More....

[Danya (imported)]

Withdrawal. Tell me about it! I am fairly open this weekend. I can drive to Bloom or to BV. Call me.

K

Hey Kristoff,

I know you understand. I'll give you a call tonight.

Hugs,

Danya

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I feel like I'm whining too much over issues competing for solutions and resolution. This reminds me of "O Fruende, nicht diese Tone," the solo vocal lead in to the full chorus "Ode to Joy" of the last movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. The basic message, as I hear the music, is "Friends, enough of this racket" of competing musical ideas. Which in a very cool way leads into the highly developed theme of univeral brotherhood and harmony.

For now, I'm struggling with several competing life issues. While I am in no conceivable way as competent a musician/composer as Beethoven, I can take inspiration from him. He dealt with depression and, if I remember correctly, he had thoughts of suicide as his deafness progressed. In his day, there were no effective medical treatments for depression. He had a very difficult life, yet he managed through intense willpower (and phenomenal musical genius) to continue to create some of the very finest music ever written. Despite his deafness and serious bouts of depression.

I've mentioned before that I don't give up and I'm not giving up now. My difficulties are still there and I have to somehow find my path through them. Like Beethoven, I am at times depressed and have occasional suicidal thoughts. (NOTE: this does NOT mean that I am in any way seriously contemplating suicide. No way. I do, however, hope for my current troubles to be much more manageable, and my life to be in better harmony, before yet another year goes by.) I want to get back to having fun and so on...all things I've written about elsewhere.

[Danya (imported)]

Less really is more, and I'm trying to keep that in mind! Maybe what I really need to accept is that I'm a drama queen??

I was able to get a Tuesday appointment with my gynecologist. It will be so nice to walk into the office with insurance coverage.

[Danya (imported)]

My gynecologist sent me for an MRI, last week. The results were fine, although the radiologist did include "There are postoperative changes of gender reassignment surgery." Not a surprise!

I see my physical therapist tomorrow morning. My last visit was in early June or so and at that time I was doing reasonably well. Now, however, the pain is back big time and it is somewhat different than before.

There are a number of things I'm learning from this whole experience. One important lesson: stress of any kind increases my pain because the already tight muscles tighten further. Duh! I'm looking at ways to decrease stress. One of these is changing how I react to potentially stressful situations. Driving is painful and so is sitting on a bus. I need to minimize my time commuting, so I may move much close to my new job.

Another very important lesson is to continue striving to live in the moment. I cannot change the past or know the future. By being present only in 'now,' I avoid thoughts like "this will never get better." I've incorporated some teachings of Buddhism into my thinking. For instance, there is the concept of 'the Path' or the 'Middle Way.' Enough about that, or I will write a too long post!

Although I am, at this moment, in a lot of pain I cannot know that I will always be this way. My experience tells me that this condition improves in spurts with some very good times and also pain flares. I will continue doing what I can to make my life better.

This is all I'm going to write on this thread. If I do not write anything else on the Archive, do not be concerned. I may post to other threads, as I have recently done.