Wolf-Pup (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 3:04 pm I was referring to cousneling for yourself, at least at first. It could be the case where she is asked to come with you at times, but it would be your therapy primarily. Better to do it proactively than hope you can salvage your life after the fact

I understand. Thank you for your help ! Are you single ? I think I love you.

Tom Cat Fool (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 2:29 pm First, I want to thank all who have responded. Very good responses that have made me think at my problem from different angles. I think Wolf-Pup has hit on some very good points. Yes, I do still love my wife. We have never had a very intense or passionate relationship but more of a trusting, deep friendship type of relationship. We also respect each other very much. So our marriage has been free of a lot of strife that more passionate relationships may encounter. It is possible that I just want the high from intense romance that only comes from meeting someone new ? I think I also miss the predatory hunt. I know I miss that part of it ! So maybe it is the classic mid-life crises. My last chance at romance before I turn into a wrinkled prune. Marriage counseling may be an option but I would have to go it alone which seems counterproductive. My wife and I did go to a counselor once when I was being distant about 8 years ago. The counselor thought I had Asperger's syndrome which would explain part of my obsessive compulsive nature. Not much I can do about having Asperger's but it did help my wife to understand me better.

To answer a further question asked by Wolf-Pup. Yes, during my crushes with other women I still love my wife as always, only the sex with her becomes more frequent and intensifies. I take out my frustrations on her I always tell my self if the other women finds me attractive I will be able to convince all three of us two move to Utah and get married. That is how fucked up my thinking can get !

Because I have long observed sometimes-serious prejudice directed toward autism-spectrum folks, I chose to describe some aspects of biology that you might, or might not, regard as useful in some way or other. The autism spectrum has tended to be divided into two camps, those whose lives fit the pattern described by Dr. Hans Asperger, and those who fit the pattern described by Dr. Leo Kanner. Their work was originally published around 1944, but Asperger's work, perhaps because it was done in Austria during World War II, did not make it into the English language until the 1980s. For those of us who are rather comfortable with being autistic, such as myself, the two patterns are sometimes named Aspies (you?) and Auties (me). Auties have language-delay issues that Aspies do not have.

As to finding psychotherapy/counseling, my experience suggests it may be a really good idea to locate someone who has established competence in working with older Aspies; many counselors who are not sufficiently familiar with autism and the ways autism-spectrum people experience social reality (which ways are greatly varied) can add to the difficulty an autism-spectrum person experiences without the counselor being aware of this.

I wonder whether part of what may be at work in your concern may be the effort required to present to other people as not being not particularly autistic. In my view, autism is a perfectly normal and necessary aspect of the biological diversity within humanity that has allowed humans to exist.

Perhaps you have noticed the "thing" at the bottom of the postings of the Archive "Jesus" (Not to be confused with THAT Jesus), "Nature loves variety. Unfortunately, society hates it."

In my view, autism is part and parcel of the variety that nature loves.

Sometimes, people who find themselves disrespected by "society" seek ways of coping with disrespect by doing things that give a sensation of pleasure in an effort to balance a sense of having been disrespected. That is a form of psychological displacement, a mental mechanism that can make difficult situations far easier to bear.

While autism-spectrum people tend to have difficulties with marriage, I have been married to my wife for over half of my life, with no end to marriage in sight "so long as we both shall live." And, yes, as difficulties arose in our marriage, we did seek out and find useful professional counselors.

What you have shared here is characteristic of people whose individuality has been disrespected by some other people and who seek assurance of self-worth through varied relationships. If that is in any way true for you, which I do not know at all, then effective counseling may be helpful. Such may be worth a try... Few marriage counselors that I have heard of are usefully competent in dealing effectively with autism-spectrum matters. Perhaps that has changed, now that autism has become more fashionable?

For what it is worth, I am autistic (I do not "have autism") and I find autism-spectrum people to be as normal as is anyone else.

I'm going to be brutally honest in my opinion.

