That is such a sad story

The_Broken_poet (imported) wrote: Fri Aug 17, 2012 10:13 am I kicked back with my legs and caught one of the guys in the nuts

He fell down and I punched the second with my newly free hand

Then I pulled my shorts up and took a fighting stance (my dad made me take karate and Krav Maga [isreali art of self defense])

After I beat the crap out of the lead jock the rest backed down

That's how I got respect

By being (not exactly stronger) but tougher than anybody who came up to me

And I hope you all don't think I'm just a huge jerk who loves to fight

I don't

I hate to fight, but from the beginning of my time in schools I had to be 100 times tougher than the "real" boys or they would trample me (cause I'm a "freak")

Yeah, I couldn't do this. I was always more of the type that whined "stop it!" and "shut up!" but couldn't resort to any physical aggression because I didn't want to get in trouble. (Because my middle and high schools were both in bad neighborhoods [despite being great schools, but this is just how Tampa sets up their magnet system], they had a zero-tolerance policy for fighting.) So mostly when I got made fun of, my default response was whining and complaining. So I guess it made me an easy target.

I never used to consider myself as transgender even though I sure would have loved to have been with the girls which I was prohibited from doing per my dad and the belt. So for years I just did whatever I could with my life. Luckily I was denied from joining the military for and undisclosed physical imperfection at a younger age. I've never been much but I've always been able to get by. One day while at church I was singing as normal with everyone else. It's fun to sing in crowds. Nobody distiguishes voices in a crowd unless you start standing out. Maybe I started standing out. I don't know. I heard, "Mommy, why is he singing like a GIRL?¿?" among a few other questions. "Why is she dressed as a man?" another kid asked. And this got me to thinking, really thinking, deep thinking. I may have missed the sermon that day and I'm usually the only one, the one outsider, stranger, new guy or whatever who can tell everyone what the sermon was about when nobody else can remember. So my thoughts were this: Could it be that I'm really a transgender in disguise and if so then in which polarity am I actually the transgender? If it is sinful for a man to wear a woman's clothes and vise versa then could it be that I am really the sinful one for wearing a man's clothes when I really don't have the balls to do that. So that's when I started another tradition of mine: that is showing up at various churches around town, the more fundalmentalist the better dressed in drag. So here I am attending church where I would be condemned if they just knew. I did have to throw out a few white lies now and then if they started wanting to get to know me or where I lived and so on. However the question is then am I really, really in drag or not?

Who said you don't own a place in society ??

Its just how you make yourself , why don't you mix up with the people like you ??

When you do , they'll give you respect love and all care.

I'm a transgendered ,cross-dressing 67 year old man....I've found acceptance in the local congregation of U.U. church...I don't dress overtly..(no dresses, skirts, high heels), but, if you look closely, you'd see that I'm usually wearing all women's clothing...although it's ambiguous...I have a deep masculine voice and am a good looking man (so I'm told)...

I love the looks and feel of women's clothing...and I love their company...always have....It's only in the last few years that I've been slightly open about all this...There's a strong dichotomy between who I really am, and how i have to present myself...(grandpa, dad, brother, uncle). and it seems to be a real obstacle to how I'd like to proceed with the rest of my life (i.e. more womanly)...I push this issue a bit, and get some puzzled looks and questions...Hey..I cope...

The stories here are heart-breaking, and sometimes heartening....Do what you must to be happy...smooches Jackie

Hi everyone,

Thank you all for your words. Its nice to see a conversation that is productive in the forums. I can't stay long as I am way behind on my photography study...

I think I understand better why I dont see many people like myself about now. As I said before I have been rather self absorbed recently due to stresses and chalenges I have met.

I have come to the point where I am more female than male and its time to go back down the hill. I have had a stuggle up but now I'm looking forward to the easy path down.

Over the last few days quite a few people have called me madam or lady and normaly this would be a great thing for me as an ego boost. This time I made me think a bit deeper as to how I feel about the way I am at this point.

I hope that as time progresses I can show others that what I "preach" through how I live my life, that it is not somthing not to be scared of, and that others can be inspired too.

I was in the local coffee shop and often people are confused about the way I look (apart from the staff who are loverly) but it was only yesterday that a young girl sitting on the table behind me with her mother asked questions about why I was wearing makeup. The mother replied he looks a bit like archie thats all. Then the girl said but he has those (breasts) so he must be a girl ! However no reply from the mother this time...

Cheetaking243 Thank you for your words. They did strike a chord in my life when I was only interested in female clothes when I was at high school. Also that you felt similar about yourself in the way you thought about gender. My own thoughts about being gay overrode any other instints about being transgender at that time and it wasnt till alot later in life I realised why I felt that way.

I have been openly autistic for the whole of my life, and also openly transgendered.

I never took in the antidote for my being autistic, said antidote being my accepting deception as necessary to being a proper member of human society.

The best I can remember about recognizing that I am transgendered goes back well before I was born.

I claim to remember my life well before I was born? Yes; for I find that in-utero events get stored in "permanent memory" no less than do events that happen after a human is born.

