I wrote this morning that I'd take a prescription I have to help stabilize my mood. I'm supposed to use it when I'm taking unusally high doses of prednisone to help control my asthma. I haven't had a chance to try it with prednisone yet but had asked for the prescription. It's likely I will take it whenever I have to take that steroid again. Prednisone, especially when the typical starting dose proves ineffective and the doc moves up my dosage, makes me really hyper. The last time this happened, I practically burned down the kitchen. Totally by accident, mind you. Long story there but I just want you to know I'm not a pyromaniac

So, this morning I thought the mood stabilizer would help calm me and I'd feel more in control of my emotions. This was a very bad idea. It left me feeling in a drunken stupor which wasn't at all pleasant. Feeling that way, I didn't carry through the second part of my plan, which was exercise. So, tomorrow no mood stabilizer but some healthy exercise.

This evening I felt some of the emotional and physical exhaustion I've experienced after previous extreme emotional highs. This was a good thing and I took a nice nap before calling a good friend.

When exhaustion finally hit after my first uber-happiness episode, I was worried that the happiness wouldn't return. I didn't need to worry. Within a day the wonderful emotions I've experiencing on Androcur were returning, although not as intensely right away, which was fine.

Sounds like you are getting things under control now Todd. It feels like you're extremely introspective at the moment. Do you think you might always have been a little that way? I'm saying this because I know that when I get a little introspective I have a tendency to become a bit obsessive about my health and how I'm feeling. You are talking about getting some exercise and I'm sure this is exactly what will do you the most good at the moment. My wife and I walk a lot. We increased the amount of walking we did when she was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years back. I reasoned that she needed to be as fit as possible before surgery, chemo, and radiotherapy (plus it was the only thing I could think of that I could DO about it). We're sure the walking helped, and since her treatments finished we have continued the walking. I'd guess we average somewhere between 40 mins and an hour of brisk walking per day. I find it a great mood enhancer, and I sleep better too. My wife had a second bout of cancer a year ago (a couple of years after the first), this time it was a very nasty inflammatory cancer in/on her remaining breast, and that meant a different chemo (Taxotere) plus Herceptin, and more surgery leaving her completely flat chested (not to mention 39 lymph glands removed from her armpits). She also had her oestrogen completely suppressed by Arimidex (similar to Tamoxifen) so we know quite a lot about about the effects of hormone suppression. It has been a little difficult to motivate her to get back into the exercise as her fitness has been given a real bashing, plus the lack of hormones - and we all know what that can do. But she's doing ok. Because she's on Herceptin indefinitely now she has to have her heart performance monitored as the Herceptin is hard on the heart muscles. So far (18 months of Herceptin every 3 weeks) her heart is coping well. We recently acquired an ex-racing greyhound and the walking has become even more fun. The dog adores the long walks as much as we do, as has given us someone else to look after - which kind of helps to keep things in perspective. ie. takes us out of ourselves, if you know what I mean.

Stay cool man. ;o)

I was watching a movie last night and started crying...and I'm not on T-blockers, just Estrogen - so I still have a lot of those effects...

But there will be anger too..and when there is...

Step back, take a breath, and keep your mouth closed if you feel anger coming up - that is one valuable lesson I HAD to learn b/c I was feeling it at work on those times when I was on Androcur - so if Anger fits in there remember to just stay quiet and not say anything you may regret later!!!

Just a quick note for now, Riven and Tclosetgirl. I'm really moved by the caring advice you've both provided and I agree with it. I'll write more either later tonight or tomorrow when I've got more time. I just wanted to thank you right away.

-todd

Riven, I've been really introspective my entire life. I don't think, though, that I'm obsessing any more about my health and feelings than usual. I've got to be really careful to try to avoid asthma attacks because, with me, they can last up to 6 months. This summer, I had to stay indoors the entire season because of an attack. Many days, I had to work from home because I couldn't take the short exposure to the outside air required to get to work. As far as feelings go, I've generally been pretty comfortable with those most of my life. I've experienced pretty intense emotional highs in the past. This time, it's different. The highs seem higher and they persist for much longer periods. I've actually enjoyed these feelings, at least to the point when I've realized that I'm feeling so happy I can barely concentrate on my work. Exercise has always been really beneficial to me. I just need to keep at it now.

Sounds like you've been doing a terrific job helping your wife through some extremely difficult times. I'm glad she's doing well on the meds she needs now. Dogs are wonderful. If I didn't live alone and weren't gone so many hours of the day, I'd love to have one. I totally agree that pets can help take us out of ourselves. Thanks for your thoughtful comments and concern.

Yes, Tclosetgirl, I've already been surprised by some angry emotions that I've experienced since starting Androcur. Fortunately, I've been able to keep my mouth shut so far, although once I stopped myself just in the nick of time as I was starting the first word of a response. I've been kind of confused at the origin of this anger. In the case where I'd actually started to open my mouth, and thank God I was able to halt that really fast!, I was losing patience with someone who is very important to me at work, a good friend. I think I'm feeling so good about myself I'm occasionally losing patience with others who may not feel that way much of the time. Believe me, I'm typically a very kind and understanding person so I was stunned I was feeling the anger. Now that I've experienced it, I'm very aware that it may come up again and I definitely do not want to hurt anyone with it. That's not who I am.