I've read this through a few times, and the thing is, one does NOT fall in LOVE with every skirt that goes by.

"Crushes" are usually lust.

I assume that at one time, you were in LOVE with your now-wife?

If you were, are you no longer in love?

How do you think she feels?

It sounds to me like you've got a problem with LUST, not LOVE, and there is a huge difference.

Paolo wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 4:32 pm I'm going to be brutally honest in my opinion.

It sounds to me like you've got a problem with LUST, not LOVE, and there is a huge difference.

Jimmy Carter is quoted as having said that he had LUST in his heart many times but he's still with Rosalyn because he never acted upon it.

janekane (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 4:05 pm Because I have long observed sometimes-serious prejudice directed toward autism-spectrum folks, I chose to describe some aspects of biology that you might, or might not, regard as useful in some way or other. The autism spectrum has tended to be divided into two camps, those whose lives fit the pattern described by Dr. Hans Asperger, and those who fit the pattern described by Dr. Leo Kanner. Their work was originally published around 1944, but Asperger's work, perhaps because it was done in Austria during World War II, did not make it into the English language until the 1980s. For those of us who are rather comfortable with being autistic, such as myself, the two patterns are sometimes named Aspies (you?) and Auties (me). Auties have language-delay issues that Aspies do not have.

As to finding psychotherapy/counseling, my experience suggests it may be a really good idea to locate someone who has established competence in working with older Aspies; many counselors who are not sufficiently familiar with autism and the ways autism-spectrum people experience social reality (which ways are greatly varied) can add to the difficulty an autism-spectrum person experiences without the counselor being aware of this.

I wonder whether part of what may be at work in your concern may be the effort required to present to other people as not being not particularly autistic. In my view, autism is a perfectly normal and necessary aspect of the biological diversity within humanity that has allowed humans to exist.

Perhaps you have noticed the "thing" at the bottom of the postings of the Archive "Jesus" (Not to be confused with THAT Jesus), "Nature loves variety. Unfortunately, society hates it."

In my view, autism is part and parcel of the variety that nature loves.

Sometimes, people who find themselves disrespected by "society" seek ways of coping with disrespect by doing things that give a sensation of pleasure in an effort to balance a sense of having been disrespected. That is a form of psychological displacement, a mental mechanism that can make difficult situations far easier to bear.

While autism-spectrum people tend to have difficulties with marriage, I have been married to my wife for over half of my life, with no end to marriage in sight "so long as we both shall live." And, yes, as difficulties arose in our marriage, we did seek out and find useful professional counselors.

What you have shared here is characteristic of people whose individuality has been disrespected by some other people and who seek assurance of self-worth through varied relationships. If that is in any way true for you, which I do not know at all, then effective counseling may be helpful. Such may be worth a try... Few marriage counselors that I have heard of are usefully competent in dealing effectively with autism-spectrum matters. Perhaps that has changed, now that autism has become more fashionable?

For what it is worth, I am autistic (I do not "have autism") and I find autism-spectrum people to be as normal as is anyone else.

Well, I had the possibly fortunate problem of not being diagnosed until late in life. So I lead most of my life not knowing, but suspecting, that I had a low level autism issue. From an early age I was very good at music. I eventually got a full scholarship to college because of my music skills. This gave me enough self confidence to continue on my own and build a life for myself. But I always had extreme struggles with OCD and drowned it out in a pool of alcohol. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't consume at least 12 beers and a few shots. This went on until I was about 37. I just decided I was going to quit smoking and drinking even if it made me die ! Well, I didn't die but I have had to face my demons sober. I had to re-learn how to deal with life. When my marriage counselor mentioned I may have Aspergers I went to study the symptoms and I couldn't believe it. I had every one of them ! But aspergers can make a person very focused and can lead to success if it is channeled in a positive way.

On a positive note, I just talked to my wife about it. Even though she told me never to tell her I figured if I did it in a sensitive way she may be more receptive. She was very understanding this time and I think I am going to work through this problem of mine without to much damage being done. The trick this time: I asked her if she had any crushes since we have been married. She said yes

...

