as necessary. (Great partner, aren't I?) So just what is the righteous thing to do?

(Sorry for the detail above but it seems necessary under the circumstances.)

* However, there were a few occasions where I recall having a warm secure/protected feeling while standing next to tall male friends. Some of the buried TSism leaking out?

Let me ask: Do you think some people are genuinely cross-gendered, or would you say "male body, therefore male brain?" The answer to that will determine one's religious response. If cross-gendering occurs, it would seem cruel to consign the patient to their wrong-sex body even after the problem is discovered and found to cause substantial grief.

>>Terri,<< you don't have to be apoligetic for anything. I struggle still at times but I know that Holy Spirit is much stronger. Many "Religous" folks make judgements and it is wrong. The Holy Spirit will make those calls and I think it is very personal. The term ,"Religous" relly grinds on me and brings to mind the Pharisee's. A walk with Jesus is very personel and religion does not fit. I know and understand your struggles, Jesus is much bigger. He Loves all of us so much and puts up with our problems only wishing to see us through. Some should worry about that board in their own eye before trying to remove specks from others. I Love you all because Christ Loves Me.

All the Best, Leona/ Ed >>Terri,<< you don't have to be apoligetic for anything. I struggle still at times but I know that Holy Spirit is much stronger. Many "Religous" folks make judgements and it is wrong. The Holy Spirit will make those calls and I think it is very personal. The term ,"Religous" relly grinds on me and brings to mind the Pharisee's. A walk with Jesus is very personel and religion does not fit. I know and understand your struggles, Jesus is much bigger. He Loves all of us so much and puts up with our problems only wishing to see us through. Some should worry about that board in their own eye before trying to remove specks from others. I Love you all because Christ Loves Me.

All the Best, Leona/ Ed <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

bryan (imported) wrote: Sat Jul 08, 2006 11:15 am I'm not suggesting we take an "in-your-face transition is American as apple pie" attitude. In the OT, some sins earned banishment/exile. I've come to see OT banishment as a blessing. The behavior wasn't serious enough to earn death, but it wasn't model behavior either (nor was there a remedy necessarily) and would cause problems for all concerned if the guilty party remained. So exile was good for the community and good for the exiled. I fully accept that my TSism may lead to banishment (not that I have a choice regarding gender identity).

Another thing: Transition isn't the only option to weigh against conscience. There are inbetween states, such as a female body in a male presentation. I've been checking conscience for things like hair removal, estrogen, and penectomy and don't have a problem with these in themselves. (However, it would spell disaster for the marriage, so that becomes a factor.) Or is it better for me to become an unpredictable, emotional wreck? That is the direction I'm going. When mother-in-law found out about my death wish 6 weeks ago thru my wife, she immediately became concerned: "He will be a danger on the road! He may swerve into oncoming traffic with little 'jimmy' in the car!" Just how stressed do we allow a human to become? Until they become a possible risk to others, or do they have to become a certified danger?

With love and respect for who you are,

Terri

Hi all,

Anger is one of the steps in grieving, right?

Seeing more anger in me; would just like to throw/kick things sometimes. Example: While my son was checking for change in some vending machines, I saw a tampon (unused, still in its package) lying on the ground in front of a machine. My boy loves picking up junk from the ground and was ready to pick up the tampon. I told him to leave it alone. I then KICKED it HARD under the machine.

There's more to my anger in that instance, but can't bring myself to tell about it (and your response, no doubt, would be "TMI"). I'll just leave it as a rhetorical question: Can one's relationship to tampons/kotex help them discern whether they are TV or TS?

Wife noticed me being out of sorts this weekend and didn't let me get by with saying, "Oh, just some depression." For lack of anything I could freely talk about, told about son's note, the one calling me "junk." She reassured me I am not junk. I so wanted to tell her what's really going on inside, but don't feel at liberty to until the "all bets are off" date of July 15th. If and when I tell her, I will become untouchable scum [again] to her: "So you weren't healed on May 25th after all?!"

