My introduction

[genderless (imported)]

Thanks for sharing your story.

[tugon (imported)]

I can very much relate to being in the middle. Not until I became a eunuch did I understand my place in the world. Prior to becoming a eunuch I was troubled by a sexual addiction and I understand how that hyper drive can be troublesome.

[DonFL (imported)]

thank you for the kind words... its been a roller coaster of a ride but now that i know whats going on I can cope with it much better. Im going to keep a log of my return to anti-androgens and post it when it has taken full effect, to help anyone else considering it as a solution.

[DonFL (imported)]

Well… re-reading my own story I have realized how much I left out, but then it would have been a mile long… Plus there are some things I went though in the deleted 6 years I don’t want even on these forums. The next chapter in this story did indeed write itself, faster than I expected.

One thing I should mention is that Teresa didn’t mean to lower my T levels to castrate, that happened because I seemed to only go in two modes, on or off. She had tried several testosterone antagonists abut nothing made me feel as good and even as depo-provera, so that is why I returned to it and stayed on it for 5 and a half years, minus a few very short interruptions. During the last few years of the depo-provera, I had also added a small dose of estrogen on my own to keep depression away and to lower health risks, but I got to likeing it too much I think, estrogen hormones can be addictive as testosterone.

In the last few months I finally seeked professional care to finally solve my pain and hormone problems, This had mixed results.

Before I joined EA, I had been freshly back on my depo-provera for 3 months, and I stayed on it another month past joining. At the prompting of my girlfriend, I got a good endocrinologist, who didn’t like my depo-provera at all but agreed to monitor me and keep me from hurting myself with self treatment. Soon she offered the option to try lupron depot and testosterone replacement. Since my GF was on the edge of leaving me from the lack of sexuality, and I didn’t want to be alone, I tried it. Well, it was bad timing, a week after the lupron shot I got a T shot with 100mg. Then sh!t happened.

At the same time I was getting help from my endo, I had also found an urologist who I was trying to get help from. I made a lot of diagnosis progress, I had 3 ultrasounds and blood tests which showed up a lot of my problems. That scar tissue turned out to be a Ludwig cell tumor, which 90% of the time does not turn, but he wanted to use this as an excuse to solve my pain problem too. The left was almost dead from something I had done before and it was to be removed as a preventive measure. He tried to get authorization from the hospital ethic board to do a orchi, but, they shot him down, since it was a Ludwig cell tumor they wanted “watchful waiting” to see what it does. After this his treatment wavered all over the place, from wanting to do a scrotal orchi in his office surgical room, to just keeping me on nerve blocks.

Finally I had a really bad ultrasound that found the mass in my right testicle had grown by 20% in one month. I don’t know exactly what happened to make my doctor wig out, but something had happened, I don’t know.

Monday, Aug 20th I had checked into the hospital with the expectation of having the surgery and was entirely geared for it. I had the last ultrasound and the doctors went into a back office and talked for over an hour, I had no idea what was going on. They told me to get dressed and go to my urologist’s office. I did so and I was at a loss for what was going on.

After waiting on my urologist for over 2 hours, he finally graced me with his presence. He simply said “your case is very complex you know, with your hormone problem, the different scar tissues, and the mass you have, I feel your case is to complex for my office to treat. You need to find a new doctor.”

I was stunned. I left the office, they didn’t offer so much as a referral. I had not got a GP yet, so I couldn’t just call a doctor for help. Unforently with my education and background, I knew where to get surgical supplies and lidocaine. One of the things in my original intro I had left out is that I was a veterinary surgical assistant for 2 years during my college years, and have preformed a certain procedure a few hundred times. I didn’t include this, frankly, because I will not cut a person and didn’t want people here bugging me for it. Well, I had a severe mental breakdown from everything that happened, it was compounded by my recently fluxed hormones and fresh shot of testosterone.

In my depressed, emotional haze, my mind came up with the solution of doing the procedure on myself. Instead of going to work that afternoon, I went and procured the supplies, and went back home. I did it, exactly like I was trained to do so many years ago, I had relativity few problems doing it, mostly with the closing stitches as im not used to doing them in a mirror, but old hand movements get ingrained with the training, and I eventually finished it. I regret what I did, but only because of the mental pain I caused my loved ones with my breakdown. I went into a hospital and my therapist got me out after 24 hours, but evidently it was too soon, after 2 more days I checked myself back in and had a 6 day stay.

During this time I was able to mentally stabilize and they also watched my hormones very closely, they gave me a combo of fast and slow acting T to bring me up. I have to say, the hormones did more for me than any antidepressant I had ever tried. I regained my energy, assertiveness, and eventually sexual drive. I also was introduced to several doctors who are giving me excellent care, things are looking up for me.

Im having some returned pain and hormone problems, but nothing like before, I will work though this and things will be better.

I have to say my life in the last 5 weeks with more or less normal testosterone have been better than I can ever recall. The extremes of my cycles are gone, im even all the time now, and I can manage my drive with self discipline unlike my “natural” testosterone fueled drive.

I have basically decided in these last few weeks that I have moved back as identifying as a male, and im going though what I call a “eunuch to male” transformation. I have lived for a long time with castrate T levels and now im getting used to things as a regular male. MrT calls this the 2nd puberty, and I cant argue with the description, its definitely a major physical and mental change for me.

I will be getting several procedures soon with my new urologist, including implants and several other procedures. Yes, im uncomfortable with the ball-less look, I don’t think its for me.

Well, as I said before, t

he rest of the story has yet to write itself, but will do so with time...

To be continued..

[gunpowdercub (imported)]

thanks for including us. and me... in your continuing story.

[DonFL (imported)]

thanks gunpowder... you've been a big support to me..