If worst comes to worst, maybe the marriage won't work, but perhaps you can still be friends

tigertim (imported) wrote: Tue Oct 25, 2011 12:14 am She's now blocked it out so at least it's peaceful in the house. If I need to chat I have my friends which is very helpful. I knew she'd take it hard. I suppose only time will tell. It was worth coming out as I have now started to accept myself and feel a lot happier inside

It IS a big shock you know. To find out you've been married to someone who turns out not to be who you married.

punkypink (imported) wrote: Tue Oct 25, 2011 1:51 am It IS a big shock you know. To find out you've been married to someone who turns out not to be who you married.

This isnt specifically towards Punky but..

Dont we all change though? Look at most divorces, ' Irreconsileable differences ' as teh cause. Were those differences there when they married?

The More we experience in life, the more we adapt of change. We include some of these new views/experiences and make them a part of us. Were not the same person for longer then a decade at a time, we change how we feel, how we look.. sometimes even how we act..

needachange (imported) wrote: Mon Oct 24, 2011 3:02 pm I realize that I'm probably going to get reamed for this but: What did you honestly expect? Did you honestly expect her to say, "Ok that's fine. I'll just suddenly turn into a lesbian and we'll live happily ever after?" No!! Your friends can be unconditionally supportive because they can do it from a distance. Your wife doesn't have that luxury. This type of decision doesn't just effect you, it directly effects her and you've just ripped her entire world apart. She can't say, "I love you for who you really are" because if this was her 1st indication that you wanted something this drastic, then she doesn't really know you! In a sense you've been lying to her throughout your entire marriage and she has every right to feel angry, confused, hurt and betrayed. I'm not saying that you shouldn't go through with your plans, because I think you have to do whatever it takes to be mentally and emotionally healthy... but cut her some slack! She has every right to "freak out"!

Solid advice, my friend!

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nobodyspecial (imported) wrote: Tue Oct 25, 2011 9:47 am This isnt specifically towards Punky but..

Dont we all change though? Look at most divorces, ' Irreconsileable differences ' as teh cause. Were those differences there when they married?

The More we experience in life, the more we adapt of change. We include some of these new views/experiences and make them a part of us. Were not the same person for longer then a decade at a time, we change how we feel, how we look.. sometimes even how we act..

Those differences were there but people get too blinded by love to see. I know, I'm guilty of this myself, of trying to make things work despite those differences. I also keep saying that love alone is not reason enough for 2 people to be together. Some people might be in love and will be lovey dovey... as long as they don't try to live together.

And sorry, you're talking about some things which aren't the same as gender. Gender by and large has been shown to be a function of the brain's physical structure, which is a consequence of genetics and hormonal levels in the womb during pregnancy. In 1998 an Italian university took the first scan of a trans woman's brain. This woman was pre-hormones and pre-transition, but the scan surprisingly showed a brain physically structured very similiar to cisgendered women's. Our environment, our social conditioning, affects only whether one realises one's gender instinct or not, it does not change that very innate instinct. So in effect this isn't some "you've changed over the years" shock to hit the wife. It's more of a "my whole marriage was a lie" shock because she is finding out her husband really isn't who she thought he was.

I don't think it is accurate to compare this to something that is more variable like belief or attitude. Gender is like physical sex, you're born with it, you're stuck with it for life. And yes, no amount of sex-change surgery in the world can change XY to XX or XX to XY, and that is the only true indicator of physical sex.