The decision to postpone life changes until July 15th has provided useful incubation time, allowing my thinking to crystalize. You'll notice I haven't been including 'Bryan' in the signature lately. Whereas I was confused previously, I'm pretty well convinced now my core identity is female. Things 'fit' now. The main breakthrough was realiz

bryan (imported) wrote: Sat Jun 17, 2006 1:31 pm ing I was high-intensity TS before castration;

thus, castration resulted from TSism, not the reverse. Of course, my personality and behavior is a blend of gender -- what else can be expected when one is "raised by wolves" (i.e., raised as the other gender)?

Integrating this with faith: If I'm convinced my core identity (=soul) is female, that is how God made me. Therefore, it would be improper -- dare I say perverse? -- to: (1) coax this patient into being more male through any sort of "reparative therapy," or (2) try to induce guilt for no longer buying into the mantle of manhood. That doesn't mean everything is rosy.

Touching incident: Son and I have a drawing game we play, and my alter ego is a watermelon seed named Wally. We played on Saturday during our lunch out. Was feeling down, so named my character "Wally the Insane." My son asked what insane meant, so I explained. Later on, when I started crying with him in the vehicle, he timidly asked, "Are you feeling like Wally the Insane?" All I could do was nod -- no words could come.

In a reply to Brandon on another thread, mentioned how testosterone messes with the mind. Whereas I had previously thought my sexual perversions were an intrinsic part of me, castration showed me they were a result of T, not me. What I didn't mention, however, was how castration showed me TSism is an intrinsic part of me. That brought some sobs in prayer today. Wonder why it is that we humans instinctively hold our heads, a hand on each temple, when we are desperate and don't know what to do?

On the lighter side:

Q: Isn't transition an awful lot of work? I mean, there's so much you have to work on: voice, mannerisms, make-up, handwriting, etc. You'd have to be thinking about it 24x7!

A: That's okay. We'd be thinking about it 24x7 anyway. :-\

Terri

I think anger is involved in grieving and also a part of a healthy emotional balance. Sometimes you need to be angry. I always claim I'm not a person who really gets angry, but I think I am actually angry about a lot of things; I just don't release it the way I should. If you are able to release it, you will feel much better after you're through.

I have noticed you no longer include Bryan in your signature, and I am glad you are coming to realize your identity It isn't very easy for me to think of you as a man because I just don't perceive you that way.

Yes, transition is a huge amount of work. I wasn't willing to put in much effort which is much of why I did not succeed. My walk screamed man and my voice probably wasn't far behind. Hormones can help, but they don't do it all. In fact, some consider hormones to be the least important part of passing as female. I think that if you truly are female, much of presenting yourself as such will come naturally.

Hopefully my last word on the religious subject. I too was very religious when someone pointed out that it was probably our ego that dictates we must have a higher power (and there was much more debate about the subject).

I don't want to put anyone down just want them to think for themselves and not just repeat what they have been brain washed with. People like Hitler, Jim Jones, David Korish(sp?) Jim bakker(sp?) succeed because people want someone to tell them what to think. (I spent a year and a half in Germany the 60's and talked to Germans about that).

Please think for yourself and be sure it is what you think and believe not what someone has told what you should believe.

one more last word. If you really must believe in God do you really need a middle man (that will take your money)???

I care

Lindaleah

Dear Diary,

Woke up with the Dan Fogelberg song "Longer" going thru my head. Then it came to mind during my shower. Then it came to mind as I sat down to work. ("Okay, Lord, I get the idea.") Looked up the lyrics to see what the Holy Spirit might be saying to me. Boils down to:

Longer than there've been fishes in the ocean

I've been in love with you.

Deeper than any forest primeval

I am in love with you.

Wow. I accept the message, Lord, and I receive Your love. Thank you. It means alot!

* * *

Dear Plix,

Thanks for your sweet affirmation.

* * *

Lindaleah,

You don't need to worry about me being brainwashed. I came to faith as an adult (after leaving behind the religious training I received as a child). I look for evidence and check multiple sources. Real Christianity consists of being in direct relationship with God, for:

They shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest.

- Hebrews 8:11

One of my biggest disappointments in the church is how the "only the pastor can speak" model betrays the above verse.[/SOAPBOX off] But would you believe I don't get as concerned about this sort of thing now that I recognize my place as a woman? Interesting how that works.