(It may be of some merit to recognize that, thanks to the Supreme Court of the United States, I no longer regard myself as being a person because I am absolutely not merely a legal fiction; I am an actual, living human organism.)

What do I find that I remember about being transgendered while in utero?

With what is sometimes called, "the quickening," a fetus becomes physically active enough ("the baby is kicking"?) to begin to explore what is and is not of self. I find that I remember the onset of the quickening, and remember it as though my memory is eidetic. What I remember is my wrists bumping into each other, and I remember their positions. Is my memory accurate? I agree with the notion that all memory is reconstructive and therefore prone to error.

Prone to error is not the same as always in error. For instance, I remember, without error, that, in base three integer arithmetic, 2 plus 1 is 10. While I find it useful to allow that memory is reconstructive, I also find it useful to recognize that the reconstruction of memory can be accomplished without significant error at least some of the time.

After the onset of the quickening, I began to explore my situation by moving my arms, which necessarily moved my hands. I found my body through that exploration effort, and all seemed proper to my brain until I found "down there." Alas, "down there" (what is "down" to a fetus in the womb?) was what my brain map told me did not properly belong to me.

For me, that informed me that my life could have aspects that did not properly belong to me.

Quite naturally, having yet acquired no words, I had only a sense of meanings. And also, having been informed that my life could, in meanings and not in words, have aspects that did not belong to me, has framed the whole of my life since then.

Someone who harbors the notion of having authority over my life sets out to inform me that Jean Jacques Rousseau "proved" that there is a social contract to which I am bound by having been born, and I will, never relenting, unequivocally state that any such contract neither belongs to me, nor me to it, because I have never, in any informed way, consented to it, and expect that I never will consent in any informed manner whatsoever.

My sense of being transgendered way precedes any sort of human social interaction subsequent to my being born. It is, so long as I remain alive, absolutely indelible and eternally non-negotiable.

In a somewhat similar way, my being autistic is an aspect of my life which cannot be changed by any form of social interaction.

I find that, were I to let go of the way I am autistic and/or let go of the way I am transgendered, sooner or later, I would find it necessary to be validated by other people, and, were I ever to do anything as self-destructive as either, or both, of those, it would not be long before, in seeking validation from other people, I would act in ways that damage other people to coerce other people into pretending to validate me.

Fortunately, so I find, the fact that my sense of validity as a human organism is absolutely and perfectly innate, intrinsic, and inextricable, allows me to not seek validation from other people, and further, allows me to avoid damaging other people in a vain attempt to deny my having been damaged, because I never allowed into my life such damage as would drive me to damaging other people as a defense mechanism.

What has led me to not have greater presence in society yet?

One simple thing. I am not suicidal.

Suicidal? I have been aware of what I tend to now name, "The Matthew Shepard / Brandon Teena Effect."

I choose to avoid, as best I am able, suitably activating the damage in people whose damage, if suitably activated, would damage me to death.

Because I am not suicidal, I am unwilling to willfully activate latent homicidal tendencies that could be directed toward me, in people who have been damaged enough to be latently homicidal.

I have "those." And I do not have gynecomastia, because gynecomastia is abnormal breast development in males, and I find nothing abnormal in my much-improved, curvy shape, and breast development is entirely appropriate in a male-to-female-to-eunuch transgendered person.

While I was content with being male-to-female transgendered in all but one way, my sense of the cancer-promoting aspects of female hormones led me to explore the eunuch life as a way of minimizing my risk of developing cancer as a result of having the genotype for a form of familial adenomatous polyposis.

So far, so good, it seems. The average age of death of people with familial adenomatous polyposis is reported in the medical literature as 42 years.

My plan is to learn whether I can at least live twice as long as that average. I need less than eleven more years of life to learn that, or not learn that.

Meanwhile, what I have been doing as a bioengineer and/or scientist seems to be arriving at what I observe to be plausible fruition.

So, as fast as I can find the words and string them together, I expect to put my life work to as definitive a test as I can imagine being possible.

For I find that it is only grave error embedded in the supposed social contract that makes humans the apparently most destructive of all earthly species.

I plan to do what I can to repair said contract. I plan to do that through being clearly present in human society. And I plan to be clearly present in human society while concurrently doing everything I can imagine doing to avoid activating "The Matthew Shepard / Brandon Teena Effect."

God, I'd never even heard of the whole Matthew Shepard / Brandon Teena thing until now. I guess my youthful ignorance is showing. Sigh... why does this have to happen? What is it about gender and sexuality that gets people so worked up? Are challenges to traditional gender roles really that threatening to people? I guess I don't know because I've never been much of a stereotypical competitive young guy, but sheesh... it's not like we're asking them to be less masculine or anything.

It seems like just about everyone in this department has a story about bullying, some worse than others. It's no wonder that we with opposite-sex tendencies "disappear." And here I thought the stories about the young trans-boys going to school as girls and having their pants pulled down was bad. Urgh... this all just makes me want to curl up into a corner and cry.

i feel what you're saying cainanite. the world is an unaccepting and unforgiving place but it is up to us, the generation of today, to change the world for the better. if only there were a million people who thought this way and were truly ready to make a difference. once the revolutionary group acts out i will join in mind, body, and soul.