Danya (imported) wrote: Sun Dec 30, 2007 2:02 pm Yes, Tclosetgirl, I've already been surprised by some angry emotions that I've experienced since starting Androcur. Fortunately, I've been able to keep my mouth shut so far, although once I stopped myself just in the nick of time as I was starting the first word of a response. I've been kind of confused at the origin of this anger. In the case where I'd actually started to open my mouth, and thank God I was able to halt that really fast!, I was losing patience with someone who is very important to me at work. I think I'm feeling so good about myself I'm occasionally losing patience with other

who may not feel that way. Believ

Danya (imported) wrote: Sun Dec 30, 2007 2:02 pm e, I'm typically a very kind and understanding person so I was stunned I was feeling the anger. Now that I've experienced it, I'm very aware that it may come up again and I definitely do not want to hurt anyone with it. That's not who I am.

Welcome to the flip side of not being able to make your own testosterone. When I was using Androgel which is daily I forgot to do my daily rub maybe twice. Both times I turned into an unsufferable man-bitch. It was only as I sat inside myself looking at my mouth run and tear someone to bits that I pondered what was the F wrong with me. I started bringing emergency packets to work just in case I forgot.

I like to compare it to little old ladies. Sure, there are a lot of really nice, sweet, calm, kind, and caring little old ladies out there in the world. However, there are also a number of angry, bitter, miserable, borderline violent little old ladies out there too. You know the ones, jabbing people with their canes, pushing people out of their way, telling off whomever they damn well feel like...

I know I'm a much bigger bitch without the T than I am with it. And that's saying something.

BossTamsin (imported) wrote: Sun Dec 30, 2007 11:01 pm I like to compare it to little old ladies. Sure, there are a lot of really nice, sweet, calm, kind, and caring little old ladies out there in the world. However, there are also a number of angry, bitter, miserable, borderline violent little old ladies out there too. You know the ones, jabbing people with their canes, pushing people out of their way, telling off whomever they damn well feel like...

I know I'm a much bigger bitch without the T than I am with it. And that's saying something.

Hell, I'm just a bitch, as many would agree....

I've got to say, and perhaps this is a Mary Tyler Moore-ish side of me coming out (OMG, no!), "You guys!". When I got on this thread, I was in an OK mood but now I'm laughing my head off. Thanks, Mr. T (and I know you were giving a serious response here, my friend), IEunuch and Kirstoff, although I know it may not have been your intention, you've given me a much needed lift.

What I wanted to report was that, for reasons real or simply the result of my over interpretation of something that happened late last night (like maybe 1 AM or so), I was starting to get very concerned that I was getting into post traumatic stress disorder territory. This hasn't happened to me in about 15 years. I was assaulted in 1984. Although their were no firearms involved, the police thought someone had been shot when they arrived. There was so much blood, all from me! Being the naive little dude I still tend to be, as I was being attacked by 3 rather large men I dumbly (yes, I will admit that I can be dumb! ) - please resist the strong urge to comment I'm sure you're feeling now, Kristoff:) - or perhaps 'stupidly' would be more correct, I really wasn't speechless - I didn't try to flee these people but instead stood there as they continued to badly damage my body. I was saying things like 'What's going on? Can't we talk about it?' I guess by admitting to this really ineffective and 'dumb', not to say dangerous, reaction I may have now totally given up my fear of revealing too much of myself on the archive. My ex-wife may have saved my life in all this. The worst part of this experience was that after the physical attack and injuries, there was a continuing psychological assault for the next 6 weeks. All I can say about this here is that a therapist friend, actually we used to date but not for therapy , in Minneapolis says what happened to me and my ex-wife is the most evil thing he's heard in his years of practice. Back to the real or constructed by my often overly-active imagination part. I first was experiencing extreme anger like I haven't felt in the years since my last belt of PTSD. This only went on for about 20 minutes. The end result was that I was starting to feel extremely violated, as my body had been violated when I was assaulted. I knew I was getting onto really dangerous ground for me (see, I'm really not totally stupid. Can one be partially stupid? ). This was causing a major panic. I was going to mention a public thank you to someone on this site whose right to the point, no nonsense email response to my reaction snapped me out of what was happening. Now I've concluded that he might consider that such thanks might ruin his reputation. So I won't go there. On second thought, I'll throw caution to the wind and say "Thank you, Kristoff". When I woke this morning, I was breathing heavily and feeling the panic again. Kristoff's response from last night came to me and I felt a bit better. I also want to thank Tugon for all of his care and concern. We've had some talks about this assault stuff. He's one of the sweetest, kindest people I know. At any rate, I've got to get my act back together here or the next time I take the MMPI test the report will recommend lifetime treatment with anti-psychotics. What I'm going to do now is go exercise. I will most definitely feel better after that. It does me a lot of good to be able to talk about this here, and even joke a bit about it. This experience in no way means I have any intention of ending my Androcur treatment, BTW. If it's my destiny to be a bitch, so be it!:D Ah, I kind of don't really see that happening but if far wiser people than me have experienced this effect on low T, who knows?

This site is a terrific place.

-todd