Grace and Lace (

bryan (imported) wrote: Tue Sep 27, 2005 7:47 pm http://members.tgforum.com/bobbyg/

tgfgnl.html) is an oasis of peace for Evangelical Christians struggling with gender issues. The writings there ring true. There are testimonies of those who have transitioned and maintained their faith.

* * *

Hi all,

Wondering how things are going to play out this Sunday (July 16th). Suppose it will be a matter of full disclosure to wife [again] and a plea for: (1) understanding love, not "tough" love, and (2) some disclosure to son. After all, I can't live with this stuff bottled in me. At the very least, it's dishonest. Started working on a disclosure letter since I communicate better in writing.

Been asking the Lord to reveal His will. His answer may not come with storm or trumpet blast, however. It may turn out to be as simple as wife barfing at the thought of staying married to me.

As of this morning, have started looking at death as the wrong way out. Been reading at BeginningLife.com how prevalent thoughts of death are among TS's. Many times, sisters relate how they hoped for death so they wouldn't have to deal with their gender issues. So why should I hope/pray for death when so many fellow sisters are struggling in the same way?

Terri

Hi all,

The shit has hit the fan. Wife and I had the *BIG DISCUSSION* and I am scum. We're talking year's separation with little chance of reconciliation. (I'd have to be "cured" for that to happen. Like I said, little chance.) Bear in mind: Wife's decision is based on the mere statement of my inner identity, not any contemplated actions. Wife simply can't handle

bryan (imported) wrote: Sat Jun 17, 2006 1:31 pm the thought of being married to a female.

Guess I understand why the Lord was reassuring me with the Dan Fogelberg song earlier today. Indeed, it was as though the song permeated me at times, like water flowing through my spirit.

Got a lot to do: tell employer, write final newsletter to supporters, look for a job, look for an apartment, tell family.

So God has made His will known -- at least the part regarding my marriage.

I'm doing okay. Have come to learn that understanding isn't found outside TG/TS/gay circles. Plus, kind of suspected this would happen. God's reassurance sure helped and it came at the right time. Didn't even plan to have the discussion tonight.

Our boy? I'm not supposed to reveal anything -- or things could turn into a "real fight." I hurt for him, to have his dad taken away without any real explanation. THAT could do real damage.

Terri

Hi all,

Got a surreal feeling tonight: my prayers for death were answered in a way. Now that wife and I are separating and I'm heading far away, will be virtually dead to wife, child, in-laws, church, town, and job. I had wanted to die and, indeed, wouldn't have been able to continue with things as they were. At the same time, I feel some life returning. The sunset looked particularly nice tonight. Haven't noticed sunsets for awhile. I do hope to stay in touch with my son, but face-to-face visits won't be allowed.

Wife and I are cordial. She still loves me and doesn't want the name of her son's father to be tarnished.

Pondered the matter of transition today and am surprised how quickly my views have changed:

1. Hadn't felt at liberty to end my marriage for transition, but the marriage is ending for reasons outside my control. The mere statement of my inner feelings ("female inside") is too much for my wife. Can't lie well, so the marriage is kaput. That removes a major impediment.

2. Likened cross-gendering to disfigurement. If a person is truly cross-gendered, it only makes sense to let the damage be repaired instead of continuing the pain. What virtue is there in making a female carry around a veneer of manhood merely because she got stuck with a male body at birth? It only compounds the damage. Let the female spirit develop! I believe God sees it the same way.

3. A conservative, partial transition-for-pain-relief-only (like I had been considering) now rubs me the wrong way. Instead, applying the philosophy of #2, go all the way and proceed at the right pace (don't malinger).

Boy! Have my views changed or what? I just think it's evidence that my time has come. A verse came to mind this evening:

God makes all things beautiful in their time.

- Ecclesiastes 3:11

Feel like my time has come. As Plix suggested would happen (see post 87

bryan (imported) wrote: Wed Jun 14, 2006 10:07 am (http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=

56098&postcount=87)), God has provided what was needed when it was needed.

