I have shared a few phrases of this stage in my life but I wanted to write more this Easter season. I have shared much of my pain and issues in life but now I want to share some joy. Easter is fast approaching and I always take this time to remember a very special person. He was a great friend and lover. I want to remember all the good times.
We went to school together and I was always a little infatuated. We were born in the same year but he late in the year so we were in different classes. He was everything I was not. He was confident, outgoing, handsome and athletic. Some people thought he was conceded but it was confidence. He knew himself and his good points but he never felt he was better than anyone else was. I never heard him say a negative thing about anyone. At school I always made sure I would pass him in the halls. Senior year I was the yearbook photographer and he wanted to learn how I process film and print the photos. I was so glad to teach him. One time we were in the darkroom and I touched his butt and he said I was going to make him gay. Knowing what I had been through I stopped. I still teased him when it was safe. Then while he was studying karate he injured his groin and I still had to tease a little.
I graduated high school and at first we did not see each other as often. Once he turned 18 I would see him in the popular bar for my school. In those days you could drink 3.2 beer at 18. Well one night as I was playing this arcade game involving a flat puck knocking down bowling pins he started to play with my butt much like I did to his in the darkroom. I was getting very warm and flustered and he loved the effect he was having over me. Then he whispered that whoever wins the next game gets a blowjob. I agreed and I won by a wide margin. He said double or nothing and I said no but I would give him a chance to win one. Well at that point I played terribly and he won by a wide margin. We decided to head to my house and go to the basement and make some photographs. Well after a wonderful time we headed upstairs and luckily the family did not ask to see what we printed.
Many great times happened after that first time. One evening he brought his guitar over to play and sing. That evening he wore cutoff jeans and Puma tennis shoes. Anymore clothes than that would have been a crime. The family went out for dinner and I asked them to bring my dinner home. We were sitting on my bed and I went downstairs for the meal. We set on the bed and shared the steak dinner. We used our hands and tore into the steak and it was rather erotic. Of course after dinner we were ready to make prints in the darkroom. Another time we went to the movies and I was very serious back then about social issues and how people are treated. He began to walk like someone crippled and I told him to stop and asked why he was doing it. He said he was imitating the person we just passed. Then I was angry and he just laughed and laughed and reminded me that we had not passed anyone. He was always trying to teach me to lighten up. Oh and he tried to teach me karate because by this time he was a black belt. He told me to hit him and I could not raise a hand to hit him. Then he began to flip me so I would get mad and strike out at him but I just became giggly. That was it for karate.
We were two young men enjoying each other and I was developing strong feelings. I did not have the courage to tell him how I felt. He was still dating girls at the time but I enjoyed our special times together. I took a year off after high school and so he and I started college the same year. He went locally and I went to college about 2 hours away. I always looked forward to seeing him on weekends I was home. Saturday morning I called and asked if we were getting together. He said a cousin was in town that he had not seen for years and could we spend Easter together. I said yes that would be okay. Next he asked me why did you really call? For some reason I began to tell him how I felt and he said I made him happy. We talked about an hour and a half, which was long for us on the phone. When he hung up his mother was worried I was having problems. That is when
tugon (imported) wrote: Sun Feb 26, 2006 3:22 pm
he told her that he had broken up with his girlfriend and that stage of his life was over. H
is mother always introduced me to her friends as his special friend. Back then special friend meant you were gay or developmentally disabled. When they looked at me I would drool and drag a foot.
He did die that night well early Easter morning. He was coming home from the bar with his cousin and he had a blowout and lost control. The car flipped on its side and the force pinned his cousin to the back seat where he had passed out. The car still on its side slid by a tree, which severed that beautiful young man in half. I spent many yeas wishing it had been the cousin driving and he passed out in the back.
His mother and I became very close. She included me in family functions and the brothers could not figure out why. One time we were at the high school summer festival the year he died and when we saw each other we hugged and both cried and sobbed for what I think was a long time. I wonder how it looked to be among the rides, lights and happy music and two people so obviously heart broken. Several years later we bumped into each other at a grocery store and a song he had played was playing over the musak and we both teared up. As a mother I know she was devastated but she understood and accepted that I was also in great pain. I received more support from her than my own family.
After his death he would come to me at night. We would giggle, kiss and hold each other and I was so happy. Of course the next day I would mourn him all over again. I eventually asked him to stop visiting me and he did. Of course I would love to have one of those night again but he does not come back when I call him. I often wonder if he is back on the earth in another body and life. His memory helped me heal at a time in-between the last time I was raped and when Brian and I would be together. I had a dream of a time in the darkroom where we were holding each other and my arm was around his waist. I remembered how safe I felt with him and how beautiful our short time together was. At that point I knew I could heal and sex would not always be ugly.
Years later his mother was not feeling well. Her husband had been diagnosed with lung cancer but the doctor was just prescribing antibiotics for her. I told her she needed to go to the ER if he was not going to do anything for her. She came to the ER a day after the anniversary of her sons death. I sat down next to her and told her I was thinking about her. Two days later she was leaving with her diagnosis of lung cancer with mets to the brain. I helped her out to the car and as she was getting in she hugged me and told me she loved me. Weeks later she was on the Hospice unit. I went to visit her. The nurse warned me she had slipped into a coma. I went to her room and one of her sons was there. He said his mother was in a coma. Then his mother opened her eyes and said hi to me and asked how I was. She slipped back into coma after that and her son asked me why would his mom come out of a coma to say hi to me and not him. I just shrugged my shoulders.
Now at Easter time I take two red roses to their graves. She said to me once with a smile that every year on the anniversary of his death there was a red rose on his grave. I said oh really. They were both such incredible people in my life and even though they are gone my life is much better because of them. This time of year I enjoy immersing myself in the memories. I will think about what he might look like if he had aged, would we still be together and then I wonder what he would have thought of the twists and turns of my life. I hope one day to find out. I wonder if one day he will ask me what the hell was going on in that motel room.
