I have a theory that testosterone causes a mental fog that keeps men from exploring their sexuality more, and allowing it to surface. Your now allowing your emotional side to come dominate, so your experiencing the emotional attractions and arousal that normally would be "fogged" by testosterone. All i can say it will get even more intense if you try adding estrogen..

Even though I'm single and was never married, I'm not focusing much on any relationship for the time being. Maybe sometime down the road of the new me might that change.

Exploring sexuality is generally a good thing under the right circumstances.

I went to Camp Bar in downtown St. Paul tonight. This nicely dressed guy about my age was giving me the eye, so I said 'hi'. In my pre-Androcur days I probably would have avoided his glance!

Then he went to order a drink. Before he came back, I ran into several friends from work and started talking. The guy came back, saw me talking and left the area.

When he returned, we talked a while. I gave him my phone number and left shortly after he squeezed my butt and I kissed his cheek. I'd just driven home from Chicago and was worn out.

He seemed nice. If he calls, I'll see if he wants to meet for coffee or a drink. If things start to get more serious, I will certainly tell him my status. If that turns him off, so be it.

Thing is, I don't have a sex drive but I feel very sexual. If a guy is interested in my satisfying him with less concern about my own satisfaction, great.

Of course, I'm always open to the possibility of a relationship with another eunuch.

-kirit

Yesterday, I had my monthly appointment with my gender therapist. I discussed how I was feeling much more aroused by men, certainly in ways that are different than before I became chemically castrated.

At her last visit, she had suggested that I explore my sexuality. At first I thought that, for now at least with little T, I have none. Now I'm finding that is not true, as I've mentioned here.

The thing is, yesterday my therapist said that perhaps I should wait before exploring my sexuality. Huh? She never explained why she was back-pedaling.

At any rate, I discussed with her being open to the possibility of new types of sexual relationships in life, such as polyamory. I was married for 20 years (to a woman) and still tend to look at these things through the lens of a monogamous, heterosexual relationship. There's nothing wrong with that.

But...I am 56, transgender, until recently (and possibly still) gay identifying, single and I still have a big-time mental interest in sex. Is there any reason why I need to stay with the heterosexual norm for relationships?

Possibly, if that's what I'm comfortable with. Perhaps, though, I will find if I am open, that other expressions of sexuality outside of this heterosexual norm work for me. Intellectually, I have no problem with these other types of relationships if everyone is in agreement, and I mean real agreement here (not, I'm afraid I'll lose you if I don't go along agreement), and no one is being hurt. The dynamics of relationships become more complex as more people are added.

I'm not sure what all this means for me, yet. I'd still ultimately prefer a monogamous relationship with a man or eunuch I grow to love more as time goes on. I may never find that person, though. The question I'm left with is, can I enjoy some other type of relationship without the expectation of monogamy and not be hurt myself?

-Danya

I so long to be held, carressed and even made love to that I spent over two hours yesterday looking at the profiles of various local male escorts. I love my shaved, epilated smooth body and want to feel a man's hairy body against my skin. No smooth escorts for me!

It's unlikely that I will use the services of an escort although it does seem that good ones can convey remarkable impressions of actually caring for their clients. Ultimately, I think this kind of experience would leave me feeling unsatisfied. OTOH, I am feeling this building need for validation of the physical aspects of being a eunuch.

-Danya

Having no background in any of this take these ponderings with a huge grain of salt. Your statement about wanting to be smooth and wanting a hairy male body next to you. Is this a desire for a "hetrosexual" life rather then a gay one? What I'm saying is if this transgender biz and your leaning to the feminine is that the deep seated goal?

As to a relationship that is one on one I think many of us share a desire for a life where we don't have to wonder who is doing who or the concerns of STDs and so on. And for that I wish you luck! I'm so glad I met and settled down with MrsT.

Hey MrT,

Many gay men have preferences for hairy or smooth partners, although there's certainly been a tendency for the smooth look in recent years. Apparently, this is in part a response to the AIDs crisis. Smooth bodies are associated with youth and health.

Actually, I think you are right in one way. I no longer view myself as gay, if the label ever fit at all. I am attracted to men. Sexual attraction is a different matter than gender identity, entirely.

Yes, I freely admit that I lean to the feminine side of androgynous. That still places me someplace towards the middle of the gender continuum. I still can't picture myself with a woman's body and feel comfortable about it.

Thanks for the input.

-Danya

Todd I love hairy older men. I love kissing a man with a beard. I'm still gay and yes sexual preference and gender are not the same. Although like you I tend to seek out my feminine side and I've always been the submissive partner in my relationships. A connection ?

Pauline

Pauline,

Fifteen years ago I would have been uncomfortable with anyone even thinking I was somewhat effeminate. When I was in therapy in Baton Rouge, LA (to help me get through a degree program, while working full-time, with my sanity intact), the issue of my gender presentation somehow came up. The therapist commented that I had 'softened masculinity'. I was confused and slightly insulted

Now, I'm very comfortable with who I am, including the effeminate or even feminine part. I've probably still got a way to go, but I know I'll get where I need to be.

Danya

As time goes by since I started Androcur on Nov 2, my sexuality continues to change and become more intense. Just not in the physical arousal sense, although i can still get that going with enough effort. I'm not usually at all motivated to do that.

It always used to be that flirting never came naturally to me. Now I find myself coyly flirting with waiters, gas station attendants, clerks, etc.

What was totally new tonight was I found myself mentally undressing this guy at a restaurant. I'm sure this sounds very tame to most of you but for me it's something I've never done before. To top it off, I was eating with a friend while this mental undressing continued. in the past I never would have allowed my attention to be diverted from a conversation with a friend the way I did this evening.

-Danya