Hmmm... God gave me the short-term goal of living until July 15th. And here I am now with a clear ticket (i.e., clear conscience) to transition. Yes, I'm excited. And, yes, I know the road will be incredibly tough at times. But it appears to be the only way for me to continue living -- and that knowledge is breeding a certain confidence in me: "Make the best of it because there's no alternative. What have you got to lose? You've faced death already. You know you can't live the old way. And if you die trying, saves the trouble of finishing, thank God." I'm going to be running under His steam for this effort. Going to nurture the female soul that I am. Going to live.

I guess what has also helped is seeing I've already mentally transitioned to an extent. The thought of becoming an older male is foreign. I still can't picture myself as an aging female, but then I'm in transition, aren't I?

The members at BeginningLife.com have been a huge help. If any of you are dealing with TG issues, get an account there and learn all you can!

Talked with my sister in Philly today. She welcomed me with open arms -- gender issues and all -- so I'll probably be moving there. Figure I need the gender services a town like Philly can provide. (I'm assuming there are some competent gender therapists there.) Also, I'm looking forward to having a family to replace the one I'm losing.

It hasn't sunk in yet.

Terri

You may or may not be surprised to learn that I had a feeling things would turn out this way. Of course, nothing is final yet, but you seem to be headed in a direction that will allow you to become your true self. It is going to be an extremely difficult journey, and for some it brings back the same desires for death at times, but those who are meant to succeed will have the strength to stick it out.

I am sure you realize what you mentioned is a very major step and will cause irreversible alteration in your life. There are some TSs who never see their children again after starting transition. This usually is not the case, but all possibilities should be considered before starting down this path.

Whatever happens, I will be here to help however I can. Just let me know what you need

Hi all,

Guess what? Remember how the Lord reassured me with the Dan Fogelberg song on Tuesday? Same song popped into my head soon as I awoke today! Sweet reassurance AFTER the big decision. I have had peace about the decision to transition, and that reassurance is the icing on the cake.

Was touched by a quote in a Reader's Digest story where two men rescued a drowning man. When the pair later visited the rescuee in the hospital, one assured him, "You got another chance. Now you can do anything." That speaks of the confidence/boldness/optimism I was trying to explain in last night's post. A new lease on life. The old life failed; I had crashed and become dysfunctional. My old life has been put on the trashpile and I'm putting my efforts into the new me.

Now that I recognize myself as female (and feel validated by the Lord in that conclusion), seems like so many puzzle pieces of my life are beginning to fit. I haven't been a good disciplinarian, haven't been the leader of the household. Although I have a good relationship with my boy, it's more like friendship than father-son.

Wife and I just had a discussion. (NOTE: She doesn't know of the transition decision yet. She and her mom are holding out hope the marriage can be saved thru separation.) She challenged me about my plan to seek out gender therapists regardless of whether they are Christian or not. (Competent gender therapists are rare enough, but to find a Christian one supportive of transition? I won't hold my breath.) I didn't have a good response. Didn't want to spill the beans about transition at this fragile time. Something her mom suggested, and now makes sense to wife: I've never grown up. Yes, that would explain some things, particularly the things in the above paragraph. She said my relationship to our boy is that of a 'playmate.' In any case, our cover story will be that I've got emotional problems stemming from childhood, and it's not far from the truth.

Late last night as the transition decision was sinking in, one my first thoughts was, "Now I won't be shut out by the 'WOMEN' sign" (i.e, restrooms). Some tears came. I suppose there's been hurt in that area, since that is the definitive point where the men are separated from the ladies.

So happy that the hurts of the past, the unexplained LONGINGS, are finally going to be addressed.

* * *

Plix,

plix (imported) wrote: Thu Jul 13, 2006 8:25 pm I am sure you realize what you mentioned is a very major step and will cause irreversible alteration in your life.

Thanks for your response. I hear ya. But the confidence/optimism I'm feeling is the sort which enables one to burn bridges. After all, I got to witness my "crash" firsthand. I was trying to make things work, but it wasn't working. Death was the hoped-for solution. That sort of failure allows one to toss any notion of keeping the old life and focus on the new. There's no turning back. "Transition or bust."

Yes, part of me is scared. But, then, what have I got to lose?

Terri