experiment (imported) wrote: Thu Jul 07, 2016 8:18 am
I am still not certain what your motive is for taking Androcur if you don't want to enjoy the eunuch' effect. It seems you might be trying to have it both ways and succeeding in neither. Perhaps you need to decide if you really want to be a eunuch?
I am 100% certain that this is the right path for me, my motivations do differ from many here though. My main goal in taking this stuff never had anything to do with my sex drive. Before I started, I knew that things like this might happen and that I'd experience a very lowered and changed sex drive. I viewed the sex drive reduction as a positive side-effect (in general it has been, too), and the potential for not being able to get erect or orgasm as a potentially negative side-effect. In my eyes it was and still is an acceptable trade-off. It's not the only trade-off I accepted either; I didn't want breasts and often don't like having them and hiding them, I don't enjoy the various impacts my appearance has had on social interaction either, but to me they are acceptable trade-offs.
My motivation for taking this stuff is this: I didn't want to get any more masculine, and in fact wanted to decrease it. I deeply loathed many of the masculine qualities about my body, i.e. body hair, muscle size/shape, skin, so on and so forth. I hated watching them get more prominent as I aged. For a long time I toyed with the idea of doing this in my head, and eventually I grew so sick of my increasing masculinity that I had to stop it. It had begun to bother me to look in the mirror. I wanted to be more like I was in my teenage years, and I definitely didn't want the masculinity to get worse. I would have rather risked becoming too feminine than take the guarantee of being too masculine. This is what nudged me over the line to make the decision. I had known several trans girls and seen what anti-androgens and estrogen did to them, and I wanted to use the same medications as them to modify my appearance, but without doing any "transitioning" like them and instead trying to use them to obtain an unnaturally youthful and effeminate male appearance. I never wanted to be a girl or anything like that. I just wanted to be effeminate and cute. Looking back there might have been better alternatives but I simply didn't have the knowledge I have now.
I do enjoy my body much more now that it is like this, even if having done this to myself has some downsides. The rewards for me are far greater than the downsides. I would never want to go back. In fact I'm seriously considering using calcium chloride injections into my balls to finish them off for good. I've read the entire calcium chloride thread, and I know I could do it, but I'm still not sure if I'm going to. I may just save up and get them removed surgically without doing any self-harm to get it done. Regardless, eventually I want them either completely removed or rendered incapable of producing testosterone. Either outcome is fine by me, but it is very important to me that I get one of them done eventually. I hate having dormant testosterone factories attached to me, kept suppressed only by a medication that I can't even be prescribed in my country, and have to order online. I really don't like feeling like my supply could get cut off at any moment and I'd be screwed. I also don't like knowing that this stuff is harmful to my liver. I digress though.
In a nutshell: I'm taking this stuff purely to modify my appearance (I suppose now it's more to maintain that appearance) and for no other reason. Anything else is viewed by me as either a positive, neutral, or negative side-effect. I wouldn't say it's vain either, because I'm modifying it so that I feel more comfortable with myself. I really don't want to age into a yeti. Even if that meant never having another orgasm in my life, that'd be fine so long as I don't become the metaphorical yeti.
It annoys me to have these difficulties with erections, orgasms, etc. but in the big picture it's well worth it.
