HappyEunuch (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 10, 2014 5:19 pm
The back story... I lost my testicles 2 plus years ago to tumors and have since been on synthetic testosterone. I have had 2 instances that I was not on HRT due to initially waiting to get into doctor to get HRT after surgery and letting myself heal and then again due to not having my medication and being off for about 2 weeks. Both times I noticed changes in my body almost immediately within 24 hrs.
The changes I have noticed include emotional, cognitive thought process, hot flashes, function of penis, and sexual desire, and a few others. To start it off my emotional changes I notice are I am more emotional whether it be any type of emotion from upset, to sad, to happy, etc. It does not matter what it is that is making me feel a certain way but it is more pronounced. Second, my cognitive thought process is different as to what bothers me and what does not bother me and how I go about my thoughts and actions. Hot flashes that everyone reports, penis function is limited as it does not get as hard as it use to or as hard as I can remember it did but it does get almost hard I guess you could say but not hard enough to make a difference. My sexual desire is no longer in the realm of penetration I actually start to view my penis as a part of my body that is used for urination not for procreation. I lost the desire to have my penis inside a vagina and when I do the sensation is not as intense although it feels good it is not as pronounced and not as good as to make me WANT it. But on the other hand I desire intimacy, cuddling, touching, admiring my spouses body, etc. I actually seem to be more aroused by watching her please herself than I am by actually pleasing her with my penis. a few others as stated may or may not be mentioned below further.
So the other night there was some discussion on religion and viewpoints of it. I have not always been open about anything. Even after my surgery I was still and am still partially closed minded thinking that balls make me a man and I have to play that role and not even be honest with myself. Well, that is not true let me make that clear. My wife and I were talking about our beliefs and etc and then it got into marriage and etc and blah blah blah. Well I was being open, sharing my thoughts, etc. I have been having issues with the response of my HRT and have learned it is no longer working. So I have stopped HRT.
Since stopping HRT over the past 3 days I have been having trouble being honest with myself. I have an issue with that. I want to do what I think people want to see or want to know. Well here recently I could care less. I was ashamed of not having balls, etc. I have been reading a lot of scholar research through google scholar around orchiectomy, castration, etc. and use to I would close down a page as soon as it mentioned something that I did not want to hear whether it applied to me or not. I have learned that everyone has different reactions and feelings and thoughts. I will touch more on the thinking later because that is the hardest part to deal with. I am hanging onto the past still and its making it harder actually for me to accept the present and the possible future.
I have been reading some of your posts and answers and etc along with others from around the internet. Everything from whether you are gay, transexual, m2f, cancer survivor, medically needed like myself or not. I have noticed a lot of similarities. Most I can relate to disregarding sexual orientation. But what I have had a hard time understanding is the limited research and also limited reaction and side effects from straight men M2E (Male to Eunuch) as it is called around the web. This would be the category I fall into. I was a male and now I am a Eunuch. I accept that. That wasn't hard. This is the first step in accepting myself in an open light. Thank you all for your posts because without them I would have no direction. I see it as a direction as everyone has a different exact path but the direction we are all going in is similar when it comes to the side effects post castration.
Terms that I have noticed used, Eunuch, Castration, Orchiectomy, m2f, tranny, transexual, etc. are all very valuable terms when searching for answers and not using them will leave you with less information. Trust me.
Now here at the Eunuch archive there are some very helpful folks and some very not helpful ones. I would assume some want no testicles as some sort of fantasy and I am fine with that although at one time I won't lie I did not understand it and thought it was somewhat different than the norm. Thank you all. I do though appreciate honest feedback not fantasy feedback. If you do not know please say you do not know not only in responses to this post but to any here at the site. There is a fiction section here for that. I am hoping to have some helpful feedback and constructive responses. Here is the situation now.
Hangup #1 - I was honest and told my wife that although I enjoy her sexually, what turns me on and what I like are no longer the same. I use to enjoy penetrating her and feeling her and now that is not as enjoyable as watching her pleased whether it is me doing it orally or physically with my hands, mouth, etc or if it is just her playing around by herself. It gives me a warm feeling under my stomach that actually is tingling and it feels good even after everything is no longer happening. Like an orgasm but an extended one that can last from 10 minutes if not longer. I told her I view my penis more as an outlet for urine than an outlet for sex. She actually said she understands and used other situations to relate and it kind of clicked. I was actually shocked because I was afraid I was going to be hurting her feelings. Although that is how it is I am still trying to figure out how my cognitive thought process has changed to view that part of my body differently.
Hangup #2 - We were discussing about how since my penis does not get hard and when it does it is minimal about how she would desire a hard penis at some point seeing as she is still in her 20's and young. We were both honest and the subject came up of another person (purely carnal) to serve those desires. I heard it, I thought about it, I even tried to be upset about it, but I was okay with it. I do not even have the jealousy that I was taught to be upset about this. I see it as her getting something she needs. I can even somewhat relate from memory the difference between masturbating with your hand is not the same as using a toy and that is not the same as actually having sex so I understand how that could be an urge that is natural in satisfying a primal desire and need. I can't say I would want her to expect me to settle for hand jobs and oral if something happened and she couldn't do it. I would honestly have to say at some point I would want to be inside a real vagina.
Now finding a woman's point of view on this matter is extremely difficult given the scenario and situation. This is not a fantasy or fetish. This is a medical issue that makes it to where I cannot get hard and get inside her and actually do not have the desire to although I do desire to see her happy and satisfied. When looking for the same scenario I have found only 3 different scenarios that involved the couples sex life after the husband became a eunuch and they all ended up in this "cuckold" as the term is used type relationship. I nor her like this title and term used to describe a relationship where the wife gets her D from someone else and the husband provides other needs from intimacy and love and kissing etc. Although it is very similar one is a choice due to situation and the other is a fantasy fetish.
Now here is the deal. I have no problem with this. I have no jealousy issue. I actually told her that I understood and I do and I even accept it if it were to happen 2 days from now or 2 years from now. All that I would want is to keep the intimacy. I want to be her cuddler, kisser, oral sex provider, and also her husband still. I only asked that she be on birth control and that it be someone regular not a random person each night. I even understand this could be something that could take place one time, once a month, once a day or once a year depending on when she had the desire and none of that bothers me. What is bothering me is that I can't feel differently about it. I told her that and said I think I should feel differently if I were still intact but I do not and I am trying to think differently as if I were intact but I can't. If that makes any sense. I am trying to think the way I would if I still had my nuts but I can't for the life of me even pretend I am thinking that way because my cognitive thought processes do not even agree with what I am trying to think.
So who has been through this? Who is married? Who has sex? Who has a sex relationship similar to the one described as above? Who has no sex? Who can tell me their story?
I look forward to hearing some of your responses.
Here is a link to a blog post by someone in a similar situation for your entertainment/research purposes I guess.
http://marriedtoaeunuch.blog.com/?p=1
