TWENTY-FOUR:
(although, is this technically even still a hormone-replacement log right now, seeing as how I'm getting no estrogen whatsoever and only a half-dose of androcur?)
Urgh... let's just cut to the chase. Today SUCKED. As soon as I woke up this morning, I just felt tired, unenthusiastic, barely feminine at all, and frankly absolutely miserable.
The replacement HRT dose is STILL not here. (F***!!!! MOTHER F***ING SON OF A B****!!!) (Sorry, just had to get that out.) It has now been EIGHTEEN DAYS since Inhouse reports that they were shipped. And there is STILL not a single G**damned update on the package-tracking info. It has said "origin post is preparing shipment" for TWO WEEKS now!!! ARGH!!!!!!! I simply cannot properly express how aggravated this is now making me. Up until now, I was able to put up with it, because I still had estrogen in my system. In fact, I did a mathematical calculation on the matter. My first estrogen patch expired on Sunday, and my second one expired on Tuesday. Estrogen has a half-life of 17 hours. So therefore I was hypothetically still at about 50% levels by Tuesday. That was down to an average of 28%-20% yesterday. But today, I was averaging below 10%, if my calculations are correct. And I must tell you, I REALLY felt it today. All of that life and vitality that I've been feeling for weeks now, has just suddenly disappeared. There's none of that girly giddishness about me, and I honestly just feel like the life has been completely sucked out of me.
Work sucked today. REALLY sucked. Following an entire day of living in "girl mode" yesterday, and having already noticed that my mental image of myself has changed to the image of me in that mode, having to go back to "boy mode" so that I could go to work felt like absolute torture. It felt like I was leaving my true self at home, and living a lie all day while I was at work. Short hair? That's not me. Being grouped in with the guys? That's not me. Wearing the unshapely male version of our work uniform? That's not me either. It just felt so wrong to be going back to that role and back to that lifestyle after a whole day of being a girl at home. It really is like actually living out that one scene in part 3 of my "My Life As A Girl" story, where the main character has to hide his girl parts in order to go back into the "real world." And let me tell you, it is NOT fun. When I wrote that scene, I had no idea that I'd ever experience something almost exactly like that in real life. But now I have. And I'm starting to feel this way every single time that I have to go back into "boy mode" to go out into the real world. It feels like it's not the real me anymore. It feels like it's a fake version of me that's going out. So today more than ever, I'm really starting to think about how I can transition in real life... how I can start living as a girl in real life, and not just in my own house. For the first time ever, I really feel a sense of urgency with this. Every day that I'm living as a guy is another day that I'm not happy with myself, and another day that I feel like the real me isn't there. (I am planning on living in "girl mode" as close to full-time as possible at home from now on, though. I still love everything about that.)
And this is exactly why the delay in shipment is starting to bother me so much. Yesterday and the day before, after experiencing the wonder of "girl mode" for the first time, now I'm completely sure that I want to keep going with the HRT until my body is completely female. And yet at the exact same time as I finally was completely sure about this, and when I finally caught a glimpse of someone that I was actually happy to call "ME" in the mirror for the first time EVER, at that exact point I started running out of estrogen. And now I'm out completely. So every single day that this next shipment is late, is another day that my female self is stuck in a boy's body, and making NO progress whatsoever toward becoming my true self. I have barely changed at all so far, even though I have noticed some slight changes, as mentioned for the last three weeks, and now all of that minute progress is coming to an abrupt halt right when I was finally 100% positive that I wanted them completely. Sigh... THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!! SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All day today, I was tired, cranky, sore all over, felt like I wasn't being my true self, absolutely aggravated that now I'm no longer making any more progress toward femininity, and did I mention tired? Not even caffeine helped me today. I just wanted to go home almost as soon as I got there. And there were SEVERAL times today where I just felt like curling up into a ball and crying. In fact, that's exactly what I did on a couple of my breaks. I went back down to my car, locked myself in, plopped my head down on top of the steering wheel, and just sobbed for minutes on end, overwhelmed by how unfair this whole thing was. The only thing that I really found comforting was to listen to a certain song called "My Song," from one of my favorite anime series of all time, "Angel Beats." It's the lyrics of that song that really get to me.
If you're interested, HERE (
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXN9oF-aXQU) is the link to the song, and here is a translation of the lyrics... lyrics that rung so true for me today, and lyrics that genuinely made me cry the first time I ever heard them... especially the very last line... "for the real, beautiful me, thank you."
"My Song" from the anime series "Angel Beats":
The day ended while searching
for where I could wipe out my frustrations.
The sky shown gray
And I couldn’t see anything ahead.
Jerks feigning “common” laugh at us.
What lies will they say next?
Can they lovingly display
What they've gained from all of that?
But we must keep walking toward tomorrow.
That's why I'm singing.
Because you're crying,
Because you're lonely,
You are right.
You are human.
The tears you shed are saying
“For the beautiful, real me,
that is not just some lie, Thank You.”
So, yeah. I was definitely crying today. But in a weird way, actual crying has indeed always made me feel like a real human being. It validates what I'm feeling on the inside. In "guy mode," where almost nothing ever seemed to make me cry, I didn't feel human. I felt fake, like an emotionless blob. But now I feel real. And that real, beautiful me, is crying. And those tears may be painful, but they feel beautiful even through my sadness.
So that was my day... lots of misery, tiredness, depression, and just in general feeling yucky.
There is at least once positive thing to report today, though. Last night, following a whole day of living in "girl mode," I really feel like Jenny finally understands what I'm going through a bit better. And she even offered to help out, offering me some of her old clothes from before she went on a diet and lost 60 lbs, which just happen to be my size now. So that was really nice. (Side note: I was wearing one of her old bras all day today.) She also suggested that I talk to one of her old high school friends who is a FtM transsexual. And Jenny hasn't laughed at me, or said anything bad, about me walking around in my "girl mode" wig with the ponytail. In fact, I think it's really helped her see the girl on the inside of me in a way that she never was able to before. So, yeah, that was a definite positive, and I went to bed last night feeling REALLY good after that. Too bad the feeling didn't last, and I just felt so miserable all day.
Oh, estrogen shipment #2, why must you torment me so? PLEASE come soon! This poor girl wants her real hormones back!
Please? （；_・）
