Truly good to know that things are getting better. Uncle Flo is right, you have many who understand here. Be safe.

daifu-orchid (imported) wrote: Mon Dec 09, 2013 1:51 pm Truly good to know that things are getting better. Uncle Flo is right, you have many who understand here. Be safe.

EA has saved me from doing crazy things in the past and I really value it. I have reached a stage in my journey where the alcohol injections are not enough and after my cutting I realised that I also needed help. Various concerned internet friends have caringly pushed me to do something too. I have spoken with my brother, who said 'I never saw this one coming!' He has managed to link me up with a Transgender councillor who I am seeing on Tuesday.

We spoke for the first time about our sexuality, he is gay and he never guessed where I am at. I come from a background of extreme child abuse, we were more or less tortured as well as sexual abuse and apart from my connections as a ghost in the cloud I have never talked about my background and gender issues with another soul.

I can no longer carry it alone and carry on taking hormones in secret, and trying to destroy my male bits.

So for me to talk to my brother and book an appointment to see a councillor are two very big steps.

I cannot say that I will not attempt this again, because when the madness takes hold I am unstoppable in my resolve and determination.

What I do know is that I need help and the support I get from EA publicly and in messages an oasis. So thanks one and all.

The wound continues to heal and there is now very little from the drain and thank God no infection. I change the dressing every 2-3 hours. I did get a bit scared yesterday when I the lowere half of my penis looked like it was turning black......but it turned about to be bruising and is diminishing today.

My brother also managed to persuade me to give him my medical instruments so that at worst I have to go over the hurdles of ordering more.

Keep us posted. There are many here who need to know that you're doing ok. Use your help. Be safe.

jcat....

Echoing the support of the others here.... please never think you are alone in these feelings. i did...and i hid it for most of my life. i went thru skewering, injections, burdizzo, and nothing was enough. i couldn't do it myself, but begged my Mistress to cut them off. In Her wisdom, W/we sought a Dr and went that route on 11/2/13. I watched (and videoed) the whole thing. it might seem "simple" to self-castrate, but it is NOT. Please don't try that again. You're lucky to still be with us. The blood supply to the scrotum and balls is huge. The Dr told of cases of self-castration that went very wrong. Personally seeing how complicated the procedure is, I'm very glad that my begging for it fell on deaf ears. even doing it "right"... i passed out a couple hours after the operation while sitting on a seat in the tub (from shock and loss of blood). I was well taken care of...but if i had been alone it would have been much different. i understand your desire/need to be rid of your nuts... I've been there...most of my life. please don't hesitate to seek advice or the counsel of your friends here.

good luck with the rest of your healing.....

john

Hi Rab of Mac,

This place is awesome, over the years I have been touched by the comments of many and the wisdom of others and the rebukes too that are wise and sensible. Conversely I am a 50+ gender dysphoric person with a history of extreme physical and sexual abuse as a child, and also 20+ years in prison behind me in a single sentence, my life experience has been somewhat off the wall. I have in the last 15 years made something out of it, building 2 businesses and I have a beautiful home and a wife who loves me to bits. Yet I am still haunted by this cloud of darkness that comes over me. In that cloud I really could quietly, calmly cut them out and not feel the pain. Bear in mind that this time I sat on the floor for six hours hacking at them.

I cannot promise that I will not try again, I really do not know. I am seeking help and am seeing a transgender therapist tomorrow and hopefully I will get a sense of perspective before the cloud of darkness come over me again. All I can be is me and be honest and open here.

I will listen and I keep coming back and I cannot tell you how much the support and the love mean to me that comes across the cloud from all corners.

Maybe one day it will be much easier for us to get the surgery done safely. In the meantime there will always be those of us that step beyond and take action into our own hands or someone else's. Without getting political (whether you are pro or anti) it is like back street abortions....there are casualties and people still queue up in spite of the risks. desperation makes one do desperate things.

I am taking steps to get help and I hope my words here and candour will help someone else in the same desperate space that I an in.

Fortunately, I am not like this all the time it comes and goes

Just a quick update about my condition. The swelling continues to go down and the drain is releasing virtually no blood now and starting to close. Fortunately, I heal quickly. I realise that I could still get an infection even after it appears to have healed. It will be a long time before I am out of danger.

Thank you for all the private messages and support, it really is a big help to me in my fragile state right now.

I am going for counselling later today and hope I can find a way of dealing with all this safely. It is not going to be easy.

There are two things in my mind right now, what I have to do next and who else is in the same place as me and needs help?

J cat. I have done it all, the cutting the wishing , but I to am still here, going the safe route, unless that does not work out. Will see in May of 2014. If that does not lead to any resolve of my problem I will cut myself in both sides and remove whats left of my testicles. If I am successful I will finally be free. If not oh well.

feedback (imported) wrote: Tue Dec 10, 2013 10:45 pm J cat. I have done it all, the cutting the wishing , but I to am still here, going the safe route, unless that does not work out. Will see in May of 2014. If that does not lead to any resolve of my problem I will cut myself in both sides and remove whats left of my testicles. If I am successful I will finally be free. If not oh well.

Feedback, I don't think I am in a position to give you any advice... I sense a depression beyond my own of resignation... I am not suicidal I want to live, this I know. I don't want to take actions and hope for the best. We are both in need of help and support and I am sure you will find members here who will share and offer support.

At very least we have this open place to be open and get feedback from others who either been in or who are in this same dark place.

I am looking for some light at the moment and I hope that the councillor I am seeing today will be able to help me. It may sound rich coming from me but: "please, stay safe."

I am not depressed or suicidal, if I try it myself I will have a safety person in case I get it wrong. I just meant that at least I will have tried and if I end up in the hospital then it is out in the open and will have to be dealt with one way or another. Right now I am getting nowhere with the medical profession. Just a big runaround.

Today I went to see a gender councillor. She is herself a transgender person and really knows what the journey is all about. In 70 minutes I managed to go over my childhood, prison and subsequent years and paint a picture of where it all culminated last week. Much to my surprise she is not phased by my chequered history and I have agreed to another 3 sessions and also agreed not to harm myself until we have completed 4 sessions.

I owe it to number 1 (River) to give counselling a chance and get some objective perspective on my life, I owe myself the chance to find a sensible, safe way to resolve my confused soul.

Arriving 90 minutes early I walked round Regents Park contemplating all that is going on. I don't often give myself the chance to think so much and it would have been really easy to listen to the voice in my ear trying to get me to walk away. However, I managed to do it.

I guess all our lives are complicated and messy. What endeared me to this councillor is that she does not use labels or try fit people in boxes. Let's face it I am quite an unusual shape!

So my dear friends I have committed myself to some counselling and not to harm myself in the interim.

My wound continues to heal and looks clean.