Hello folks,

There never was a proper follow up for the above, so I'll start there.

Firstly, the GP was correct in his initial impression, that I have been very deeply depressed for a very long time. The initial test result for T levels was "right in the middle of normal for someone your age". I'm now seeing a really good counsellor, and am using SSRI antidepressants. The pills are making a world of difference.

This however, hasn't diminished the urge to become a eunuch one jot. If anything, now I'm not constantly feeling crushed under the weight of darkness, I'm finding myself more and more conscious of this need. I have already briefly broached the subject of gender and identity with my counsellor, and it's on the agenda now.

What I need to get really clear now is whether this urge is purely fetishishistic, or is there a real underlying need from an identity point of view. As I've written above and elsewhere, the sense that I'm not exactly who, or what, I ought to be has been around pretty much since I can remember. Even before puberty in some ways. I certainly feel that emasculation is right, but feminisation would be a step too far. This, I believe, has been the case for a long time. I just didn't allow the idea room in my mind until comparatively recently.

Having escaped at least one addiction, I'm very aware of just how good one's brain is in making up lies. This is why I feel it necessary to explore the matter of fetishism with an expert.

What's very reassuring is that my counsellor has made it pretty plain that he's of an open mind. He also is very perceptive, and can pull together a good overall image from some specific points. I think I can make some good progress, whatever direction that might be, in the not too distant future.

I wish it were so that once you knew, then you could just do. I remember a cartoon of a dog I saw when I was a small child. It deeply affected me. The doggy was sitting back to the viewer. He was looking over his shoulder with a very sad expression on his face. The caption was "Go Away!". There was a saucepan tied to the poor dogs tail.

I kind of feel the same.

Thanks for reading to the end.

Billy.

One thing that I think lends weight to the idea that castration isn't only a fetish with me is that it's not a fantasy thing. I don't dream of getting my nuts cut off when I'm masturbating.

Billy.

BillyBlogs (imported) wrote: Fri Apr 22, 2022 6:23 pm Hello folks,

There never was a proper follow up for the above, so I'll start there.

Firstly, the GP was correct in his initial impression, that I have been very deeply depressed for a very long time. The initial test result for T levels was "right in the middle of normal for someone your age". I'm now seeing a really good counsellor, and am using SSRI antidepressants. The pills are making a world of difference.

This however, hasn't diminished the urge to become a eunuch one jot. If anything, now I'm not constantly feeling crushed under the weight of darkness, I'm finding myself more and more conscious of this need. I have already briefly broached the subject of gender and identity with my counsellor, and it's on the agenda now.

What I need to get really clear now is whether this urge is purely fetishishistic, or is there a real underlying need from an identity point of view. As I've written above and elsewhere, the sense that I'm not exactly who, or what, I ought to be has been around pretty much since I can remember. Even before puberty in some ways. I certainly feel that emasculation is right, but feminisation would be a step too far. This, I believe, has been the case for a long time. I just didn't allow the idea room in my mind until comparatively recently.

Having escaped at least one addiction, I'm very aware of just how good one's brain is in making up lies. This is why I feel it necessary to explore the matter of fetishism with an expert.

What's very reassuring is that my counsellor has made it pretty plain that he's of an open mind. He also is very perceptive, and can pull together a good overall image from some specific points. I think I can make some good progress, whatever direction that might be, in the not too distant future.

I wish it were so that once you knew, then you could just do. I remember a cartoon of a dog I saw when I was a small child. It deeply affected me. The doggy was sitting back to the viewer. He was looking over his shoulder with a very sad expression on his face. The caption was "Go Away!". There was a saucepan tied to the poor dogs tail.

I kind of feel the same.

Thanks for reading to the end.

Billy.

Thank you for your post. It is apparently well thought and stated. I am assuming the SSRI's are doing all the job they need to -- they can be a difficult thing to get right, but if it is working, stick with it. Please do stick with the counselor. If he is open and receptive to views not normally held by most counselors, then he is worth sticking with.

Kristoff

kristoff wrote: Fri Apr 22, 2022 7:07 pm Thank you for your post. It is apparently well thought and stated. I am assuming the SSRI's are doing all the job they need to -- they can be a difficult thing to get right, but if it is working, stick with it. Please do stick with the counselor. If he is open and receptive to views not normally held by most counselors, then he is worth sticking with.

Kristoff

Yes, you're right. I think there's maybe a little more refining with the SSRI dosage. As it is, they're messing with my sleep patterns. And weird dreams. Who would have thought that the clock stopping would make a subject for a dream?

The counsellor feels a sharp stabbing pain every time I go to see him. It's just me tightening my claws, I ain't letting go. I've finally got me a good one, and he's even alive.

Oh, I thought I should mention that I just couldn't nuke a gay baby whale, they're far too tasty.

Dear Billy!

I think we met on the EA Personals website.

As far as I remember, you posted a wonderful photo of yourself there as your Avatar.

Why don't you use it here instead of the current gray paper label (I don't know or guess what it is).

Valery

Valery_V (imported) wrote: Sat Apr 23, 2022 1:55 am Dear Billy!

I think we met on the EA Personals website.

As far as I remember, you posted a wonderful photo of yourself there as your Avatar.

Why don't you use it here instead of the current gray paper label (I don't know or guess what it is).

Valery

Hi there Valery,

We've crossed paths here in a few different places.

I can't be sure I even have that photo any more. I'll have a look through my files and see. The label is from a packet of glaçed figs. Or, put another way, figs preserved in sugar. (Locally at least, figs is a slang term for balls) It's supposed to be sort of analogous to testicles preserved in formaldehyde.

Tomorrow morning I'm off for my regular session with my counsellor. This will be the first where the matter of identity and gender will be discussed. I can't help wondering what tomorrow will bring. I hope it's something good.

BillyBlogs (imported) wrote: Sat Apr 23, 2022 2:39 am Hi there Valery,

We've crossed paths here in a few different places.

I can't be sure I even have that photo any more. I'll have a look through my files and see. The label is from a packet of glaçed figs. Or, put another way, figs preserved in sugar. (Locally at least, figs is a slang term for balls) It's supposed to be sort of analogous to testicles preserved in formaldehyde.

Hi Valery,

Is this better?

BillyBlogs (imported) wrote: Tue Apr 26, 2022 2:17 am Tomorrow morning I'm off for my regular session with my counsellor. This will be the first where the matter of identity and gender will be discussed. I can't help wondering what tomorrow will bring. I hope it's something good.

I've only just come through my front door after my counselling session. My feet aren't touching the floor. We discussed how I'm feeling, and how I see myself in respect to sex and gender. I still can't believe I've done this. In general I told my counsellor that I believe I'm not either male or female really. I'm not asexual either. Men can be so sexy, but I'm not one of them. I have feminine traits, but I'm not a woman either. Because of having lived in a binary world for so long, it's taken quite a while for the notion that I can be something else to soak in.

I talked about the impact of seeing a photo of a castrated man for the first time, and how it was like being whacked in the back of the head. A wake up call that I had been missing for years. An unbelievable recognition that left me speechless.

I can't help feeling this is going to go somewhere good. My counsellor is open and encouraging, and I felt safe enough to spill the beans pretty much entirely. Anyway, I had a bit of a shock reaction on the way home, with my blood pressure dropping and my head spinning with the realisation of what had just happened.

I told someone who can make a difference that I would like my nuts gone, and come away feeling like my castration is much more than a pipe dream now.

Right now- I'M FUCKING HAPPY!!!

Hi Valery,

Is this better?

Undoubtedly better!

More optimism! You will succeed...

Good luck!