A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sex with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

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Clarence was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news in that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Clarence was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time

in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need--a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the tailor, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly Jewish tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see--size 48 long." Clarence laughed. "That's right, but how did you know?" Been in the business 60 years!"

Clarence tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Clarence admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked,"How about a new shirt?"

Clarence thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The tailor eyed Clarence and said, Let's see--34 sleeve and 17 and a half neck." Clarence was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" Been in the business 60 years." Clarence tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Clarence adjusted the collar in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about new shoes?" Clarence was on a roll and said, Sure. The tailor eyed Clarence's feet and said, "Let's see--9 1/2 ...E." Clarence was astonished. "How did you know?" Been in the business 60 years."

Clarence tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Clarence walked comfortably around the shop and the tailor asked, "How about some new underwear?" Clarence thought for a second, and said,"Sure." The tailor stepped back, eyed Clarence's waist and said--"Let's see--size 40. Clarence laughed, "Aha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old. The elderly Jewish tailor shook his head,"You can't wear a size 34. It will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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One of the city's top Cardiac Specialists died. At his funeral, the coffin was placed in front of a huge mockup of a heart made up of red flowers. When the pastor finished with his sermon, and after everyone said his or her good-byes, the large heart opened. The coffin rolled inside and the heart closed again.

At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Buddy?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a Gynecologist!"

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A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but his head was the size of a thimble.

The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring, but I can't help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?"

The man said, "Buy me a drink and I'll tell you." The drink was ordered and the story began. "I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat. Then looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes.

'Great I said. I'd like to be rescued.' She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.

Next I asked for a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Another slap of the tail and here it is.

Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said that it just wouldn't work, her being half fish and all, so I said 'well, okay, if we can't have sex, can you just give me a little head then?"

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For the Body Art Affectionados///

An accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows... he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Colorado, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Nebraska, and they taught us not to pee on our hands."

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One day a priest was taking confessions, he looks at his watch and noticed he had to leave. He asked one of the janitors to sneak in and take confessions for a while until he gets back.

The janitor says" I don't know what to do though!"

Then the priest replies "There is a list of sins and the prayers you are supposed to give for each one."

So the janitor enters the confessional and a woman enters and says, "I've cheated on my husband."

The janitor looks on the list and tells her to say three hail Mary's each day.

Then a little boy comes in and tells the janitor that he stole a chocolate bar.

The janitor looks at the list and the tells the child to say two hail Mary's tonight.

Then a teenage girl enters and tells him that she gave her boyfriend a blowjob.

The janitor looks at the list but he can't seem to find blowjob on the list so he sneaks out and asks one of the altar boys; "What does the priest give for a blowjob?"

The altar boy replies "A bag of chips and a can of cola."

>Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble

>deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the locals in

>Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some

>discussion, they decided to go to Italy.

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>So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one

>of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few

>minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they

>neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person,

>sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.

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>The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have

>seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and

>suffered the same fate as the first --sucked dry and tossed into the

>canal below.

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>Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short

>while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two

>couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into

>the canal.

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>Finally, the vampires decided that it was time to head back home. As

>they started to walk away they began to hear some singing.

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>They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they

>listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked

>over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge,

>feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang:

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>You don't know what the alligator sang, do you?

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> Here it comes.. This is great!

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> "Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

DAVE, that was GREAT! But, how did you know that I'm Italian?

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Cinderella ... the story continues ...

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead

Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by

from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy

Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after

all these years?

The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life

since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful

consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I

wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.

Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and

scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother."

The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart

want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: "I wish I were young and

full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage

returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long

forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you

have?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish

for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so profound a change in his biological

make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the

likes of which she had never seen before, so fair indeed that birds began to

fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your

new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was

gone.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she

had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,

and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close blowing

her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered,............

I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?