Tom Cat Fool (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 2:29 pm Yes, I do still love my wife. We have never had a very intense or passionate relationship but more of a trusting, deep friendship type of relationship. We also respect each other very much. So our marriage has been free of a lot of strife that more passionate relationships may encounter. It is possible that I just want the high from intense romance that only comes from meeting someone new ? I think I also miss the predatory hunt. I know I miss that part of it ! So maybe it is the classic mid-life crises. My last chance at romance before I turn into a wrinkled prune. To answer a further question asked by Wolf-Pup. Yes, during my crushes with other women I still love my wife as always, only the sex with her becomes more frequent and intensifies. I take out my frustrations on her I always tell my self if the other women finds me attractive ...

Your situation is much like mine was during my 15-year marriage 30 to 45 years ago, except the genders were the other way around -- it was my wife who coveted the additional sexual relationships. She got them, too, without my disapproval or jealosy, and without reduction in our own caring, respectful relationship and affectionate sex life. Neither was she insatiably over-sexed from hyper-hormones. What we were doing was part of what's now known as the "hotwife-and-cuckold" lifestyle, where she is polygamous, he isn't.

I've reflected on her motivations over the years. They include good companionship and conversation, good sex, new relationship fascination both in the initial getting acquainted and in becoming more deeply intimate in heart and mind, not just the sex organs. The feelings and effects of loving and being loved were sought. Given her somewhat fragile self-worth as a legacy of her growing up conditions, I think that validation of herself as desirable and worthy is what these extra-marital escapades provided her that satisfied her the most.

Your self-description in this thread finds me already prepared with this analogous account from my own life. I hope it's provocative. Your testosterone level, if high, may explain only a part of your urges, maybe only a minor part.

Woggler58 (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 6:03 pm Your situation is much like mine was during my 15-year marriage 30 to 45 years ago, except the genders were the other way around -- it was my wife who coveted the additional sexual relationships. She got them, too, without my disapproval or jealosy, and without reduction in our own caring, respectful relationship and affectionate sex life. Neither was she insatiably over-sexed from hyper-hormones. What we were doing was part of what's now known as the "hotwife-and-cuckold" lifestyle, where she is polygamous, he isn't.

I've reflected on her motivations over the years. They include good companionship and conversation, good sex, new relationship fascination both in the initial getting acquainted and in becoming more deeply intimate in heart and mind, not just the sex organs. The feelings and effects of loving and being loved were sought. Given her somewhat fragile self-worth as a legacy of her growing up conditions, I think that validation of herself as desirable and worthy is what these extra-marital escapades provided her that satisfied her the most.

Your self-description in this thread finds me already prepared with this analogous account from my own life. I hope it's provocative. Your testosterone level, if high, may explain only a part of your urges, maybe only a minor part.

Well, that would be sweet but I have already briefly mentioned the possibility of at least threesome love but I don't think she wants to go there. I think if I pushed the idea she would at least try it but why push something that could have disastrous results ? So I am happy she at least lets me watch it on the interwebs. Most wives wouldn't even agree to that one.

Well, that would be sweet

Tom Cat Fool (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 6:15 pm So I am happy she at least lets me watch it on the interwebs. Most wives wouldn't even agree to that one.

Reduce your testosterone enough and you will have little or no interest in porn anymore.

unencumbered (imported) wrote: Thu Aug 02, 2012 3:29 am Reduce your testosterone enough and you will have little or no interest in porn anymore.

Not to worried about eliminating porn from my life., it only takes up a total of 5 minutes of my day ..... and thanks to the miracle of the internet I don't have to pay for it

Tom Cat Fool (imported) wrote: Thu Aug 02, 2012 3:37 am Not to worried about eliminating porn from my life., it only takes up a total of 5 minutes of my day ..... and thanks to the miracle of the internet I don't have to pay for it

Lack of libido lets you focus on other things in your life.