cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Mon Mar 04, 2013 3:09 am
You know, I had an epiphany today, and I really think that a lot of the things that I've said about estrogen making my emotions feel very roller-coastery, and getting down on myself, actually have nothing to do with the hormones. I think it's more of a personal problem of mine, having to do with how basically, because EVERYTHING has always come easy for me, I've never learned how to work at anything, so I'm kind of stuck in this mindset of expecting instant results with everything that I do. So because hormones, and voice training, and all of these other transgender things simply cannot happen over night, and take months of persistence
I hate to break it to you, I really do, but it's more like years. The hormonal processes alone take around 2 years (that is, after 2 years there won't be much more improvements). Also don't forget the very important social integration. Hormones and surgery can only make you look like a girl. Being a girl in the eyes of society takes around 10 years of socialisation (quoted from the local Dutch gender team). And then there's the rest of your life: you won't be just a girl, you'll be a transgirl, with special challenges along the way.
So do focus on the journey, not the destination. You're journeying away from your birth gender; you're transitioning, that's the important part.
I think you should also take a moment to focus on your circumstances. You mentioned that you work at a casino, where you have direct customer interaction. Quite a lot of people feel uncomfortable with visibly-trans people, which at some point during your transition you're going to be. How is your employer going to react to the news? Are they maybe going to fire you? Might it be better to look into getting a back-room position where you don't interact with customers that much?
cheetaking243 (imported) wrote: Mon Mar 04, 2013 3:09 am
Everyone else that I have talked to has reported an amazing sense of mental calmness on HRT. So yeah, this one might be just me.
If every transperson mentions to every other transperson that they feel an amazing sense of calmness on HRT, any transperson starting out, looking for validation, is going to echo that same statement, even if they feel like crap. You just went off the deep end; your body and mind need time to adjust.
I'm going to be honest here and speak of my own experiences: it's a roller-coaster for me too. For me, HRT, especially anti-androgens, slowly but surely undermines my being able to cope with being male. But my self-esteem, that's been very low at times and needs to improve to start taking on the herculean task of transitioning, is only slowly improving and occasionally still takes a heavy beating. I obsessively ruminate about if I'm ever going to pass, if I'm ever going to be accepted, or if I'll just be dumped by the wayside like so many of society's outcasts...
hugs.. I think I know how you feel.
Edit: reading the articles in the Gianna E. Israel Gender Library (
http://www.firelily.com/gender/gianna/), though they're mostly aimed at older transitioners, helped me a lot in dealing with this.
Edit: Also, quoting Julia Serano:
People often say that female hormones make women "more emotional" than men, but in my view such claims are an oversimplification. How would I describe the changes I went through, then? In retrospect, when testosterone was the dominant sex hormone in my body, it was as though a thick curtain were draped over my emotions. It deadened their intensity, made all of my feelings page and vague as if they were ghosts that would haunt me. But on estrogen, I find that I have all of the same emotions that I did back then, only now the come in crystal clear. In other words, it is not the actual emotions, but rather their intensity that has changed-the highs are way higher and the lows are way lower. Another way of saying it is that I feel my emotions more now; they are in the foreground rather than the background of my mind.
This does match my experiences so far. Where I could just push away my dysphoria as nonsense before I admitted what I really wanted and started with hormones, now it's something that's sitting at the forefront of my mind and won't budge.