I'm *REALLY* glad to hear you're still with us all, instead of a suicide victim. Your therapist is there to help you, so long as *you* are there asking for help. Their guidance about "

kyennamo (imported) wrote: Mon Feb 14, 2011 10:53 am not trying to figure out life 2 years, or even 2 months down the line

" is very wise. People in recovery programs learn they must experience life "one day at a time" and I feel that with GID and/or TS personalities, we should heed that same advice.

Stacy B. has given you some good advice. She's a very good friend to have.

Hi Kyennamo,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time now. To also have to deal with depression at the same time is really hard. I've been there and I've had times when I was plagued with suicidal thoughts.

I have to agree with Guy27. I'm not sure it gets much easier dealing with recurring bouts of depression, although it can become easier to recognize what is going on and that the situation will improve. That can help a lot.

Making major life decisions on things like transitioning genders is rarely easy. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist who has worked with transgender patients. This person will know how stressful this time can be and can offer realistic advice on how to deal with everything going on in your life.

Forming a supportive network of friends is really helpful.

It's great that you are enjoying the good days or evenings you have, and realizing you would not experience any more of those if you committed suicide.

Although it may not seem this way to you, you are still are young and can yet have many happy years stretching into your future.

It really does help if you can take things a day at a time. Or if that is not working, an hour or less at a time.

I wish I could be there to reassure you in person.

Things really do get better as you go along. The video is absolutely correct.

Hugs,

Danya

I'm really glad to hear you are doing better! I have had a reaaly busy week but have kept tabs on you through Melissa. I will have more time to talkto you this week and I look forward to doing so and I will email you tomorrow!

Hugs, Stacy.

Another thread here kinda got me down and I started looking at male facial bone structure and the costs of facial feminization surgery. It got me even more depressed and I went to a very very dark place. Went to bed with the wife and cryed untill she fell asleep holding me. I then snuck out of bed and went to my gameing room, picked up my 1911, dropped a black tallon in the pipe, and put it to the underside of my chin. About that time I hear the wife call kyennamo???...........so I tossed the 1911 across the room onto the couch before she was able to turn on the light. I didn't fool her though. She knew the sound of 3.5 pounds of steel hitting the futon. She flipped out and took all 5 pistols I had laying out and hid them allong with the ammunition. I honestly don't know what would have happened had she not Come into my room.just accepting the fact that I am transgender has been extermely difficule. Now im realizing the extent of the work I need and the financial burdon that comes with it. Now im not trying to justify last nights actions, but it feels like the only way I can take controll of my life (ironically by having the choice of death). I am trying not to cry as I wright this because I am at work and I don't want anyone to know how I have been feeling (im the free spirited funny one in the office). Thanks for all who read this. Sometimes just typing the words helps

I'm glad for both your sakes she walked in on you.

kyennamo (imported) wrote: Sat Feb 19, 2011 7:03 am Another thread here kinda got me down and I started looking at male facial bone structure and the costs of facial feminization surgery. It got me even more depressed and I went to a very very dark place. Went to bed with the wife and cryed untill she fell asleep holding me. I then snuck out of bed and went to my gameing room, picked up my 1911, dropped a black tallon in the pipe, and put it to the underside of my chin. About that time I hear the wife call kyennamo???...........so I tossed the 1911 across the room onto the couch before she was able to turn on the light. I didn't fool her though. She knew the sound of 3.5 pounds of steel hitting the futon. She flipped out and took all 5 pistols I had laying out and hid them allong with the ammunition. I honestly don't know what would have happened had she not Come into my room.just accepting the fact that I am transgender has been extermely difficule. Now im realizing the extent of the work I need and the financial burdon that comes with it. Now im not trying to justify last nights actions, but it feels like the only way I can take controll of my life (ironically by having the choice of death). I am trying not to cry as I wright this because I am at work and I don't want anyone to know how I have been feeling (im the free spirited funny one in the office). Thanks for all who read this. Sometimes just typing the words helps

As another trans who has gone through a lot of what you are going through, (I had a loaded pistol in my mouth often enough to develop a taste for gun oil, cowardice always intervened, however.) I strongly recomment that you put your guns away for a while. In my case, I was unwilling to give up the comfort of knowing I could escape, but wanted to take away the impulsive out, like you went through. I arranged a situation where I did not have daily access to the means of suicide (aside from the knives that are the tools of my trade [cook]), but I could retreive them on a couple of days notice, should I make a deciscion to die that was not an impulse. During a time of extreme stress, as you are under now, can you ask a friend to store your guns for you?

Transward

Im wrighting this post from a hospital bed at about 2 am. Only within the last hour realized it was thurs the 3rd and. Not 2/24/11. You see. I made a legitimate. Suicide attempt on sunday 2/20/11(I think I counted my days right). Anyway, aftwer a group session I realized the only passable girl, There wanst even REALLY passable but still light years aahead of means. For fucks sake. I am a 30 yr old man. And only about 180,000 worth of surgery can ever change. Otherwise all anyone will see s a dude in a dress. So I proceedwd to tell my wife she was just a cover story, and that I never loved her, and we would be better off withoit one anothe. She punched me in the face and I proceeded to leave the apartment with a pint of grain alcohol,a can of rootbeer. And a bottle containing 64mg of xanax. All 3 of which I immediately injested(rootbeer was to help drink the grain)as soon as I walked out the front door. Luckily, I guess, my wife knew better and knew what I was trying to do. Within minutes I had 3 state troopes chasing me down and an ambulance pulling into the parking lot. I aparently went un responsive almost immediately after the ambulance pulled up. Was told my heart stopped 3x by one person but only 2xby the other. Point is I was on a breathing machine for 8 days. Even then, iv had visitors I don't remember,couldn't type or use my phone. Today is the first NORMAL day since the incident and my last day in thew hospital. This coming morning I will be transfered for a 72hr eval to a psyche hospital.probably wont be able to post for a few days so .........................

I have been there as well so i know what you are going through,but please trust me when i say this,things will get better and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Just glad that help was so close at hand and you were saved,nothing no matter how bad it seems is worth taking your life for,i hope as the days go by that you will get stronger,and that you will get the sort of help that you need to get back on track.

So take care of yourself and find the strength to carry on,in six months time you will look back on this event and you will say never again.

I just got out of the psych ward and wanted to check in with everyone. I had taken 64 1mg pills of xanax and drank a pint of everclear 198 proof. By all accounts more than 3x what a fatal dose should be. My wife called 911 and the police caught me outside and cuffed me and tossed me in the ambulance. Even after being on a ventilator the doctors told my wife my chances were slim. Somehow I made it. No brain damage and as far as we can tell no premanent damage at all. I have been diagnosed as bi polar, depressed, ptsd from my fathers suicide which I discovered and tg (self medicating and takind waaaaayyyyyyyyy too much estrogen). All that combined with stress from work and life was just too much and I cracked.im now on mood stabilizers and anti depressants and I think from the lessons I learned I have a different outlook on life. I was fired from my job and evicted from my apartment(I lived at the apt complex I worked at) and the police raided my apartment and took all my guns (all legal and registered but they take them if there is a suicide attempt) they found some pot and my pipes, my estrogen and some other crap and now I face a list of 30 charges. Some of them totally bogus (like agrivated assault) but i'll get through all of it with the support of my amazing wife who stuck with me through all of this.thanks for listening/reading everyone

Change place, change job, change habits, stop all drugs and medicines, take no alcohol, just plain sane food, keep your wife, she's your best asset.

Find a cool place, a cool job, a home

Yes I know all that is easier said than done, but yes you can !

Let us know how you feel in a few weeks