Thanks, Dragonfly
I am u?, thanks for the sweet post. I am happier now than I can ever really remember but at the same time I am more scared and unsure of the future of so many things.
I have a longtime friend that is just like a sister to me and we go so far back that our moms were friends for many years before either of us were born. I have to smile when I say "sister" because she very well may be my half sister, but that's a whole other story..lol. I have been struggling with telling her my deepest secrets and it just seemed so important to do so. I really didn't have a doubt that her love for me was unconditional so,,,,, I told her yesterday.
A week or so ago, I called her and asked her if she wanted to see my "halloween" costume for when I went out with a friend in Beaumont. Of course she said yes and I sent her a picture of "me". She was pretty amazed at how good I pulled it off and admitted to what everyone always says that "we realy DO look alike"! We got a good laugh and I told her to delete the pictures and not show anyone and she said she would but why not show my wife and her husband but I tod her no and she agreed.
Her husband Lex , who is a really close friend of mine, just got back from a 7 month tour in the middle east. He is on leave right now and they of course have been spending all their time together so I haven't been able to really talk to her alone. I called her for something the other day and we talked a bit and then she made a nervous laugh and said, "Lex want's to see the pics, can you send them again".
I was a little mad at her for even telling him that they exixted but I also felt a strange relief . So,,, I sent them some pics along with ones I hadn't showed her and it was kinda obious that it wasn't justa Halloween outing as there was more than one outfit over multiple pics.
It was my way of saying something to them without really saying something and I know Alex caught on a bit and I could tell the wheels were turning inside his mind but he was his normal polite self and didn't make any deal out of it. He was rather floored by the pics and couldn't believe it was me and how good I pulled it off and all that. He even joked and said I looked, "Doable." lol
So back to yesterday. I called Kristina and told her I was emailing her something and I wanted her to read everything over closedly and then get back with me. I put several links to my posts on Susans.org and then.... I hit....SEND. It's amazing the power of a click and the knot in you stomach it can leave knowing you just sent something that you can't possibly retrieve. She did quiz me about the cryptic tone of the call but I told her she would just have to read it. I told her that it was OK to share with her husband but that was her decision. That was about 4pm yesterday.
I was making my usual 5 hour sunday evening drive form the DFW area to the Beaumont area wher I work during the week and I checked my email about every 5 minutes and nothing... I chatted with a friend for hours while driving (Iknow, typing and driving is dangerous...) and she knew I was on pins and needles. It was a long evening and I was just dying to hear something. Of course all these things are running through my head and I'm second guessing my decision to be so honest.
So I pick up Paula and we go to Valeries and we all get ready and go out to The Pub to watch a drag show and have a few drinks. I didn't have much in the way of pockets so Paula has my cell phone in her coat pocket. She holds my phone out as it plays "I can't get no satisfaction" and I look at the phone and it's Lex... It's 11:48 pm and he has never called me that late so I know it's "the response".
I find a quiet corner and answer and it starts off with a normal conversation about the dinner I cooked the night before, chilling in the hot tub, and just our families spending time together the night before which is a common Saturday night for us. I played along for a while and he eventually got to the point and addressed the email. After mentioning it he said, "Iwant you to know one thing first and foremost and that is we love you unconditionally, no matter what happens or what you need to do."
I almost teared up and I told him that I felt the same way about them. My friend Lex surpassed my highest expectations for love, friendship, compassion and acceptance. He asked alot of questions about things and what the next step is and all the things someone would ask who has never really thought about such things. He was making such an effort to connect and understand and I will always be thankful for that.
He told me that Kristina felt the same way but she just didn't know what to say at this point. I understand that it's lot to wrap your mind around when someone you are so close to and have know for so long, just springs something on you like that. I suspect they will be doing a lot of reading and trying to understand. They are of course worried about the implications and the road ahead and just a general concern for ME. Friends truely are "the family we choose". I guess I have to pat myself on the back a bit in realizing what a good job I have done in my life in choosing who I call friends.
I have now told the only friends in my life who could really hurt me if they turned their back and all 3 of them have amazed me and told me their love for me was unconditional and that I can always count on them. It really is amazing...
So that's the story so far. I will write more as the story unfolds. I'm going to call a therapist today that I got referred to so I can set an appointment. I need to do what I can to deal with this so when it comes time to tell the wife, I can prove to her that I did what I could and even sought professional help and maybe even have a therapist that can talk to her about it and help her with it.
It is liberating to share this with friends as it just feels like a burden being lifted from my soul. So right now, the most important people to me know except my wife. She is the most important friend I have and there is so much more at stake. I have to make sure I can't fight this any longer and have no choice but to take it to the next level. It may sound selfish to do but the other alternatives would truely be harder on everyone. I guess it's not really a choice at all. Nature can play some very cruel jokes...
This weekend will be the first time that I will see them in person since I came out to them. Kristina's birthday is today and mine is tomorrow so we are going to have a dinner (I'm cooking of course) with lots of drink and time in the hot tub.It's going to be interesting since my wife will be there so I expect some "knowing looks" and inuendo... lol.
It's kind of funny because I called Kristina this morning to tell her happy birthday and she asked if I was "cooking as usual." Of course I said yes because I love cooking for them and I'm a much better cook than she or my wife so it works out for everyone eating...lol.
I stayed with them for a month when I first moved back to the Dallas area and since she just had a baby, I did as much cooking and cleaning as I could to help out. They really hated to see me leave after I got the apartment set up and my wife moved down. Llex commented several times then and afterward that I would really a great wife for someone someday...lol.
So Kristina laughed this morning when after we went over the cooking details when I joked that Lex always said I'd make someone a good wife. It was a knowing kind of laugh but we didn't talk about any of the new disclosures. Lex said she doesn't want to talk about it on the phone or email and want's to talk about it in person. I guess that's a good thing... I think she just want to be able to look me in the eyes when we talk. I will update how it goes on Sunday night. Wish me luck!
