Day 8

Stuff. Is. Happening.

I know, it's a bit soon for that and I didn't expect it until in a few days, but yeah, I definitely feel some effects, they caught me by surprise and hit me pretty hard. It started yesterday, but it's more pronounced today. I no longer get random erections or erections due to visual stimulation, they simply don't happen any more. My urge to masturbate dropped from 100% to maybe 5%, I basically just jerked myself out of curiousity to see if I can still get hard and all (yes I can by the way, but I have to keep touching because once the physical stimulation stops my penis gets soft very quickly).

So yeah, what can I say, it's all super weird right now, although I kind of knew what to expect, but to actually feel it is just... I don't know. I'm actually not feeling very well currently, it's hard to explain and I know it sounds dumb, but it feels like I'm not myself anymore. Does that make any sense?

So now I'm really struggling with what to do, have even considered to stop the trial... there are more and more things going through my head that I have not carefully considered before starting. For example, I have important exams next month, if I continue for one or two weeks and then stop the meds as planned, will I be in a good (mental) shape and be able to concentrate during my exams? Shit, I might not be my "old self" again by then, even if I stop now... funny how you start thinking when not busy masturbating and then realise just how many of your ideas are not very well thought through.

If this all sounds confusing then it's mostly because I am confused, sorry for that

Okay, edit:

Since this all sounds a bit negative let me tell you, there are actually good feelings I want to share: that is, not having to fight my sexual urges is very pleasant, I can just shove them in a corner deep inside my head and go on with other stuff. So yeah, it's mostly an emotional roller coaster here

Hey Tobi,

I had two test periods. I really do recognize what you're going through.

I remember 2 things:

During the first test mly head was completely free and very efficacious for studying.

During the second test it was all but that. I still do not know what happend exactely.

After the first test I believed castration was something for me.

After second I knew it was certainly nothing for me.

I also remember recovery was very, very slowly (almost one year after a test of one month)

So: I think you can stop your test now. Recovery will be slower than those two important weeks ahead of you.

I hope you can have the head completely free for studying your exam.

Afterwards you can restart.

Take care.

Vesal.

Thanks for your reply vesal_mas! I already made the decision to stop this test run now, but your comment reassured it further.

Day 9

Horniness is a bit back (25% maybe) and some part of me wishes to proceed supressing it for good, but I think the moment is just not right. And yes I know, why didn't I think about it before starting the meds? Well the answer is: this is what happens if you let your genitals think for you instead of using your brain

Anyway, I hope you are not too disappointed (I am a bit disappointed of myself...), but from this day on, dosage is down to 0 mg. Yesterday, when I had doubts I already took only 50 mg instead of 100 mg. So yeah, I will keep you updated, hoping that I won't experience an emotional rollercoaster like yesterday during my recovery.

I make some mental notes for the next trial:

First, I need to plan ahead. I never really bother planning things for much longer than a month, but with recovery times this long I really have to think this through and find a good time.

Secondly, I hope I can get my boyfriend on board with this. In the last days I just realized that without him, the whole undertaking is much more difficult to pull off, because not only do I lack his much needed support (I appreciate your support, but it's not quite the same as being comforted in real life by my partner if I have a bad day and my hormones go crazy), but it added an additional burden to my heart, as I had to keep a secret from him, which is not just a little white lie, but a huge thing like altering my sexuality, body and mind.

So for now, I will take my time to reflect on this, observe the reversal and try to be a good little student and not mess up my exams

Tobi, it seems to me you have an opportunity to learn about the full implications of chemical castration and stopping now will leave you guessing about the long term implications. My suggestion would be not to stop until you have 2-3 months experience on Androcur. After that time you will be a much better position to decide if you wish to continue chemically castrated or consider a more permanent arrangement as physical castration. Stoppping now in my opinion will only leave you frustrated and uncertain as to what path you want to go down. The choice is yours.

experiment (imported) wrote: Wed Jul 17, 2019 7:35 am Tobi, it seems to me you have an opportunity to learn about the full implications of chemical castration and stopping now will leave you guessing about the long term implications. My suggestion would be not to stop until you have 2-3 months experience on Androcur. After that time you will be a much better position to decide if you wish to continue chemically castrated or consider a more permanent arrangement as physical castration. Stoppping now in my opinion will only leave you frustrated and uncertain as to what path you want to go down. The choice is yours.

I agree. The real changes for me didn't begin until the third week. Before then, there were some transient side effects, emotional and physical. When I let myself recover after three months and my sex drive began to return I hated it and went back on Androcur. It was crystal clear to me by then that I didn't ever want to live with anything approaching normal T. A couple of injections with CaCl2 and adding estradiol and progesterone have been wonderful. I feel as mentally sharp as I was a couple of decades ago with none of the T-induced stress and fatigue I had experienced most of my life. It's true that YMMV, but giving the drugs enough time to stabilize their effects is the only way to see what's right for you.

I have experienced exactly the same, when I was thinking do I really need to do that? Or what am I? Moments when continuing with chem castration seemed to be pointless, or even dangerous. Fortunately these moments were brief. Plus I have chosen my chem trial period very carefully. Time when I have a lot of physical activity, a lot of joy and good people around me. Also I have taken care of my health beforehand. So no unexpected surprises. Also, I knew what to expect. That had helped me a lot to get through transition phase, when T drops quickly and you feel many weird feelings. Like you just described. After 2 months I feel, I have got through that phase and things seem to be much more stable. I am used to some negative stuff. Weird feelings are mostly gone. I think that some changes are still ahead, only these take much more time to notice. What I hate most is my slowness, I can't run fast anymore. It takes more time to get stuff done. The fact that I am physically weaker doesn't bother me much. And I get tired faster. Sleep has improved. I still plan to stay on Androcur 3 months. Despite I have had thoughts that I want to end it sooner. Perhaps I start to like my new self if negative or transition effects subside. Then I might continue for 2-3 more months. We'll see.

But it is absolutley correct to stop your chem castration journey, if it feels too overwhelming.

I feel a bit like a weakling having quit the trial so soon... but then again, there were several considerations that made me stop, mostly the timing.

By no means I consider this very short experiment a valid basis for a decision for or against living without testosterone, so you are right that I am not much wiser than before. Anyway, I trust my feelings enough to stop when I have those doubts.

For the next and hopefully more successful and longer attempt I aim for end of Ausgust or maybe start of September, when my exams are done and I have plenty of time ahead of me where I have not much else going on.

Other than that, not very much to report, urges are back somewhat, but masturbating once seems to satisfy me for a whole day or even two, which is quite relieving and also kind of what I expect masturbation should do normally I hope this goes on for a bit, but then again, being completely free of sexual urges and thoughts is still intriguing as ever and something to look forward to.

tobi24876 (imported) wrote: Thu Jul 18, 2019 3:12 am Other than that, not very much to report, urges are back somewhat, but masturbating once seems to satisfy me for a whole day or even two, which is quite relieving and also kind of what I expect masturbation should do normally I hope this goes on for a bit, but then again, being completely free of sexual urges and thoughts is still intriguing as ever and something to look forward to.

It takes a while to address the loss of those urges. Your mind is trained to cycle into and out of sexually driven thoughts and behavior. What happens when you no longer have a strong enough desire to seek a partner or sex? Either you become depressed or seek some other avenue.

It is so encouraging to hear from people who have trialed and when sexual urges started coming back they new that castration was right for them. I absolutely know I dont want the need, or the isolation, the liability or lifestyle that goes with testosterone. Living on testosterone is like a bad drug, you tell yourself your never going back, and because you have been on the shit for so long it is normal to be on it.

One more idea to contemplate. And that iis you are going to be pushing your body and mind through changes. Nothing worth having is easy. If you do a trial, during tougher times, it may be what holds you together later when you have made the changes and begain to wonder about the "What ifs".

chilli

It's been a couple of days and a bit of ups and downs, but no wild mood swings. My sexual urges feel like they are not completely back to pre trial levels, but almost.

The only really unpleasant thing was that I suddenly got some very nasty acne again, mostly in my face, neck and back, basically the same as during puberty (until my early twenties), so I guess my skin reacts very sensitive to fluctuations in testosterone levels.

But as chilliwilli said, nothing worth having is easy to get. I will have to deal with it again on the next trial.

A quick addition I forget to mention: My cum is still super fluid! Before the medication only if I masturbated for a prolonged time and had a really strong orgasm it would shoot out, for a "quick jerk" it was always very sticky and just dribling out, but now, even for those is shoots very far because it is much less sticky... kinda feeling like a porn actor lol, wondering when the consistency will return to normal.

PS: Why can I only edit posts for 10 minutes or so after posting, am I doing something wrong?